Advice, should I tell him how I feel?

[nickie81]

I could really do with some advice, I met someone in the summer last year and totally fell in love with this person, the relationship wasn't easy in that it was long distance a good 3 hours apart and he had kids from a previous marriage whom he spent alternate weekends with (this was at his mothers house where he was living) I was quite happy that he had children and this wasn't an issue, in fact I made sure it was a healthy part of our relationship, I never made it diffcult for him when he had time with them and never interupted on that time. He confided in me he wanted more than just alternate weekends but having divorced and let his wife have the family home, he was in a bit of an awkward situation in terms of getting a property. We spent a good four months together, I went and stayed with his family, he met mine, we went away together, he stayed at my place before I moved back home (pro-tem, due to re-locating for work) in that time he also told me he loved me, (he was the first to say it, if that makes a difference) and I felt a part of his life and that of his families life (besides having not met his kids-but they did know about me) then before you know it we broke up, out of the blue he had work projects taking him to other parts of the country (he had doubts many times in those four months, very low self esteem and insecurities) and sometimes it felt like I was convincing him to stay in the relationship because I didn't want to break up, or for it to end, so this time I thought I'd let go and see what he'd do, if he'd come back.

I've lately found out that he has gone back to a previous girlfriend, pretty soon after we broke up. He said when we last spoke he wanted to find someone more local. Well this girlfriend isn't local she's at the other end of the country, further than what I was! We broke up in August and by December just gone he was engaged to this woman. Which to me seems really fast steps to be taking. However even though we talked about this woman briefly, and he defined her in not so appealing terms, it would appear that they have been engaged before, about 2 years ago now, the timescale went from Dating in middle of Sept, to engaged by the Feburary (only he couldn't marry her as his divorce wasn't through/finalised) and by the following year he was back living with his mother and where he was orignallly from.

Between them they have 7 children, her children are by different fathers none of which she stayed with and of which only one is in touch with his child. He did mutter something about them having brought a place together-and that they couldn't sell it, so she was paying the mortgage and living there. It all seemed odd but I didn't want to push for more information, prefering to focus on us and not his or our pasts-bearing in mind this was all relatively new relationship.

So now he has to commute back alternate weekends to see his children, they don't have anywhere big enough for all the children to be at any one time, e.g she can't bring her kids down as no where to stay and he can't take his up as no where to stay. This also seemed to be an issue in their relationship, he was exhausted with working a full time job and doing all this driving, and she was fed up with tidying up after him all the time! I got the feeling that she never met his kids, so even then he was holding back on introducing the future woman he wanted to marry to them, which makes me think he wasn't a 100% sure the first time around. Howeve, I do get that these relationships can work, and I'm not totally oblivious to the fact that people can be great step-parents.

I have no children, so I often would joke about us having children etc (because I had the whole epiphany with where my future was going to go with him) so if he was so against having more children, or children at a later stage in his life, why would he willing go and choose to bring up someone elses children? Then you have the whole issue that his children desperately wanted more time with him, besides odd weekends and now he's gone off and is playing full time father to 3 other kids-surely his natural children wouldn't be very happy.

Anyway, its been months now since it ended, but I keep re-living it all in my head, and I keep thinking should I contact him or not? If so what do I say? Everyone keeps saying oh it won't work out with this woman and he didn't marry her then, he won't now, and what am I going to do if he does get back in touch...but all the while my heart is aching to be back with him. I keep reading you need a strategy to get back with an ex bf, and then I read it should come from him not me, and then I think if he's really happy with her and they are going to make a go of it, should I just give up now. Bearing in mind all I keep think is, to move on, I need for him to know how I truly feel.

Any advice or thoughts would be really great, I've no one I can really talk to who isn't going to be biased to what they think I want to hear.

Niki

[bearz]

I know the feeling that you absolutely want to make sure that the other person knows how you feel about them, but it's just not going to do you any good in this case. You still have a lingering hope that he might come back to you. But you have to let it go. Nothing good will come out of it if you contact him now. He has a lot to deal with and you definitely wouldn't be his #1 priority. All these women and children from his past would put a huge strain on a potential relationship, it's just not worth it. You had a good time for a while, but that's that. Leave it in the past and try move on with your life.

[Wakeup]

There's not much more to add to what bearz has pointed out but I do wonder why anyone would wait around and stagnate their own love life for someone that left them to be with someone they had a past with. You were obviously a rebound. Why do you want to wait around and anticipate being with him again when if he did come back, he'd be rebounding again and then you'd be another human bandaid until he felt better and then he'd be off again on the first filly that paid him any attention.

I say stop hoping and wondering and instead accept. Accept that it's over and begin the healing process so that you'll be open and ready to let the next guy into your life the peaks your interest. Keep your convos for men that live near you so that you don't have the distance that hinders true bonding but flames fantasy and hides deceit.

[nickie81]

I'm not waiting around, I'm just finding it hard moving on, especially when so much of my future dreams and feelings where invested in him and that relationship. I'm not stupid and I do realise that if and big if that he did come back he'd probably be rebounding. He'd been split from this previous woman for a year before I met him, and he'd had a relationship in between then, so I wasn't exactly a rebound the first time. Can you see it working and lasting with his now re-engagement to his ex fiancee? The distance wasn't an issue for me, and wasn't as bad as when/where I was previously living. I think I'd move on a lot easier if none of this future and hopes of that future had been placed on the relationship when we were together.

[bearz]

It might work out for them, it might not. It really doesn't matter. You are not what he wants or he wouldn't be with someone else right now. Having to get over a loving relationship isn't easy and won't happen over night. It will take a lot of time and effort on your part to get past this, but you really have no other choice. Yes, you can sit there and hope, and wonder, and wait... but it's only going to make your life a miserable nightmare and in the end, you'll still have to get over it and move on. So start now, try to come to terms with this situation.

[Wakeup]

I'm not waiting around, I'm just finding it hard moving on,

Therein lies the paradox...You're finding it hard to move on because you're still hoping and you haven't accepted that it's over.

especially when so much of my future dreams and feelings where invested in him and that relationship.

Your future dreams are off the table now so let them go. Do keep them in mind for the next guy though. Make sure he's on the same page as you as the relationahip progresses.

I'm not stupid and I do realise that if and big if that he did come back he'd probably be rebounding.

Then I must ask WTF are you hoping he comes back? It's likely that the same thing will just happen to you again. If you two were meant to be, then he would have never left.

He'd been split from this previous woman for a year before I met him, and he'd had a relationship in between then, so I wasn't exactly a rebound the first time.

What does it matter who came before you? The point is, he still loved her.

Can you see it working and lasting with his now re-engagement to his ex fiancee?

You have to stop wondering that and leave him to his choices. You need to stop hoping that it won't work out and you, for your own emotional health need to stop asking about him, finding out about him, talking to him (if you are) and finding out who he is with and why he is with them. None of that matters because he's no longer your boyfriend and you'd be foolish to take him back if he comes to you because it didn't work out with her. He dumped you to go back to her. That should be enough to tell you that you'd not want him ever again. He thought nothing of breaking your heart to be with another.

The distance wasn't an issue for me, and wasn't as bad as when/where I was previously living. I think I'd move on a lot easier if none of this future and hopes of that future had been placed on the relationship when we were together.

It is a hellof a lot easier to cultivate a relationship when its convenient to see one another regularily. You can move on way easier if you accept that it's over and that you don't want him back. You didn't go out that long for you to be wasting your time crying over him not being genuine to you about a future together.

Consciously make an effort to change your thoughts of him when they are in yoru head. Wallowing in what ifs and if onlies is holding you back and keeping you mired in your want for him when your goal should be working to get to the stage of indifference to him.