Hey everyone. I just signed up to the forum today in hopes that somebody or many people could help me out with my relationship troubles. You can refer to me as "Bee" if you'd like. I am a 24 year old woman. Here's my story.
I know the problem I am having, so let me put it bluntly. I feel unsatisfied/unneeded/powerless/pointless sexually when it comes to my boyfriend. I feel like I can't do anything for him sexually, and that is wearing me out, making me feel insecure and unhappy. A big turn on for me is being able to take control of my lover and make them desire me so much that I make them melt (really and truly haha). The thought of being able to jump my man's bones whenever I want and have him respond positively towards it is really sexy to me. And having a lover who desires me just as much, and wants to please me and make me orgasm because he finds me so sexy is also another huge turn on for me. And I do not get that from my current relationship. Let me explain.
My boyfriend and I began dating three years ago. I was from the east coast and moved to California when I was 21 because I loved it out here and that is where I wanted to be (I also had some friends out there and a huge crush that I wanted to pursue when I finally moved to CA). So as soon as I moved to CA, my crush and I made our dating official and began a relationship (we had started "dating" one another long-distance half a year before I moved to CA, as we had met and liked one another and knew I would be moving out there soon. He flew to the east coast to see me before I moved out to meet my family and whatnot. We had a history before we jumped into a relationship right away, is what I am trying to say.)
When I moved to CA, I lived a little less than two hours away from my bf. We would take turns traveling to see one another every weekend or so. He lived with his parents and I had my own apartment. Our sexuality issues developed right from the start. He didn't seem interested in sex at first, but I attributed that to his lack of confidence in bed. When I would try to touch him sexually, he would push my hand away or tell me to stop right away. Since our relationship was really new, I began feeling rejected sexually from the beginning. And when it came to him pleasing me, well, that didn't really happen. Ever. He would finger me here and there, but I could tell he was just doing it because I initiated it and wasn't really that into it, or willing to listen to what I wanted (I would tell him where to touch me and he would instead try to get me to enjoy how HE was touching me ... even though it wasn't what made me feel really good). After a year of me living in CA and being in this relationship, I moved to the city he lived in and we got an apartment together. But our sexual struggles continued. And still are to this day.
Currently, I have yet to give him a handjob or blow job, or be pleased by him. When he's ready for sex, we go into the other room and have sex. If I ask him to please me beforehand, he makes a fuss by saying things like "are you serious?" or "aw come on" because he is ready to go. Our sex is so vanilla. He gets horny, tells me he wants to have sex, we go into the bedroom, he lasts a couple minutes, and then he takes a shower. Up until about a week ago, I didn't know what was so wrong with our relationship sexually. I have felt so insecure with him because I feel like I can never please him, and that he doesn't have the desire to make ME want to orgasm. And I am normally a very confident person!! So I thought maybe I was expecting too much. With further research, I was able to pinpoint the problem and learn about myself that the reason I am struggling so hard with our sexual situation is because something that is a huge turn on for me that is usually the underlying topic when I masturbate is control and desire. So when I hear that it seems to be a hassle to make me orgasm, it is a huge turn-off, and unfortunately builds my resentment. Knowing that I need to feel that sense of control over my man. Otherwise, I feel pointless and that I am just a vagina when it comes to sex. I know he loves me more than anyone in the world, he tells me he wants to marry me all of the time, and we are only 24 years old. As much as I like knowing he is this happy and content with me, it kills me knowing that I'm not on the same page as him, because although his desires may be being met, mine are not.
So a week ago, after finding out what my problem was when it came to sex, and why I often felt resentment towards him sexually, I gathered my thoughts and talked to him about it. But after I told him what I learned about myself, he got defensive as he always does and we got into an argument. He wasn't seeing where I was coming from, and it got to the point where I asked him to spend the night at his parents for a couple days because I needed some space to sort things out in my head. When we met back up a couple days later and talked, we were able to make amends because we love each other very, very, very much, but I stuck to my guns about needing that sense of power sexually. I don't think he truly understands, though. Because still nothing has changed. Although it has only been a week, to be fair.
Since our talk last week, the topic of oral sex has come up a lot more. He has been saying that he wants to try oral sex, (him giving it to me and me giving it to him), but it has yet to happen. And at this point, thinking about doing those things with him almost makes me more uncomfortable than excited, because I am so nervous that he won't like it, or I'll make a fool of myself.
This is killing me, because I love this man so very much, and I know that he truly wants to marry me someday. He loves me unconditionally, and I fear that he may just need himself sexually and that just may be who he is. But I know that I won't be happy in this relationship down the road if it stays the way it is. I have needs and desires that I need met to be happy, too, and I am just not getting that.
99.99% of the time I am the one to buy condoms. We buy magnum size because he is quite large, and it is like he is almost embarrassed to buy them himself. He has only given oral to one girl before, an ex gf from highschool, and he didn't like it and never tried it again. And the only time he has been given a BJ was in highschool from the same gf, and he didn't like it and never tried it again. I am very open and have told him I will take it slow with him, but I am running on fumes here. I have explained to him that I am open for role-play, or literally anything sexual he wants to try. But it is like he just isn't interested in sexual acts. He just seems interested in getting off and getting it done with. Wouldn't most guys kill for such an open, sexual girlfriend who is willing to have crazy sex whenever?! Or am I missing something here?
To be fair, I have only had one other boyfriend prior to him and only two sexual partners (not including my current bf). So I can't say I am the most experienced with different guys. So that is why I am here, on these forums, hoping somebody can make a connection with me, or point me in the right direction, or give me some advice, or tell me I am acting crazy. I just need to tell someone my own story because I am sick of googling for stories similar to mine and reading advice tailored to that situation. So here is my own story. I am truly looking forward to any and all feedback that I can get. Go ahead and be honest, I will appreciate it.
I wanted to mention also how good our relationship is on every other level except sexually. He empowers me and makes me feel more confident. He is loyal, trustworthy, responsible, fun, caring, and honest. When we are together, we are usually laughing a LOT. I don't remember laughing so much in my life as I do with him. My family absolutely adores him because he is such a sweetheart, and his family has completely taken me in. He tells me I am his soulmate and the one he will marry someday. He has made me become a better, more mature person and I have grown up so much while being with him. He has done an incredible amount of good in my life. Everyone loves him. Because he is genuinely a nice guy. I just wish he would unlock his sexual gates and at least give me the key to access him whenever I wanted!!
Thank you so much for reading. I feel better just knowing I am getting my worries out there in hopes for some kind of solution. Sorry if my thoughts are scattered. I am open to answering whatever questions you may have.
-Bee