SO scared to take it to next step after 5 1/2 years. What to do?

[cebap]

I have been in a relationship for 5 1/2 years with my current SO. We are young, I'm 23 and he is 27.

We met when I was 17, and started dating soon after I turned 18 in college, and after that he were inseparable. I entered the relationship keeping an open mind. I would tell myself "I'm young, this probably won't work out, but I'll just have fun and see where this goes". Three months in I moved in with him, things got serious, then years went by. There would be months were (since we shared many of the same classes) we'd be with each other pretty much all hours of the day. We were best friends, partners, and lovers. As time went by I'd be like :
"Relationships can't be this good"
"Dammit, I'm too young to find someone who I work this well with",
"HOW did time pass that quickly without even a hiccup!"

Well, that jinxed it! As we were coming up upon 4 1/2 years, I started to feel like I really hadn't given myself the time to figure out who I was. During this period I decided to revisit my faith, which I had put on the back burner for years. This caused some conflict, and we eventually decided that I should live on my own for a while in order to figure out who I was and what I wanted. I know it's a lifelong process, but I am now feeling pretty comfortable with who I am. I explored my faith and find myself somewhere between the faith of my childhood and my agnosticism, which is comfortable for me and not in the crazy evangelical spectrum. I'm following my passions and loving my life.

So.

My boyfriend has been supporting me in this process the entire time. We have had some difficulties from how I changed, but I fel things are starting to settle. Our relationship is becoming much more vibrant again, and the storm seems to have passed.




Now, as we approach 6 years, I'm starting to wonder if he will ever pop the question.

I've expressed that marriage is something important to me, because it's a public ceremony that shows our partnership to our family and friends (which will be needed for our extended family to see us as a "real" couple). I don't view marriage as a piece of paper or some sort of pageant . I don't want a big ceremony, just our closest family and friends. As a child, I never dreamed of having a wedding, I only want it now because I think I stumbled on the right person (just early in my life) I have offered to, instead of getting a diamond ring, opt for a simple band and use the money for a pre-nup. I think it's important that we are equals within the relationship, and don't want to put myself in a situation where I could screw him over if we separate.

Overall...he doesn't know what he wants. He hadn't considered marriage to be on the table until I had my change of faith and moved out, and now we are sort of in a limbo...trying to figure out if we should come back together or fade apart.
He says that what helps him the most is us talking about how our lives are doing. keeping him in the loop on where I am in my self-discovery is helpful to this decision, but I don't now how long I should wait until saying "we have something great, but I have to find someone who will be comfortable publicly commiting after 6 years"

Right now I'm just sort of in a holding pattern. I'm not interested in ultimatums, because I don't think that they would be fair to him. Please understand that this is extremely complicated and multi-faceted, I'm open to any questions about the living situations, etc.

Any opinions or help? I know this topic seems to be overdone, but I really can't seem to figure out what I should do.

[basilandthyme]

Is the problem that he doesn't see marriage as being important - or that he doesn't know if you're the one? Thing is, I've known more young men that I can count who've said "I'll never marry" and then they find The One and get married very happily. Come to think of it, the example I gave would give a Yes to both of those initial questions...so perhaps that's no help.

Why do you feel a pre-nup is necessary? Surely, if you're not the type to screw him over, then you won't screw him over.'

Have you always wanted marriage - or is this a recent change since you decided to spend time working on yourself? If you've always wanted marriage and he doesn't - why is it becoming an issue only now?

Lastly, you say that you don't want to give an ultimatum. Thing is though, if you decide that this is a dealbreaker, your leaving is actually a discrete ultimatum. As in, he'll have the power to stop you leaving if he changes his mind. So, you may as well be open about it.

[michelle23]

Your 23. What is the rush? If you love him and your happy and your committed to each other-you should just stay that way. If you start harping on about marriage and making him feel like he has to marry you-your just gonna freak him out and push him away. It has to be his decision whether he is going to propose or not and he doesnt need you dropping hints because he probably already assumes you want to get married.

I reckon if your happy with him-then dont say a word. Give it another 2 years and if he has not proposed by then when he is heading for 30-you can re-evaluate the situation and decide your next move.

Obviously if it is really important to you and you cannot get past this-then you may have to end the relationship now.