I made a mistake, I am utterly sorry and I dont know what else to do. Please help.

[SoUtterlySorry]

Married, made terrible mistake, can't get over it. Need help.?
Some context...

My wife and I met at the ages of 15/16 respectively. We immediately fell in love with one another and we were parents of our first child by the age of 17. Due to financial employment reasons we moved to where I spent my teenage years. At this point in our lives we weren't officially "married" but I've always considered her my wife and vice-versa I her husband.

She was struggling with her new surroundings, she had no one, no friends, no family and I was working like a madman trying to provide for us.

I wasnt able to "be there" enough for her and I put myself ahead of "Us". We fought alot, argued a lot, but mostly her loneliness and my inability to help her with it. I was 17/18, with a baby, a full-time 7-day, 12-hour-days job and I was over-whelmed.
I began hanging out with friends, with what little time I had off. We would go to rock shows around the state and just hang out and have fun, and I liked being a teenager again. My memory isn't the best, but at some point I met a group of people, a guy I went to school with , his sister who was a single mom a couple of years older than I and a couple other people.
I hung out with them on a couple of occasions and I enjoyed the attention of this guy's sister, I don't remember her name or even what she looked like. I recall hanging out with them once for lunch and then a few days later I was at the gas station after work and her brother came up to me and said "Hey, we're going up to the beach, wanna come with us?" it was 10 at ngiht and I stupidly said "Sure, sounds like fun" and I hopped into the car with them all and we went to the beach.

I don't remember all the details but I recall us in the water at the beach there and at some point the sister put her arms around me. And I didn't hate it. We were being flirtatious. I then remember being back in town with her and her brother in her car. We parked in front of the house she lived in
She had to run in, Then we were in her car where we sat and chatted, and again i didn't hate it, I enjoyed the attention and I was having fun as a teenager. After a few minutes I recall putting my arm around her, around her shoulders. And we kept chatting, a couple minutes after that she invited me into her house. And thats when it hit me.

Like a ton of bricks crashing down on me I had a sinking scared feeling of what I had just spent the last 3 hours doing. Flirting with her and giving the wrong impression of availability. I told her "No, I gotta run" and I left her car within seconds.
I called my wife and I told her how I just wanted to hear her voice, how I was scared but I never told her why, the poor girl was sitting at home at 2 in the morning, with our baby, worrying about me because it was lightning and she knew I was on my motorbike. meanwhile I was going around being the most terrible and disgusting version of myself.
I called her because I realized the error in my ways, I realized how wonderful a gift she was, how utterly precious she was and how f***ing stupid I was for ever having put my feelings first and put my relationship and family in Jeopardy.
I rode my Motorcycle home, I walked in the door bawling like a baby and I couldn't tell her why. I just couldn't stand the thought of how much it would hurt her to hear. I was a f***ing shameless coward and I am so distraught for having let "us" down.
For the next 16 years I carried this with me, this heavy, ugly stone on my back that I couldn't put down, I tried to tell myself "You didn't CHEAT on her, it's OKAY", "You were young and stupid it was just a silly mistake", "If you just wait long enough it will go away".
Earlier this week, my wife, through her amazing wonderfulness inspired me (unknowingly) and gave me the courage to step forward and come clean.

It has absolutely crushed her world.

In her eyes I have done the utterly unthinkable and I have broken her heart into 1,000 pieces.

I have let everyone I know down, but most of all I have let the woman I love so deeply and intensely loved since I was 16 years old down I let down my family.

My love for my wife, is indescribable. She is my best friend, my love and my rock. She picks me up when I'm down, she cheers me on when I'm up, she takes care of me and most of all she was hopelessly head-over-heels in love with me. And I let her down. I devastated her world.
I am going to try to pick up every single one of the 1,000 pieces of her heart and glue them all back together, and I'm going to make her a hurt-proof box to keep it in so no one else, myself included can ever hurt her like I've hurt her. I pray that she can one day forgive me. And allow herself to love me so hopelessly again.

Is there any advice out there? I'm dying here. Am I being too hard on myself? Or shameful for thinking I am?

[smackie9]

What happened was understandable. You were too young to take on the responsability of a wife and child, when others your age were dating and partying which teenagers should be doing. Since there was no sexual contact, it was forgivable...hey we all have our weak moments. The unforgivable thing is that you didn't have the balls to come clean that night....that is what is killing her. You didn't trust her enough to confess....you waited 16 years later....hard pill to swallow.

She will come to the reality that you were a just young teenager with a lot on your plate, and well teenagers are never the good at making wise choices. Anyways she is just in shock, but she will slowly snap out of it.....it happened so long ago, nothing sexual happened. Once the shock passes she will remember that you have been the perfect father and husband.

So yes you are beein too hard on yourself IMO, tho don't think you are off the hook for this.....you will be busy with rebuilding your wife's trust. Communication is key....if it is still too difficult, I suggest couples counseling. Don't worry you both will get through this....let me put it this way, this is not grounds for divorce.

[UnderTheMoon]

What happened was understandable. You were too young to take on the responsability of a wife and child, when others your age were dating and partying which teenagers should be doing. Since there was no sexual contact, it was forgivable...hey we all have our weak moments. The unforgivable thing is that you didn't have the balls to come clean that night....that is what is killing her. You didn't trust her enough to confess....you waited 16 years later....hard pill to swallow.

She will come to the reality that you were a just young teenager with a lot on your plate, and well teenagers are never the good at making wise choices. Anyways she is just in shock, but she will slowly snap out of it.....it happened so long ago, nothing sexual happened. Once the shock passes she will remember that you have been the perfect father and husband.

So yes you are beein too hard on yourself IMO, tho don't think you are off the hook for this.....you will be busy with rebuilding your wife's trust. Communication is key....if it is still too difficult, I suggest couples counseling. Don't worry you both will get through this....let me put it this way, this is not grounds for divorce.

I agree. It's easy to slip and it takes time to rebuild but it will happen as long as you try and remain honest with her.

[michelle23]

You were young, too much responsibility and you were strong enough to walk away before something happened so well done. Now you and your wife just need to communicate openly and honestly. You didn't cheat so she should be able to forgive you

[searock]

I agree with smackie, the reason your wife is so devastated is that she just realized you have been keeping this from her for 16 years. You should have told her as soon as it happened.

With time, she will get over it.

[HeartIsAching]

Ok, I'm not going to say you didn't do anything wrong - you did. However, you caught yourself before you did anything really wrong... and I think it's time you stopped beating yourself up over it.

You had a slight ****-up, and then corrected yourself before it went too far. Good for you.

As to your wife - I think you need to find out what exactly is upsetting her - is it truly because of an incident 16 years ago that did NOT result in your dick getting wet, or is it because you waited 16 years to tell her.

Either way, I recommend couple's counseling. Try to learn to communicate with each other more effectively.

[michelle23]

its probably a good thing that happened. You were neglecting her, not taking your responsibilities seriously, you were fighting a lot and she was hurting a lot. You realized that night if you don't stop your carry on-one of you will end up cheating and you will lose her as a relationship needs to be nurtured and you have committed to making her happy for the past 16 years and putting her first.

You grew up and became a man that night and it sounds as if she is your whole world ever since and the most important thing.

She shouldn't be so heartbroken. You were kids back then and you did the right thing by walking away in the end.

Sit down and talk to each other properly and suggest relationship counselling.

[Wakeup]

If my husband came to me and told me that 16 years ago (when we were teenagers) he NEARLY succumbed to the flirtations of a seductriss while away making a living to provide for us.. I'd be proud that he didn't actually do anything and I'd totally understand why it nearly happened. WTF? I seriously cannot understand the guilt you harboured for so many years, the need to unburden that mis-placed guilt or the reaction of your wife.

Goodnees to gracious its all: Water. Under. The. Bridge.

I agree with HIA, you have to ask her what is upsetting her. Is it the fact you kept it from her, the fact that it meant so much to you that you're still guility about it after all these years or because you had a near miss at infidelity, is it because she doesn't believe you and thinks you actually did have an affair of some dynamic? Whats her issue, man? Find out and then maybe you can work through it. I say maybe because I find her reaction blown out of proportion to the deed and the time that's elapsed ~ seems an over-reaction to me.

[SoUtterlySorry]

Thank you all. You've all provided some interesting perspectives and often I think that is what is necessarty when dealing with stressful situations.

**Update**

My gorgeous wife and I have spent the last 4/5 days talking, we've barely spent a moment apart I've even taken some time off work just so we can spend time and talk and discuss. She has truly forgiven me, which is the proof of why she is so amazing and I am learnign to forgive myself.

I know it seems strange to other people that I have such guilt, even to my wife a little bit, but it's the thought of me hurting her that has killed me. I was explaining it to her the other day, we have a 7 year old daughter...I said "Imagine if YOU hurt our daughter." and she said "Okay, I get it". plain and simple. The one person in my wife's life that should never have hurt her did and thats what I struggled with.

All that being said, I was a teenager, I was young and stupid and I made a pointless, worthless mistake, but I also DID stand up for "Us" and walk away without contemplation, without ever looking back with fondness. It's a happy ending in the movie, I know I did the right thing and I know that I AM one of the good guys.

Thanks again all.

[michelle23]

your welcome

I hope you and your wife will be very happy together and share many more years.

Best of luck

[Wakeup]

The funny thing, the paradox is she wan't even hurt untill you told her in order to relieve your own mis-placed guilt. You might want to think about that when you can't forgive yourself for anything else you did 20 years ago.

Anyway, good to hear you've worked it out.

[4 ratties]

You guys are fighting over you putting your arm around a chick 16 years ago? That is so unnecessary and weird. You're both being extremely dramatic. People have way worse issues

[Empty Road]

You guys are fighting over you putting your arm around a chick 16 years ago? That is so unnecessary and weird. You're both being extremely dramatic. People have way worse issues

LOL i know, right?!