6 years in...need advice

[Jkuro]

I've been with the same person almost 6 years now, lived together 5 of them. We've always had a great relationship but recently I've had thoughts of dating other people. A little background to that: I use to weigh 300lbs and have gone through a lot of changes in my life and am now at 185. I met her after I started losing weight. Another thing, she is technically my only relationship. I dated one girl before but that didn't last long. She on the other hand, had been with 7 guys before me which I am totally fine with.

After a lot of thinking and analysis(sorry I'm a science nerd), I came up with a few reasons for these thoughts I am having. First of all, the weightloss. Before that I had no confidence and didn't think much of myself. That hasn't changed much but now women do seem to be actually attracted to me. Secondly, the lack of "experiences". I feel like I missed out on the dating scene due to my lack of confidence earlier in life along with the lack of interest from ANY woman lol. Not only that, I never really had any type of friendly relationship with any woman so I feel like I missed out on that part. Not necessarily the physical part, but more on the emotional side.

I talked to her about it and she kinda understands where I am coming from. I am kinda on the fence on what to do. I kinda want to ask for time off but it just seems like I am being selfish and wanting her to wait for me while I go out and date others... These thoughts have brought major sadness to my life as I do not want to hurt her, but I am just not that happy right now. Not sure if others can share similar experiences? Or offer any advice...

[michelle23]

You were insecure when you met her so settled for second best (in your mind) she gave you confidence and now you think you can do better. Thats it in a nutshell. One reason to avoid insecure people.

There will be no waiting for you. Its all or nothing so make your choice.

You end it now and go and see is the grass greener and deal with the consequences (losing her for good) if its not or you stay and put all your time, energy and love into this woman who has given you 6good happy years and loved you even when you were fat.

You cant have both so make up your mind. Dont you dare expect her to be second best to you or a backup plan. She deserves better than that and you know it

[Jkuro]

Thanks for those thoughts. I can honestly say I don't think she's second best, but then again maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I love her very much and do think she's the person I am suppose to live the rest of my life with but the thought of being with only one person my whole life is just weird. That isn't it how I wanted it to be but it just ended up that way. I keep thinking that maybe I met my one and only too early in life? I don't know, but all this is very confusing.

Any suggestions on how to stop thinking this way? Even then I wonder how healthy it is to suppress those types of feelings... I feel like it would snowball and it could end up worse if we end up getting married and having kids.

And I'd like to object to your "avoid insecure people" comment but it's true. How does one get rid of insecurities? haha no that's for another forum lol

[michelle23]

Maybe you should seek counselling to help you decide?

I have been with my bf for 5years, we were both inexperienced when we met and were planning to buy a house, we got unofficially engaged last night and hes talking babies. Were both confident people, we both know we could easily find someone else if we ever did break up but were 100% committed and happy. I dont care if im never with anyone else again. I asked him before does he ever worry about things like that and he said no coz he knows he has the best.

That takes a lot of confidence.

[michelle23]

It is normal byw to wonder is the grass greener. Most people go through a very confusing stage of doubts.

You should do some research. Look up "the signs of a healthy relationship", "thinking the grass is greener", the 9stages of a relationship", "how insecurity/low self-esteem affects relationships", "losing weight and breaking up" etc

try to get some answers and make sure you are 100% sure before you make a decision.

You have probably experienced a 100times more with her then a person who has dated 10 different people in 5years. I know that sounds weird but the bond, emotional connection, intimacy etc is a lot more special in a long term relationship and in my opinion worth a lot more than a fling.

Is there any underlying issues that you have not mentioned? Or in general are you happy with her?

[Jkuro]

Can I ask if the inexperience was due to choice or situation? By situation I mean that no one wanted you pretty much.

For us, she certainly can get someone else as soon as tomorrow. I always see guys hitting on her and/or checking her out. On my end...I would just hope that if we did break up that it wouldn't take another 22 years to find someone haha.

And yes, we have talked about counseling. We both keep thinking that they are going to tell us to split up for some reason.

[Jkuro]

A few things I did not mention: I do sometimes feel like I am moving in a different direction than she is. I have become very active and would love it if she joined me but she doesn't. We both have our college education but unfortunately she cannot find a decent job and has been stuck for the last 2 years working at a department store making minimum wage and working about 15-20hrs a week while I have a career and pay for most of our expenses. And the job she has, has her working odd hours every week and sometimes on nights during the weekend which is the only time I can do anything due to my job during the week. So I end up working all week and on weekends she is gone working while I stay at home and sit on the couch...

[michelle23]

No neither of us ever lacked attention but were both "the relationship type" he could have banged 50 random women if he wanted to while single but never had any interest in that.

[michelle23]

If she got a better job with similar hours to you would you be happier?

You say you want to marry her? Its crazy to even considerleaving if you think shes perfect for you. The next ten girls you meet will just be compared to her and none will be good enough. You shouldnt take her for granted. This is about you and your insecurity issues. You should seek individual counselling for that.

[Jkuro]

No neither of us ever lacked attention but were both "the relationship type" he could have banged 50 random women if he wanted to while single but never had any interest in that.

Yeah that's what I am thinking my problem is. I never had those opportunities so maybe I am just looking to be wanted by others?

[Jkuro]

The job thing is just an example of what I think is her getting too comfortable and having lost all her ambition to get better.

Yes I do see her as the one I am meant to be with but it seems that I'm missing that feeling of having lived before I met her. I'd like to think that if I did have a few relationships before I met her, then there would be no problem but unfortunately that isn't the case and "what ifs" don't work in real life.

With this, I am not looking to just have sex with a bunch of women. Again, confusing! lol

[michelle23]

You said women seem to find you attractive now. Why isnt just knowing that enough for you? What are you hoping to achieve by dating others?

Do you feel as if you and she are not compatable? Would you prefer someone with more ambition and drive?

What are the "what ifs" what makes you think youd feel better if you did have 2 or 3 exes?

Do you even know what you want? Are you thinking there may be someone better than her for you?

[michelle23]

Maybe you should type into google "dumped my exand now i want her back" youll find lots of people with many regrets

[Jkuro]

We are compatible but is it possible to be too compatible? When we first met, I was a shy guy that didn't like to go out much. I initially thought she was a party animal that just wanted to go out and have fun. We did meet while studying abroad so maybe she was just having fun while there? Anyways, I wanted someone who could take me out of my shell and MAKE me do things that are fun but she turned out to be a lot like me. I mean we both LOVE Star Wars, love staying home to watch TV and movies, go out to eat, etc... I think now that I've become a little more active and she's stayed the same, it has kinda bothered me...

By "What ifs" I meant like being in the situation where I did have exes. I think having exes wouldn't be causing me to have the thoughts of not being with ANYONE before I met her. I didn't grow up thinking, boy I only to meet my one and only right away and thats it! I wanted to go out with others and experience being in relationships but it never happened. At least that's what I keep thinking, if I just had a past then there would be no problem...

This has me confused to the point of not knowing what I want now... I don't think there is someone better but maybe someone different? I'd like to think that I've matured at least a bit and have my unique views of life. I am an atheist who thinks life is unique and beautiful and you only get to live it once. So I guess that might be another reason for my current thoughts about my relationship. You only live once, yet you didn't allow yourself to experience others? I am just thinking out loud now so I know I sound a bit crazy haha

[michelle23]

Well it is possible to outgrow someone, to want different things. Only you can make the decision.

I just think you should break up coz your not happy with that person-not coz your wondering is the grass greener.