flowers from a friend - help!!

[whaywardj]

Relax, Indi. I was just being glib. And you DID sign off rather abruptly, after all. I don't think you're f'd up at all. Just coping with some pretty involved stuff. Carry on, by all means!

[shh!]

I think the way indigo approached her problem on this forum was smart. She built some credibility for herself before she put her problem out there and gave good, sound advice, so we "regulars" didn't all start off thinking she was crazy. You sound like a class act, indigo. I'm sure you will do the right thing in the end.

[whaywardj]

BTW: The only "upsets" I saw were directed at your husband. Not you. I'm not surprised you might have a fancy for your friend. What with your hubby acting as you say, something like that is almost inevitable.

[whaywardj]

Ditto, shh!.

[misombra]

good luck indigo. you'll do what's right i'm sure.

[indigosoul]

Relax, Indi. I was just being glib. And you DID sign off rather abruptly, after all. I don't think you're f'd up at all. Just coping with some pretty involved stuff. Carry on, by all means!

Well, though I appreciated all the posts (they were all incredibly honest, not BS at all!), i most identified w/yours. And then found out why in another one of yours. you pretty much said it all for me.

I'm still considering all the possibilities, but I tend to be pretty binary once I make a decision. Though I'll certainly choose carefully, my philosophy is that any decision is better than none. At least it allows movement & evaluation.

I'm surprised noone has mentioned anything about my friend. Doesn't anyone feel bad for him in all this? I certainly do. I mean, I don't even really know for sure he has feelings for me other than friendship. So, yes, there has been long phone calls, and emails, and flirts & flowers... but COULD I be reading him wrong?! I've been off the market for a looong time. And this does factor into my decisions. How could it not? Bleh.. here comes the messy sh*t.

[shh!]

I'm surprised noone has mentioned anything about my friend. Doesn't anyone feel bad for him in all this? I certainly do. I mean, I don't even really know for sure he has feelings for me other than friendship. So, yes, there has been long phone calls, and emails, and flirts & flowers... but COULD I be reading him wrong?! I've been off the market for a looong time. And this does factor into my decisions. How could it not? Bleh.. here comes the messy sh*t.

I guess I do feel a bit sorry for him, but honestly, it sounds like you have so much more at stake that it is hard to even consider him much. (I am assuming, by the way, that he is not married or you would have mentioned this.)

[indigosoul]

I guess I do feel a bit sorry for him, but honestly, it sounds like you have so much more at stake that it is hard to even consider him much. (I am assuming, by the way, that he is not married or you would have mentioned this.)

Oh heavens, no, no. He's never been married. Tho sometimes I wish he was. I could bury my feelings w/o any regret if I knew he was happy w/someone. He sees ppl, don't get me wrong. He's basically a happy fellow, but his relationships never seem to work out. I wanted to shake the brains of the last one and see if i could wake her up to what she's lost. Anyway, his life is his to discuss, not mine. I've said too much already.

[whaywardj]

Ah! You're right, Indi. No one did mention your friend. Interesting. Hm. I guess one of the reasons I didn't was because I put him in the role of 'the interloper', the 'other man', and, being a man who's had to cope with one or more of those, I'm not much sympathetic to the character and prefer to pretend he doesn't exist. But, he does, in your case, of course. And, yes, it would probably be mannerly of you to confine your comments to how you feel about him, rather than to do any talking about him.

[whaywardj]

"I wanted to shake the brains of the last one and see if i could wake her up to what she's lost."

Have you turned that remark on yourself yet, Indi?

[indigosoul]

"I wanted to shake the brains of the last one and see if i could wake her up to what she's lost."

Have you turned that remark on yourself yet, Indi?

Ummm, and yes. Many times. Is this a (another?!) test? So what does it make me if the first thing I think of about this statement is my dear friend, not my husband...

This is starting to hurt a bit more, W... you've been here, so you know the buttons, right...?

[Junket]

He's 6. And is what keeps us together.

Yeah dude, better off for the kid if you break it off now.

Keep your kid in the know of everything that is happening regardless cause they know what's goin' on, but they are more likely to adapt to change at a younger age.

[whaywardj]

Ummm, and yes. Many times. Is this a (another?!) test? So what does it make me if the first thing I think of about this statement is my dear friend, not my husband...

This is starting to hurt a bit more, W... you've been here, so you know the buttons, right...?

Indi: Any of my experiences are going to be radically different from yours, and I've never been in a situation at all similar to yours. Anything I might have to say on the matter would be only remotely relevant, if that.

A couple of things come to mind.

You know your husband. What you know may or may not be enough to work it out. You don't know your friend in even a romantic role, much less in any roles that would oblige him to be a husband and a step-father. However nice he seems, however close you feel to each other, however vibrant the blush on the flowers seems to be, whatever your instincts are telling you about him, all that is only under the present circumstances. Your friend may be a totally different man under other circumstances. So, at base and at the very best, what you've got is a known quantity on one hand; and an unknown quantity on the other. I'd give that some VERY long thought.

If you and your friend are so 'in-tune', then I'd assume he's either aware of or is sensitive to your current position at some level. If that's the case, and if he's so considerate of you, why is he sending you flowers at one of your weakest moments? You've known each other a long time, I take it. Where were the flowers on all those other special occasions if he's just being gentlemanly? And if he's expressing a romantic interest in you, why does he wait until now to do it? I'm not at all sure I'd define that kind of behavior as either thoughtful, caring or considerate. Opportunistic, perhaps. But not very caring. Of course, since you yourself aren't sure what he means by this behavior, everything across the board is just a guess. So, there you are, again, trying to make a judgment on an unknown quantity.

In your original post, you said the word "suppressed" two times in one paragraph. Once to describe one of the ways you're managaing your problem; once to describe the way you're controlling your affection. Suppressing the tensions of the problem is an obstacle to moving toward any solution to it. Suppressing the affection is an obstacle to your acquiring gratification. So, I have to wonder: What does all this suppression avail you and why are you employing it as a coping tactic? It does little to get you to an outcome in either direction and much to prevent outcomes in any direction. I'm reminded of a deer, panic stricken and froze in the beam of a spotlight. All you have to do to have your venison that season is casually walk up to it and kill it.

Judging by your posts, it's clear your husband is either unwilling or unable to support you in your current conundrum, in addition to whatever else you feel his absence around. Evidently, he's indifferent. But he's NOT so indifferent as to be disinterested in watching you having sex with this family friend, whom you've all known so long (I take it) and are on the verge of visiting soon. Some can smell advantage in the air around one. Some are inclined to exploit it. Who's to say whether they aren't both knowingly manipulating you in an effort to fulfill that fantasy? Pinned (like the deer) on the dilemma they represent as you now are, it might seem to them an easy thing to accomplish.

FWIW

[Prodigal]

Indigosoul,

You have made many of the logical choices already in your situation. The counseling is working limitedly... it doesn't sound very encouraging to me. How long has the counseling been going on? (I'm sorry if you said it and I missed it... I'm a bit out of it at the moment) If it has been going on for a while, and results aren't coming... well, it may be saying something. Maybe that these things can only fix the relationship to a limited extent. If the feeling isn't there, that... spark, I guess you could call it... what can fix the relationship? Not some stupid counselor, that's for damned sure.

Was there ever the spark? I assume so, because you married him. What happened? Was there just a day when it disappeared? If the 'spark' for your friend has been going on for a long time, and it has been sustained... that may also be saying something. Of course, it could be a hoax and be one of those "wanting what you can't have" sort of things. But my intuition is saying that it isn't... if it was that, you would have dropped everything already. Your values are too strong and honorable to fall for some stupid trick like that.

I feel as if you're fighting for what you feel is right in your mind. What is right to you in your mind? Your values, of course. The values that serve as the foundation for your inner self. And they're saying to you, stay because of the child. What will happen to the child if I break up with my husband? And of course, it's reminding you of your values, that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and that having a child is even more of a commitment. You probably see people divorce with kids and you think it's horrible. Faced with the same situation, you'd feel hypocritical if you did do it yourself.

And that's despite what your heart says. Your heart is saying to go with your friend, I feel it. This wouldn't be a problem at all if that weren't the case, right? When it came to any affectionate or romantic sentiments, they were directed towards your friend in your posts, not towards your husband. That's saying something in my ears, and it's very blatant. The heart is a very important thing... it's definitely worth listening to.

My advice would be to call out to yourself in this situation. Imagine someone else posted this, and you're an outsider looking in (assuming you weren't in it yourself). What would you say?

It's a question of selfishness and selflessness. What's worth more to you? Your happiness, or someone else's? And giving up your own happiness for your kid.. it won't necessarily make him/her happy. Many people here said that unstable or unhappy relationships between parents isn't better than divorce. If you stayed with your husband, but weren't happy, do you think your kid would be able to tell? I think s/he would. I don't think it'd make your kid very happy either. Also think of it in the way that your kid would want YOU to be happy. And what would make you happy?

Going for the friend of course. It's as if his soul is calling out to you... the connection is there, the romantic sentiments are there... it's perfect. Except that you are married and have a child.

It is hard to maintain good relations if you do decide to break it off with your husband... but let me remind you that it is possible. And with someone of your integrity, I think the chances of fair relations with the husband are much more possible... and much higher with the child. Especially with the child.

I'm not going to dawdle around. I'll give you my opinion straight. I got it from you on my situation, and I will give you mine for your's. I'd say go for it. It could teach your kid something so important... to always reach out for happiness. I don't believe that true, sustained happiness is reached often at all in this world. And given that choice... I think you should go for it. Nobody ever said the road wouldn't be rocky. Your decision, in any case, will lead to turmoil.. but remember that there is an end to every storm.

In a battle between the mind and heart... if you betray the mind, the mind can forgive you. In fact, I think everybody has betrayed the mind at some point in their life. But betraying the heart, when you know what it feels? It leads to regret... and believe me... regret is NOT something you want to be acquainted with. It sticks like a splinter that won't come out... and when you think it's gone, it pricks you with pain, digging deeper, and deeper, and deeper.

With UTMOST and UNBRIDLED respect,
Robert (Prodigal)

P.S. I wish you the best of luck. I know you will make the best decision for you... despite what everyone here says, including me. Because in all it really is YOUR decision, and it has to come from YOU. I'd love it if you would keep in contact. Check my e-mail address next to my name (theronlightfoot@msn.com). If not... well, maybe I shall see you again on here sometime in the future. And then we'll be able to talk about both of our journeys. My thoughts out to you.

[whaywardj]

Indi: I didn't want to leave you on the note I did in my previous. All in all, I think the best I can offer in a broader sense is this:

Always try to catch a glimpse of what's going on between your thoughts; there, in the shadows of your awareness; fleeting by secretively, perhaps shamefully; trying to avoid detection. Always try to embrace that of yourself which is most difficult to face.

By and large, if you can do that, you'll pretty much nail things exactly right everytime.