Infactuation Stupidity or something else?

[Marc1t]

This is an awkward one, & im prepared for a slating. Just lately there have been a few social events organised by work mates usually a pub crawl, I work in a mainly men environment, but in the last year or 2 quite a few women have joined the company, & a small group have started coming out with us for a drink. one of them I have known at work for about 6 months & we have always got on well & to be honest I have started to really like her she is absolutely gorgeous in my eyes, at the last social I noticed her looking at me from the onset & I repaid the compliment & before long we were chatting away & gazing into each others eyes no physical contact at all. Although Id had a few drinks I wasn't really drunk just a bit merry I new she was staying in town & I had to come back the following day so offered to buy her lunch which she agreed & in a moment of madness & I wasn't going say it, but she guessed I had something to say so I told her what I was thinking & said quite simply "I find you very attractive" she didn't say anything but instead gave me a sensual embrace & in my ear said iv got a room with that I just melted. at that point I resisted temptation & left. Now for the bombshell I am 50 (though iv been a lifelong athlete & look much younger) married with 2 kids she is 20 she knows all about me & Iv been completely honest with her at least. Now I know what your all thinking. we didn't meet for lunch the following day a miss understanding in the arrangement meant we missed each other but we were both there. we have seen each other at work since & exchanged a few texts that's all. There are problems in the relationship with my wife & if she found out there would be an explosion. Am I completely bonkers in pursuing this?

[TablesandChairs]

Yes, you are (completely bonkers). She's only 20 so you're not going to get a relationship out of this; you're going to potentially get laid once or twice. Is that worth the explosion, the guilt? It's not, and if you were to pursue it, you'd soon find that out. Also, she's 20 - despite how 'sensual' she might act, she's nothing more than a kid compared to you and you.

[michelle23]

I hate people like you. Your having problems in your marriage and you are too weak and pathetic to try and fix them. Instead you allow yourself to indulge in an affair and use all sorts of BS excuses to try and justify it. No matter how big your problems are-it does not justify cheating.

Remember those vows you made to your wife? Now is your time to prove you meant every word. Get your head out of your ass. Go home to your wife, tell her what is wrong with your marriage and ask her to work with you to do whatever it takes to fix them. Go for marriage counselling, learn how to deal with relationship issues in a constructive manner and stop taking her for granted. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It only takes one to destroy it though.

Either fix the problems or leave. An affair is not the answer. Grow a pair of balls and do what is right.

An affair is a delusion, a fantasy and an escape from reality. Instead face your reality and sort it out.

[Philip123]

Completely Bonkers - Book a weekend away with your wife, very soon, take the time to reconnect without any hullaballoo.

Pursuing this will only damage your life.

[Marc1t]

"I hate people like you. Your having problems in your marriage and you are too weak and pathetic to try and fix them. Instead you allow yourself to indulge in an affair and use all sorts of BS excuses to try and justify it. No matter how big your problems are-it does not justify cheating.

Remember those vows you made to your wife? Now is your time to prove you meant every word. Get your head out of your ass. Go home to your wife, tell her what is wrong with your marriage and ask her to work with you to do whatever it takes to fix them. Go for marriage counselling, learn how to deal with relationship issues in a constructive manner and stop taking her for granted. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It only takes one to destroy it though.

Either fix the problems or leave. An affair is not the answer. Grow a pair of balls and do what is right.

An affair is a delusion, a fantasy and an escape from reality. Instead face your reality and sort it out."




Hold your Horses! I havn't as you put it indulged in anything yet, or am I trying to justify anything. I mearly stated what happened . Yes we have flirted with each other, some might consider that cheating, you obviously do. I havn't kissed her touched her, or led her on any more than that, though I have the opportunity. I posted on here for advice because my head is in a bit of turmoil at the moment. You have insinuated without knowing the facts or what is wrong with the relationship between my wife & I that the problems we have are all my fault. They aren't . I completely agree with the first poster who has given a far more positive & constructive answer which I have taken on board. I respect you comments, but without knowing the facts you can't apply them to me.

[michelle23]

Hold your Horses! I havn't as you put it indulged in anything yet, or am I trying to justify anything. I mearly stated what happened . Yes we have flirted with each other, some might consider that cheating, you obviously do. I havn't kissed her touched her, or led her on any more than that, though I have the opportunity. I posted on here for advice because my head is in a bit of turmoil at the moment. You have insinuated without knowing the facts or what is wrong with the relationship between my wife & I that the problems we have are all my fault. They aren't . I completely agree with the first poster who has given a far more positive & constructive answer which I have taken on board. I respect you comments, but without knowing the facts you can't apply them to me.

I did not say you have indulged in an affair but if you meet this woman for lunch-you are allowing the affair to start. Flirting, texting etc IS how affairs start.. you allow yourself to become deluded and to believe a future is possible. You need to stop this now before you get to the point that your head is in the clouds and you start making ridiculous impulsive decisions.

I did not say the problems in your marriage are your fault. When did I say that? An affair wont fix any of your problems, it will just make them 100x and it is not the answer. I said you should learn to communicate with your wife and work together as a team to fix whatever is wrong. Get marriage counselling and if that doesnt work-leave.

Having an affair, ending a long term marriage on such bad hurtful terms is wrong. If you want to leave your wife do it as nicely as possible. Have enough respect for this woman you have shared your life with and have reared two children with to end the marriage on good terms. If you want to break her heart and turn both your kids against you-go ahead cheat on their mother.

[horndog]

best advice is to just back off. there is no future with this young woman and she is not worth ruining your marriage over. You might get laid a couple times but the age difference is way to big for anything to work. My guess is this woman is more interested in the size of your wallet more than anything else and is looking for a sugar daddy in an older man. Just take things back to a professional relationship before things get out of control and maybe not sit with her on future pub nights.

[michelle23]

Here are some links you may find helpful

1. http://voices.yahoo.com/a-happy-marriage-10-steps-ensure-one-2324796.html?cat=41

2. http://www.examiner.com/article/rekindling-the-fire-falling-love-again

3. http://ie.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_500/526_why-your-affair-will-never-lead-to-true-love.html

4. http://www.authorsden.com/categories/article_top.asp?catid=35&id=11761

5. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201107/the-affair-warning-sign-you-should-never-ignore

6. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-weiss/men-cheating_b_1916104.html

7. http://blog.chron.com/loveandrelationships/2012/08/the-other-woman-is-not-who-or-what-you-think/

[Marc1t]

I did not say you have indulged in an affair but if you meet this woman for lunch-you are allowing the affair to start. Flirting, texting etc IS how affairs start.. you allow yourself to become deluded and to believe a future is possible. You need to stop this now before you get to the point that your head is in the clouds and you start making ridiculous impulsive decisions.

I did not say the problems in your marriage are your fault. When did I say that? An affair wont fix any of your problems, it will just make them 100x and it is not the answer. I said you should learn to communicate with your wife and work together as a team to fix whatever is wrong. Get marriage counselling and if that doesnt work-leave.

Having an affair, ending a long term marriage on such bad hurtful terms is wrong. If you want to leave your wife do it as nicely as possible. Have enough respect for this woman you have shared your life with and have reared two children with to end the marriage on good terms. If you want to break her heart and turn both your kids against you-go ahead cheat on their mother.

OK. Now Im listening to you, & your making more sense without attacking me, You did not say the problems were my fault, you insinuated it. I can see your point about allowing an affair to start by meeting her, texting her etc, much better put, But honestly at the time of asking the offer of lunch was a genuine one. I never expected anything else to come of it, but thing escalated a bit (& only a bit from there), I went there partly because I am a man of my word & I didn't want to stand her up. but also I suppose because I wanted some one to one time with her I suppose that's the indulgement . It would have made it a fun day after the euphoria of the night before & I would have enjoyed her company. Was I thinking that things could go further well probably too. Would they have done? Who knows? but I have listend carefully to all the advice supplied here, & you are right, she is young, but intelligent & stunning looking so its gonna be tough but ill back off.

[Wakeup]

Something missing in a 20 year old that would offer her vagina to a married man that could very well be her father, Marc. You might want to just take a step back and think about the muck you've just attempted to perpetuate by meeting her for lunch but what fate kept from happening. Imagine the rumour mill at work should you keep up this foolishness.

You don't say what your marital problems are but no matter what they are, they don't warrant you getting with someone who has no boundaries or ethics while you're still legally tied to your wife. Your poor judgement (IMO) if you want to get with her after you're divorced or legally separated and moved out of the marital home.

Maybe you could start another thread about whats going on in your marriage, and leave out the filler about some fluff who's been stroking your ego. Foolishness. If you do that maybe we can offer some constructive advice on how you and your spouse can get things back on track.

[michelle23]

OK. Now Im listening to you, & your making more sense without attacking me, You did not say the problems were my fault, you insinuated it. I can see your point about allowing an affair to start by meeting her, texting her etc, much better put, But honestly at the time of asking the offer of lunch was a genuine one. I never expected anything else to come of it, but thing escalated a bit (& only a bit from there), I went there partly because I am a man of my word & I didn't want to stand her up. but also I suppose because I wanted some one to one time with her I suppose that's the indulgement . It would have made it a fun day after the euphoria of the night before & I would have enjoyed her company. Was I thinking that things could go further well probably too. Would they have done? Who knows? but I have listend carefully to all the advice supplied here, & you are right, she is young, but intelligent & stunning looking so its gonna be tough but ill back off.

The attack was meant as a way to snap you back to reality. It works with some people-others not so much.. You need to do more than just "back off". You need to avoid this woman like the plague and you need to stop ignoring the issues in your marriage. I did not mean to insinuate that the problems are your fault but if you want to ruin any chance of fixing those problems-an affair is the way to go..

Every marriage hits a rough patch at times, sex can dry up, intimacy and romance wanes, you get too comfortable, stuck in a rut, boring routine, same s**t day in day out, you only talk about the kids or what your having for dinner, communication is non-existent, you forget how much you love each other, how happy you were, find it very hard to rekindle the spark and bring back some fire and passion. God only knows how many couples go through this. How many fix it and turn it around? How many have an affair and destroy each other? How many learn to be happy again?

The point I am trying to make is, no matter how bad it gets, there are professional, skilled people out there to help you and your wife if you need it, there are numerous books, sex toys, sex games, romantic holidays, all sorts of hobbies you could join together, all sorts of fun you could have.. You both just have to be willing to admit that something is wrong and we need to work together to fix it.

The reason couples get stuck in a mess like this is coz they both allowed it to happen. At some point they stopped kissing each other goodbye and hello, taking each other out on dates, saying I love you, making sex a priority, making an effort to sit down and talk every day, cuddle etc. It didnt happen by accident.

99% of people who engage in affairs regret it big time. Its like breaking a vase and then trying to put all the broken shattered pieces back together. You will break your marriage.

Everything you have done so far is your subconscious way of leading you to an affair. You can delude yourself into believing its all innocent and your not doing anything wrong and go into denial all you want. However, your little one on one chats with her, flirting, asking her out on a date knowing full well that it would cause an "explosion" with your wife IS betrayal whether you are willing to admit it or not. I think there is something wrong with a 50 year old man wanting someone young enough to be his daughter. Yes its normal to think these young women are attractive-however, its wrong to be a perv and plan to sleep with her.. She is a baby compared to you. You should know better.

Forget the idea. Post another thread for tips on how to save your marriage. Tell us what the problems are, how long you have been having them, has it been an overall good marriage, when did it start to go wrong and why and explain how you are vulnerable now and feeling tempted by others and you want solutions now before you end up throwing it all away.

[HeartIsAching]

The attack was meant as a way to snap you back to reality. It works with some people-others not so much..

Yeah... not really. Remember the old saying? "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." It's true. Nobody listens to an attack, they get defensive and start justifying themselves.

Other than that, your post was right.

[michelle23]

Ill just add even if you never cross the forbidden line and kiss this woman or have sexual contact with her but continue to flirt, text, email and hang out one on one it IS still cheating. Its called emotional cheating. Look it up

[michelle23]

Yeah... not really. Remember the old saying? "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." It's true. Nobody listens to an attack, they get defensive and start justifying themselves.

Other than that, your post was right.

It really pisses me off when I see people lining up a plan B as they lack the strength and courage to face life alone when they want to end a relationship or when I see people thinking they can escape their problems by finding a distraction from them. Maybe my first post was over the top. I am glad this man has asked for help before this goes too far and he ruins his whole life as well as his wifes and kids. I just hope he listens.