Complex Break Up

[KNScotland]

Hi folks, this is my first post so bare with me. The following situation is very complex and I could really use some advice with it.

So I'll start from the beginning, before I met my now ex Sarah.

Back in Jan '13 I started talking to a girl, Rachel, from the USA, we chatted daily and very quickly felt strong feelings for each other although we never and still haven't met.

I compete worldwide and in March I had a competition in Columbus, Ohio. This is where I met Sarah. Before I go on a tad of background, I'm 25 years old and live in Scotland, she is 35 and in Colorado.

So right off the bat we hit it off, lots of flirting and laughing. Never an awkward moment really. We ended up spending the night together even though we both didn't do one night stands. It was incredible, take the sex out the equation but just the connection I felt towards her, best night of my life. She reciprocated the feelings.

We spent the next night together too and decided to stay in touch when I returned home. I knew at this point I wanted more with her.

During this time Rachel and I were still talking but when I got home Sarah and I decided to give things a shot and I stopped talking to Rachel. Sarah and I would talk for hours on the phone, text whenever we could and I loved every minute of it.

In April around a month after declaring ourselves a couple I went to Colorado to visit for a week, again loved every second and felt closer to her than before. We spoke of me moving out there and started looking into options.

Just to add at this point I had a focus with my sport but as far as a career went I was working as a bouncer in a nightclub even though I have a masters degree.

So we decide that I'm going to go there for summer, as soon as I was home I got a second job and started to pull 100 hour weeks comprising of the day job, training, the 350mile round trip to work at the club each weekend etc. She also became very busy at work and although we kept in touch as much as possible after around 6 weeks I started to wonder if it was the right thing etc and started to talk to Rachel.

This continued for around a month until the point where I was in Sarah's home and confessed everything to her about re-contacting Rachel. Also when I first got to the state at the start of June things were quite distant and we weren't physically close.

Looking back I wish I had never started that contact again because I know now that it is simply Sarah I want.

So in June when I was there we decided I would come home early, we were sexual at times but I felt like I was pushing any kind of contact, hugs and everything else. The last week I was there was the best of the three, we just didn't focus on things and we had a great day out in the mountains, walked through a little town with ice cream and had an amazing dinner at night. There was no effort involved, it just flowed so easily.

After I got home we stayed in touch, talking most days and it was a little distant. We decided to be friends, but we never stopped talking, and we soon decided to see where we went. She told me she wasn't in the same place as I was so I held back a lot of the I Love You moments although at times we did share that feeling, and how we missed each other.

Throughout July and August we stayed in touch daily through text and phonecall. She started to get very busy at work and spent a week in DC and we didn't talk as much. Looking back this is where I began to start getting needy. Then at Labour Day she said she needed a break from us, that she was feeling very overwhelmed from the constant need for contact and that she feels like even though we said we would try to see where we went I just went back to 100% and wasn't taking her feeling into account. I tried to give her as much space as possible, but never really succeeded. Every few days I would text. She has been working 15 hours a day every day since labour day and two days ago told me that even though she didn't want to do this through text I had forced her to tell me that she didn't feel the same as I did. That she has no romantic feelings for me, that age is a factor, and doesn't think we could be us again.

I truly believe that her and I work but looking at who I am at the moment it is a far cry from the man she fell in love with. I'm moving to Colorado in December to go back to school with the view of staying full time and am trying to figure things out.

I'm not sure how to act towards her. This situation has made me look at myself in depth and I see the issues which could have contributed towards this happening.

I feel as if on one hand I shouldn't say a word to her until I go to sort things for school in November and then try to reconnect either on that trip or once I'm in Colorado living. The other thought in my mind is stay in touch every so often, but more as a friend. Make any contact positive and light hearted.

She says that there is nothing to go back and redo but I feel that as we never really did the whole dating thing cause of distance that we never gave things a proper shot.

I text her earlier today to saying the following "Hey, does me texting annoy you? Obviously things have changed and I'm not gonna chat as if they haven't. I've taken a step back to look at myself and realise that I've been quite negative recently so I'm taking steps to change that and better myself. I'd like to stay in touch as I would love to be in each others lives in a positive manner."

She read it twice but hasn't replied.

I understand that I need to look at this situation as a time for self improvement, hence starting to identify the issues I have which aren't positive and address them. I also know that if I am to have any chance of rekindling things with Sarah I need to back off and let her chill out as work is getting very hectic for her for the next few months, but also that she needs to see me change and realise that if we were to try again it could be a rewarding relationship and better than the first try.

I'm sure I've maybe missed something, but I can't think great atm and would love to hear your thoughts and get some advice on how to in time with her heart again.

Thanks
Ken

[Matix125]

I'm in somewhat of the same boat as you, pal. My ex whom we've actually never properly met and I broke up about a week ago. At the beginning of September she told me she needed to be alone and that work was going to be hectic for the upcoming months (she's entering a new field without experience). I felt like I became "needy" as well. She said she was just done and didn't care anymore. I'm sure distance was one part but I know deep inside us both that we still do care and it's difficult to reciprocate those feelings with one another through the distance.

Sometimes it's difficult to have a read on a girl. We look back as you say and "look at this situation as a time for self improvement." Sometimes we identify issues within ourselves that we believe affected any outcome. Regardless of this being true self reflection is important both within and without a relationship. Reflection builds character, confidence, and charisma. Reflection also allows us to not feel at fault for certain things our mind tricks us to believing. But that's love; individually built by individuals.

I don't think you should "change" who you are because you said "She reciprocated the feelings." You were you then, and staying yourself I believe is the best bet. That doesn't mean rule out all change. Consider reflections as an insight of change. Adapt yourself to the changes but don't change yourself. Furthermore, time will tell what holds for the future. Prioritize yourself, because if you are unable to prioritize yourself how will you prioritize someone you love? Things take time and patience is key. As cliche as it sounds, if it was meant to be then it will be. Hope this helps, I know how you're feeling.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

My ex whom we've actually never properly met and I broke up about a week ago.

Please slap yourself across the face.

[pcmaster]

My ex whom we've actually never properly met and I broke up about a week ago.

Please take the red pill !

[KNScotland]

When I say change I don't mean change myself completely, but I don't think I'm the same confident outgoing guy she fell for back in March. I look at myself atm as someone who has shown a side of themselves which isn't attractive, needy for contact even though she was busy with work. Selfish is probably a good way to describe it.

I think for me to have a chance of winning her back I need to work on the issues I have, being needy and selfish at times, impulsive and probably unreliable too (she said that if I couldn't give her space it makes her think if this was something big that she had said no to would I do it anyway). I got drunk the other night and ended up texting her friend with the message "How can I win Sarah's heart?", of course this annoyed Sarah so I firstly took responsibility for my actions and apologised to both her friend and Sarah herself.

Now I'm just trying to figure out how to go about things, firstly I don't want to contact her too much and annoy her but in the same vein I think it is important to try and build a rapport with her in a less emotional unstable way. Almost start out again really and show her without telling her I'm bettering myself and letting her trust me emotionally and hopefully have her open up to me emotionally again for when I move there.

[Matix125]

BackUpOrGetStng

Technology these days. There are plans.

[Matix125]

As my man Pythagoras once said, speak a lot in little words.

You were drunk, thinking about Sarah. You contacted her friend and she was annoyed. Firstly and you know don't do that again. Time can heal things. And even allow people to miss you. I think about 99% of my exes have always contacted me again at some point whether it be a week to years later. Good & bad... maybe.

Build a rapport by being yourself. I would say don't contact her for awhile even if you really want to. Occupy your mind even if you're distracted and stay busy. That's what the real word contends, right? Relationships don't involve people being together at every point, bends show up in roads.

As Andre 3000 says in the song Hey Ya

"You think you've got it
Oh, you think you've got it
But got it just don't get it
'Til there's nothing at all
We get together
Oh, we get together
But separate's always better when there's feelings involved"

There should not be any starting out again. That's impossible. We aren't chalkboards. However we are similar to computers. We can clear data even though it somewhat always remains cooped up somewhere in memory. Starting over means erasing everything. If you really want to push your boundaries and grow; you need to keep the minute problems and branch off of them in positive direction. Don't ever give up.

[Matix125]

Please take the red pill !

If she was okay with it, I'm fine to say it. I hope you're not trying to embarrass.

[KNScotland]

I just reach points where I can't stop thinking, I've been ok and then I cave like now when I called her. I asked if she was free to talk later, she wasn't sure and I asked if I was being an asshole with contacting her etc, she said that she thought she made herself clear. I just said I wasn't going to try and convince her, I just want to talk again to which she replied she'll call me after work.

I have no idea what I even want to say to her, it's like I just want to get things going positive again and be able to share things with her.

[Matix125]

Relax. You have to control your thoughts. Always expect for the worst. If she doesn't call you after work don't get yourself down. You need to stop thinking about this for now. Control urges. It seems the more you are trying for this the further apart it is becoming. Think happy and confident thoughts. Again if it is meant to be it will be.

Another thing, and although I've done it myself. Don't ask her if you are acting in a certain manner (i.e. an asshole about calling). It makes it seem that's how you are acting. It will implement ideas into her head. YOU are the only one who can make you feel how you want to feel. If you're feeling neglected, do something for yourself which automatically puts a focus back on you. Try doing that as a routine. It sounds to me like you're letting yourself feel down.

[KNScotland]

Yeah I actually thought about her not calling, if she doesn't then I'll leave things as they are ATM and get in touch before I go over in November to figure stuff out for school. I really think that work and me pushing has made her say she doesn't care anymore when there is something left. I need to show her without telling her that I can do the whole non-contact thing and live our lives apart. I believe together if given the chance we can have a better future but I just need to have her connect emotionally with me in time again.

[Agnus]

I think for me to have a chance of winning her back

Don't give up and you will surely get her. Women appreciate faithfulness and loyalty. But that can take a while. When I lived in Russia, I too had an older girlfriend in New York. By the time I managed to get to Canada, she was already dead. Should I be sorry? She tried to dump me many times. Her last attempt was the most successful, though.

[KNScotland]

Don't give up and you will surely get her. Women appreciate faithfulness and loyalty. But that can take a while. When I lived in Russia, I too had an older girlfriend in New York. By the time I managed to get to Canada, she was already dead. Should I be sorry? She tried to dump me many times. Her last attempt was the most successful, though.

??????????

[Valixy]

The distance, the difference of age, you contacting another woman and being 10 years yonger than her... This relationship wasn't meant to last. She does need someone of her age and if you can't believe her when she's telling you this then you really don't understand women over thirty.

Take it as an experience, learn from it and next time try to make things easier for yourself. Meet someone closer to you and of similar age. You'll only increase your possibilities of having a happy relationship because relationships are never easy and whenever there are big differences between people things tend to become too complicated in time.

Whatever you do, do not plan your life around this woman. Do not move to America hoping to reconquer her but because your reasons have nothing to do with her. Have the common sense to accept that it didn't work because of the distance and the age difference and move on. She is trying to do just that and you should respect her decision.

[Agnus]

??????????

Dude, when you are 35, you will want a schoolgirl. Let's be dirty pedophiles.