How can I make him stop feeling like he's hurting me?

[emmmz]

How do I make a guy not feel guilty anymore and make him feel like he makes me happy?

I was dating a guy who I am still truly and deeply in love with and in the past I've been hurt a lot with him and cried a lot...but that's just the way I am. I over think and exaggerate things and most of the things that he did that hurt me weren't really that big of deal. I kind of demanded too much I guess and when I would hangout with him I would often make him seem like I wasn't happy to see him and that I was depressed and didn't want to have fun and etc... On Facebook I kept writing statuses about getting hurt and how i'm not being treated like I should be, and that he's not worthy and doesn't deserve me and etc...

He got fed up with the Facebook statuses and told me that it's really frustrating him how I keep writing negative statuses about him and I understand how he feels and I tried to stop doing that but then I made the big mistake of writing another really big and negative status about him and how he did this and that...

** I never actually used his name in the statuses.

He really got fed up with it and now months and months have passed and a lot has happened since then but it seems that ever since I wrote that big negative status it has really pushed him away and my mistakes is that not only did I continue writing them even after that one, I never said sorry about it.... This isn't exactly the reason why he wanted to move on from me, but I know that it's one of them. I realize that I made him feel really guilty and that he doesn't make me happy, but really he's the ONLY guy than can make me happy and I just want to turn everything around and make him feel like I messed up and that it's my fault. I don't want him to feel guilty anymore, I just want him to feel like that he can be happy around me. When I brought up about being in relationship again he always said "I don't want to hurt you anymore" ........How can I make him feel like he's not hurting me? What should I do and say to him?

Thank you for the help

[stev123]

We all make mistakes, and it's fine, we learn from them. You're probably young and there are plenty men out there. I had a situation like this where the girl wouldn't stop and I just gave up, he won't come back believe me. There's a lot of great men out there but they won't be interested In you unless you bring something to the table, focus on doing that and they will come running. Going back together would be a bad idea, you two aren't compatible and haven't even known each other for a while

[basilandthyme]

When I brought up about being in relationship again he always said "I don't want to hurt you anymore" ........How can I make him feel like he's not hurting me? What should I do and say to him?

What he says about how he doesn't want to hurt you anymore actually translates to "I'm sick and tired of you bitchin and whining and sharing all our shit on FB" Your behaviour was seriously f'd up and would be a dealbreaker for most guys. Even if you do apologise, he will be unlikely to have any interest of trying again with you.

The best thing you can do is learn from this and fix your behaviour so that you'll have better relationships in the future.

[emmmz]

Ya that makes sense but I want to tell him that I realized I made a mistake and I learnt from it...

[basilandthyme]

Sure, you can try. But whether or not he believes you or even cares to try again is another story altogether. If you burnt him badly enough, he won't try again.

[emmmz]

Ya I agree with you. I would rather try then to not try at all and regret it later on... And do you think it would be a good idea if I told him that i'm not asking for anything from him, I'm not asking for a relationship or anything, I just wish I could be able to spend time with him because I love him so much and it's not him that's hurting me, it's the distance...

I want to tell him I love him, but then that sounds like i'm demanding a relationship...but if I tell him I don't want a relationship, I just want to spend time with him, how you think he would react to that?

[basilandthyme]

Did you read my advice in your other post? Don't chase him. Don't tell him you love him and you must stop acting desperate.

Keep up like this and you'll drive him further away. You need to show that you've stopped being needy and demanding. And even if it doesn't work with him, the self improvement will leave you better off for future relationships.

[basilandthyme]

OK, I just read your reply to my other post. If being desperate doesn't work and having confidence doesn't work either, then he's just not interested.

Thing is though, if his behaviour made you unhappy enough to complain and bitch last time around - why would this time be any different? Are you prepared to accept him *AS HE IS* and without question or complaint?

Keep trying if you want, but at some stage you'll realise that you've put your life on hold for a guy who doesn't want you and missed out on other new opportunities. Flogging a dead horse is such a waste of time.

[emmmz]

I understand what your saying and you have good points but did you read my entire post? Read this part: we got really drunk and I was laying on him and holding him and saying things like "i'm gonna miss you, I don't want you to go to jail, I don't want you to leave, please stay, are you gonna miss me?" and he replied back saying things like "Yes I'll miss you" and when I said "you're gonna miss me, or just the s*x?" and he said "no i'll miss you emotionally, physically, mentally" and I was so drunk I don't remember what I saw after that but basically I said something that made him say "But we can't really have a relationship if i'm going to jail" -- Okay I know that what he said is not a good thing, but it made me feel hopeful in a way that maybe he might still have feelings because in the past when I brought up about being in a relationship again he would say straight out "no sorry" or "we tried it didn't work and I don't want to hurt you anymore" or "no you'll find the right guy" -- But once he said that it's like he wasn't saying no that he just didn't want, he was using a valid excuse why... If you know what I mean?

And after that the next day he was acting distant with me and didn't talk to me for a few days so I sent him a message on Facebook "what your problem is and why you're ignoring me and that you should start treating me like a real friend and I've done so much for you and payed a 500$ cellphone bill for you, you should respect me and if you don't want to be my friend you can pay me back to 500$ because I don't pay bills for random people who don't even wanna talk to me and if you ignore me i'll get your parents involved because I want my money back if you're really going to treat me like this, it's not fair." and he replied back saying that basically he wasn't ignoring me and at the end he wrote "and it's not that you puked on the floor that bothered me, it's that you kept making allusions that you loved me and then there you want me to treat you as a friend it's really confusing" and from what he said I know it sounds like he's saying he doesn't wanna be friends with me because he knows I have feelings and doesn't want to get involved but about 1 week after he wrote that I was at a bar, his friends were there and offered me a place to stay, I said yes and went back with them, when I got there he was there and saw me and i was sulking because i was upset about how he was ignoring me and he got mad and said "why are you asking like that, you're not even happy to be here, but i'm happy see you..what is your problem?" and we kind of started arguing but he told me he was happy to see me and he hugged me and said "i'm really sorry I know I wasn't okay with you" and it was a really long hug.

That's why i'm confused about what he thinks/feels about me?

[basilandthyme]

Ignore what a drunk person says. Drunk people talk shit.

As for the next day, he was probably trying to remember what he'd said and done the night before - and then you started up bitchin and moaning again because he wasn't giving you enough attention.

Honestly, if you want any chance with him, you need to stop expecting anything from him. Stop complaining if his behaviour isn't OK. Accept any bone he throws your way. Accept him being hot and cold and accept that you'll never see your $500 again.

Personally, I think you could do better than accepting this from a jailbird boyfriend. But if you're insisting on being his girlfriend, then accept him for who he is and what he does without complaint.

[emmmz]

I do accept him for who is, that's why i love him so much and want to be with him.... And what he said when he was drunk i don't know if he really meant it or not, but usually when your drunk you say what you really feel.

I know in the past it seemed that i complained a lot and was always thinking negative and like sulking but i learned my lesson and i just want him to see and show him that i'm not holding a grudge on him, i love him for who he is.

[HeartIsAching]

What he says about how he doesn't want to hurt you anymore actually translates to "I'm sick and tired of you bitchin and whining and sharing all our shit on FB" Your behaviour was seriously f'd up and would be a dealbreaker for most guys. Even if you do apologise, he will be unlikely to have any interest of trying again with you.

The best thing you can do is learn from this and fix your behaviour so that you'll have better relationships in the future.

Exactly right. Every word.

[Am I crazy?]

Just a guys perspective here. You piss and moan for months to all your friends about how badly you are being treated and when the guy decides enough is enough and gets fed up and withdraws from you NOW you suddenly see the light and want to make things right. Maybe the guy will stick around but I really get a strong feeling that you will only change long enough to get him back and then it will all start over. The problem is not how this guy is treating you, it sounds like you have either poor self esteem or unrealistic expectations on how you want to be treated. Not trying to be mean here, but unless you really have a lot to offer a guy (not talking sex) then I really don't see you finding any man to put up with the emotional abuse you are dishing out.

[emmmz]

I understand all this and i've learned from my mistakes, i've learned from everything. Those 3-4 months we went without talking or seeing each other i changed a lot and realized SO MUCH and now this is why at this point I wanna be with him so bad and show him how much i've learned and how much better it can be....

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah... too bad, but it's too late. Time to move on.