Is this kind of flirting wrong in a relationship?

[sarahfort]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for opinions on the subject of flirting while in a relationship.

Personally if I'm serious about someone , I don't. I don't even really think about it - even if someone super hot walks by or chats with me, I am somehow always thinking of my boyfriend.

The issue I have been struggling with is that I have caught my SO a number of times. It has almost been a year since I last saw anything. So he did it shamelessly 5-6 times that I know of in a 2 1/2 year period, all being within the first year and a half.

1) When he first started dating im pretty sure he lied to me about somewhere he went with some buddies, as he added a random girl on fb, claiming he didnt know who she was, and then Proceeded to facebook msg her saying she was beautiful.

2) Inboxed his ex telling her how beautiful she looked in recent pictures

3) Messaged and had a full conversation with a girl 4 years younger than him about how if she was sexy and she even told him to quit flirting because he was in a relationship.

4) messaged a few old friends calling them `sexy` or beautiful

5) Last summer I read a message he wrote to someone he hasnt even met in person saying " hey sexy" and then they had a convo about how if he lived near her he'd marry her and how she was beautiful and SHE SAID "you have a girlfriend, behave".

I guess what I want to know is.... Is this acceptable? It REALLY bothers me, and most of the time I see these things without wanting to see them. Most of the time i wish i'd never saw it and read it. I didn't even bring up most of this with him because I wanted to give him a chance and see if he'd grow up a little and appreciate what he has with me. It has been since last august that he's flirted, that I know of anyways. We are both 23.

I am always worried about finding something out like this again - because I know my worth and I could not stay with him. Sometimes I get angry that I forgave the other stuff. I am an attractive girl and I woudlnt have a problem finding another guy . He treats me like a princess otherwise and loves me - so then what is the flirting all about? Does he not realize how hurtful it is???

Why do people in relationships feel the need to flirt and is it acceptable to you??

Opinions please!

[smackie9]

Well if it were my BF I wouldn't have wasted 2 1/2 years with him.

[stev123]

your question is incorrect, some people flirt and some people don't - it all depends on what the person sees the relationship as, and what it means to them. if i was serious about someone and had been with them for a considerable amount of time, i wouldnt want to put that to waste, but if youre with someone for fun and dont see anything beneficial or long term from it, i dont see why not.

[UnderTheMoon]

Flirting, hmm. I have been in trouble for flirting myself, but for me it is more body language than such obvious and straightforward commentary to the opposite sex. I have been yelled at, and given the "look" because I placed a hand on somebody's arm that I was talking to, or I did something like, remove a piece of paper off someone's sleeve or something like that. These are actual things I have had people mad at me for, or laughing too much at another guy. I don't really do it anymore which has been hard because at the time, I was just being myself, carefree, outgoing, and friendly to those who were kind back. The way he does it is so obvious, when I have wanted someone else, I said things like that, but the difference is, I was always single. He's a fantasy cheater, and yes I call men like that just that. He gets mentally wrapped up in the moment and I guarantee the things he says, were true at the moment he said them. I am with smackie on this, if this were my bf, he would have hit the door the first time I even thought for a second he would stray. If you are not with someone fully, mind, body, and soul, then you aren't with them at all and yes, cheating occurs at all levels. So think of it this way, you were cheated on, but not in the physical sense, I am sure with my hunch if you stick around, it will get to that point if it hasn't already. Sorry, but you need an honest opinion here. Hope this helps somehow.

[toknow]

It's not acceptable.

[lalalita]

I've been in your situation and I know how hard this can be. Difference being, I *always* confronted him about it. It never made much of a difference. He would get defensive, or out right lie and deny things, only to "apologize" and swear he'd never do it again...but a few weeks or months would pass and I would find him doing it again. It was everything from calling other girls "babe" or "sexy" all the way to descriptive "sexting" and eventually physically cheating on me. (We were engaged, that didn't even stop him)

What I have to ask you is what I had to ask myself - If these are the things you're finding out, what things are you not seeing?

You can't change these types of people. If he's dead bent on being "flirty", that's just the type of guy he is.

[sarahfort]

Thank you. Finding a person who respects and values love is incredibly hard, even once you think you've found someone loyal - you find stuff like that out. I'm going to tell him everything I know because I can't hold onto it anymore, I feel guilty for withholding my feelings. Maybe it will be a big enough wake up call for him - maybe he'll realize what he's got and what he's about to lose and seriously clean up his act OR he won't and I'll be better off in the long run.

[michelle23]

i dont give people like that second chances OP. there are plenty of loyal men in this world. stop putting up with all this bs and find yourself someone who has the same morals as you.

your just wasting time on a loserwho doesnt value you or your relationship. hes prob insecure which makes him crave attention off others and that wont change. find yourself a confident man

[Wakeup]

Thank you. Finding a person who respects and values love is incredibly hard, even once you think you've found someone loyal - you find stuff like that out. I'm going to tell him everything I know because I can't hold onto it anymore, I feel guilty for withholding my feelings. Maybe it will be a big enough wake up call for him - maybe he'll realize what he's got and what he's about to lose and seriously clean up his act OR he won't and I'll be better off in the long run.

Good for you. Communicate and if he doesn't respect what you're saying then you'll know you did everything you could to understand whether or not your relationship would last the test of time or not and you can make a good clean break if that turns out to be what you have to do. I say that with keeping in mind that he's not done this kind of behaviour for almost a year according to you so perhaps he's happy with you and only getting his validation as a man from you.

Leaving without you knowing for sure that is what you need to do is harder then leaving because you know, without doubt that you have to.

Good luck.. Let us know how it turns out, one way or the other.