My girlfriend kissed another guy...

[fraser]

You do need to talk about it. Tell her you love her and you don't want to break up over this but you are struggling to understand why she didn't pull away or say no. Ask her to help you understand and then tell her straight how hurt you are and you cant be in a relationship unless there is 100% trust and one chance is all she is getting. You can forgive a once off 5 second kiss but if anything happens ever again-you and she are over. Say thank you to her for being honest with you-tell her that means a lot that she didn't try to cover it up or lie and that shows that she does have integrity and you should respect her for that much at least.

And ask her to promise you that no matter what happens, you and she will always be honest with each other.

Thank you, that helps me!

Its important not to get bitter and twisted over this in the long run. No matter what happens-this does not give you a free pass to kiss someone else. Two wrongs dont make it right so even if you and she have a big fight in 6 months time and you go out and get drunk and some hot chick tries to kiss you-your not allowed to think "well she kissed someone so I can too". If your gonna go and do something like that in 6 months or 6 years etc then you may as well just break up now

I totally agree!! I have no desire to kiss someone else, like I say I don't want to paly childish games - im simply happier in a committed relationship.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I know you're probably trolling but just for arguments sake lets assumexactly are serious.

That points to your own insecurity and paranoia more than anything.

Explain this difference between this and what I said please. Aside from paraphrasing this almost exactly I've done nothing but quote you directly.

[Anonymously_]

Explain this difference between this and what I said please. Aside from paraphrasing this almost exactly I've done nothing but quote you directly.

I've already said I was being sarcastic and you said you didn't believe me, which is absolutely fine.

You're not reading what I actually said again, I never said you were making assumptions based on insecurity and paranoia. I said to make an assumption like that, in my opinion is insecure and paranoid.

That answers it.

[VincenzoG91]

Blah...why argue about this? You both will never agree.

A lot of people cheat! A lot! I am always surprised sometimes at the ones that end up cheating. There really is nothing wrong at all in wanting to kiss someone else or F*** them...the lying is what's wrong. The way our world is set up (in most christian based/western cultures) monogamy rules...that is what's ingrained in our brains from birth. This is what we are conditioned to do. And it's a damn hard commitment to uphold! So, people feel their only way to experience a connection with someone else outside their main union is to cheat. When people confess any lie, they almost always try and downplay what they lied about...that's just human nature.

This poster has a hard situation at hand. He loves this girl...probably his first love. She being just 21 is naturally curious about who else is out there and curious about what it would be like to be with someone else physically. I doubt she f-ed the other dude, but it's true a kiss, an emotional affair, sex...it's all the same. This incident was a sign of uncertainty on the girls part. She should be forgiven, but she needs to be more honest about why she felt the urge to kiss the other dude. It's hardest to be honest with ourselves. What she did isn't a big deal in my opinion...it was natural. The big deal here is that the OP now knows she is uncertain and curious, and he has to decided to walk away or not. These 2 young people have just been presented with their first real lesson in romantic relationships!

Many good points here. I agree, what she said that she did isn't a big deal. Her apology seemed extreme for the circumstances, which could either mean that she is feeling an extreme amount of guilt about this and/or that she is downplaying what she really did. Nobody in this thread has enough information to know what really happened, including the OP.

[toknow]

There really is nothing wrong at all in wanting to kiss someone else or F*** them.

What a ridiculous statement.

You have a very loose definition of wrong.

[Anonymously_]

There's some seeeeeerious insecurity in this thread lol. If I cheated on someone I absolutely adored, I would be all over the place and me sucking-up to my (ex)-partner might seem a little extreme, it's not proof of anything; emotions are running high, no more, no less. The OP is in a FAR better position than anyone in this thread that feels the need to point out that she 'probably' did more (and actually think they're helping) to judge whether she did infact do more, or not. OP is probably dealing with enough without a few insecure strangers putting the thought that she 'probably' did more in his head purely because they would think more happened if this happened to them.

What a ridiculous statement.

You have a very loose definition of wrong.

Well said lol. For some reason I can't thank you.

[toknow]

OP is probably dealing with enough without a few insecure strangers putting the thought that she 'probably' did more in his head purely because they would think more happened if this happened to them.

Completely agree with this. Putting more doubt into his head is not going to help him - he has to be in a clear state of mind before he makes any decisions. He is feeling tortured already, there is no need to throw salt at him.

[Stickleback]

Life's not fair, and I really didn't accuse her of anything. I said it's probable, and I advised to act as though she did do more. Why shouldn't he be able to factor in the possibility that she's done more than she says into his decision? I thought he got good advice from the previous posters so I added in something I thought he should also consider. I didn't a decision for him at all.

You need to learn the difference between possible and probable.

It's possible she did more than she admitted to.
Your sample size is to small to suggest its probable, which implies that it is more likely than not. You cannot make that judgement.

Well you can, but you'd be wrong.

[fraser]

She admitted to a kiss. Truth is, she probably ****ed him. Whatever decision you make, you should make it as if she admitted to having sex with him.

People do this all the time. **** someone then admit to a kiss to alleviate the guilt.

When it comes to the did she or didn't she do more tbh in my gut I believe her - I guess like I say shes a really really rubbish lier for one thing and for another the logistics don't add up - midday In a crowded café she met him factoring in the time it takes to get there from her house, the fact she'd been talking with her sister for a while before I saw her and I saw her within 2 hrs theres not really time...and its just not megan its just not, like I know I didn't think she'd kiss anyone else either but I dunno, shes not I sont really know where im going with this sentence - shes never had a one night stand, shes never kissed on the first date in her life, shes, I dunno I just, my instinct tells me shes not lying.

OP you say this girl is v shy? Is she also v insecure? If yes then she will likely continue to cheat.
She made a decision to kiss him, she wanted to and she did. Its up to you whether you forgive her or not but there is no excuse for what she did so dont listen to any excuses.

Shy, yeah she is. Insecure, err not really, I mean I really don't think she sees herself the way I see her but I wouldn't go as far as to say shes insecure.

Ask her "did anything else happen with this guy" and let me know her reaction. Ill tell you if shes lying or not

We had a bit of a chat earlier and I did say to her something like 'you promise me that was all it was' and she said as best I can remember 'stop fraser (we were walking) look me in the eyes (I did) I swear to you, I swear theres nothing im not telling you darling. He kissed me and I kissed him back and it felt all wrong fraser, It just felt empty, and I thought of how it feels when I kiss you and then my breain just kicked into gear and I pushed him off. I promise you and if you don't believe me fraser then go ask the guy in the café - it was only the other day im sure he remembers the crazy girl who kissed a guy and started crying straight away - I walked out frayz, I walked out and he went to follow me and I told him not to.'

Then we started walking and she told me that her sister told her not to tell me but that she couldn't do I had the right to know and then she asked me if she did the right thing and I told her she did.

[HeartIsAching]

tbh in my gut I believe her -

this

combined with this:

as best I can remember

If you believe her... you're an idiot.

She was waaaaay too guilt-wracked for a kiss. When you asked her directly, she gave you a classic avoidance-answer - "as best as I can remember".

She ****ed him.

[fraser]

All you can do is take her word or leave her.

I feel like maybe I just need to trust her on that front - I mean if you've not got trust you've not got a relationship right? I know deep down that we cant move forward without me giving it a proper second go and finding the ability to just trust her again, y'know? Saying it is much easier than doing it thou!

Personally, if I were in the guy's shoes.. I wouldn't really hold my breath and just go about enjoying life. There are plenty of women out there, go have fun instead of dwelling on petty relationship BS. I know it's easier said than done (I'm stuck in a tough relationship situation myself).. But we have to do what we have to do to make ourselves happy.. That's all it comes down to.

The truth of the matter is, maybe oddly for a lad of my age, im just much happier in a committed relationship with someone I know really well and am really in love with. That's why I guess im so reluctant to throw it away. I'd of picked my gf over a different girl every night of the week every single time without a doubt yknow.

[Anonymously_]

this

combined with this:



If you believe her... you're an idiot.

She was waaaaay too guilt-wracked for a kiss. When you asked her directly, she gave you a classic avoidance-answer - "as best as I can remember".

She ****ed him.

That's based on your opinion that a kiss isn't that bad and you're then speculating that the same applies in their relationship and then deciding that she's acting way too guilty for it to just be a kiss. You also completely misread, you ****ing idiot lol. She never said "as best I can remember", Fraser said "as best I can remember" in reference to remembering what she said exactly.

[fraser]

When you asked her directly, she gave you a classic avoidance-answer - "as best as I can remember".

I said 'as best I can remember' maybe I f***ed up my grammar there - I said as best as I can remember what she said to me was.........
because obviously this happened earlier today so I don't remember word for word what she said.

[Stickleback]

There does seem a number of people desperate to prove that this girl has done more than she's admitted to.

It seems like infidelity screws some people up so much they go on a desperate crusade to see it everywhere.

[Maple1714]

What a ridiculous statement.

You have a very loose definition of wrong.

Wanting, fantasizing...doesn't everyone do it from time to time? You see a very attractive person...you don't ever think to yourself "Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to kiss them?". Ever look at porn?

Maybe "wanting" is too strong of a word, but hell some people def want to. My point is, sometime during your (in general terms, not every single human being will experience this) life you are going to think about a different person sexually outside of your committed relationship. It's the actions that follow which are important, IMO. We always have a choice. And no IMO it def. is not wrong to want someone else sexually....fantasize about someone else. Why would that be "wrong"? Who gets to determine what is "wrong" to think about? God? Our Parents? Our Significant Other?

I will add - people feeling guilt for their thoughts about others is not good. Instead be brave enough to accept that it's OK to have these feelings when they come up and deal with them openly...people think it's "wrong" and blame themselves...then they end up staying exactly where they are and possibly begin to cheat/lie. Of course, some people have very rich, full satisfying monogamous relationships, but I bet even someone in that dynamic fantasizes about others from time to time...only natural.