Am I being a jerk?

[howtobalance]

So my gf and I have been together for about 18 months. We're in our mid-20s and live together.

I'm going visit my sister this week who is home from college for just this week. She staying my parents house which is about 2 and a half hours from my house. My gf found out that she needs to get lump on her foot removed (not cancer or anything just pain). the appointment will get scheduled later this week or next week. I said that I would come back from seeing my sister for the appt, but now she wants me to stay the entire week (maybe see my sister one afternoon) because she is nervous about the appt. I feel like it's my only chance to see my sister that it's reasonable to go? She feels like I should be there for her because she is nervous.

Am I being a jerk? I feel like this happens alot where she is nervous and says she needs me to be there. I would always be there for her if she really needed me, but I don't think just being nervous counts.

I think it's like if she was in the hospital I would miss work to be there, but I wouldn't miss work to be there for her if she had a mild cold. she always says i should be there no matter what.

[howtobalance]

This is really the question of...should I always just be there and comply? or should I tell her and hold my ground when I don't think that she is being reasonable?

[TablesandChairs]

It's sabotage - I went in for an OP a lot more serious that a foot lump and I insisted my partner not miss work; he had just started and there was no way i wanted him to jeopardize it. It wasn't exactly life-threatening. You're going with her for the appointment, I assume she has family...you haven't seen your sister for ages. As long as you keep in regular contact, there's no issue. She's being a child.

If you always drop everything for your partner 'no matter want', you can count yourself unemployed, for a start. There are big things and then there are not so big things.

[Boisdevie]

She is trying to control you. That would be a massive red flag for me.

[michelle23]

She doesn't want you to go and is using this as an excuse to make you stay. Could you ask her to go with you for a night or two? Compromise

[howtobalance]

That would be a good compromise except that she has to work all week. I agree that at least to some extent it's a excuse. I feel like she is being immature and that my staying would just reinforce her behavior. It is a reoccurring theme in our relationship that she gets upset/nervous about things that I don't feel are a big deal, and then I'm not there for her.

[howtobalance]

How can I tell her that she is being immature in a nice/caring way? I feel like I need to give her "tough love" or she'll never learn to be self-reliant.

[michelle23]

Just say to her. "If it were possible for you to come with me and spend time with my family too, then of course I would love that but because that is not possible, I have no choice but to go alone. I am compromising by saying I will come back early so I can support you but I need your support on this too. My family are important, I see you every day but I have not seen her for a long time and I don't want to talk about this anymore. I AM going and that is final. You cannot ask me to choose between you and my family and you need to understand that they are also a big part of my life. I wouldn't ever stop you if you wanted to see your mum or friends so I am asking you not to make me feel bad about this.

If she kicks off or tries to guilt trip you-just walk away into a different room and be stubborn. Stand your ground. She will come to you when she gets over her hissy fit and apologize. You cant be too passive with her. Eventually she will lose respect for you if you are. You are not being unreasonable here and you have every right to go and spend time with your sister so don't back down. You have already agreed to come home 2 days early so let that be the end of it and don't apologize

You could also suggest that one of her friends or family stays with her for a few nights while your gone so she can spend time with them and have fun.

[howtobalance]

michelle23 I think you're exactly right. I just have to stand my ground and not let you discount what's important to me. Is it worth telling her that I think she is acting immaturely and has some growing to do, or is it best to just stand my ground? She acts like I won't stay because I don't care about her, but that's not it at all.

[lalalita]

It's your sister. Any girlfriend/boyfriend who thinks they come before family needs a rude awakening. I could understand her wanting you to stay if you were going to see some buddy, but it being a family member changes everything in your favor. She's trying to control you and I really don't think it has anything to do with her being nervous about her procedure. If she were going in for a serious surgery, I could understand her wanting you there. But a lump removed from her foot? Please. She needs to function as an adult without you constantly by her side.

If the roles were reversed, I'm sure she'd leave you high and dry to see whoever she wanted.

[howtobalance]

lalalita, I agree with what you're saying. I think family comes first, and I think she needs to learn to function by herself. If the roles were reversed, I would not expect her to stay; however, she WOULD stay which is partly where the disagreement is. She has one brother who's a mess drug addict who she never sees and she doesn't have good relationships with her parents, so she is very vocal about me being more important to her than her family.

[okwhat2013]

"How can I tell her that she is being immature in a nice/caring way?"

I love this question!! Basically how do you tell someone they are immature without them flipping out like someone would if they were immature...hahahahahaha Good luck with that one. :-)

[Starnique]

She's being emotionally manipulative. I suggest you take your balls out her purse and tell her you are going to see your sister and you will check on her periodically and if she needs anything to let you know. Case closed.