When is the right time to break no contact and reconnect?

[ltrtsotl]

So, long story short, my girlfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago. The breakup was precipitated by her depression issues, her sense of lost identity (she has barely been single at all since high school, and one of her exes abused her badly) and school stresses, and was brewing for a little while. The breakup was fairly mutual, although she needed the split more than I did, and she wants me in her life once things settle, and vice versa (we've loosely agreed to get lunch in a few weeks). The breakup was fairly mutual, and we agreed it was for the best, at least right now, although she brought it up before I could in the conversation. About a week after the breakup, I went to get my stuff from her place, and it was very apparent then that neither of us really wanted things to end (she seemed anxious to know when I was coming beforehand, she was on the verge of tears when I was there, said she was sorry the breakup had to be this way, and texted me about one item we forgot hours after I left. I almost came back immediately after I left, but I didn't).

I know she was very conflicted about the breakup, and she said this was the first time she's ever ended things with someone she still has feelings for.

I also went on a blind date last week (we were set up by a friend who knew we were both recently out of a relationship/fling), which led to some enjoyable making out, but otherwise very little connection, and I just missed my ex a ton after, and I ended things with the new girl a few days later.

Right now, I'm figuring out how to get some things in my life back in order (picking up some old hobbies, taking charge of my shit job situation), but I'm debating how long I should wait before I reach out to her again. I'm currently holding myself to about 6-8 weeks of no contact. It's entirely likely she'll reach out first, but I'm not sure whether I should wait until her semester is over in case she doesn't. Is that too long? Too soon? If I made the first move, even after months, would I come off as weak? How should I make that move? What are your thoughts?

[Maximus89]

Reaching out is often testing water. It's all based on your intuition. You've dated for a time, and should know about each other how you feel. If you don't, test the water, text something like hey how are you? Keep it simple and neutral, avoid stuff like how are you feeling, or how you holding up etc, those give the wrong impression. Just show her you are still there and are wondering how she is. If she replies in a neutral way and makes a good impression she's okay with your text, ask something deeper, or arrange a meeting, if she seems to eager or too depressed, react accordingly (like, no, I don't have time to meet up this week, I was just wondering how you were for eager, or something comforting for depressed.)
Be prepared for most basic emotions, and only continue if she sounds neutral or a little happy to hear from you.

Good luck

[Ann S]

"depression issues, her sense of lost identity (she has barely been single at all since high school, and one of her exes abused her badly) and school stresses" This girl sounds like she needs professional help. Medication might help with the depression. Is she a trauma survivor?

Why did she end this relationship? I don't know about her, but there are some people who are relationship addicts, and others who feel if there is not abuse in the relationship, it doesn't feel, "normal." It's that addiction to hope and drama that often keeps this going. Do you know the cycle of abuse? Honeymoon period, followed by building frustration, followed by an argument, followed by the battering, followed by the promises to never have that happen again, and back to the honeymoon period.

"picking up some old hobbies, taking charge of my shit job situation" Great for YOU - I'd stay there and focus on that. YOU, are asking if you will come off as, "weak" if you contact her first? Is this a chess game? Or a contest for who has the most power in the relationship? Are you a rescuer? That's a person who tries to fix the problems of another person. Actually, no one can fix our problems except ourselves.

This girl comes with a lot of un healed baggage. Do you want that? Ann

[cookies&cream]

Why should love be like playing tug of war, and waiting who contacts who first. If you do love her, stop with the games, reach out first. Love is not like fairy tales. Sometimes, you have to fight like hell for the man/woman you love.

[ltrtsotl]

Not sure why this won't let me properly thank you with the button at the bottom, but thank you for your honesty, Ann. And I don't know about medication, but she is/was seeing a therapist. I wouldn't consider myself a "rescuer," I wasn't drawn to her for her flaws (in fact, quite the opposite, I found her resilience and independence initially very refreshing), but I can see how it would come off that way, and things moved in that direction as the relationship drew to a close.

[chezzington]

I agree with cookies&cream.

Clearly you both miss each other. If you love her, then maybe let her know that to love, is to love someone through flaws and adversities, and that you WILL be there for her through it, if need be.

[BuckDamon]

yeah right if you love her let her know its important