Taking a break

[blacknova84]

Hi. I'm 28 and in college. This last weekend after talking for 6 months then dating for almost 1 year (September 1st is our anniversary). My girlfriend told me she needed a break because of trust issues. Since this is anonymous enough, I'm comfortable just plain telling it how it is. In the fall, despite being safe in everyway, my gf got pregnant. We decided to have an abortion because of multiple reasons, her health (she would die in childbirth), her parent's would disown her, and cut her off. That and more importantly were not financially capable of having a child yet. I mean were still in college. So we promised not to tell anyone but those who needed to know. After almost a month I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't want me to talk to the psychologist here, my friends, or family. I understand how personal this is, but she's not the only one that paid emotionally, or financially ya know ? Nor is she the only one that lost something special. So. I talked to a few VERY close friends (I claim them as siblings, literally). I know I shouldn't have but I needed to talk to someone. That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Afterwards. I couldn't keep it from her and told her. I've always wanted to be honest with her and never lie. This understandably devastated her. We made it through it though. Then around February, she offered to lend me some money to replace my laptop and bookbag, both which at this point were falling apart, and my laptop quit working. This brought the total I owed up to $800 which is a lot of money. I paid off all but $220 of it when I got my income tax and ended up buying her late christmas presents and my self somethings with the remaining money. I didn't think this was an issue since she didn't say anything.

I borrowed $30 off her then to ship something I sold on Amazon. She told me she was having trust issues at this point, and why. Which I understand, he ex never paid her back money he borrowed, and eventually cheated on her. So I got a cash advance on my next paycheck and sent her half of the $100 (I'm doing workstudy). She didn't believe that I was sending this, so I sent her a picture of the envelope and money order. She has a lot going on right now. Her dad we found out is dying, the college she was accepted to transfer to screwed her over. Not to mention we are once again a long distance relationship. I don't understand what happened. Last monday, everything was find. Then we were talking on facebook and I said if I gave College X all of my money, that I would have $265 left in my pocket. I honestly didn't mean literally in my pocket but that's how she took it. This is what led to me getting the money order. I have had plans all along to pay her off. We have had good communication all along. At least I thought we did. We had talked several times about the money, and me not keeping my promise to be quiet.

I know I should have talked to her first before I told anyone. If I had to talk to someone it should have been someone we both felt mutually comfortable with. I also should have been more responsible with my money when I had the chance to pay her back. Now were on a break, and she said maybe we can work things out and start dating but for right now she needs time and space, but we will talk soon. I don't know what to do. I love her. I really do, and I have been giving her space. I've also contacted the schools psychologist and I'm planning on starting to go to sessions with her. I'm going to have the money soon thanks to selling some of my stuff to pay her back in full in about a week. What can I do to show her that I can be trusted again ? I'm trying to start small by paying her the money and sticking to that. I also wrote a letter to go with it, reiterating what I told her when she said she needed a break. That I'm here for her, and I'm willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make this work. I told her this the day we started dating and I honest to god mean that. I know I have a hard road ahead of me if I am to gain her trust again. That's understandable. I told people something VERY personal. Then I didn't fallow through with paying her back.

Any ideas ? I mean this literally came out of nowhere, but then again with lack of proper communication, anything can come out of nowhere. I really don't know where to go from here. But I honest to god love this girl with all of my heart, and I am more than willing to try anything to prove to her that while we are going to have rough times, every couple does, I'm worth sticking through the better and for worse times.

[LifeInflux]

For the money issue, it may interest you to know that most relationship fail due to financial problems. Borrowing and paying back money to a significant other is not an ideal way about it, and while I understand theres a comfort in accepting this from your partner, it is NEVER a good idea to borrow money in any capacity, and an even worse idea to borrow from friends and family.


As for the trust problem when you spoke to someone about the abortion, its a grey area for a number of reasons. You should have spoken to her first about needing to speak with someone about it, and explained that it wasn't fair for you to suffer with this on your own when you felt you needed some support.


I've been in a similar situation, so I know how delicate it can be. Communication is key.


Right now, just get your head together. Don't think that she's coming back right now, or plan to be with her in the near future. Plan your life as if she weren't around. Take care of the money issues, pay her back, and don't borrow money from her or any close friends or family members again if you can help it. Prove to her that you're worth her time by improving yourself for you, not for her and you'll be good.

[smackie9]

Listen dude, she's young and the young girls only see things from their end and nobody elses. She was the one to offer you the money, so some of the responsibility falls on her. I have learned that when you offer to lend money, don't expect it back. Yes it is a lot of money and what the hell does she expect...you are a student for f uck sakes, and it's a no brainer you will have some trouble betting most of the money back. Basically she should know better than to offer this large amount of money. If she is having a hard time with it then she shouldn't have offered in the first place. So far you have been making an effort to get the money back to her, but she has to realize you have to eat and have expenses to live. I am not buying the "My ex owed me money and later cheated on me." Who the f uck says that but some drama queen. So what now? if you don't pay her back, it's possible you are going to cheat on her? That's just crazy talk. She is just using that excuse to pressure you to get the money back faster. Now she throws this "I want a break because of trust issues." Well I am not buying all of it. She has something else going on, and it isn't about you. You poor thing having this thrown at you. If she knew anything about relationships she would know that it's also a partnership, and you support each other unconditionally.

I agree more communication is needed. Send her an email about how you are getting the money, and that it will be next week she will be paid in full. As for the abortion, Lifeinflux is right, you definitly need to explain to her that yes you understand that her making the decision to have an abortion was difficult, but it also affected you emotionally as well. Like I said, she is very short sighted, and only sees things from her perspective. I hope by explaining your feelings about it that it will hopefully open up her eyes and see that not everyone is so selfish.

[blacknova84]

Thanks guys. I threw the ex part in there just to see if anyone thinks that baggage though it's not fair, could be in play. I know it sucks to do, but in this case knowing her, the only thing I can think of right is admit I was wrong to her. Regardless of if i think I was because I agree she only sees things from her perspective. Regardless of all of my friends telling me I have been an awesome bf, and person through all of this, she still sees what I did as wrong. So. I'm going to send out the money order either later this week or early next week, depends on how soon the money clears. I'm also writing a letter to include with it to let her know, I'm here for her, and that I'm going to give her the space and time she needs because I both love and respect her but, she needs to know she's not the only one in pain right now. I was also thinking about putting in with both a small gift. Preferably something cheap or made, but very sentimental to drive home that I am sorry. I figured the combo would show I am capable of keeping my word, and that I am sorry. It's one of many baby steps needed to be taken. What sucks is not only do I have this going on but, I started taking seizures again, and I'm stuck now at this college which I can barely afford, and my mom may have cancer. So, she needs to realize we both have a lot on our plate right now but as you said it's a partnership. Your supposed to be able to lean on the other person when you need to. I was going to transfer to a cheaper college by her, but I don't think that's a good idea until I know she is dedicated and serious to this relationship. That's a hell of a commitment to make to someone who right now I don't know if they serious about being in my life let alone by my side.

[michelle23]

I feel it is very wrong that she expected you to keep the abortion to yourself. I think you needed to confide in someone and you did nothing wrong. Her saying she cannot trust you because of that is wrong

As for the financial issues-I think that is OTT too. Your trying your best to pay her back.

Look I don't think the problem is you here at all. Many women find it so hard to cope with a miscarriage or abortion. My cousin had a miscarriage before xmas and split up with her bf two months later. She said it was too hard as it reminded her of what happened every time she looked in his eyes. He was heartbroken too over the baby and they both were not coping.

Plus she has other stuff going on now too-he dad is ill.

Maybe if you just give her some time and space you may get back together when she is thinking more clearly

[VerticalMoon]

Have you talked to her on the phone since she said she wanted to break-up or has all of your communication been through Facebook and letters? I think talking on the phone is better. It's more personal, and you can hear the other person's tone so misunderstandings are less likely. Meeting in person is better than the phone, but that might not be practical if your relationship is long-distance.

Even if you have talked on the phone about this once before, another phone call might not be a bad idea. She said you would talk soon, which makes me thinks she wants to continue the discussion. Have a serious talk with her. Tell her the things you've said here, and the things you've included in the letter. Apologize to her, but explain your side as well. Continue listening to her. Find out if there are other issues.

Once you have another discussion, you'll have a better idea of where things stand. You may be able to work things out just through the talk. If not, you'll have a better understanding of what's meant by the break. Otherwise, I think you're taking the right steps. Talking to a psychologist about your issues, and holding off on plans to move to her area for now sound like wise steps.

[smackie9]

No sending a gift looks like you are trying to buy your way back in....it looks shady. Just send a card.

[smackie9]

IMO you shouldn't have to bend over backwards for her. Yes you do have a lot on your plate and you should place priority on school and your mom, not her.

[michelle23]

if she has pushed you away-the best thing to do for now is give her space. if you keep pushing to talk or get back together-you will just push her further away. let it be unless she contacts you. i know its not easy but thats all you can do. if she wants you-she knows where you are.

[blacknova84]

We haven't talked at all since the break. She told me she needed time and space and i'm going to give it to her. She can see when I'm online on facebook, even though I can't see her so she knows when I'm here to talk. As for the gift, the more I initially thought the same thing, that it might sound like I was trying to buy her back. Right now, I'm more concerned with paying her back (just waiting on the money now) and I've been looking over the messages that were sent in the conversation where she told me she needed a break now that I'm level headed to see rationally what was said. She said multiple times that maybe we can work things out but for now she needs time to think and space, but she would talk to me soon. The whole conversation you can tell she didn't really want to take the break, she just didn't know what else to do. She was apparently signed into my google account too (she has access, I gave it to her a while back) because on Youtube, i went to watch something in my history two songs were listed, 1 was about being brave and needing to say what needs said, and 2. was about not imagining the day you would be losing someone and the one that got away. I really don't think she wanted this anymore than I did, and I think this is completely salvageable at this point. I just need to give her the time and space she needs, think about what I need to change in our relationship and what I feel she needs to change. It's going to be a long hard road, that I know but, I feel pretty confident that things are going to work out. Still any advice I can continue to get not only helps but is greatly appreciated.