Don't Take It Personally

[Ginger2013]

Why do people use this phrase when what they have said/done is directed at me personally? Is it an excuse to justify the behaviour, or do guys really think that their actions are never personal?

I'm sure girls say it too, but I'm asking in context because I've heard it too many times lately from my bf after either being yelled at, glared at or simply dismissed when I ask a question.

Just an example, bf lost his tape measurer. This is so stupid I'm embarassed to type it. He left it outside when he was measuring a window. He went into a 40 second rant "Ginger, where the f did you f-ing put my g-damn m-f-ing tape measurer? You ALWAYS move my g-damn f-ing tools." By the way, I never touch his tools, I have my own, and I don't condone swearing at all in anger, he knows all this.

I tried to stay calm and told him he left it outside, then he argued me down to nothing trying to convince me I was the one who moved his tape measurer. A few hours later, I came to him to discuss it, to tell him I didn't like his tone or the way he lashed out at me and I get the phrase "don't take it personally, you always take everything personally". How can I not? It feels like a dismissal, like I shouldn't have felt hurt by that.

Any insight guys? I appreciate it.

[Starnique]

Wtf does he mean dont take it personal? Wasn't he talking to you when he was going off? How else was you supposed to take it? I would've been like, I don't appreciate you taking that shit out on me and not apologizing.

[basilandthyme]

This isn't a 'guy' thing and it's not normal behaviour. This is nothing short of verbal abuse. I'm 40 odd and have NEVER been spoken to in this manner - by a man or woman. If a guy did speak to me like this, he would not get to see me ever again.

Ginger, my question to you is "why do you accept this behaviour?" Did you see your father treating your mother like this?

[basilandthyme]

After reviewing your previous post, I have to say that you're lucky you still have your old apartment. He's not only abusing you but he's boring company and doesn't give a toss about you. If he's this lazy and abusive after only 8 months (when he's still in that phase of early relationship best behaviour), things are going to get a whole lot worse.

I realise that you are new at relationships, so I just want to say that what you're experiencing is not what good relationships are made of.

I suspect that he was alone when you met him because no other girl would have him.

[Ginger2013]

After reviewing your previous post, I have to say that you're lucky you still have your old apartment. He's not only abusing you but he's boring company and doesn't give a toss about you. If he's this lazy and abusive after only 8 months (when he's still in that phase of early relationship best behaviour), things are going to get a whole lot worse.

I realise that you are new at relationships, so I just want to say that what you're experiencing is not what good relationships are made of.

I suspect that he was alone when you met him because no other girl would have him.

Thanks so much for the replies. I do know it's probably not a guy thing, but in my own context I'm a girl, he's a guy saying not to take it personally, so you understand my assumption. Yeah...I nearly packed up and went back home tonight. It's too early for this kind of crap. I told him tonight he's immature, and that he has to take the phrase "don't take it personally" out of his vocabulary, and that if he ever told me to shut up again (yeah, he did that tonight), I would shut up forever, as in, never speak to him again. He seemed to take me seriously and apologized...but gosh, I feel as though I'm giving him too many chances and I'm being a doormat. Thanks for reading my previous post, yeah, I'm new to relationships at my age...I mean, I've dated before, but this is the first real bf so it's hard to know what to expect, but I guess it's the same with any relationship.

It hurts because I just give a lot, naturally I'm a giving person in all aspects of my life, so I'm not going to change who I am, but I feel like I give him too much, like too much of my heart, too much forgiveness maybe. Holding back to me seems fake, so if I feel like it's time to hold back to "make" him appreciate me more, is it the end? I guess I'm afraid to face that answer (knowing fully what it is).

[basilandthyme]

yes, telling you to shut up is unacceptable too. As for being too forgiving, have you told him previously that the way he speaks to you is unacceptable? What other things are you forgiving over?

Holding back to make him appreciate you is just game playing and has no place in a relationship. If he doesn't appreciate you, then call it off. Ginger, a fledgling relationship such as this shouldn't be worked on. When you're seeing red flags this early, the only wise thing to do is cut and run.

[Starnique]

Yeah. It seems like from the way he was speaking to you, you're his doormat. Cursing and carrying on that way is like verbal abuse to some. Let him know it bothers you and you don't deserve it and you're not going to continue to put up with it because you're not the one to go for that. How do you respond to him when he goes in on you like that? That can make a difference as well. In other words, speak up. You don't have to take that.

[Ginger2013]

yes, telling you to shut up is unacceptable too. As for being too forgiving, have you told him previously that the way he speaks to you is unacceptable? What other things are you forgiving over?

Holding back to make him appreciate you is just game playing and has no place in a relationship. If he doesn't appreciate you, then call it off. Ginger, a fledgling relationship such as this shouldn't be worked on. When you're seeing red flags this early, the only wise thing to do is cut and run.

Yeah, I agree, but you know how it is in love...you just want it to work out right? Too forgiving, I suppose I'm referring to what I mentioned in my other post about us having the same fight for the last few months...him retiring to his bed/laptop and leaving me hanging for the evening...every evening...every weekend. Okay, I do exaggerate, we went food shopping together last Saturday...mercy, some together time...forgive the sarcasm....but then we fight about it, talk about it...things are good for a while, then the same crap starts over again...same fight, I forgive, things are peachy...then repeat above.

Trust me, there is NO game playing here, nor do I ever want that in my life. What you see is what you get in my case. I hate that manipulative behaviour...I saw it my whole life and vowed to never mimic it, so far I've been successful. You'd think a bf (or gf) would appreciate that kind of honesty but he doesn't seem to.

[Ginger2013]

Yeah. It seems like from the way he was speaking to you, you're his doormat. Cursing and carrying on that way is like verbal abuse to some. Let him know it bothers you and you don't deserve it and you're not going to continue to put up with it because you're not the one to go for that. How do you respond to him when he goes in on you like that? That can make a difference as well. In other words, speak up. You don't have to take that.

I do speak up right away, but I get the eye roll and the "you're too sensitive, you take things too personally" bs. So I walk away, do my thing, then bring it up after an hour or so. Usually he's open to hearing my words, but sometimes he gets immature about it and we end up fighting. Tonight I got apathetic though, and didn't approach him after he told me to shut up. He ended up coming to me to apologize...but you know, I told him I wasn't looking for him to chase me, that I was on the verge on not caring one way or the other...I think that made him think, but who really knows? It's a recurring thing...and I'm close to being fed up enough to end it.

[toknow]

The guy is a tool....lol..pun very much intended.

But seriously, how can he blame you for taking it personally when he directed it directly towards you. It's so ridiculous, it's funny.
He obviously has no respect for himself, but he also doesn't respect you.

[basilandthyme]

Yeah, I agree, but you know how it is in love...you just want it to work out right?

Sorry Ginger, I can't relate. If a man treats me badly, I get instantly turned off. All love flies out the window. I guess it goes back to having very strong boundaries.

Too forgiving, I suppose I'm referring to what I mentioned in my other post about us having the same fight for the last few months...him retiring to his bed/laptop and leaving me hanging for the evening...every evening...every weekend. Okay, I do exaggerate, we went food shopping together last Saturday...mercy, some together time...forgive the sarcasm....but then we fight about it, talk about it...things are good for a while, then the same crap starts over again...same fight, I forgive, things are peachy...then repeat above

Yes, you are too forgiving. Why do you keep believing that he will change? When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

Trust me, there is NO game playing here, nor do I ever want that in my life. What you see is what you get in my case. I hate that manipulative behaviour...I saw it my whole life and vowed to never mimic it, so far I've been successful. You'd think a bf (or gf) would appreciate that kind of honesty but he doesn't seem to.

Ginger, the idea pulling away to make him appreciate you IS game playing. I hope that because it falls under the category of playing games, you decide to walk away instead of trying it.

Let me ask you this: does he speak to his workmates like he speaks to you? Or his mother or his mates? If not, then it just proves that his behaviour towards you is a choice. He can show respect when he wants.....but he simply doesn't care to.

You do know that there are plenty of men out there who won't ignore you to play on the computer each night don't you?

[michelle23]

Nobody has ever spoken to me like that either. If they did-they would get a slap in the mouth and they wouldnt see me again. Ginger dump this guy. That is a horrible way to treat someone you are supposed to love

[Maple1714]

Ginger - He is abusive. You need to leave him ASAP. Seriously, I know you think you "love" him, but you really don't. He also does not love or respect you. What you should take personally in this situation is your inability to leave someone who is verbally abusive. Don't take anything he says to heart....his mean words aren't personal...they are his words. He is pushing his emotional baggage onto you. His actions/words are his own, and that applies to you as well. You are personally choosing to stay in a relationship with a psycho. You know it's not right so woman up and leave.

[basilandthyme]

Ginger in the same situation, my hubby would have said "Basil, have you seen my tape measure?" or of he got really desperate he may say "Basil, I can't find the tape measure anywhere - could you help me look for it?"

This is how NORMAL people communicate.

[michelle23]

Ya or babe did you put my tape measure somewhere.

My bf takes me tweezers, leaves it somewhere and forgets where he put it. It was a little irritating and id say can you please put it back in my bag when your done? I bought another one lol encase it happened again.

If he blows up at you like this over nothing-i dread ti think what he would be like if you actually did something wrong