Pre wedding doubts

[lizzyA90]

I feel I need some support or reassurance what I'm feeling is ok.
I've been with my fiancé for 4 and a half years. He is a wonderful man, and my best friend, but as our wedding in December draws closer I'm having niggling doubts in my mind. He is 7 years older than me and has just turned 30. Being only 23 I know lots of people will think this is too young to get married, I've never been career orientated and all I've ever had ambition for was to settle down and have a family, so all my dreams are coming true...so why do I feel so overwhelmed by it?!? By the time we get married we will have been together 5 years, I am under no illusions about the marriage, lately some of the spark has gone, we are so comfortable together we seem to just exist together. We both have busy jobs and its hard to find time to see each other but when we do he seems pre occupied by phone/tv etc, our sex life is ok but he seems to have stopped making such an effort to please me and when he is ready it's all over. This is when I find myself lying there at night wondering is this it? Will this be what our marriage is like for the rest of my life? He is a fantastic partner and very supportive, caring and everything I look for in a man. He doesn't find romance easy as his parents had a difficult relationship when he was a child, I on the other hand grew up watching my parents blissfully in love and celebrating their 30th anniversary next week. I think this has set my expectations too high, but I would like the occasional romantic gesture without having to nag him!
I know all of the above Is a bit of a rant, but I feel I can't turn to family or friends for advice without them assuming the worst, equally how can i talk to him about it without him being hurt. I love my fiancé with all my heart and want him to be my husband but need to understand if my worries are normal or should I do something.
Any advice appreciated.

[michelle23]

Your worries are normal yes. Everyone has doubts every now and again about their relationship. All of the problems you mentioned are quite easy to fix. You just need to communicate and try to make things better. This is life hun, you cant expect it to be all rosy, perfect and beautiful all the time. You both work long hours, tired, stressed, planning a wedding. Of course there isnt much time left over for romance but start doing date nights. You could take turns to surprise each other with something special to bring some of the romance back. If he is getting lazy in bed-then you just need to be more demanding and tell him you expect him to make an effort every time.

This IS what life will be like and it will only get harder when you have young children to raise and life becomes even more crazy and hectic but the important thing to remember is you are a team, you love each other and you both will have to make an effort to nurture your relationship and keep that love strong. You should discuss future issues with him and how you will resolve problems for the next 20 or 30 years. Make sure you are not just prepared for a wedding but for the ups and downs of marriage too and what to avoid so you can stay strong and stay together.

Do you and he live together now? Its a bad idea to marry a man you have not lived with for at least a year first so just bear that in mind

Best of luck to you xx

[Ann S]

I can't tell you how many women, who feel like you, do go ahead and marry the guy, and are so unhappy later that they did not trust their intuition. In your post you raise some very concerning obstacles. You met this guy when you were 18 years old and he was 25? Is my math right? You have so much life ahead of you. I hope you postpone your wedding until you are sure, without a doubt, that being his, "Mrs." is what you want. "Existing together," "he seems preoccupied," "he seems to have stopped making such an effort to please me,".......Are all reasons to put off such a huge commitment as marriage. What do you have to lose if you wait? You've already been together a long time. Good Luck, and trust yourself. Ann

[basilandthyme]

Lizzy, I strongly agree with Ann. I believe that 'pre wedding jitters' is actually our gut trying to tell us something. Your words are not that of a happy bride to be.

[michelle23]

maybe postpone the wedding. 23 is quite young to get married and he is your first and only boyfriend so maybe you need more time to be sure you are making the right choice.

[asimpletwistoff]

Hi Lizzy
I remember feeling just like you when my marriage was looming. I was young 18 when I met her, married at 20. I had concerns and misgivings prior to the marriage, I really wish I listened to my instincts and did not marry but I did. Stayed married for 20 years too, all of them unfulfilling for both of us. We divorced. We are still very friendly but each are very grateful we are not together too. You only have your basic instincts to go by, other peoples advice and assumptions and expectations only make us doubt ourselves, even though they mean well. Its a time when you need to summon all your internal strength and belief and go with what you feel there.
If its not special then its not special.

[the 1]

I agree with those who said you have gut feeling of how things will be when you are married, and you know that this is not how you would like it to be.

[pennylane1984]

Lizzy, If you are unhappy now what is going to change after the wedding?

[Millie]

It's normal to have a wobble when your wedding day approaches - even if you're sure you're marrying the right person and everything's as peachy as it could be, it's still a really big deal - I'd be more worried if you didn't feel overwhelmed to be honest. Having said that, your doubts do seem to be based in areas that I would say are fundamentally important in any relationship - the lack of any spark, just 'existing', failing communication (because the TV is more interesting), sex life you couldn't sound less enthusiastic about if you tried, no romance and so on - if you think any of those things will change for the better once you're married forget it lol and if you think having children together will improve the situation you really are dreaming. Marriage is hard enough and from what I can tell mostly fail even when the two people involved are crazy in love and all those 'fundamental' boxes you mentioned are ticked, if you marry this guy as things stand you're more or less setting yourself up for failure at best, and a very unhappy future together at worst.