Hast my bf lost interest in me?

[Arieleira]

My bf was deployed to Kuwait for the army. Everyday he was gone we talked on Skype. My job is seasonal so I was out of work and had plenty of time. We quickly went to talking from the moment I woke up till I went to bed. I mean this literally it turned into me asking permission to eat and shower. But that's besides the point because I think that was just the army. He would talk me into maturbating for him on camera so he could get off multiple times a day. He was constantly horney. And he was like that before he left. He just got home and has only been so a month and I can only count on one hand the number of timeswe have had sex. Now all he does is play video games and barely pays any attention to me. We live together for the record. When we have sex I have to ask and it's never making love. No foreplay barely any kissing just sex and he's done. He doesn't initiate and pushes me away when I try to get him turned on. He always has a different excuse. He is 22 and I am 23. Am I wrong to assume that we should be having sex a lot more and he should be into it? What am I doing wrong. Is he just not into me anymore. Is he cheating. How do I get him to want me. Idk how long I can handle this. It's only been a month since we had sex and I feel so ugly and unwanted because of his actions. PLEAS HELP ME

[searock]

Have you talked to him about it? What did he say?

[Arieleira]

He just gets defensive and says he loves me. He talks his way out. Or he will have sex with me so we don't have to talk about it. But it's never romantic and as soon as he's done he'll get a shower or jump on his Xbox. It's like he doesn't want me around.

[searock]

Then why are you still with him? Clearly he isn't giving you what you want, need and deserve...

[Boisdevie]

He's obviously not prepared to take your concerns seriously is he? So you have to let him know very clearly that you're not happy with the current situation and if things do not change you will end the relationship. He has to realise that you're seriously unhappy and will walk unless things change.

[Arieleira]

I'm still with him because I really do love him. I think I'm scared to go cause I know it's going to hurt

[searock]

Yet you have no alternative... he isn't taking you seriously. You should tell him that either something changes, or you will go.

[Boisdevie]

I'm still with him because I really do love him.

Why do you love him as he's clearly not giving you what you want, need or deserve?

I think I'm scared to go cause I know it's going to hurt

If it hurts him then tough. And why would it hurt you more than you're being hurt already by being in a relationship that's not working for you?
Be a grown up, stop accepting what little he seems prepared to give you. Don't YOU deserve better than this?

[dickriculous]

Am I wrong to assume that we should be having sex a lot more and he should be into it?

No, not at all. If I were away from my girl for a year she would have to file a restraining order against me and have me put in a straight jacket to keep me off of her. Your situation definitely isn't normal, and it definitely merits concern - concern that he seems to blow off when you try to express it which is a shitty way to treat your significant other.

So yeah, chalk up another vote for telling him that things have to change or you're leaving. Breaking up is hard but what else are you gonna do? Stay with someone who's making you feel miserable and undesirable for the rest of your life? If he expects you to keep subjecting yourself to that then maybe he's not the guy you fell in love with anymore.

Edit: Or maybe the guy you fell in love with wasn't really him but rather an idealization of who he really was.

[michelle23]

Are you sure hes not depressed? What was his time like in the army? Could he have post traumatic stress? Maybe you could suggest some counselling?
How long have you been together? Do you trust him? Is there any other signs he could be cheating?

[Arieleira]

That's what I thought would happen. He was very sweet and loving and cute up until he came home. His first two days home he was amazing and now it's just gone. He was always a very sexual person and now he barely kisses me but claims he still loves me. I've threatened to leave before and he's like whatever and goes to bed or tells me he's stayin at his moms which makes me more upset cause I'm like why don't you care enough to talk about this and his response is I'm not an emotional person. I think he just needs to grow up a little bit. Two nights ago I tried talking to him about it and at first it was like usual and I was really going to leave. I was crying so hard and he knew I was serious and he started apologizing. I don't get it. He'll apologize and say he loves me and everything. Could this all be him not ready for a committed relationship?

[Arieleira]

Is there something I can do to gain his interest back? Would stepping back and letting him come to me be a bad idea?

[michelle23]

If I were you Id walk out the door. It may be the push he needs to wake up and change. Pack up your stuff and go and see how long it takes for him to beg you to come back. Dont give in easily-tell him that he needs to start communicating with you like an adult. Your supposed to be a team and you cant read his mind. Tell him you are willing to get relationship counselling but only if he is willing to try and make things better.

I think its wrong though. He has seen how upset you are, he knows hes breaking your heart but still wont even give you an explanation.

Have you tried talking calmly to him? Just over a cup of tea and a casual chat? Tell him how you feel and say "I" not "you" example instead of saying *you dont love me* say I feel unloved" If you have not had a calm honest conversation with him without tears or shouting/arguing-then do that now. The way you approach this could help him to open up more if you are calm.

If that doesnt work-then pack your bags.

[Arieleira]

If I were you Id walk out the door. It may be the push he needs to wake up and change. Pack up your stuff and go and see how long it takes for him to beg you to come back. Dont give in easily-tell him that he needs to start communicating with you like an adult. Your supposed to be a team and you cant read his mind. Tell him you are willing to get relationship counselling but only if he is willing to try and make things better.

I think its wrong though. He has seen how upset you are, he knows hes breaking your heart but still wont even give you an explanation.

Have you tried talking calmly to him? Just over a cup of tea and a casual chat? Tell him how you feel and say "I" not "you" example instead of saying *you dont love me* say I feel unloved" If you have not had a calm honest conversation with him without tears or shouting/arguing-then do that now. The way you approach this could help him to open up more if you are calm.

If that doesnt work-then pack your bags.

Ill try talking to him today. I am usually very gentle in conversation. That's just how I am but I will try what u said sticking to I. Lets see how it goes. It just really breaks my heart because I don't want to go but I know I'm going to need to.

[michelle23]

Be prepared. write a list of the main issues that need to be discussed and focus on staying on topic. Ask open ended non-judgmental questions, be calm and patient and listen. Look at the clock and tell yourself that you will only discuss this for 30-60 minutes. If you are still upset with no answers and no solution at the end-just walk upstairs-pack a bag and leave without saying goodbye.

That is all you can do. Youll either have answers and solutions today and ways to work together and fix this or you give up and walk away. Staying and fighting and crying-stuck in limbo will do more harm than good.