my gf still has feelings for her ex. what to do?

[livingthedream]

Hi there.

So it's been a while since i posted here, but this has always been a reliable place to turn when in need of some advice regarding relationship woes.

Basically my girlfriend of 1.5 years has recently made me aware of the fact that she still has feelings for her ex.

It's something that I've been aware of for a while now. For example, from the early days, she has always said "we can't go to this party, because my ex will be there and it will be really awkward" whenever there is a party or event that we want to go to but her ex is going to be there. Then from there, things have escalated. For example, a few weeks ago she accidentally moaned his name during sex. Another example: a few weeks ago she was getting ready to go to a party. i asked what she was doing for the night. she said she was going to party, but that as much as she would like me to come, i couldn't because her ex was going to be there, and it would be awkward. Then last night, she fell asleep before me (we live together) and she started sleeptalking...about how she still has feelings for her ex.

Anyways, i brought this up with her this morning, and she admitted that she does still have some feelings for him which she can't help, but that her feelings for him certainly do not compare to her feelings for me. She was in tears, telling me she was sorry, but that she couldn't help it, and that she is trying to move on, but can't seem to shake the thoughts/memories of him.

Its now at the point where I feel like his feelings come before mine (i.e. as per the time she didn't want me to come to the party because he was going to be there and it would be awkward) - it makes me feel second best, or that she's perhaps embarrassed about me, or ashamed of me.

I'm going to talk to her properly tonight when we get home from work, and I understand it's particularly hard for her, because he is a mutual friend from her small home town - so it's not like she can just get him out of her life and move on - but I'm thinking perhaps if she can't sort this shit out, then perhaps I should think about moving on.

The thing that gets me is that from previous conversations about him and their past relationship, she has always talked about how "it just didn't work out for them", that he had mental issues and was always really hard to be around (completely opposite things to our relationship, from my perspective!). But now all of a sudden she has feelings for him again.

I think either a) as is human nature, perhaps she is viewing her past relationship through rose coloured glasses (i.e only remembering the positive things/not remembering any of the negative things from her past relationship), or b) she is both embarrassed/ashamed of me and/or I am lacking something that he was able to provide in the relationship.

Is anyone out there able to offer any insight into this situation. She tells me that she loves me, and that I mean everything to her, and that she doesn't want this to affect our relationship - and truth be told she is a very honest, upfront, morally sound, no bullshit kind of person, so I don't think she's just buttering me up to make me feel better. But at what point do I call it quits and move on?

By the way, if its of any importance, we are both about 25 years old.

Many thanks in advance!

Love!

[bluesummer]

Hi there.


I think either a) as is human nature, perhaps she is viewing her past relationship through rose coloured glasses (i.e only remembering the positive things/not remembering any of the negative things from her past relationship),

I think you have a point right there. Maybe she needs some time to go explore that and realize what an idiot she's being.

I'm sorry, her 'feelings' for her ex are completely past a level which I would consider workable. I mean, she called out his name having sex with you?? Seriously?? Who has that little self control? I feel like you need to let her go and tell her to go work out her feelings and then MAYBE you can get back together if she can get her head together. It's great that she's up front and honest, but it still seems like she's doing little to remedy the situation. That tells me that you are not as high on her priority list as she'd lead you to believe.