Cheating, married scumbag, jerk looking for advice.

[Jondoe2012]

Yep, I'm a jerk. Might as well get it out of the way before someone else feels the need to say it. Selfish, asshole, cheating jerk. However, I still would appreciate some advice from anyone who's willing to give it to me.

Background is this: in my 40s, married for 10 years, no kids of my own, but have a teenage step-daughter. Relationship with step-daughter isn't bad, but mostly non-existant. Wife and daughter pretty much live their own lives and don't have time for me in it. Between sports and other events, I'm pretty much home by myself 90% of the time and almost feel like a roommate in my own home. That said, my wife loves me, no doubt about that. She's made a couple mistakes over the years, and may have even cheated on me (because I was emotionally distant after some life-changng events I dealt with), but I'm not completely sure. Regardless, she's a good woman who loves me a lot. She's also ridiculously educated and successful, but also a workaholic which adds to the problem. We both make very good money, and live a financially advantageous life. But....I'm not passionate about her. I don't know that I ever have been. She's beautiful (everyone agrees), intelligent, kind and sexy, but I don't find myself wanting to hold her hand, snuggle with her, and I never want to kiss her. It sucks and I know it hurts her. Hurts me too. I wish I knew why I felt this way. Sure, I want to have sex with her, and we do quite often, but it's never love-making. It's sex. So, for the last 5 years or so, I've felt like I've had a big hole in my heart because I haven't had any passion for her, or at least not the way I want to. I see people in love in public or on TV, and it tears at my heart because I want it so bad.

So...6 months ago I ran across a girl online (who's over 10 years younger than me) who used to work at a place I frequent near my home. She was married with a little girl at the time, but I always had a huge crush on her and I was pretty sure she felt the same. Well, turns out she got divorced and moved to another state. After chatting online for a few days, it turned to phone calls, and then plans to meet up. I told her I was married right off the bat. We met somewhere for the weekend and it was incredible. Couldn't stop thinking about her afterwards and she felt the same. We met up again a month later and we were head-over-heels. I finally felt real passion for someone for the first time in years and it was the best feeling in the world (still is). Can't keep my hands off her when we're together. I'm extremely affectionate with her and she is with me. I also adore her daughter who's a wonderful, well-adjusted little girl.

So here begins the drama; tuns out after reading her iPad one day that she is actually dating the male roommate she lives with (she had left that part out). She told me she figured our first weekend together would be a one-time thing so she didn't feel the need to tell me she had been dating him for a year. But after we both had fallen in 'love', whatever that means, she was too afraid to tell me because she didn't want to lose me. I was fine with that, and understood her reasoning. Visited her again a month later and 6 weeks after that, she's pregnant. Was either mine or the boyfriend's, so I paid for a prenatal DNA test which determined it wasn't mine. Broke her heart because she doesn't want to be with the boyfriend (she's with him out of convenience, not love). She wants to be with me. I was hurt as well, because if it had been my baby, I would have left my wife and married her.

Well, I told her I didn't think I could be with her long-term if she had the baby (two different kids with two different men), and she took a few weeks to decide what to do. She eventually decided to keep the baby, as she could not get herself to have an abortion. She still wanted to be with me, but was willing to let me go as she completely understood the position I was in. I then decided I didn't want to lose her, and that I would still be with her even with the two kids. I'd just forgo having our own kid for a while because two kids will already be a handful and I want to make sure they get the full amount of my attention and love.

So that's where we are now. She's 20 weeks pregnant, and we're planning on moving her to where I am in the next few months so we can live together. But I'm still so torn on this thing. I mean, I love this girl a tremendous amount (again, whatever that means). I think about her all the time and picture myself with her 40 years own the road. But I DO love my wife. I mean, I do not want to hurt her, and the thought of telling her my plans makes me want to throw up. Not wanting to hurt my wife makes me sometimes seriously consider giving up on the woman I love, but of course the thought of that is something I can't stomach either.

I know I can trust my wife, but to be honest I don't know if I can fully trust my 'mistress'...yet. Part of the problem is that we aren't together everyday so my paranoia rears it's ugly head. She's much more sexual than my wife, and has been with a lot more men in her life, so I think the chances are she's more apt to cheat. But I don't know for sure, and really....what right do I even have to care? As far as my family and friends and what they'll think, I don't care. I've never been one to care much about what people think. I'll do what I want regardless.

Anyway, I'm stuck. Not sure what to do. Feel guilty all of the time. Feel extremely strong feelings for my wife due to my guilt, but also can't stop thinking about my girlfriend and always wish she was with me. I guess I'm asking for opinions if anyone has any. If you want to call me names, that's fine too. As I mentioned before, I'm not the type to care much what others think about my decisions. But I am open to constructive criticism and wise advice.

Thanks for listening.

[michelle23]

two cheating bastards together has got to be better than one cheating bastard with an honest woman

anyway alk your excuses for cheating and blaming it on your wife is bullshit. did you ever consider marriage counselling in the past 5years or leaving if your unhappy? what did you think cheating would achieve apart from making your problems 100times worse.

anyway im not sure if i should go into detail here and just let you learn your lesson the hard way but here goes. there is a 1% chance of your affair actually turning into a real relationship. its a delusion, a fantasy, an escape from reality built on infatuation and lust coz you cant handle your reality at home. its an unhealthy and v destructive way to deal with relationship problems and you are v emotionally immature.

all your grand plans of marriage, real love and babies are delusional. youll prob go from the frying pan into the fire with this woman as you cannot hop from one long term relationship to the next and expect it all to go swimmingly. shell prob just be a rebound but it doesnt even matter.

you should have come here 6months ago before you planned to cheat on your wife. its too late now to fix any of this and its time to end your marriage and tell the truth. nobody deserves to be betrayed and lied to so grow some balls and admit what you have done. then you can go and discover the reality with the whore you think your in love with and let us no how it goes

[Jondoe2012]

Wife was actually the first to cheat in our relationship, which she did before we were married. Not that I care at this point. Also, I haven't made any excuses for my actions. I explained my reasons. Reasons and excuses are similar and can be confusing to some people.

Lastly Michelle, it's obvious from your post that you were cheated on before and haven't properly dealt with the emotional pain that it caused you, so while I do appreciate you taking the time to post, your advice is completely biased and therefore, worthless and non-credible.

[FlaCooln]

I agree w/Michelle 100%. I don't know her well, as how well can I know someone on a forum. But, from interacting w/her and reading her posts I know she's awesome and you really need to take what she says to heart.

Personally, I have never been cheated on, never even had an inkling of suspicion, nor have I ever cheated myself. However, I do understand your reasons. The last year w/my exGF tore me apart I felt alone, unloved, and unappreciated. She loved me, but somehow she loved herself more (selfish bitch basically). Instead of cheating I tried to work on our relationship and told her how I truly felt. Nothing ever changed so I left her.

Talk to your wife, get a divorce, and work on yourself. You may be 40, but a good man does not do what you have done and you need to grow up emotionally. This new GF will never trust you and you will never trust her.

[VincenzoG91]

Wife was actually the first to cheat in our relationship, which she did before we were married. Not that I care at this point. Also, I haven't made any excuses for my actions. I explained my reasons. Reasons and excuses are similar and can be confusing to some people.

Lastly Michelle, it's obvious from your post that you were cheated on before and haven't properly dealt with the emotional pain that it caused you, so while I do appreciate you taking the time to post, your advice is completely biased and therefore, worthless and non-credible.

Michelle isn't biased, you are. You tell us that you don't care what people think, but you're asking us strangers to tell you what to do. In reality, you don't want advice, you want validation of your foolish plan. Just do it. You know you will anyway, despite your sense of guilt, and that gut instinct that drove you to post here because you realize that you are in the process of making a huge mistake. Just do it. Nobody can talk you out of this mid-life crisis nonsense so you might as well go all in and screw up on an epic scale. Then you will learn your lesson, after everybody close to you is unhappy with the mess you made.

Just know that you are screwing up because you are selfish, foolish, and hypocritical. You could make a clean break by divorcing your wife and then devoting all your attention to the younger woman, but you're afraid to lose what you have.

[Ann S]

So you are both cheating on your significant others? And she gets pregnant by her BF - and now you haven't told your wife but are planning to move the other woman to your area and leave your wife.....but you're not sure you can trust the other woman - and YOU are signing up to raise her two children and probably support them because you are still in the lust phase and she is good in bed. Is that it?

Jondoe - I'd say you are thinking with your pants.....do YOU REALLY want to do this unworkable plan????? At 40, raising another man's two children will NOT be fun - and you don't have any kids of your own yet.....I think YOU have NO IDEA what you're in for. Hot sex wears out with a new infant who is up crying all night! This woman told you she stays with her BF for, "convenience?" did I read that correctly? Well, I guess YOU are a better CONVENIENCE?

NOW TO YOUR WIFE - THE TRUE VICTIM IN THIS

workaholic - WORKAHOLICS work to avoid their feelings. Have you and she had a conversation about this? Have you and she gone to therapy over this?
And you don't know if she ever cheated on you? Why not? Don't you two talk?

.6 months ago I ran across a girl online (who's over 10 years younger than me) - are you saying you were online looking for girls?

I told her I was married right off the bat. We met - You say this like there is some integrity attached to it. Well, there's NOT. And you are worried about if you can trust her? I would too, and if I was her, I'd be worrying if I could trust YOU.

You have created a huge drama that will mess up your life. I hope you get professional help to help you sort this out before you, metaphorically speaking, shoot yourself in the foot! Ann

[HeartIsAching]

Wife was actually the first to cheat in our relationship, which she did before we were married. Not that I care at this point. Also, I haven't made any excuses for my actions. I explained my reasons. Reasons and excuses are similar and can be confusing to some people.

Lastly Michelle, it's obvious from your post that you were cheated on before and haven't properly dealt with the emotional pain that it caused you, so while I do appreciate you taking the time to post, your advice is completely biased and therefore, worthless and non-credible.

Remember when your mom said "Two wrongs don't make a right"? Well, get this - it's true. You won't get back the security you had before by cheating on her, and you're not going to make anything better for it.

Ok... First off I disbelieve that you "ran across her online". Face it man - you went looking for her. Quit minimizing your role in this.

You feel emotionally distant from your wife. Have you tried anything to change that? Have you tried talking to her about it? Have you tried talking to her about spending more quality time together? Suggested couple's counseling? Anything? Anything at all to try and change things?

It's obvious that you don't trust your little-bit-on-the-side, or you wouldn't have been snooping through her giant-phone-that-won't-make-calls. Think about that - you don't trust her, you know she's cheating on someone to be with you, and it's pretty much a given that cheaters cheat. So, someday in the future she's going to cheat on you, and you're likely to cheat on her, perpetuating the drama.

Oh, and that daughter who's a "wonderful, well-adjusted little girl"? How long do you think that'll last once she figures out that mommy's boffing anything that interests her?

You want to effect change? Then do so. Make a decision to

A. Break things off with your trollop, confess your sins to your wife, get some counseling and try to work things out

or

B. Break things off with your wife and go have a short but tumultuous relationship with your trollop until one of you cheats on the other and you break up.

I'm done.

[IndiReloaded]

I believe in the power of karma. Your situation will resolve exactly as it should. Have faith. Good luck.

[TablesandChairs]

First question: would you still be with your wife if you hadn't stumbled upon the girlfriend? If you want a divorce because your relationship has truly died, she gives you no attention and you feel your life is lacking and always will lack, that's okay. You've been together for a decade so at this point you should know if it can be saved (through communication, counselling etc) or not.

You also have to accept that your new girlfriend might be a floozy. At this point, that's what she sounds like. If she doesn't want to be with the other guy, why isn't she opting to abort? Does she have strong anti-abortion sentiments? Two kids, two different dads...she's with neither. She might get pregnant to you too...which will make it three dads. Not judging but it's kind of messy. You're infatuated, she's all lovely dovey and sexed-up and younger and you're all 'omg this is great'. Things change, though. Make sure you know who she is and what she's about. Things aren't always as they appear and people can be marvelous actors.

No point telling you what you already know; you're a bastard, a cheat, experiencing a mid-life crisis...whatever. The deed is done. I would at this point tell your wife. It could go one of two ways as the above poster suggests:

a) You come clean and you both actively work towards forgiveness and rebuilding your marriage.
b) She says 'no thanks' and you separate.
c) You leave your wife for the mistress. You accept that said mistress could be a slutty floozy. You weigh up the pros and cons and decide if a few months of good sex is worth 10 years of marriage and whether or not you'll still be okay with your decision if the mistress turns out to be less than what you thought she was.

[michelle23]

Wife was actually the first to cheat in our relationship, which she did before we were married. Not that I care at this point. Also, I haven't made any excuses for my actions. I explained my reasons. Reasons and excuses are similar and can be confusing to some people.

Lastly Michelle, it's obvious from your post that you were cheated on before and haven't properly dealt with the emotional pain that it caused you, so while I do appreciate you taking the time to post, your advice is completely biased and therefore, worthless and non-credible.

I was cheated on once when I was 17 by a bloke I wasnt in love with. I got over it within a few months and moved on with my life so no I am not biased. You can get all defensive all you like-the truth hurts.

I have never cheated on someone and never would so I can give you an HONEST account of what I think. The only people who would be biased in this situation would be people who tell you what you want to hear-that you can live happily ever after with your new woman and everything will be all flowers and smiles.

The fact your wife cheated on you is irrelevant coz you married her after it happened which implies that you forgave her. That was your choice and it doesn't give you permission to get your revenge ten years later. Maybe you should have saw that as a huge red flag and walked away a long time ago instead of marrying her. Again that screams emotional immaturity to me and co-dependency.

You have a few different choices here.

1/. End your marriage, be alone for awhile and grieve the loss of that relationship while getting some personal therapy to help you grow and heal emotionally.
2/. Tell your wife the truth and ask her for another chance and get marriage counselling if she agrees.
3/. Pretend everything is fine when it obviously is not and go on to live a double life and a lie with your two women.
4/. Leave your wife for your whore who you do not trust now and never will.

Personally I think you should go with number one. End your unhappy marriage and your affair and work on yourself. Take some time out, be alone and wait until you are completely unbiased, figure out what you want and need before meeting someone new.

Right now you are taking the cowards way out probably out of fear of being alone so you wont leave plan A until you have a plan B lined up. It is unhealthy and destructive. When a long-term relationship ends you should be alone for at least 6 months as hopping into something new too soon doesnt work.

[TablesandChairs]

The OP isn't thinking with his head; he's been neglected so this woman seems like the best thing in the world. She's obviously no stranger in terms of how to play men; she's got baggage and then some (a new born is about as much baggage as you can get) so she's going to have to play the game as well as she can in order to sucker someone in. And...well, for as long as there are lustful, bored men in the world...she'll succeed.

Do you really need this? I mean we're not in your shoes - how many boxes does she tick exactly? Is she stable, does she have a career, does she know what she wants from life, can she maintain honesty...she obviously has no trouble having sex or getting pregnant...I guess if that's all you need, so be it. Leave your wife, take a gamble and if it doesn't work out, at least you can say 'well I was going to get a divorce anyway'.

[michelle23]

yes infatuation is a disease which plays tricks on you and makes you think you are "in love". Wait until the infatuation wears off and then youll see how badly you have ****ed up. Right now your head is in the clouds, your wearing your heart on your sleeve and you are looking at her through rose tinted glasses believing that she can give you the love, affection and emotional connection you crave.

I dont think this is about sex to be honest-that is the one thing he is getting from his wife. This affair (like most) is driven emotionally-not hormonal.

If you do leave your wife for this other woman-the best advice I can give you is to go really slow. I mean snail slow-the same way you did when you met your wife and weren't stupid enough to rush into anything too soon. You should not move her here to live with you and take on her financial burdens as well as her children or marry her. You should just date her and see how it goes-the same way you would if you were single and met someone new.

Your wife deserves to know the truth so tell her, let her kick you out and take things one step at a time. Otherwise you will end up climbing the walls, tearing your hair out, feeling trapped and wanting out of your new relationship. You could also give yourself a heart attack in the process.

I really think you need counselling

[bcgirl]

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I've cheated before so you're getting it out from a cheaters perspective. You were emotionally unsatisfied in your marriage (usually its the women that feel this way) but in your case, your wife is the work-a holic, she brings in a lot of money, she's hardly ever home and when she is she is probably thinking about work and so the passionate cuddling and love making isn't like those Hollywood movies. You meet a girl who got a divorce and on the rebound slutting it up. She is using you, probably for the convenience of you paying for everything. If she didn't care for her convenient bf and claims to be oh do in love with you...why didn't she just leave him? Don't get so infatuated to get suckered into her manipulation. Does her bf know she's been cheating on him with you? The moral thing to do would be to divorce your wife. Give your wife a chance to find love too..because at her age, it ain't as easy as your mistresses age. As for my theory, your mistress cares more for her bf than you. She is living with him and having his baby for cryin out loud. Whenever she's not having a good time with her bf, you're her 2nd choice. She has it easy, if her bf dumps her ... You are next in line willing to tAke care of her and her two kids by two different baby daddy's. score!