Lazy boyfriend....

[bassdeath]

hey everyone im new to this forum! what's about to follow might be a long post... so i really appreciate it if people read it and help me out, and hopefully wont be judgmental.

my boyfriend and i have been together for over a year. and we have been sharing an apt for maybe 8 months now. we met at work, his familys resto, which closed 3 months ago. for the most part we get along well and are communicative. we're silly with each other and i can be myself. hes 22 im 20.

since his fams restaurant closed down he's been gaming a lot. he doesnt like the idea of getting a job, and having to dedicate his hours to someone... he likes having free time. currently his sources of income are collecting employment insurance and cutting grass/landscaping 2 times a week (which is still too much for him). so for the past 2-3 months, since his fams resto closed down, ive become irritated and turned off by his sense of entitlement and laziness. like when i have to bring up cleaning even in the nicest way he'll get annoyed like im sucking the fun out of him, or act as if he doesnt have enough time for it, when in reality he has 5/7 days free. he spends most of his time gaming and he never really gamed much before the restaurant closed down. i think he doesnt have a strong sense of responsibility, and as much as i hope he;ll grow out of gaming and laziness, it feels tiring to have to "kindly" talk to him like a child, as if im his mom. thats another reason why ive been turned off lately. like we still have great sex and all but im so bored and tired of watching him at his computer whenever we're both home. he encourages that i play with him and when i dont feel like it he gets a little bummed and says i dont wanna spend time with him, when in reality i do, but i just dont want to play ****ing world of warcraft.

his long term goal is to become an investor, and build wealth. we've attended seminars, and have seminars coming up, but at home he's procrastinating hard on it (studying) and i feel like he is all talk with nothing to show for when it comes to this. might i mention that he smokes a lot of pot and i have no doubt that it keeps him unmotivated and lazy. but i cant bring up his pot addiction, an addiction he acknowledges, without him getting annoyed. i guess i cant help him with that if he genuinely wants to smoke.

lately i just feel distant. like to the point where im just more focused on myself. and it scares me to think about what might happen in months to come. he doesnt feel like there is anything wrong with this situation, but for me, it's all been a big turn off esp since we dont do anything else together. i like doing errands and he usually does them with me, but for him it feels like a drag. of course hed rather be gaming at home. i love him still, we have been through a lot together, but i wonder if his attitude will ever change. i have talked to him about his attitude before in a communicative way, seeing how unhappy he gets for every little thing he doesnt want to do, and he acknowledges it but doesnt know what to do. i dont know what to do either. i think if he got a steady job even if its part time, he'll have a little more structure and game all the time. before when we worked together, instead of gaming at home we'd watch tv shows or movies together. or go out if we had $. now he's always "tired" whenever i ask him to go out with me. ugh.

what can i do, if i want this relationship to work? aside from his laziness he is really a loving and caring boyfriend. he hasnt done wrong by me. im just getting irritated and saddened by these character flaws that have flared up in the past couple months. is there any chance that he could be depressed, or has he just been spoiled from having lived with his mom before we moved out in regards to the laziness, and self entitlement?

[michelle23]

if you are looking for permission to leave him-you have got mine.

hes a pot head-i dont understand how addicts even get gfs but thats another story. his gaming is yet another addiction.

this is who he is. hes not gonna change and its not gonna get any better-likely just worse. if you want to pay all the rent, all the bills, grocery shopping, always cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and working your ass off while he does nothing-then stay wjth him.

its no life. imagine if you had a baby to think of as well and he wouldnt get off his lazy ass to even help you make a bottle.

f**k that hun. why are you still there?

[rafterman]

[QUOTE=bassdeath;915120]his long term goal is to become an investor, and build wealth. we've attended seminars, and have seminars coming up, but at home he's procrastinating hard on it (studying) and i feel like he is all talk with nothing to show for when it comes to this. might i mention that he smokes a lot of pot and i have no doubt that it keeps him unmotivated and lazy. but i cant bring up his pot addiction, an addiction he acknowledges, without him getting annoyed. i guess i cant help him with that if he genuinely wants to smokeQUOTE]

Gee he must be on some good gear whatever he's smokin.... There's big red red flags just in this paragraph alone.
He needs to man up and make some wise decisions, or he's on a fast track to loserville.

[Am I crazy?]

Do you want to get this guys attention? Tell him that you love him and want to keep dating him but that you want to slow things down a bit and move out. It will either motivate him to get a job to keep the apartment or he will end up moving in with his parents. This will show you what the guy is made of.

Just as a side note. how many investment firms do you think hire people without drug testing? Its pretty common practice when you are handling others money. Your man has no possible chance of having a career in investing until he is off the dope.

[namemyname]

He's a total loser, hon. Sits at home all day getting stoned and gaming? I don't know what you can find attractive about someone like this.

If a guy at 22 has zero goals, zero drive, and zero ambition, it's not going to get any better.

I have a friend who also aspires to be a real estate "investor". This is code for the reality that he hasn't worked in over 10 years, and sponges off his parents, friends, and his retirement account.

[4 ratties]

World of Warcraft and pot... Run now!

[surfhb2]

Jeez! Just discuss these things with him first and see if he gets work and improve before you take these replies to heart just yet. It's only been 2 months....tell him to start the job search and give him time before you break things up

Honestly you guys are both kids in the grand scheme of life so if you want drive and unbridled ambition don't look for it in many 22 year old men

[VincenzoG91]

You're in love with his potential, but you don't like the actual guy. He's essentially a child in the body of an adult. Instead of working for a living, he is hoping for a get-rich real estate scheme that will shower him with undeserved wealth. It's possible that he is just going through a period of depression, but probably not. I'm assuming that he enjoys all the gaming and pot-smoking, and those are things that he will always want to do. And from what I've seen with my own friends, pot can really sap the will to do much of anything in life.

You didn't say anything about your own current job situation. Did you find a new job yet? If you're working full-time and this guy isn't lifting a finger to help with cooking, cleaning, etc, that's really bad behavior on hispart. But if you're not working either, then it seems like you're in no position to criticize him.

Since you otherwise appreciate him, it's worth talking to him and trying to find a solution. Let him know that you are thinking about leaving him. Tell him your concerns, and try to get a plan of action from him, complete with measurable milestones. If he won't even come up with a plan, or if he fails to follow through, you should seriously consider leaving him.

[bassdeath]

You're in love with his potential, but you don't like the actual guy. He's essentially a child in the body of an adult. Instead of working for a living, he is hoping for a get-rich real estate scheme that will shower him with undeserved wealth. It's possible that he is just going through a period of depression, but probably not. I'm assuming that he enjoys all the gaming and pot-smoking, and those are things that he will always want to do. And from what I've seen with my own friends, pot can really sap the will to do much of anything in life.

You didn't say anything about your own current job situation. Did you find a new job yet? If you're working full-time and this guy isn't lifting a finger to help with cooking, cleaning, etc, that's really bad behavior on hispart. But if you're not working either, then it seems like you're in no position to criticize him.

Since you otherwise appreciate him, it's worth talking to him and trying to find a solution. Let him know that you are thinking about leaving him. Tell him your concerns, and try to get a plan of action from him, complete with measurable milestones. If he won't even come up with a plan, or if he fails to follow through, you should seriously consider leaving him.

since we both left the restaurant, i've gone through 2 diff jobs that didnt work out (i quit my last one two days ago). but i cant stand being unemployed so when i am, i constantly refresh craigslist. i have gone through 7 interviews in the past two days and was hired for one of them... still have a couple interviews ahead. im always applying for the off chance that things dont work out. but i pay my equal share for rent, and my own bills.

yeah you're right about the last part... considering to leave him if he cant follow through with plans. since i met him he's talked a lot about real estate investing and despite my skepticism of the seminars i still go with him. we have a couple more coming this summer and i guess ill have to see how things go after we complete these classes.... see if he will really put the knowledge to work.

thanks

[bassdeath]

i talked to my bf just now about how i'm a little concerned for him being unmotivated/lazy/tired. he got sad and acknowledged those traits in him, yet he said he doesnt want me to see him that way. and i told him that im not judging but im worried mostly for his sake. with weed he feels like he can't not smoke it and deep down he knows he's unmotivated. so where do i, or where does he go from here? *i think* he wants to change but believes he cant

[Boisdevie]

*i think* he wants to change but believes he cant

I bet deep down you think you can 'help' him to change to become the person that you want him to be instead of the person he is. Won't work in a squillion years sweetie. Dump him and find a grown up to date, not some adolescent with some bonkers scheme for getting rich quick. Oh, and to invest you need to have what we call 'money' to invest. If he has no money what's he going to invest - his used joints?

[TablesandChairs]

World of Warcraft and other similar games are addictiv; they drain so much time and turn people into unproductive slobs who 'live' online and merely 'exist' in the real world.

You want him to be motivated and show initiative yet he's an addicted pot head? Keep dreaming. As for his dreams of being an investor...that's delusional thinking, pot smokers tend to have a lot of dreams but the get-up-and-go to do nothing.

He's on the track to loserville and you'll be right there with him if you don't demand changes.

Or just leave.

[Eldar]

Because he smokes pot is irrelevant. I know quite a few people who smoke pot that make 6 figure paychecks every 3 months. It's not the fact he is lazy, it would seem he doesn't believe in himself, so he hides away on games. Encourage him a bit and work with him on it, I gurantee you it will help.

[bassdeath]

Because he smokes pot is irrelevant. I know quite a few people who smoke pot that make 6 figure paychecks every 3 months. It's not the fact he is lazy, it would seem he doesn't believe in himself, so he hides away on games. Encourage him a bit and work with him on it, I gurantee you it will help.

any suggestions on how i can start to encourage him?

you're right that pot smoking can be irrelevant but for him, he is literally addicted, and he knows and says it himself. he doesn't want to quit completely but has said that he wishes he could cut down significantly. i dont know if thats possible. and when i tell him to seek professional help, which i would gladly accompany him to, he rejects the idea. he knows that when he smokes it just makes him want to "chill". and not study or do much else.

[Am I crazy?]

This may sound harsh, but the reality is you need to just give him a choice between you or his current lifestyle and let him know In no uncertain terms that he cant have both. But.... you need to be strong enough to follow through with it and if you are not then you might as well just accept that you have a pot head boyfriend who wants nothing out of life but to get stoned and play games. If this is the lifestyle you want to continue living then just do nothing. BTW, its a lot easier for us to see the writing on the wall than it is for you right now but it seems pretty clear this dude is not going to change because he has no reason to. He has money, pot and a woman screwing him. Its all good to him. The only way he will change is when he loses one of the three or all.