Affair, kids, it's very messy !!!

[Sebastian H]

Please someone offer me some advice because I’m not sleeping and my whole life is on hold at the moment and I don’t know what to do.

A couple of years ago I found out my missus was having an affair with a co-worker. One day she left her Facebook page open, and I’m not proud of the fact, but I had my suspicions and checked her emails. Prior to that this guy, and let me tell you the man is everything I’m not, he’s tall, extremely good-looking, bit of a party-animal type, he was coming over to my house quite a lot while I was at work. That was fine to a point as my missus was telling me but nothing at the time raised suspicion until she started going off me in the bedroom completely and going upstairs to text on her phone. By the way at the time my son was just over a year old while this guy was visiting my house. The email I read basically stated that their relationship was over as things had ‘moved too fast’ and she wasn’t ready. It destroyed me at the time and she insisted it was nothing sexual, just an ‘emotional affair’ and that they just went out and had a laugh and partied. At this point I’ll say I’m not the party type, any spare time I have is for my children as I’m a devout family man so I blame myself in that respect. Anyway, she begged for forgiveness but this has consumed me for years that fact that she betrayed me with this guy and I think about it literally every day and have no-one to talk to as I have no family and am uncomfortable discussing with friends.

That trust was broken but still I had this nagging gut-instinct that there was more to it than just ‘emotional’ as there was so many, many lies that I discovered. I’m still bitter about it deeply and as time passed we had a second child but the relationship was never the same again. Now we have two gorgeous children that we both dote on and believe me that as parents we are great and loving and our children want for nothing but as a couple there’s nothing. The physical side practically ended a year ago now and I think every day whether this is good for the kids, or even is it good for me as a person? Am I being fair to myself and my children in living this sort of fake-relationship. We never discuss her affair ever and I won’t bring it up so just live with this burning anger. Then, just last week I found one of her old phones in the cupboard and again, I’m not proud, but I charged it and read the messages she had forgotten to delete which were from this guy two months before I found out about them. The messages were graphic, detailing where they were arranging to stop together, where they had already stopped, what he was going to do to her when they met up (very graphic) and one text which was basically him pleasuring himself over a pic she had just sent him. This obviously suggests they were sexual in their relationship and now I know for certain, and years down the line, what do I do and how do I approach or even should I approach? She would still deny any sexual contact but I now know there was and have proof. Should I forgive even though I’m not in love with her anymore (although I love her for the mother she is to the kids). Help !

[michelle23]

if your looking for permission to leave you have mine. your living in hell right now and its unfair to you. i would have left when it happened. any kind of cheating disgusts me and i know 100% without a doubt that id walk straight out the door and never look back but im not ylu so ill give you all your options and try to be unbiased.

if you want to try and make this work then communication is vital. you need to ask all the qs that are going round in your head and get answers. she needs to be 100% honest with you and youll need
marriage counselling.

you should break a vase and tell your wife to put all the broken pieces back together. thats how long it will take to fix this and itl prob never be the same again but if you really want to you can try. every aspect of your relationship is broken so youll have to start from scratch which means dating and getting to know each other all over again.

like i said-if it was me id be gone but its your decision. do what you feel is best. im sorry this happened to you. you sound like a good man and deserve better

[Valixy]

You so didn't deserve this, Sebastian and neither did your children. It's really sad when a woman decides to bring so much unhappiness on her family.

I think that she needs to know how much you've been struggling for years to come to terms with what happened and the new texts you have found. Obviuosly this will bring a big crises between you two, but it might be what you need in order to finally begin to heal with or without her.

Since she has been faithful after that and you have two wonderful children, you might want to consider therapy together and try to work with her with all these feelings you've been hiding for years. Your children would appreciate you trying all options available to make this marriage work before considering to end it.

Apparently my father cheated on my mother in the first years of marriage and she was able to forgive him. As a daugther I am grateful she could do that but if she had been so hurt for so long like you have been and she would have decided to separate, she wouldn't have been to blame either.

[michelle23]

staying for the kids sake is not a good reason in my opinion. id prefer my parents both happy and well then together just for my sake. and id fully understand if one cheated and the other left.

if thats the only reason your still there OP you should leave. you can still be an amazing dad and share custody.

i no its hard on the kids if their parents separate and its not ideal but its not fair for you to be miserable every damn day either.

i dont believe anyone can ever really "forgive" your mother probably suppressed her pain and anger valixy which is unhealthy. i couldnt do it anyway and it baffles me how anyone can unless they blame themselves for what happened. maybe thats how they find the strenght to stay by taking responsibility for what their partner did. i dont believe in that

[Valixy]

I agree with your advice for the OP, Michele, but... there are people that can forgive and relationships that succeed to overcome infidelity, so, yes, there are always exceptions from the rule.

[basilandthyme]

Such an awful position for you to be in. At the moment, you have three choice:

1. Stay with her and sit and stew inwardly with anger. This is just too toxic for both you and the kids. I really don't recommend it.

2. Do marriage counselling, discuss the affair and do everything you can to get past it. After the counselling, you would hope to be able to find remorse from her, forgiveness from you and some changes in your marriage. While I'm not excusing her behaviour, there were probably some basic needs of hers which weren't being met.

3. Leave. But she'll probably get custody of the kids and you'll get to see them far less.

If I was in your position, I'd do #2. If there were no kids, I'd probably just leave - but there are kids and I believe that you both need to give it your all for their sake. However, if you can't get past it and have a healthier marriage, then leaving is the only option.

[michelle23]

yes im sure your right. it still baffles me though. id rather leave then try to forgive. i know i never would be able to. in general i am quite forgiving-im not the type to hold grudges but when it comes to cheating, for me thats a nail in the coffin and id rather crawl into a hole and die or eat my own feet than try to forgive him.

it takes between 6months-2years to heal emotionally after a long term relationship ends. id rather suffer fpr those two years than stay and suffer for the rest of my life with a man who has ripped my heart out.

[smackie9]

even though I’m not in love with her anymore[/B] (although I love her for the mother she is to the kids). Help !

Her cheating is inexcusable, but this quote tells me you neglected your relationship with her or you both grew apart. There is nothing worse than being in a loveless marriage. This is already a dead marriage, it's time to move on. If you are worried about the kids, put them into family counseling.

[Zaz01]

I guess it pretty much goes without saying that if there were no kids, you already should've and probably would've left her. The way it is, I'd recommend as most others did that you two do some marriage counseling. Although let's be realistic, your relationship is probably beyond repair now. Cheating, lying amd hiding stuff are not something you can or will forgive and forget. It is a hard situation. You're not really with her because of her but because of kids. The relationship for you is the relationship with kids.
It's out of the box suggestion but maybe an open marriage would work? Although you don't seem the type for it. Wouldn't recommend divorce at this point. Do counseling. With her and just by yourself perhaps as well.

[Sebastian H]

Thanks guys and girls,

Some good advice but I’m still in this unsure state of what to do. Just to clarify, I’m not actually married to this girl, we just live together. I was very much in love with her until the day I found out about the affair which at the time she convinced me was just ‘emotional’

I just feel after a few years and now knowing what I do, am I being fair? The very thought of them together consumes me and reading their messages suggested a couple in love, very much how we were like when we first got together. For me, I just feel second-best every single day but am I being true and fair to myself? Whys should I feel this bad? I want her to feel a fraction of my pain and yet I look at my children each day and realise they deserve our absolute happiness and family togetherness. Yet this girl ripped my heart out.

Should I reveal that I now know about them being physical or let it eat away at me? And if I do, she could walk with the kids and why should I get punished twice?

My confidence is at such a low ebb.

[michelle23]

Sebastian holding this pain and anger inside is not healthy. If you are not ready to talk to your partner, I recommend you see a counselor on your own. All this stress is so bad for you, it will drive you into an early grave if you are not careful. You need help.

Look up the five stages of grief after infidelity. It will help you to understand the process you are going through. Many people do not leave a relationship until after they go through this grieving process as it is very difficult to make logical decisions when you are depressed.

You never dealt with the affair at the time, it was brushed under the carpet and you have been carrying it around like the weight of the world all this time and now this new evidence will likely just start the grief all over again.

If you are considering leaving, talk to a lawyer and figure out what all your legal rights are for the children.

Right now you are stuck in limbo and things cannot stay the way they are. Its decision time.

You said you do not love her anymore. That is one of many reasons to leave.

[michelle23]

And to add you should stop feeling like second best. You have done nothing wrong. You are too good for her. All the qualities you listed about being a family man, living for your children and her, honest, loyal, reliable etc you should give yourself a pat on the back for that. That is what most women want and need in a man especially when you have children so dont put yourself down for that. What she did is inexcusable and you should not waste a second blaming yourself

[Sebastian H]

I’ve been thinking about the best way forward on this. Although the red mist is down every time I re-read the messages and knowing what they did together and possibly what I’ll never know I cant entertain the thought of being without the kids. Their smiles are what makes a dreary day just perfect and the pain is dulled somewhat!

I’ve been thinking about confronting her in a calm way and asking for the truth which I already know but I want to hear it regardless. For the stability of the kids I was going to offer to let her stay at the house. I’m not sure how that would work but I can only assume that as we’re in a non-physical relationship already it would be pretty similar. I was going to suggest that the relationship is over and that we’re both free to see and date whomever but with ground rules that no-one is brought back to the house ever. It would confuse the kids.

I don’t want her to have the strain and stress of finding somewhere else to live. She has work and a career up here and this is where the children were raised. I’m offering a lot to let her stay under my roof knowing what happened but as I said, we’re good parents with the right qualities in that regard.

Is this too soft or am I clinging onto something unhealthy?

I’m not the forgiving type really and I couldn’t forgive myself not tucking my children up in bed for one night.

[Am I crazy?]

You cant change what is done. be careful taking advice from some of the people here. this is your life and posting here is only their hobby and they dont have to live with the outcome of the decision you make. Some of these people have never even been married who are giving you marital advice. Nobody knows your relationship better than you. Just follow your heart. Somewhere beneath the fear and anger you know what is the right thinh for you and your relationship. Sometimes you just need to decide if you want to live your lifer for the bhappiness of those around you or for your own. Dont assume just because you were to leave that it would ruin your kids. I have friends who have better relationships with the kids now than before the seperation because now when they are together they can actually focus on the kids and not all the other crap susch as what you are dealing with. Again, the only person who can tell you what is best to do is the dude looking back at you in the mirror. Dont let those here who give advice as a hobby make things worse. Just follow your heart, it will lead you to the right decision.

[basilandthyme]

After reading more of the background and thinking about what others have written, I'm starting to think it's too late to save the marriage. Because you've stewed on this for years without trying to fix it, you've managed to drift even further apart...evidenced by you not loving her anymore.

Out of curiosity, why did the two of you never discuss the affair, what led up to it and how to move forward? I've got to be honest, it was a very poor decision - and one which has just exacerbated the whole problem. One of you has to take responsibility for this decision and the fallout.

Thing is, if you don't love her now - it's only a matter of time before she finds someone who does love her. Likewise, if you're not having sex at home, it's only a matter of time before one of you starts finding physical affection elsewhere......and then you'll be sharing custody.

If you're not going to put your whole heart into fixing this, then you may as well leave now.