She broke my heart and now she's made her way back into my life

[kronsteen]

Before I start, I just want to put it out there that what I'm requesting is more or less how to figure out how to move on from this situation. Sorry this is so long, but if you bear with me and read through it, I hope at the very least it provides for an interesting story :)

So this girl (we'll call her Jane for anonymity sake) and I met about a year and a half ago when she started attending the same church as me. I actively pursued her, we hit it off upon our initial few interactions, and she let me take her out a few times (one of the times she was the one doing the asking out). I could immediately tell, even before I made contact with her, that she mostly keeps to herself. She comes across to everyone around her as being very shy and soft spoken, even to the point that some people think she's rude. Despite the fact that we went out for a bit, nothing happened beyond that (no physical contact, extra hang-outs, etc.). She also acted very hot-cold with me, and could be very aloof at times. She made it sound like a chore to schedule out dates, but would ultimately relent. I learned that she is very obsessive about her schedule, and it wasn't just to get me to stay away (though that was definitely a part of it).

Anyway, despite Jane's strange behavior, I fell for her. I've never had so much fun talking to a girl (when she was receptive), nor have I ever been this physically attracted to someone. I continued to see her almost weekly at church, and we'd stay in contact through email during a month she spent abroad right after our short period of dates. She kept my hopes alive though her enthusiastic emails/texts, as well as the many things we had in common. Upon her returning home, I aggressively pursued her and ended up disappointed as she all but said she didn't want to go out again. I take a lot of blame for my downfall, though. I'm not tremendously experienced dating-wise, and really didn't get into it until my 20's (I'm in my mid-20's now, as is she). However, I've had enough minor successes and disappointments to be realistic about things. The problem was that I had never felt this way about anyone before. Bottom line, this was the first time I had been in love (or at least close to it), and with the way she treated me it's hard to explain why. I admit that I came across as pushy and unsure of myself in those beginning months, but I didn't know how to handle these new feelings. I was too much of the "nice guy" and made myself way too available, but that part of this story is in the past and I try not to dwell on it.

After this initial rejection, I would go a month or two at a time without speaking to or texting her, but then she'd want to hang out or ask for favors, and I would fall right back into it. Then, she would always try to signal me away when I was on the verge of trying to get things going again. Her signals were never clear enough, as she would still lead me on in other ways, but they were enough to really hurt me (such as refusing to even look at me when we'd hang out in a group and I tried to talk to her, or making her friends whom I didn't know sit by me in movies so she didn't have to).

Things finally came to a head when I tried asking her out, got signaled away again, and I called her out. I convinced her to talk to me about it face to face. She was so upset about me sternly calling her out that she made sure our conversation left me feeling hurt. She wrote me an email that night apologizing, and explaining further that she could only be "casual" friends. She also said she regretted trying to talk face to face because she is very uncomfortable around me, and has been since we met. She blamed it on "different communication styles" and claimed that she has never had that problem with any other guy. Over the next week, we exchanged very long emails in which we told each other everything from our perspectives. I confessed how hard I'd fallen for her, and regrettably told her a lot of my insecurities with her and other girls. It's embarrassing to me now and I regret even responding. She responded with hollow words of comfort ("you're a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you", etc. etc.) but explained that she never really was interested in me after the first date. She was also upset over me staying and talking to her after the dates, and accepting her invitations to come inside her house afterwards to talk further, when that invitation was clearly superficial and I should have known to stick with dropping her off when she initially asked to. That and the fact that she was inexplicably "awkward" around me was, in her words, what made her realize she should stay away. It's hard for me to digest that I'm the only guy she has social problems with. I see her struggle when talking to others at church. She acknowledged that she has hardly ever dated, and has never found mutual attraction. The few guys she has liked have never been interested. She claims that her quiet nature comes from her own self-confidence that she gained from similar experiences as mine, and that she is content just waiting for the perfect situation to come along and effortlessly evolve into a relationship.

Anyway, she offered friendship as she said she felt bad for knowingly leading me on the whole time, but she also questioned our ability to be friends when one person likes the other so much. She also said that she would never under any circumstance have a change of heart and reconsider her feelings for me. I responded by saying we should spend time apart, and avoid conversation or contact at church or anywhere else for the time being. She agreed and we did so for 4 months, despite seeing each other in passing every week.

I started pursuing other girls, and was fine doing so. After that dark period that followed our emails, I began getting some confidence back and meeting girls. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no connection with any of them. Some rejected me, and I rejected others, but I moved on from all of them. I realized that it was silly to keep ignoring Jane, and I was curious to see how a friendship might work between us. I also thought I was over her. I re-opened communication through an email suggesting lunch together. She quickly responded, agreeing that a friendly lunch/outing would be great. But she made it clear that it was not a date, and we were not to make it appear as such. She was adamant that we couldn't spend much time together, as that's only what people who like each other do.

Her "busy" schedule meant that we could only email back and forth for a few months before actually getting together. In the meantime, I was again seeking girl advice, and, trying to see Jane as a friend, I wrote her an email asking for help. She said she'd give it a try so I followed up with a lengthy email about this other situation. Once again I opened up too much and told her stuff I shouldn't have, but she responded with a quick, two sentence reply that, while it said I might as well pursue this particular other girl, she thought this other girl probably wasn't interested from what I said. It convinced me to end up not pursuing it (which I don't regret). We never discussed it again.

So after these couple months of exclusively emailing, we got together for a day hike (her idea). It turned out to be a lot of fun. The most fun I'd ever had with her. There was no dating pressure, and I didn't intend to push for anything. I actually liked someone else at the time. I could still kinda tell it was awkward seeing her at church the next day, so I emailed a follow up the next week thanking her for going and telling her I felt it went well. She replied saying she had a lot of fun, and asked if she could watch a particular movie with me that we had been discussing on the hike. This is when my feelings began creeping back. I agreed, but again due to her weirdness with scheduling, it took us another 2 months to get around to it. In the meantime, we still kind of ignored each other at church, but I would text her every once in a while and she was receptive.

She finally got back to me on the movie with a scheduled day. I asked her if she was comfortable watching a movie alone with me at my house (she had never been to my house before). She said yes. We also discussed the awkwardness at church thing and she said she just wasn't sure if I wanted her to talk to me, but she would make an effort to do so from then on. She did the following Sunday, and it was a good, natural conversation.

The night before the movie, she texted (keep in mind that through all this the only way she'll reach out to me is through text or email - never calling) saying that she forgot that her friend was staying with her and would it be possible to go pick her up and have her watch the movie with us. I wasn't going to let her get away with hiding behind friends again, so I told her we should reschedule because I was busy too. She agreed, and after a few days of texting in which she was having trouble fitting it into her schedule, I got frustrated and brought up the idea of cancelling. Honestly, I was crushed because my feelings had really started coming back at this point before her text about the friend staying over. Jane didn't want to cancel, and opened up her "only" foreseeable free night for it. Also during this time, our texting correspondence was again becoming flirtatious, but that's also how it was back when she led me on due to being afraid to tell me her true feelings.

So we watched the movie together. She was initially shy upon coming to my house, but seemed to warm up a little. I purposely did not sit right next to her on the couch. We talked for about 20 minutes after the movie, and she mentioned having to get home to finish some stuff for the week, but she stayed sitting and talked for about 5 minutes after that. Then, I walked her out. No hug, but she turned around to talk a little longer as we said our goodbyes.

About 20 minutes after leaving, she sent a text that was once again unclear in its meaning. It said: "Thanks for having me over, John. I really liked the movie! Unfortunately, I always crash at this point in the week and do have stuff to get done but it was fun. See ya around!"

I interpreted it as some sort of apology for leaving to get stuff done, so I told her no worries and that I had a good time, and to let me know if there's ever something else she wants to watch sometime. She responded with "Will do! And thanks, John." (NOTE: I was also very confused by the 'see ya around' part)

Anyway, that's where this now stands, and I'm finding myself falling in that same rut I was in before. I can't spend time with her without those feelings coming back, and now I'm confused as to why she's leading me on and wanting to hang around me after having told me she knows better than to do that to me. I really have no justifiable reason as to why I still like her the way I do, but that's just how it is. I think about her constantly and I find myself repeatedly checking my phone for another text from her. I acknowledge that I have let her walk all over me, and I don't want it to happen again.

I'm realistic and understand that it's very unlikely she's reconsidering her feelings after all this, but she is doing things that most girls only do when they are interested in someone. Whether she knows it or not, she's leading me on again. At this point I just want to forget about her. She and I are both very dedicated to our church activity, and will therefore continue to see each other weekly. That makes it hard as well. My confidence has also taken another slight dip due to all this coming back. It happens to be one of those times when I'm not really meeting new girls, and I know that other prospects are probably the best way to get over this. But I feel like there should be other ways and I shouldn't just bank on that to get me out of this. I do have a lot of other things to focus on: I have an impressive full time job, I stay busy, I read a lot, I exercise every day both in a boxing club and on my own and have a slim but fit build, I'm not bad looking, and I have a great support unit among family and friends. But I still have that mutual attraction missing from my life, and it's something I'm looking for. I do feel like my recent correspondence with Jane is holding me back, as I constantly find myself hoping to meet girls that resemble her in some way. I think another part of this is that I put in so much effort (which was my downfall) and got absolutely nothing in return: no returned interest, no physical contact, etc. It's hard for me to dwell on the fact that someone will eventually come along who has her (and himself) figured out and she immediately swoons over him.

Any thoughts or ideas on how to get over this? Do I need to tell (or in her case, email) her that my attraction is coming back and I just need to make sure there's still nothing there? Or do I need to cut her out of my life as much as possible, and go back to more or less avoiding her at church? Or is there some underlying miracle here that I should hold out for? If it's the latter option I should go with, I refuse to ask her out again or romantically pursue her unless she actually makes the effort to show me that's what she wants now and she can make herself more available (I know that isn't likely). Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

[basilandthyme]

Any chance of an abbreviated version?

[kronsteen]

Here is a more concise version, although I still feel like there's a lot to explain. Refer to the OP if you’d like more detail/insight on anything:

Background:
· Jane and I met about a year and a half ago when she started attending the same church as me.
· She let me take her out a few times.
· I could immediately tell that she mostly keeps to herself. She comes across to everyone around her as being very shy and soft spoken, even to the point that some people think she’s rude.
· Despite the fact that we went out for a bit, nothing happened beyond that (no physical contact, extra hang-outs, etc.). She also could be very aloof at times.

Initial Rejection:
· Despite her strange behavior, I fell for her.
· My pursuit was fed by her enthusiasm and reliability through email (when she was traveling) and texts, as well as the many things we had in common.
· I was disappointed as after a few months she all but said she didn't want to go out again. I take a lot of blame for my downfall, though. I’m not tremendously experienced dating-wise, and really didn't get into it until my 20’s (I’m in my mid-20’s now, as is she). These were the strongest feelings I had ever had and I came across as pushy and unsure of myself.

Aftermath:
· After this, I would try to avoid her, but then she’d want to hang out or ask for favors, and I would fall right back into it. Then, she would always try to signal me away when I was on the verge of trying to get things going again.
· After a while I tried asking her out again, got signaled away, and I called her out. We talked about it face to face and she was so fed up at this point that she made sure our conversation would leave me feeling hurt.
· She wrote me an email that night apologizing, and explained further that she could only be “casual” friends, that she regretted trying to talk face to face because she is very uncomfortable around me, and has been since we met. She blamed it on “different communication styles” and claimed that she has never had that problem with any other guy.
· We emailed explaining everything from our perspectives. I confessed how hard I’d fallen for her, and regrettably told her a lot of my insecurities with her and other girls. She said she was never really was interested in me. She acknowledged that she has hardly ever dated, and has never found mutual attraction. The few guys she has liked have never been interested. She called me out for my lack of confidence and claims that her quiet nature comes from her own self-confidence that she gained from similar experiences, and that she is content just waiting for the perfect situation to come along and effortlessly evolve into a relationship.
· She offered friendship as she said she felt bad for knowingly leading me on the whole time, but she also questioned our ability to be friends when one person likes the other so much. She also said that she would never under any circumstance reconsider her feelings for me.
· We avoided conversation or contact at church or anywhere else for 4 months, despite seeing each other in passing at church.

Trying to Move On:
· I began getting some confidence back and meeting girls. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no connection with any of them and I moved on quickly.
· I was curious to see how a friendship might work with Jane. I also thought I was over her. I re-opened communication with an email suggesting lunch together. She quickly responded, agreeing that a friendly lunch/outing would be great. But she made it clear that it was not a date, and we were not to make it appear as such. She was adamant that we couldn't spend much time together, as that’s only what people who like each other do.
· We eventually got together for a day hike (her idea). It turned out to be a lot of fun. The most fun I’d ever had with her. There was no dating pressure.
· We emailed a little after that, and she asked if she could watch a particular movie with me that we had been discussing on the hike. Due to her constant scheduling issues, it took us another 2 months to get around to it. In the meantime, we still kind of ignored each other at church, but I would text her every once in a while and she was receptive.

The Movie:
· She finally got back to me on the movie with a scheduled day. I asked her if she was comfortable watching a movie alone with me at my house (she had never been to my house before). She said yes. We also discussed the awkwardness at church thing and she said she just wasn't sure if I wanted her to talk to me, but she would make an effort to do so from then on.
· I got frustrated when she once again brought up scheduling issues and I tried to cancel completely. Jane didn't want to cancel, and opened up her “only” foreseeable free night for it. Also during this time, our texting correspondence was again becoming flirtatious.
· We watched the movie together. I purposely did not sit right next to her on the couch. We talked for about 20 minutes after the movie, and she mentioned having to get home to finish some stuff for the week. I walked her out. No hug, but she turned around to talk a little longer as we said our goodbyes.
· About 20 minutes after leaving, she sent a text that was once again unclear in its meaning. It said: “Thanks for having me over, John. I really liked the movie! Unfortunately, I always crash at this point in the week and do have stuff to get done but it was fun. See ya around!”
· I interpreted it as some sort of apology for leaving to get stuff done, so I told her no worries and that I had a good time, and to let me know if there’s ever something else she wants to watch sometime. She responded with “Will do! And thanks, John”

Any thoughts or ideas on how to get over this? Do I need to tell (or in her case, email) her that my attraction is coming back and I just need to make sure there’s still nothing there? Or do I need to cut her out of my life as much as possible, and go back to more or less avoiding her at church? Or is there some underlying miracle here that I should hold out for? I refuse to ask her out again or romantically pursue her unless she actually makes the effort to show me that’s what she wants now (I know that isn't likely). Any advice would be helpful.

[4 ratties]

Yes the only way to get over this girl is to stop talking to her. But you've already done that and then you say "she found a way back in your heart"
Well it's your life and your choice on who u open up to.
Id say stop talking to her. But I know you'll probably stare at her at church and she'll contact u finally and you'll give in to the cycle all over again.
This girl has major issues. Such a busy schedule and she sounds like a huge snob. Surprising you can't find anybody better than a girl who can only hang out every few months and cant give her friend a simple hug. Huge cold snob and id want nothin to do with her. But I guess that's what "love" does to some people

[kronsteen]

I agree with everything you said. I felt great when we were ignoring each other a few months back, and I have felt a lot better these past few days since I made the decision not to go out of my way to contact her.
I guess the other problem is the other girls I meet usually AREN'T much nicer/less snobbish than her so I almost expect it now. It will definitely be hard to stop staring/stressing, but I'm confident I can get over it without falling in the same cycle. As long as I make the decision beforehand. There are others even at church I can turn my attention toward trying to meet. And yes, I do acknowledge how rude she is. I'm certain that's a big reason why nobody else wants to date her. Thanks for the advice!