i'm really hurting right now... please help me?

[shadower4]

So i've dreamed of having a girlfriend since i was in early high school but due to social anxiety it never happened. I'm 21 now. Just transferred to a college and live in dorms. Went to my first party with my room mate and when i got back to the dorms with a bunch of people this girl my room mate introduces me to says I"m hot and cut and why don't you come out with us more often. She asks my room mate if i will exchange numbers with her and i do. My room mate the next day introduced me to this girl down the hall who likes the same tv show i like, we talked a little and then later that night my room mate tells me she likes me. I had to choose which girl i was going to show interest in and i decided to go with the first one because she is extremely hot and i already had her phone number.I texted her and she asked me if i was going out with them tonight, i said yea. But at the party she aside from a flirty smile and hi she never says anything to me and i saw her at the party making out with some guy... The 2nd girl was with me the whole time, we talked and eventually got drunk and hung out the whole night, eventually went back to the dorms afterwards and she lost her key so she had to wait for her room mate to come back. I brought her to my room and we chatted till 4 am, she was so drunk she got undressed and was in her underwear and t shirt and she was soooo hot. The next party comes and i usually don't know when there is a gathering or anything but she came and knocked on my door telling me if i was coming like twice. I went out and she stayed by me the whole time and we talked and had a blast, most fun i've maybe ever had. I was going to tell her at the next party that i really like her and want a relationship with her, but.....the previous night , me and her went to watch that tv show we both like with a few other people and this guy was pretty touchy feely with her, i thought they were just friends and he was drunk , didn't think much of it. Well i find out she slept with him that night, so on the night where i was going to confess to her i found this out....... Everyone in the dorms were drinking and playing bear pong, she didn't cling to me this time , we saw each other a few times and she could telli was depressed and asked me if something was wrong, i faked a smile and said nothings wrong. She looked at me in a flirty ways a few times that night but that was it. I feel so crushed, i kept fantasizing what a relationship with her would be like,i was genuinely interested in her. I'm a virgin and i could so easily get with so many hot girls here, but.... i want a relationship but no one seems to want that.There is no way for me to find a relationship outside of the party scene, i've lived it my whole life, there is no way to even talk to girls. My emotions are so torn right now, god...I really liked her

[Benzariah]

Be patient. It seems to me that you need to gain confidence, not a girlfriend. After reading your post, you don`t seem as if you`re ready to be in a relationship. You should focus on your education as well as having fun rather than wanting to pursue a relationship with a girl. You have your whole life ahead of you to meet the right girl and build a relationship with her. For now, live life and enjoy being single. You can't let a girl get the best of you and learn how to be happy with yourself. When you see her around, or another girl, think nothing of it. Eventually, you will find a girl that you really like and a girl that is respectable. If you fall for anything and offer any girl to be in a relationship with you simply because of the fact that they are "hot" or due to desperation, you can potentially hurt yourself emotionally.

[TheEvilJester]

Shadower, you sound a lot like me. I most definitely feel your pain. Benzariah offers some great advice above me. However, I can speak from experience that this is easier said than done. I always found the whole "You have to love yourself before anybody else can love you" attitude to be a little bit misleading and unhelpful. How exactly does that help those of us who are low on self-esteem, or extremely shy? Might as well just tell those of us who are really shy "Gee... I dunno... just don't be shy." LOL!

It's funny. You don't meet too many guys who want a relationship rather than just a little fun. Was seriously starting to think I was the only one left... especially when I was your age. I agree with much of what Benzariah said, and one of those things is that you may not quite be ready for a relationship. Take if from a guy with experience. I wanted it pretty badly, but am kind of glad I didn't have a relationship until a little later than most. I don't think I would have really been ready.

Now, that isn't to say there is anything wrong with that being the ultimate goal. But, try to go out there and just have some fun. You don't even have to compromise your convictions, if you have strong ones against how far a relationship should go until it is serious. Just date a little and have some fun. Again, take it from me... Don't try to rush into relationship mode without taking some time to enjoy dating mode. You may wind up with somebody you thought was perfect for you who turns out to just be one great big lie.

The more you do it, the more confident you will become. That sounds like a load of BS. I know that from experience. But, it really is true. It is sort of something you have to get through on your own, and through experience. It will probably always be a work in progress. Hell, I still deal with it now. But, you can make improvements.

As for the two girls you liked, try to get a feel for their situation. Could be they just wanted to have fun with those other guys and aren't dating them or anything. That is pretty common in college. So, just the fact that you saw them hook up does not necessarily mean they are not available. Give it some time, hang out in the same circle of friends, and see if you can get a feel for if they seem to be in a relationship, or are just going out for fun. If they aren't attached to anybody, no reason you can't ask them out. Heck, then maybe you'd hit it off. You never know. Maybe a relationship would blossom. Either way, it will happen for you some day. That sounds like just a line, but trust me, it is true. Good luck!

[shadower4]

Shadower, you sound a lot like me. I most definitely feel your pain. Benzariah offers some great advice above me. However, I can speak from experience that this is easier said than done. I always found the whole "You have to love yourself before anybody else can love you" attitude to be a little bit misleading and unhelpful. How exactly does that help those of us who are low on self-esteem, or extremely shy? Might as well just tell those of us who are really shy "Gee... I dunno... just don't be shy." LOL!

It's funny. You don't meet too many guys who want a relationship rather than just a little fun. Was seriously starting to think I was the only one left... especially when I was your age. I agree with much of what Benzariah said, and one of those things is that you may not quite be ready for a relationship. Take if from a guy with experience. I wanted it pretty badly, but am kind of glad I didn't have a relationship until a little later than most. I don't think I would have really been ready.

Now, that isn't to say there is anything wrong with that being the ultimate goal. But, try to go out there and just have some fun. You don't even have to compromise your convictions, if you have strong ones against how far a relationship should go until it is serious. Just date a little and have some fun. Again, take it from me... Don't try to rush into relationship mode without taking some time to enjoy dating mode. You may wind up with somebody you thought was perfect for you who turns out to just be one great big lie.

The more you do it, the more confident you will become. That sounds like a load of BS. I know that from experience. But, it really is true. It is sort of something you have to get through on your own, and through experience. It will probably always be a work in progress. Hell, I still deal with it now. But, you can make improvements.

As for the two girls you liked, try to get a feel for their situation. Could be they just wanted to have fun with those other guys and aren't dating them or anything. That is pretty common in college. So, just the fact that you saw them hook up does not necessarily mean they are not available. Give it some time, hang out in the same circle of friends, and see if you can get a feel for if they seem to be in a relationship, or are just going out for fun. If they aren't attached to anybody, no reason you can't ask them out. Heck, then maybe you'd hit it off. You never know. Maybe a relationship would blossom. Either way, it will happen for you some day. That sounds like just a line, but trust me, it is true. Good luck!

I thought for the longest time that i have so much to offer to a relationship, that i would be the perfect boyfriend, but maybe you're right, maybe I'm still lacking in the social department. I just hate how alone i've felt my whole life and continue to feel, friendship is okay and can be fun at times but i just want that deeper level of companionship, I just feel so isolated, i spent most of high school and first 2 years of college with no one, i had no friends , nothing, my day consisted of school work , gym and computer and it's hurts me so damn much , i can't take it i feel like I'm in a prison. growing old and alone scares me more then anything because it hurts more then anything else i can think of physical or mental, at least to me anyhow, it hurts even worse during holidays and especially summer time when everyone goes to the beach and has fun on the boardwalk. I just don't know how to be happy alone, i tried everything to be happy alone and nothing works, countless hobbies and endeavors, i even stepped into a boxing ring and got my face punched in with no experience, sorry i'm rambling now. This empty feeling in me, this loneliness, i would do anything to get rid of it.

[mollymari]

Keep in mind you are a romantic and romantics in this day and age are true gems, rare and oh so special. Being a romantic risks opening the door on hurt. Bare this with pride. Hey, you could be some superficial guy who sleeps with many superficial girls but you are NOT. and thank goodness for that.
You'll find the right kind of girl when your not looking for or needing her. She will flow into your beautiful life naturally and nothing will tear you apart.
Be happy you are who you are. Gain some self love and respect; hold strong and wait for one who is worthy. Make them earn your affections.
Sounds like you have much to offer. Everything will be alright.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Bang the superficial ones while you wait for someone you actually care about.

[mollymari]

^'Bang'? gee, well mind that pelvic bone hey B.U.O.G.S???

[TheEvilJester]

I thought for the longest time that i have so much to offer to a relationship, that i would be the perfect boyfriend, but maybe you're right, maybe I'm still lacking in the social department. I just hate how alone i've felt my whole life and continue to feel, friendship is okay and can be fun at times but i just want that deeper level of companionship, I just feel so isolated, i spent most of high school and first 2 years of college with no one, i had no friends , nothing, my day consisted of school work , gym and computer and it's hurts me so damn much , i can't take it i feel like I'm in a prison. growing old and alone scares me more then anything because it hurts more then anything else i can think of physical or mental, at least to me anyhow, it hurts even worse during holidays and especially summer time when everyone goes to the beach and has fun on the boardwalk. I just don't know how to be happy alone, i tried everything to be happy alone and nothing works, countless hobbies and endeavors, i even stepped into a boxing ring and got my face punched in with no experience, sorry i'm rambling now. This empty feeling in me, this loneliness, i would do anything to get rid of it.

Hold the phone there, good buddy. I think you slightly misunderstood me. The problem isn't necessarily that you are lacking anything. I don't know you well enough to make that judgment. The problem is just that you do not seem to think very highly of yourself. As hard as it can be, you can't let that have too big an effect on how you act around others, especially when trying to date. As I've said, people like to think they are being helpful when they give you advice that basically sums up to be "Try not to be so shy," or "Nobody can love you if you can't love yourself." That really doesn't help at all. Getting over shyness is not just a flip of the switch kind of thing. And what if a big part of why you don't love yourself is because nobody else seems to love you? Or worse, like was the case with me (and sounds like for you as well) I had both a low self-esteem and was too shy to reach out to people..... So I didn't have a lot of friends and never really talked to girls.... So I felt even more unloved and even more so shy.... so I found it even harder to talk to people, and especially girls. It is a vicious cycle that I don't think people get if they aren't like us.

The only thing you can really do is to slowly just force yourself to get out there. Start slow and build up to it. But, most importantly, keep the thoughts brought on by your low self-esteem in your own head. Otherwise it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You were on the right track as far as hobbies and stuff like that. But, try to find some social hobbies you will enjoy. That will be a good ice breaker. Plus, the really cool thing about that is there are plenty of people who are very out-going. Without even knowing they are doing it, they will reach out to you and wind up helping you become less shy, little by little.

I know it does sound like just a line, but take it from somebody who has been there... It does get easier. For guys like us, our shyness will never completely go away, and our self-esteem will never be very strong. But it does get better. Honestly, though, I sometimes think extreme shyness is one way life helps to drive us towards the friends and eventually significant other we are supposed to have. Because the long journey we take in getting to things others take for granted mean that we skip over a lot of the bull crap and petty drama a lot of people go through in life, and wind up with the true genuine people who deserve to be a part of our life. Granted, we still get our fair share of jerks in life, but we also get friendships and relationships that last a lifetime.

The MOST important thing to remember, though, is this....

No matter how low you make think of yourself... DO NOT settle for just any relationship just because you don't think you could ever get any other. Again, take it from a guy with experience in the situation. NO relationship is better than being stuck in a bad one.

[FAndrews]

You have my sympathies mate, I'm a little older and i am going through a similar situation for my entire life and i understand what you are going through. my best advice i can give you, is hold in there and never give up. and by the way its nice to hear of a fellow romantic bloke out there you are not alone! and from the sound of it those women weren't worth the trouble.

[Empty Road]

Bang the superficial ones while you wait for someone you actually care about.

This is actually the best advice for you. You had a chance to sleep with her when she's was in her underwear but you play Mr. nice guy and now you got burn. Most girls do want a great guy like you, but they also prefer a stud, a guy who has options and experience. We live in a strange time right now that sex can come before relationship so don't think you are a bad guy if you switch it around.

[searock]

I think you should enjoy your party days and sleep around with girls you're attracted to. Just make sure that neither you or them are drunk, that everybody is 100% consenting, and that you use protection every single time. There will be plenty of time for you to get into a serious long-term relationship. Take it easy for now, there's no rush and you will mature and change a lot during these 4-5 years... focus on your education and take your time to become an adult, then you will be ready for serious relationships :-).