Rejected by my best friend. Advice?

[abbyend]

So here's the story. It's going to be long, but that's just because I think it'll be good for me to write the whole thing!

I have had the same best guy friend for four years now. We met in Spanish class our freshman year of high school. We've never had a thing or anything like that; we're just extremely close. We text everyday and talk on the phone for hours every night, and that's how it's been for years now. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him. In the four years we've been friends neither of us have been in a relationship with anybody else. I've had a crush on him for the majority of our friendship, but never had the courage to do anything about it. I was pretty sure that he had feelings for me too! We did things like hold hands, cuddle during movies and gave kisses on the forehead and cheeks. We would star gaze in the back of his truck and just cuddle and talk for hours, that was our thing. All of our friends always joked that we should date and he would always say something like "she wishes.." then we'd both just laugh it off.

Then last August I moved halfway across the country for my freshman year of college, and he stayed home for school. We actually got closer than ever! That's when I really started to realize how much I liked him and needed him in my life. I missed being able to see him everyday and I missed him holding me and making me laugh. I just missed everything about him! I went home for Christmas and I was convinced that he had feelings for me. He kept calling me beautiful and saying things like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. When I went back to school his texts (and mine) got more flirtatious. He would start conversations by saying "Hey Babe! " and other things along those lines. Our phone calls got longer and our conversations got even deeper!

I decided to take summer classes and not go home for the whole summer. I only went home for about a week last month. I spent practically every second with my best friend and we were both so happy together. All of our mutual friends told me that he'd never seemed happier and that he's like a whole new person when I'm around. When we said our goodbye's we both cried, I honestly thought about just staying home and dropping my summer classes because I was so happy with him. Then things got REALLY complicated...

About a week after I got back I got a call from him in the early evening, which was a little out of character for him. I answered and he asked if I was somewhere where I could talk. I told him yes and then I realized he was crying. He proceeded to tell me that his older brother (who is super close to him) was in an accident at work and he died. I was completely shocked and I just started balling. The last couple of weeks he's been calling me 2-3 times a day and just talking and crying with me. He's vulnerability and trust in me just made my feelings grow so much stronger. He keeps telling me things like "I'm so lucky to have you in my life" "I love you more than anyone in the world" "I miss you beyond belief" and the list goes on...

A couple days ago I literally started to feel sick, because I liked him so much. I was so convinced that he liked me back and he was holding his feelings in too... So I decided to tell him how I felt.
I called him and just said "I have feelings for you and I have for a while now." Then there was this long awkward silence and he finally said "I can't handle this right now. You're the best friend I've ever had and it should just stay that way. I don't have those feelings for you at all and I honestly never have." It was like somebody punched me in the gut and ripped my heart out. I couldn't even talk. I felt like he'd been leading me on for four years!! He told me he had to go and he hung up. We haven't talked in four days now, which is just bizarre to me.

Did I lose my best friend? Should I call him? Should I just cut him out of my life? My biggest fear is if I continue to talk to him my feelings aren't going to go away, and suppressing them is just going to make me miserable. I also feel like a horrible person because I complicated things when he needed me to be here for him. What do i do?

[TablesandChairs]

Honestly, you can't do much but give him time. Maybe send him a text saying that you're sorry you made him feel uncomfortable but that you just wanted to be honest and that you'll always be his friend. Something along those lines.

Have you considered he might be gay? I've never had a male friend who I was physically close to who didn't try to make a move.

[searock]

I hate people who categorize other people into "friends" OR "potential love interests"... it's just an extremely silly thing to do.

Anyway, it sounds like he has a LOT on his mind right now, and he literally can't handle (as he said) this situation right now. He needs time to grieve - the loss of a brother is an excruciatingly painful thing to go through, especially at such a young age. He literally doesn't have the emotional energy to deal with anything else. It was wrong of you to tell him about your feelings now that he's going through such a terrible period of his life. You should have just been there to support him, without burdening him with additional emotional strains. I mean - you should have told him as soon as you started having feelings for him, but most definitely NOT after his brother just died. Terrible timing on your part.

All you can do now is to either swallow your pain and stay by his side as just a friend (knowing that you will never be anything more) to help him through his grieving process, or you can go no contact. Sorry, but there is no other solution. If you choose to go no contact, text him with something like "I'm sorry I shocked and saddened you, I totally didn't want to put any kind of pressure on you. I just thought you deserved to know the truth after all these years we've been close. I'm here for you if you need to talk, but as for the rest I think it's best if we keep our distance for a while, at least until I get over my feelings for you. Sorry." As you said, your feelings for him will only grow even stronger if you continue interacting with him, and you'll only hurt yourself more. You need to move on from this guy.

Just to be clear - if your friendship is over, it's not because you told him about your feelings. It's because those feelings exist, i.e. because of something that is completely out of your control. The only thing you did wrong was not telling him sooner, and telling him after his brother just died.

Why the heck didn't you tell him about your feelings earlier? It would have saved you a lot of heartache. I just hope you learned your lesson for the next time you start having feelings for someone. Don't ever keep it a secret again, especially if you are both single.

They say only girls put guys in "the friendzone"... I know from experience that it is not true: guys do it too. This guy only wanted you around as an emotional support, he wanted you around as a substitute for all the cozy-intimate things a girlfriend brings - without the sexual parts. He most likely didn't know that he was hurting you. Now he's just way too overwhelmed by much more important things in his life to even be able to think clearly about this issue.

Leave him space to process his loss.

[michelle23]

He just lost his brother. The last thing on his mind right now is love. You need to be his friend and support him through this. Tell him you are sorry-you dont want this to ruin your friendship and you would like to be there for him to help him right now. Give it 6 months-if he hasnt returned your feelings by then-Id say tell him you cant be friends with him anymore coz you need to get over him.

I find it odd him saying he has never had feelings for you. I doubt that is true. Just give it some time and see what happens.

[searock]

After reading michelle's comment, I modified mine a bit. I completely agree that he is overwhelmed by what happened to his brother to be able to think clearly about anything else, especially something as relatively trivial as romantic issues.

[michelle23]

I honestly think it would be selfish of you if you told him you cannot be his friend anymore coz you cant put yourself through the pain of rejection. his pain right now of losing his brother is much greater than yours and he needs a friend. You were the first person he turned to for help when he got the horrific news. Dont abandon him now. You need to suck it up, put your own feelings aside and be a FRIEND to him. He needs you.

Perhaps further down the line he will want you as more than a friend, perhaps not. But you can go no contact from him in 6 months time if you need to once the worst part of his grief is over. When my aunt died-I was like a zombie for 6 months, its a blur and I know I needed support. I needed people just to force me to leave the house when I wasn't working or else I would have just sat there in my own world not knowing what was going on around me. You cant bail on someone at such a difficult time-it is cruel.

I lost a lot of friends when I lost my aunt. I decided I didnt want certain people in my life anymore as they felt too awkward and uncomfortable to even send me a text to see how I was and I thought f**k them they can go to hell.

[abbyend]

This guy only wanted you around as an emotional support, he wanted you around as a substitute for all the cozy-intimate things a girlfriend brings - without the sexual parts. He most likely didn't know that he was hurting you. Now he's just way too overwhelmed by much more important things in his life to even be able to think clearly about this issue.

This is exactly what was happening and I realize that now. Thanks for putting it into words for me.

I feel awful about my timing, and the more I think about it the dumber I feel about it. I'm not really sure what possessed me to tell him after all these years and during such a difficult period in his life. I guess we were both just being so vulnerable all the time and it made me feel more comfortable talking about feelings. That's a horrible excuse, I know, but it's the only logic I can bring to the situation.

I think for his sake and mine I'll send him a text like the one you said and let him know that I'm always here for him through his grieving, but other than that the non-stop communication needs to end.

Thanks for the advice!

[abbyend]

If I were to continue to help him through his loss as his friend, what do you suggest I say to him to get past all of the awkward and uncomfortable feelings we're feeling right now? I want him to feel comfortable talking to me again and right now I just don't think he does. Is there anything I can say that'll make it more like how it used to be? (Yes, I'm aware it will never truly be exactly how it used to be.)

[searock]

Yes, I think that is the best thing to do. Don't beat yourself up for telling him about your feelings - telling him at a very wrong time is better than never telling him at all, and I know what you mean about that feeling of emotional vulnerability. You didn't mean to hurt him, of course. Just keep in mind that it's always best to confess your feelings to someone as soon as you start developing them. It prevents a lot of heartache and disappointment. Do keep us updated.

[edit] I don't think there is a way for this uncomfortableness to stop. This is one of those irreversible things that just can't "get back to normal".

[abbyend]

Have you considered he might be gay? I've never had a male friend who I was physically close to who didn't try to make a move.

I promise he's not gay. He talks to girls and all of that, but he just hasn't met a girl that he'd want to be his girlfriend. I always thought it was because I was in the picture, but I guess I was wrong. I am sure he's not gay though.

[michelle23]

say "I am sorry I sprang that on you, I shouldn't have. Spending so much time with you lately and being vulnerable together made me impulsive. I want to be here for you as a friend and I don't want things to change between us. Please forgive me and forget what I said. I don't want things to be awkward or uncomfortable"

[searock]

he just hasn't met a girl that he'd want to be his girlfriend.

What were the reasons for which he didn't want any girl as a girlfriend?

[tomanychances]

Are you sure he isnt gay?

[Rowen]

I'm going to simply ignore your long story and cut to the chase... Save yourself the emotional roller-coaster which will get you NOWHERE! RUN! FAR AWAY! Move on! You know what you'll get if you don't? Nothing! Nothing but a screwed up friendship. So if you really care about him, respect his wishes and let it go. Take it from me- I've been through it before. It's not pretty. In the end, my friend and I don't speak anymore.

[abbyend]

What were the reasons for which he didn't want any girl as a girlfriend?

We grew up in a town of less than a thousand people. So a lot of people turned to drugs/alcohol/sleeping around for ways to entertain themselves. He isn't against having a good time or anything, but most of the girls in our town weren't really "relationship material". Basically, we just didn't have a lot of people to choose from.