Affair, kids, it's very messy !!!

[Sebastian H]

I think you’re right. We never dealt with it at the time and just drifted further apart. We never discussed it because she was ashamed (She really didn’t want to talk about being caught out which is why so many unanswered questions) and I didn’t really want to accept it but recently old wounds have re-opened when I found clear evidence of the physicality which at the time was denied completely.

It was a poor decision to remain, I agree. It just helps discussing as I have no family in that regard.

[michelle23]

Some men let women get away with too much. If that was the other way round and you were ashamed-do you think that would stop her from demanding answers or from walking out the door? I doubt it. Most women would cause hell on earth over this. You should have too.

Anyway whats done is done. I think the whole idea of the open relationship is pointless. What will happen when you fall in love with someone and want to live with her? Its better to just end the relationship completely and go your separate ways before meeting someone else.

Plus you still have a lot of healing to do before you will be ready to date again

I know this is really hard for you but what she did was so selfish and unforgivable. Now its your turn to be selfish and put your happiness first. Your a great dad and your kids will be well looked after no matter what happens. You can share custody but you deserve some happiness after all this heartache. Look after you

[smackie9]

Children are very perceptive, and they see the tension in your (common law) marriage. Children would be more comfortable with two parents that are happy living apart rather than stuck in an environment with two parents that live in misery.

[smackie9]

Sebastian H I know right now your mind is going off in different directions, with the though of her infidelity vs. tearing apart a family. Yes infidelity is destructive, but it doesn't have to end everything. People do manage to build a better relationship from it. If this is what you wish for then I suggest to you to seek out professional relationship counselor to work with the both of you. Maybe after a few sessions you can decide then which course of action to take. I feel it is wise of you to make a effort to salvage or to at least find peace knowing you did everything you could to keep your family together. I really don't blame you for not wanting to throw it all away.

[michelle23]

Yes smackie is right. if you really want to try and save it-you will need relationship counselling. It may be possible to fall in love again and forgive her and it may make her understand how much she hurt you because I bet she doesn't even know. Selfish people who cheat like that rarely understand the emotional turmoil they have created in their partner. They just dont get it and they make excuses to try and justify it in their own mind so they dont have to feel the guilt.

You have a few choices

1/. leave now (talk to a solicitor about your legal rights)
2/. get counselling and try to save it one last time
3/. stay and continue on the way you are (which will probably lead to a massive heart attack)
4/. suggest an open relationship (which I think is pointless and wont work long term but just giving you all your options)
5/. have a revenge affair (which again i dont agree with-two wrongs dont make it right)

You should also confide in a friend (someone you trust). You really need someone to talk to, someone who wont judge you and who will just listen

[Sebastian H]

Thanks for all the advice, it helps to share.

I think I'm going to confront her head on and depending on whether I'm fed lies or whether she is honest and truthful will be dependant on what I do. If I ask her directly about the physical side and she denies it then how can I possibly build on the relationship if the lies continue when I have evidence. If she admits to it then maybe, just maybe there's hope !

is this the right approach?

[HeartIsAching]

If you're bent on trying to save it then yes, it's pretty much the only approach that makes sense. You are absolutely correct when you say that you can't build on a foundation of distrust.

[michelle23]

Thanks for all the advice, it helps to share.

I think I'm going to confront her head on and depending on whether I'm fed lies or whether she is honest and truthful will be dependant on what I do. If I ask her directly about the physical side and she denies it then how can I possibly build on the relationship if the lies continue when I have evidence. If she admits to it then maybe, just maybe there's hope !

is this the right approach?

Yes you should do this. However, dont "confront her". Try to approach this calmly and just ask open ended questions. If she asks why are you bringing this up now? Just say "I need answers, I cant get this out of my head and its killing me. Please just be honest with me"

Dont be surprised if this causes you to breakdown. Admitting something is wrong after so long of pretending and ignoring the issue will be hard. You may find it difficult to get the words out but dont let that stop you.

Get all your questions answered now and you can worry about what to do next after.

Come back and let us know what happens. Well be here if you need more help

[smackie9]

Thanks for all the advice, it helps to share.

I think I'm going to confront her head on and depending on whether I'm fed lies or whether she is honest and truthful will be dependant on what I do. If I ask her directly about the physical side and she denies it then how can I possibly build on the relationship if the lies continue when I have evidence. If she admits to it then maybe, just maybe there's hope !

is this the right approach?

Just because she had cyber sex doesn't mean she physically got sex from him. She could be telling you the truth after all. She has been honest with you about everything else so far.

[smackie9]

Anyways it's time for you to move forward and work on your relationship issues. The emotionally cheating is a symptom of deeper issues within your marriage. ...what led up to the cheating is what you both should be focusing on with a counselor. Beating her down for something that may not have happened is the wrong approach.

[michelle23]

an affair is an uhealthy way to escape from reality. maybe she felt insecure after the baby and the attention made her feel more attractive or maybe she was finding all the changes with a new baby hard to cope with and he was a distraction.

im not making excuses or trying to justify it in any way-im just offering some insight. theres no excuse for what she did but she does need to find a healthier way to deal with crap. people whi have affairs lack the inner strenght and emotional maturity to cope during bad times and thats what she needs to work on.

[basilandthyme]

Yes you should do this. However, dont "confront her". Try to approach this calmly and just ask open ended questions.

You beat me to the punch

[samreddevilz]

Yep. I agree with your thought. It's true I think. Very messy.

[Sebastian H]

Okay guys and girls, to put a concluding end to this.

I sat her down last night, held her hand on the chair and spoke to her calmly and truthfully. I started off by saying all I wanted was the truth and absolute honesty and I deserved as much. Basically, I didn’t mince words – I came out and asked her to look me in the eyes as the father of her children and answer me if she had sex with this other guy. She got angry, looked away, called me a liar. I repeated the question probably about 7-8 times, each time asking her to look me in the eyes. She said no and that I was a liar and why I should be bringing this up a couple years later as she had forgotten about the whole thing. I told her I knew she had and again she called me a liar in a confrontational way. I then asked her if she had ever stopped away from home on her own with this guy. She again so no. I said she had and this went on. I turned around and said I don’t deserve this after all she had put me through and was hoping that somehow we could have been honest and maybe, just maybe fought for something. She said I was a liar and had to prove it – so I did. I named the places she had stopped at, what they had done. She then accepted that she had stopped away with this guy on her own. So I then thanked her for her honesty. I then asked her if at this place they stopped at did they have sex. She said no. After a little more pressure she crumbled and admitted everything including the sex.

But the horrible thing was she was so cold and emotionless, no crying. She actually said she was relieved and has already started trying to convince me to keep quiet about it to save face and started trying to justify the affair. I’m not going to start spreading it around family + friends, but if asked I’m not going to lie.

If I’m the one whose done nothing wrong, then why the hell am I hurting so much?

[HeartIsAching]

Be aware that she's given you NO honesty. She lied every step of the way, until you proved that you knew better. Time to walk away.