Need advice on how to handle the situation...

[mrlee75]

Here's the situation:

Girlfriend makes plans months in advance to attend 2 birthdays. One in town and one out of town. I agree to go with her to the one in town and she was supposed to drive the next day to the one out of town with a friend and come back the next morning for work.

The first birthday, she was very certain that she wanted to stay until the end, because she wasn't able to attend the year before because of a conflict with my birthday (which we fought about). Day of the first birthday, plans change because there's a potential thunderstorm and the friend bails last minute. She asks me to go all of a sudden, and is very indecisive about the whole plan as to when to leave etc.. when months prior she never asked me to go, even though the bday girl said it was fine for me to go as it was supposed to be no bf's. I tell her I have to be back at a certain time the following day, she gets quiet. Friend makes up her mind, and then the plan changes to leave that night, meaning the 1st bday she couldn't/didn't want to stay until the end. I turned friends down, who wanted to go out because I told them I already agreed previously to attend the 1st birthday party all night. Now the day of the 1st birthday party, when it's time for her to head out of town, hours earlier than what we initially planned, I'm basically left sitting at home by myself...

Day of 2nd party. I get a call at 11am. We talk very briefly. In the middle of the conversation she passes the phone to my friend so I could talk to him etc. (a few of my friends were there so my gf and her friend stayed in their room). Phone is given back to her and we talk for a few seconds before she says she has to go. Cool. 9 hours later I get a text, I respond a few hours later because I was busy with family. No response...I text her right before i go to bed, which is aroudn 1230.. I fall asleep around 1-130. 3am comes by and I get a text from her apologizing for not responding because she was driving and then a call from her since she just got back home. I wake up from the text and call. The conversation lasts seconds, since I can't hear/understand a single word she is saying. we hang up and I get a text from her saying she's super tired and she can't talk louder because people are sleeping. misses and loves me... Great right? The call woke me up and I was unable to sleep the rest of the night and have a long commute to work the next morning. I get 1.5-2 hours of sleep and have AM meetings. FUN!. I text her in the morning telling her I wasn't able to sleep after she called and I�m tired too. Also wishing that she had called me earlier in the night before driving back. Knowing that I have to wake up early the following morning.
She apologizes and responds saying she really didn't mean to do that, she just wanted to talk to me and she didn't think of it before. Also noting that she took a little nap prior to the drive, woke up and drove trying to get home asap. I check my phone in the morning and realize that she made comments on her friend's facebook 30 minutes after I texted her when I was with my family. That was roughly 4.5-5 hours before she calls me and gets home. The drive back home for her is approximately 3-4 hours. See the urgency and rush to get home? Math doesn't work out.

From my POV, it seems like she gave me a lame excuse when she had the entire day to call me! This happens a lot when she's out with friendsand I get the least amount of response or communication because she's "busy". I don't want a long conversation lasting hours, but at least the common decency and consideration if you're going to talk to me.

Am I over-reacting since I'm tired and grumpy? or should i call her out on it? How should I approach this?

[smackie9]

Everyone is different. Me I don't expect my husband to call me when he is out of town. I might send an email but I don't expect an instant reply because I know he is busy. If he doesn't call I don't worry about it, I will talk to him when he gets home.

IMO you are over reacting over about an hour missed. I'm not sure what that means to you, but I wouldn't think it was anything.

Oh well sometimes plans get messed up and there is no way to predict things like that so it's no fault of anyone's.

Have you always been this uptight about things like this with her?

Maybe you both are just not right for each other.

[mrlee75]

sorry i know i'm coming across uptight and over-reacting. It just happens way too much.

When I go on a work trip or trip with the guys she calls/texts..when i don't answer for some time she gets sad and whines. Or if I cut the convo short, she jokingly says I don't love her anymore or that I don't want to talk to her anymore...or that I'm with another girl. When we fight she's always talking about things being not fair for her. The whining/joking also occurs when she wants to come over after going out with friends until late and I say no. For example. a few nights ago she said she was going to dinner with a friend. not a problem. i hadn't heard a single word from her the entire day. not a big deal. i realize its getting late so i call her to see what she's up to before i go to sleep. She's at a bar with a few friends, cool. I tell her i'm going to bed, she asks if she can come over. (she usually sleeps over everyday) I say no because it's late. She then asks why? and then says I don't love her anymore (sarcastically).... I respond with I'm sorry ms. busy (sarcastically)..it's late, i'm going to bed ... and then she gets defensive and turns it onto me saying I'm needy... Next day I get off early and run errands. when I tell her i got off early.. she questions why I didn't call her ... -__-

When she's out with friends; I ask a simple question where i need a simple response, I don't always get a response. Or she'll initiate conversation and I'll respond with a question just for the sake of conversation, and i don't get any response. At first I didn't really care, I understand ppl are busy... this just gets annoying after a while. Which is probably where most of this comes from... I'm just more upset that she could've took into consideration my schedule and called earlier instead of 3am when she knew I had to wake up early.. and then saying she was super tired and couldn't talk loud so it was useless to be on the phone.

[dem862]

Well, it sounds like you are bit too controlling, and she is a bit too free-wheeling. Plus she has a little manipulative streak, which isn't a big deal, most women do. It is hard to tell how dramatic all this is. Do you get into a no-holds-barred free-for-all fight, or is this just a little annoyance? If it is an annoyance, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just get used to it and concentrate on the bigger issues that make her attractive. If you are getting into huge arguments about petty stuff, then I would say the relationship has probably run it's course.

[mrlee75]

hrm. good point... I feel like I have to be a bit controlling...we used to get into huge fights, mostly with her yelling and screaming and being really uncontrollable.

used to be over her craziness when she got drank. She's very emotional and cries a lot. Once she started crying, because I told her I was going to the bathroom, but got distracted by my friend; sat down and started talking to him. She started crying because I said I was going to the bathroom, but didn't. So she felt like I just wanted to get away from her or I lied to her...still confused as the real reason.

Other time, she threw a huge fit and cried for hours in front of everyone because I went to have a cigarette with an old female coworker I hadn't seen in a year after having worked with her for almost 3 years. I've introduced the two previously and we've all gone out together in the past. She was hurt/got jealous or something... I'm still confused of why.

Or the many times when we would go out for my friends birthdays and she'd throw a fit because she was tired or didn't want to be there anymore and start crying, because I didn't listen to her...or she would intentionally send her friend to talk to me when I'm talking to my close female friend she doesn't like/hates for other reasons. past jealousy before we started dating.


BUT the time when she went to NY with a guy friend, just the 2 of them, and she blacked out from drinking too much at his friends appt and was the ONLY girl... i had "no" right to get upset, i couldn't back down from this one. it was too intense... there's a lot of back story behind all of this. I didn't realize a lot of the things until recently.. call me dumb, but i'm pretty oblivious sometimes. The craziness toned down a lot, but still sometimes it's ridiculous.

The attractiveness is really that sometimes she does seem like she wants to be with me, but sometimes it feels like it's only when there's nothing else to do. During the week she calls and asks to come over and sleep over. I oblige, its nice and dandy. I say no, it's manipulative whining and guilt trip (a lot less now). But when it comes to the weekend when I want to do something since I don't have to wake up early and have more energy...she doesn't have the time or can't because her friends want to do something. so I call her out on it. I understand she has friends, but when it's multiple consecutive weekends, it gets a bit outrageous.

[mrlee75]

meh. made me realize this is one dysfunctional relationship....and we're just not meant to be.

[smackie9]

meh. made me realize this is one dysfunctional relationship....and we're just not meant to be.

Good point.......