Parents vs Girlfriend

[BobxMarley]

My parents and my ex never really got along. They were always very critical of her for not living on her own and my dad would always challenge her in discussion. Which, she would usually get offended and start to shut down. We were together for 5 years until I eventually broke up with her. The stress of feeling like I had to choose between my parents and my girlfriend resulted in me slowly shutting her out of my future. As the relationship started falling apart I eventually broke it off without talking about the issues first.

Now, three months later, we met up to talk about the breakup. She told me that I'm too controlled by my parents and that no girl would appreciate that. She also expressed that she wants me to have a good relationship with them, but she didn't like how I always would put them before her. On the other hand, they have since told me that they didn't approve of her and they think I deserve better.

I've always followed my parents advice in life because I'm so close to them. However, I felt like I had to choose between my parents and my girlfriend. Which, I chose my parents. But now, I'm kinda lost in life and I have been questioning my decision. I've feel like I've been making my life's decisions based upon trying to live up to other peoples expectations. This has led me to what I call a quarter life crisis and I'm not sure which path to take. I can still get my ex back but it would be a rocky road with my parents. What do I do!?!

I'm 25 and my ex is 26. We had a healthy relationship and never stopped caring for each other. But this issue would need to be resolved in order for us to consider getting back together.

[danizephyr]

If you feel like you're only doing things to live up to someone else's expectations then, you're not really living you're own life. The real questions here are : Do you love her and do you really want her back? If so, it shouldn't matter what your parents think. Your parents might be close to you, they gave you life, and cared for you all through adulthood but they should have no say in who you choose to be with.

In order to have a healthy and normal relationship with your parents, you should start creating boundaries and thinking for yourself. The only reason why your parents act this way is because you allow them to be strongly opinionated about your life therefore, they feel entitled. However, if you live with them or still depend on them financially in anyway, it ill be twice as difficult for them to accept these new boundaries. All in all, you're an adult now, take charge of your life and make your own decisions. Your parents should provide you support and unconditional love not manipulate you into doing what they want you to do.

[Starnique]

The question is, why the hell is she with you? A little boy still running behind his mommy and daddy? You broke up with her and you don't respect her or love her because if you truly did you would have politely told your parenys that its your life and she is who you want to be with and they don't have to like it but they need to respect it. She may not have it all together but she's not a bad person, mistreating you. You mistreated her and then you're going back and forth (because you can).

I hope she moves on from your ass and she's right. No woman will respect that. As you can see, you don't have mine

[BobxMarley]

If you feel like you're only doing things to live up to someone else's expectations then, you're not really living you're own life. The real questions here are : Do you love her and do you really want her back? If so, it shouldn't matter what your parents think. Your parents might be close to you, they gave you life, and cared for you all through adulthood but they should have no say in who you choose to be with.

In order to have a healthy and normal relationship with your parents, you should start creating boundaries and thinking for yourself. The only reason why your parents act this way is because you allow them to be strongly opinionated about your life therefore, they feel entitled. However, if you live with them or still depend on them financially in anyway, it ill be twice as difficult for them to accept these new boundaries. All in all, you're an adult now, take charge of your life and make your own decisions. Your parents should provide you support and unconditional love not manipulate you into doing what they want you to do.

Thanks for your perspective danizephyr. I've lived on my own since I was 18. I don't require any aid whatsoever from them. In fact, we live in different states so they are quiet separated from my personal matters unless I share it with them. However, maybe I still ask for advice to much from them so they feel entitled to comment on other parts of my life. My mom and dad both had previous relationships/divorces before they met, so I think they are bias and think I am picking the wrong girl. I have a great relationship with her family. I think you are right. Maybe its time I start distancing them from my life's decisions and just live my life as I see fit.

[4 ratties]

I would understand your parents point of view if she had 5 kids, has been to prison, or been married 4 times. But just the fact of her living at home shouldn't make them feel that you can "do better". Places to live on your own are expensive these days. You're parents sound like snobs and I wouldn't want to deal with it if I was her.

[BobxMarley]

I would understand your parents point of view if she had 5 kids, has been to prison, or been married 4 times. But just the fact of her living at home shouldn't make them feel that you can "do better". Places to live on your own are expensive these days. You're parents sound like snobs and I wouldn't want to deal with it if I was her.

Thanks for your perspective ratties. When we met up to talk today, she stated that she shouldn't have to impress my parents. I finally understand this now. I don't know why it took time apart to understand this. I guess I always thought she just always had attitude around my parents. But, I can see how my Dad was tough on her which was the initial cause of these reactions. I wouldn't categorize them as snobs, they just really believe everyone should stand on their own feet and are very critical towards those who are dependent on other people. I guess Anti Liberal would be the closest terminology to describe that.

[basilandthyme]

By the sound of things, your dad would have been difficult for her to be around. I think that getting on well with those around us is an admirable trait and I'm not sure I'd bother with someone who felt the need to challenge me like your dad did to your girlfriend.

I also wonder about him being hard on her due to her living at home. Where I live, housing and university are extortionately expensive and young people just can't afford to leave home till they have a substantial income. If you live in a similar economic climate, then perhaps there's a degree of her being sensible. Of course, you'd expect her to contribute to the running of the household and not have her mother waiting on her hand and foot

At the very least, you should expect both your parents to treat her with respect.

[BobxMarley]

By the sound of things, your dad would have been difficult for her to be around. I think that getting on well with those around us is an admirable trait and I'm not sure I'd bother with someone who felt the need to challenge me like your dad did to your girlfriend.

I also wonder about him being hard on her due to her living at home. Where I live, housing and university are extortionately expensive and young people just can't afford to leave home till they have a substantial income. If you live in a similar economic climate, then perhaps there's a degree of her being sensible. Of course, you'd expect her to contribute to the running of the household and not have her mother waiting on her hand and foot

At the very least, you should expect both your parents to treat her with respect.

Thanks for the response basilandthyme. Yeah, we do live in an expensive part of the United States where living at home is common. When we finally discussed our breakup, she did express that she cared about my relationship with my parents. However, she also said I need to stop complicating my life and just listen to what I want instead of what my parents think. Which, I totally agree with.

[surfhb2]

You might want to seek some therapy to get over this conditioning from the parents. You need to put them on a shelf far up and to the rear of the cupboard....if you get my drift?

Also you live in different location. How often do they meet with your gf? How do they know so much about her to disapprove? Seems they were throwing out judgements and you fell for it.

A wise man once said: " The worst advice comes from people who love you".

I can say from experience that, looking back....my folks gave me terrible advice growing up.

[sssspanos]

You should protect her from any direct comment from your parents. Grow up and protect yourself from them also. No need to talk to them. Just change your behaviour and get your life in your hands. This is critical for this or Ny other woman in your life.

Otherwise ask your father to chose one for you...

[BobxMarley]

You might want to seek some therapy to get over this conditioning from the parents. You need to put them on a shelf far up and to the rear of the cupboard....if you get my drift?

Also you live in different location. How often do they meet with your gf? How do they know so much about her to disapprove? Seems they were throwing out judgements and you fell for it.

A wise man once said: " The worst advice comes from people who love you".

I can say from experience that, looking back....my folks gave me terrible advice growing up.

They would come visit about 3 times a year and we would all go to dinner. So really, when you put it that way, they don't really know anything about her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Grow some balls.

[BobxMarley]

Grow some balls.

Dully Noted.

[TablesandChairs]

The irony is - she's living with her parents but you're the one controlled by your parents, even if you do live apart. Your parents' liberal views are their own; they don't walk in her shoes or know her circumstances. Are they supporting her? No, so what is the issue? Her parents don't have a problem with it so why do they? What a couple of judgmental, mean spirited people. She's not some debauched freak taking drugs and popping out kids.

Did you ever stand up for her? Did you ever list her qualities? Did you ever say 'Where she lives is not your business, dad?'. If not, then I'm surprised she wasn't the one to break it off.

[bankitdrew]

You should protect her from any direct comment from your parents. Grow up and protect yourself from them also. No need to talk to them. Just change your behaviour and get your life in your hands. This is critical for this or Ny other woman in your life.

Otherwise ask your father to chose one for you...

this.

Also, you're going to resent your parents for dictating your life like this.