Need serious relationship advice. To walk away or stay. :'(

[LoveHack]

I've gone to a lot of forums but noone seems to have gone through what I go through.
Please take the time to read, this is going to be very long but I have to write everything for a better understanding of how things have gone. I have been really miserable

I've been with my girlfriend for close to 10 months now. The first 3 months were the best I could ever ask for. We were so in love, displaying our love for each other everywhere we went nothing was wrong. I had a bad experience in one of my relationships where I was cheated on by my ex and that really scarred me. As a result of this I asked my now girlfriend to limit the males she talked to and she did the same to me. I cut most of my ties with the female friends I had in my life and "so" did she. I admit this was a bit too much but it happened. We would check each others phone whenever we met just due to insecurities. I noticed she was still talking to a couple of guys and when I asked she said they were just her friends. I did not argue and waved it off. Things continued but she always used to argue, fight and get upset with me if she thought I was talking to any girls and I was blinded by love that I forgot she was talking to guys as well. I always apologised even if I did or didn't talk to girls. I had a very high ranking job at the place I worked and most things went through me eg. salaries, payments, staff requests. I had a lot of meetings with Directors and senior staff but my girlfriend would get upset if I didn't postpone or leave those meetings for her. Blinded by love I listened and actually postponed various meetings and went to my girlfriend. This created turmoil at work and things went bad.
I feel a partner is someone you tell everything that happens in your life. Mind you I didn't mind not talking to girls coz I felt I had "my Baby" who I could talk to about anything anywhere anytime. One day she snapped at me saying she's tired of listening to things that happen in my life and at work and I should stop saying my stories to her so I listened and stopped. I now had noone to tell about my problems. Conversations became limited because i didn't want to say something that would upset her so truely speaking our conversations became more of her and how i missed an loved her. A lot of my female friends would text me but I would not reply. Untill I felt there was too much stuff bottled in me so I turned to an ex who I have an extremely close friendship with.
I had lied to my girlfriend about my ex (it was wrong yes) saying she's just a friend and I had done nothing with her. I started talking to my ex but not a lot just here and there.
I have a very respectable family which is strict on behaviour and all that whilst my girlfriend's family is more free to do as they please. She will openly talk about getting drunk and going clubbing in front of her parents and it will be okay whilst for me such things are regarded as total disrespect and unacceptable. Whilst at work she started talking about getting drunk and all in front of my cousins and I told her she shouldn't have done that and I explained why but she totally flipped on me in the middle of town where people were walking and was starting to be a scene with people stopping and watching so I stopped, turned and walked away. I am not one for public outburst and fights. We later settled this and went back to normal. She would threaten to breakup with me for the slightest thing and I was always on my toes and tried my best to keep her happy.
She threatened to breakup with me once when I said I couldn't see her coz I had too many meetings. What resulted was abandonment of a meeting with one of the directors of the firm. Whenever I got money I spent most of it on her, she did the same for some time but then cut down and sited that her mother wasn't giving her money but I understood and didn't stop my spending on her. I had never spent so much money on a girl before but it didn't bother me, I was in love with the girl I was to marry. We moved to different country. Flew in all happy and smiles on finally living together. We moved into my apartment together and this is when everything seemed to change.
I am a very sex orientated guy. I enjoy it and I very much love it. We had been having sex whenever we could during the past months and we both seemed to enjoy it and I became hooked even more to her. When we started staying together the sex stopped and I confronted her about it because it was bothering me and she said she had something that was bothering her and I comforted her during her downtime and never asked for sex again during that time. A month went by and I then asked again and she then just made me "do" her whilst she just lay there. This was in no way intimate or even enjoyable. This was one of the only two times we would have "sex" in that month. Frustrated I would then want to hang with my friends and talk to them but then this became another problem because she would say I was leaving her to be with my friends but in all honestly all I wanted to do was to be with my friends just for 6 hours on a Friday night and probably see them maybe when I was going home for not more than an hour. But this became such a problem she even moved out for a bit and I had to beg for her to come back. She claimed to me communication is key and that I should tell her wherever I am all the time. So the first couple of times I'd pass by my friends place for about 45 mins then go home and she would ask where I was and I would tell her but this caused fights coz I failed to communicate where I was at the time. I did end up telling her in advance where I would be but still the fights continued. Going to see my friends became such a problem even though I spent most of time with her and she argued that being in the same room as her didn't mean we were spending time together. Says the person who told me not to tell her stuff about my life. We would spend hours on end in my apartment doing nothing and not even talking and when I would decide to go see my friend who lived upstairs it would start a huge fight. Resentment began to kick in, I was no longer enjoying my life anymore. We could not converse without her getting angry, so sometimes I opted for silence and also the lack of sex was getting to me. One day she got angry over me going to see my friend and went through my phone. She found I was talking to a girl who she then researched and found out was my ex and she totally flipped. I apologised heavily and took her out the whole day to an expensive restaurant to make up for my act. I kept apologising ever since for that.

We had agreed not to hug and text the opposite sex but she hugged and talked to certain guys in my face but I never complained. The day came when one of my female friends was so happy to see me that she jumped to hug me infront of my girlfriend. She flipped!!! I had honestly tried to avoid the hug but to no avail. This then became a matter of anger towards me for the next 3 months, I then argued why she did the same to me but to this day hasn't properly explained. I once went to return a book to a friend and started chatting with that friend for close to an hour and when I returned my girlfriend flipped again!!! Saying I had been cheating and why I took so long, I explained but nothing was heard. I then became labelled as a liar because I either did not communicate were I was or either took too long coming back from where I had gone. I just apologised for all these things.

Now frustrated by the lack of sex I asked once more and she said to me that sex was boring and that she had been faking in the past. This hit me a lot and she said she was sorry whilst laughing but I still forgave her. We promised each other we would work on it to make it enjoyable for her but she was always unresponsive to my sexual advances, even the ones she suggested and we ended up falling into another dry sexual spell. I was now angry towards her and decided to go to other girls when she was away to fix up my ego and hurt. I started having sex with other girls for a period of 3 weeks and my ego was restored (selfish yes, but I was just accumulating emotion and frustration and didn't know how else to solve it). I felt no guilt because I had grown greatly unhappy with my girlfriend and how she was always so angry and aggressive towards me but still loved and wanted to be with her very much. We then had a huge fight where I said to her "the faking wasn't necessary you just should have told me coz my exes never complained" she flipped completely for me bringing up my ex and started hitting me. I did not hit back but i held her and told her it was over and we couldn't continue but she begged for me to stay and stay I did. Things remained sour with me feeling trapped with the person I can't talk to but now there was a bit of me seeing my friends so it was better. We still hardly had any meaningful conversations and just either sat in silence on the internet or just watched a string of TV shows which wasn't really fun for me . I then got a job with a group of attorneys but I left it because my girlfriend said I should be with her. I became stressed with my relationship and confronted my girlfriend but to no avail, I was always the liar. She ended up saying that she just doesn't fancy sex and it was never about me (this could have been a lie, I don't know) but I still took the faking to heart and never believed any orgasms she did thereafter. It was all just faking to me now.

I am someone who really really loves music a lot lot (I have 20000 songs in iTunes). I use music as an outlet but my girlfriend doesn't like it as much as me and I've had to let go a bit and only listen through my earphones or whenever she's not there. She complains that my music is boring and loud so I never play on my speakers when she's there. Music is always better for me on speakers than anywhere else and this is something I let go for her.

We ended up dropping the whole hugging and not talking to other males and females thing because "she" came to her senses and decided it was childish although I had already said to drop it up numerous times. She then asked me one day who I was talking to on my phone and hesitated and didn't mention a girls name who was my friend and she snatched my phone saw the message and flipped. I apologised for not mentioning the name when she had asked me because I was afraid she would get mad if I said the name. My girlfriend has a tendency to write nasty things about me on twitter but I wasn't bothered even after I told her to stop. I wrote one thing and she flipped so I stopped. I then liked a comment on facebook by someone else which in no way did I compare to my relationship and she saw the like and flipped on me. I tried to explain to her that I had just liked it but she wouldn't listen and proceeded to ignore. I then asked her why she did what she did on twitter but she started arguing even more and I said lets drop this. As soon as I said lets drop this she charged at me and started pushing my head against the wall. I shoved her away and told her lets not fight and she started slapping me. Straight after 2 claps I lost it and punched her. I've never felt so bad in my life. I stopped and immediately started apologising but she kept hitting me and pressing the fight. I just took some blows up to the point where she took a knife then I held her and it all stopped. Never have I felt so guilty in my life. I have never hit a girl before. The bottled emotion just let out and I lost it.

Things were more calm after that less fighting and all. We tried to get along. She kept complaining that I don't spend time with her so I promised to stay with her the week I would be free and when that week came, on the first day I went to go drink with my friends till 11pm. She totally flipped on me although she had suggested I go with my friends but I apologised as I felt I had indeed broken my promise. She defended herself by saying her suggestions were merely a test of whether I would keep my promise. I continued to apologise.
She went back at home visiting her family and always sends me messages saying she made a mistake with me, she doesn't know if this is working and other negative things to me but at the same time is reluctant to end it. I just apologise for my 'ill' and promise to work things through. She will argue with me for the slightest things like why didn't you say I love you tonight or why haven't you called me "baby" yet. And this would spawn into days of hostility.
What you must understand is I am a very peaceful guy. I really really hate fighting but with her even a simple question of who I'm talking to turns into an argument over the phone. She is always saying you're cheating or lying even when I'm telling the truth and this gets to me coz I'm not doing neither and false accusations really get to me. I have been kinda happy she's not around but this I fear, could be a false sense of happiness when in actual fact I really miss my girl.


I feel I'm at the end of the rope but its still so difficult to let go. I am really tired of the fights and her never being wrong and admitting to anything. I really love my girlfriend and want to be with her for a long time but I'm starting to think there is more happiness in not being with her and that I should just walk away. I'm ready to buy an engagement ring but I'm not sure if marrying her will be my best option to happiness. Do I deserve all the anger? Is it really all my fault and should I go ahead and buy the ring and be with her forever?

Please take the time to read and help me. I am totally confused.


I am really sorry its so long but I had to say everything.

NB: The fights involve cussing and her threatening to leave me most of the time or that I'm young and immature, don't think and should prioritise her over my friends and all that.

[namemyname]

In the dictionary under "toxic relationships", is a picture of you and this girl.

NEITHER of you should be in a relationship with anyone. Ever. Again.

[UnderTheMoon]

You need, to 1. break up with her, you both need your freedom and neither of you were ready for a serious relationship. 2. Go get counseling and get your life back on track. You have thrown away the things that made you happy and you did some pretty ****ed up things from what I read in this post. 3. On top of getting the counseling, when you do decide to date again, you need to be honest about the second thing, and explain why. I would not want to be with a man in which I found out later, not only did he cheat, but hit his girlfriend regardless of why. If he was honest, got help, and his life was together and he was obviously happy, I may be hesitant, but I would consider it. In part of this therapy I suggested, you need some serious anger management. No, your not a brute who will just blow up at the drop of a dime, but you know something, I was in a bad relationship, we FOUGHT like crazy and had some problems similar to this, the worse thing he ever did, was get in my face and yell at me. NEVER, did he ONCE hit me. Saying that though, the problems I related too, are why we are not together.

So seriously, the most important thing here is to split and get some therapy, you have some issues that surfaced and then committed the same acts that had been done to you. I would be worried about myself if I behaved that way.

I would also say that your physical abuse, is because of your own guilt. Even if you are wronged, trying to get even or make yourself feel better in such a shallow way will get you no where. You should seriously feel ashamed.. :/.

[juraiknight]

Ok, so I read your entire story...it was a long one...but I noticed that you had a few reoccurring things in it. 1.) The girlfriend always wants to know where you are at. 2.) You're always apologizing to her. 3.) Back and fourth arguing about talking and contact to the opposite sex (which leads into looking at each others phones etc). Here's the deal, she obviously has problems with trust and ( what sounds like to me) control issues which seems like they've been deep rooted by something or multiple instances in her past. You should NEVER alter your life completely for someone, but instead share both of your separate lives together. This whole endangering work and turning down jobs bullshit is a huge no no.

There are HUGE trust issues between both of you; you with the whole cheating fiasco, and her with something most likely similar. Neither of you have control of your damaged emotions and so you keep lashing out at each other in hopes that the other person will see or understand how you feel, but it doesn't work that way. You just keep spiraling back into the same mess over and over again, and you keep thinking that one day it will be better, but it won't my friend. Honestly she sounds absolutely nuts, especially with the outrageous control issues, the abandonment issues, and outbursts, all the while begging you to come back after the break up. She's bad news for you, and you for her and it's best you walk away from it or you'll continue within this self destructive habit that you've so warmly called home.

Honestly I don't think a relationship is good for you at all in this point of your life, because it seems your nerves are still shot from your past relationships. Bringing baggage like that into another relationship just plants seeds to things that ended the past relationships. It comes back subtly, but as you've experienced, it comes back in full force. My advice to you is to drop her and spend time on your own to get your own shit figured out and set. If not, you'll keep attracting damaged people similar to you and you'll never be happy. No more of this "looking through phones" shit, or dwindling down the amount of contact the other person has with the opposite sex. This is a relationship, not prison with restraints on human contact. That just makes the other person feel trapped and/or controlled.

The last thing you should address is the physical abuse towards the girl. Now, I'm not saying you should beat yourself up over it every single waking day of your life and see yourself as some sort of bashing monster that will pounce on the next defenseless girl you see, because it sounds to me that you're not that type of guy. Honestly, I'm sure many of us would have reacted in a similar fashion given the circumstances. And the knife part....yeah..not good..But you must realize what happened and reconcile with it. Don't let that incident stay with you, because it will rear it's ugly head again at some point and will cause you grief. Hope this helps.

[michelle23]

I didnt read it all. I read half of it but that is enough to know this relationship is toxic and poison. You need to end it.

First of all I think you shouldnt have such close female friends whether you are single or in a relationship. Its fine to be friendly, polite etc but I think if your texting these girls or hanging out one on one with them or confiding in them about your problems or leaning on them for emotional support-that is not a friendship-its more like dating. Now I know you cut most of this out for her but I think you should cut it out for good as it can lead to all sorts of problems (even affairs)

As for your relationship-she sounds controlling, possessive, jealous, spiteful, emotionally and verbally abusive as well as using sex as a weapon. You have only been together for 10 months-so much has happened in that time-so many fights, arguments, insecurities-its actually crazy. Its not a healthy relationship and this is not how love should be..

I think you should break up with her and then take some time out to be on your own. Work on your trust issues, on being more confident and figuring out what you want in a woman. Cut the female friends out of your life as much as possible-keep them as acquaintances and when you are ready to meet another girl-make sure its one who only has male acquaintances-not male best friends.

Ill add that any girl who asks you to postpone important meetings for her and put your job at risk is NOT worth it. That is your career, you need that. If you get married, have kids etc-how are you gonna provide. Keep work and love separate and make sure you do not risk your career for any woman. I think a work life balance is important though. If you are doing more than 40-50 hours a week-you should aim to cut that back so you do have time for both.

Ill also just add that cheating is never the answer. You should have walked away from this horrible mess of a relationship ages ago. Instead you resorted to cheating to try and escape from it all and that makes you the bad guy. Plus you should have walked away when she started being violent-instead you punched her in the face which also makes you the bad guy..

Look I doubt you would stoop that low if you were in a healthy relationship. I dont think your a bad guy-I think you are just caught up in something so destructive that it has also made you become quite destructive. You have to find the strength to walk away. Do it now and dont look back. Get some counselling-anyone who would stay in this toxic environment for longer than five mins needs help

[UndercoverLover]

this michelle thinks she knows it all

[TablesandChairs]

You cheated on her over a period of 3 weeks, you fight to the point of punching/knives, you don't trust each other, you don't get along, you have 0.1% compatibility in most matters, not just sexual...and now you want to buy an engagement ring? I'm sorry but that's so insane, it makes me question the validity of what you have written. Unless you're on drugs, you need to get your act together. Your relationship is not working. Either you both make big, big efforts at improving it or you end it.