Women who I think like or sort of like me bring up other men around me?

[RobertWQ]

I'm hoping you can help me understand what is going on here. A little background, I am a post-baccalaureate student who is returning to college for some science pre-req courses, so I am a little older than both of these girls, who are my lab partners in Biology and Chemistry respectively.



First girl: This is the girl I am most into. Early on in the lab class she emailed me because our other group members were not doing the work, and told me she wanted to prove that she could do her part, and since then she really has and I like that a lot. This girl is kind of a "diamond" so to speak amongst her peers.

Now, I get the impression that this girl likes me, but because she is younger, and also asian, I sometimes feel I have a difficult time reading her.



One curious behavior is that she will repeatedly bring up another guy when I'm with her. Literally or in speech. Here's an example:

We had to work on a presentation together last week. Although there are three in our group, we planned to meet just the two of us. So I get to the library and she comes in. She's dressed up really nice, IMO like you would be on a date, makeup etc. We go and sit down, she hands me her phone to show me a picture, we're talking, sitting next to each other, she's giving me big smiles ...

... and then about half an hour into it this guy shows up with a McDonalds bag and gives it to her. He introduces himself by name, NOT as her boyfriend, and then sits at the next table. I'm like 'WTF,' so as soon as we finish what we need on our project, I leave.

Fast forward to yesterday. The day of our presentation. She shows up, she has her hands full. She happens in conversation to say "that guy you met is who gave me a ride." She doesn't call him her boyfriend, and I don't know if he is.

Then because she has her hands full I carry her coat. While I'm doing this nice thing, she says "I wish Christian were here presenting with us" (another male group member who was absent). I'm like "Ok whatever."

But she seems into me, from how she acts (big smiles, etc.)





Now the girl from Chemistry. This girl too is from another culture (she is from a country on the Horn of Africa, and immigrated when she was younger).


She seems like she may or may not like me. She walks with me after class and tried to get me to join this pre-health group with her a few weeks ago. However, she also mentions our TA, who is a guy I think girls would probably like, to me in a way that seems like she's doing it on purpose to either mess with me or tell me something.

Today after class we were walking and I was asking her about the food they have in her home country. She said there is actually a restaurant that serves that food, and it is in XXX city, where she lives and where we had discussed previously is near where I live as well. I thought this might be a hint to invite her to the restaurant, but because I am not sure if she actually likes me, and we have to work together still, I didnt. Then she is showing me pictures of food on her phone. Finally, I say something I guess she found kind of odd ("Is there a dish you'd recommend in particular?"), and she's like "Oh I want to take a picture of this poster on the wall real quick, my boyfriend will want to see this."

She never brought up a boyfriend before, and at that point I was ready to just walk away. But I thought that might be a bit rude so we kept walking, and I was kind of half paying responding to what she was saying, and then she's like 'Hey if you're taking Bio II next semester, I'll give you my book, it will help you get ready ahead of time." I told her that was nice of her and certainly I would take the book, but at this point I was still annoyed or writing it off because she brought up the boyfriend. Then as I was walking off she's like "Email me to remind me to bring it." And I said I would.

So obviously the same thing is happening here with both of these women. They keep bringing up other guys when I'm around them, or in the first girl's case, another guy actually shows up about 30 minutes into our "study period" ....

So what is going on? I can think of a few possibilities:



1. They are bringing the guys up because they are not interested.


2. They are bringing the guys up to make me jealous / show they are desired / have other men.


3. They are using me for attention and bring the guys up for reason #1.


Because of this I have been about ready to close the book on both situations because there are other girls whom I can read better and I can tell like me. However, I like these girls because they are different in many positive ways, and also both (especially the first) have a lot of potential and significant goals.


Thoughts?

Thanks.

[basilandthyme]

Girl number 2 was letting you know that she has a boyfriend and is not available.

There is a 4th option for girl number 1: She has friends who are boys. I know of no etiquette which says a girl shouldn't mention that she has male friends or even have a male friend drop some food in for her. If you want to know more about what's going on with her, just ask if she has a boyfriend. If not, ask if she wants to go on a date with you (unless of course you'd get bent out of shape if she mentions a male friend)

Wondering why the scenarios you considered are all so negative and cynical.

Edited to add: your questions about girl number 1 could have been answered with a bit of basic communication. For example, instead of sitting and thinking WTF when the guy brought food, you could *nicely* spoken with him and found out who he is and how they know each other. Likewise, when she mentioned Christian, instead of being like "Ok,whatever", you could have asked about Christian. I think your lack of communication skills is really holding you back.

[RyanJames]

As a quick practical solution to this sort of situation, I always tease girls who I find attractive that they are doing x behaviour because they fancy me. So for example, when girls 1 said she wanted to do her part I would have jokingly said "hey its no good trying to impress me with your intelligence, I'm a guy, we only respond to flirting" or something like that. You have to be careful in the workplace and tune it appropriately so you can't be fired or whatever, but this sort of thing lets girls know that you would be open to her attentions but that she has to work hard and be clear about it to get your interest. It gives you instant value in her mind and gives her the opportunity to flirt back or not - this tells you if she is into you or not.

Another thing you can do is to talk about past girlfriends, just a little and in a positive, funny way. Like, "omg that reminds me of the time I had to rescue my ex's cat when I got stuck in a tree with only by shorts on!" any silly story that lets them know you are single and have had a gf in the past. If they are interested then they will start asking (in a discreet way) all the standard questions, they want to know how old you are, what you do for a living, where you live, what sort of car you drive, about your family - all these interview questions. I think both girls were interested in you but because you are not upping the flirtation, they are losing interest and moving on. Strike while the iron is hot!

[RobertWQ]

Girl number 2 was letting you know that she has a boyfriend and is not available.

There is a 4th option for girl number 1: She has friends who are boys. I know of no etiquette which says a girl shouldn't mention that she has male friends or even have a male friend drop some food in for her. If you want to know more about what's going on with her, just ask if she has a boyfriend. If not, ask if she wants to go on a date with you (unless of course you'd get bent out of shape if she mentions a male friend)

Wondering why the scenarios you considered are all so negative and cynical.

Edited to add: your questions about girl number 1 could have been answered with a bit of basic communication. For example, instead of sitting and thinking WTF when the guy brought food, you could *nicely* spoken with him and found out who he is and how they know each other. Likewise, when she mentioned Christian, instead of being like "Ok,whatever", you could have asked about Christian. I think your lack of communication skills is really holding you back.

If that is what girl 2 is doing, why does she persist with stuff like walking with me after class, offering to give me her school book for free (out of the nowhere), and asking me to email her? What is, realistically the point of someone you don't know that well doing those things?

Also, since this girl and I have been talking every week in Chem for about 3 hours, plus her giving me her email, plus her asking me to join a pre-health group with her, plus doing the above ... and yet NEVER before mentioning a boyfriend?

Your analysis either assumes this girl is stupid, so that she doesn't see what's going on and think "Oh, maybe I should make clear I have a boyfriend," or that she is so innocent or something that she only just today realized that she should mention she has a boyfriend. Neither explanation makes sense, and your entire post assigns a level of innocent intent on the part of women toward men that just isn't realistic. Most women aren't dumb, they know what is going on when a guy is talking to them and when they are walking with a guy and giving him their email, etc.


As far as the rest, I can tell when a girl is bringing up a guy strategically ... if a girl I could tell was interested in me was carrying my coat to be nice I wouldn't be like "Oh I wish so and so girl were here with us!" Other than for the reasons I elaborated. Don't insult my intelligence or that of these women by acting like this behavior is all random and guileless.

[RobertWQ]

As a quick practical solution to this sort of situation, I always tease girls who I find attractive that they are doing x behaviour because they fancy me. So for example, when girls 1 said she wanted to do her part I would have jokingly said "hey its no good trying to impress me with your intelligence, I'm a guy, we only respond to flirting" or something like that. You have to be careful in the workplace and tune it appropriately so you can't be fired or whatever, but this sort of thing lets girls know that you would be open to her attentions but that she has to work hard and be clear about it to get your interest. It gives you instant value in her mind and gives her the opportunity to flirt back or not - this tells you if she is into you or not.

Another thing you can do is to talk about past girlfriends, just a little and in a positive, funny way. Like, "omg that reminds me of the time I had to rescue my ex's cat when I got stuck in a tree with only by shorts on!" any silly story that lets them know you are single and have had a gf in the past. If they are interested then they will start asking (in a discreet way) all the standard questions, they want to know how old you are, what you do for a living, where you live, what sort of car you drive, about your family - all these interview questions. I think both girls were interested in you but because you are not upping the flirtation, they are losing interest and moving on. Strike while the iron is hot!

Thank you for the reply.

So you disagree that girl 2 is telling me she has a boyfriend simply to let me know she's not available? I'd like to know why she didn't mention him for the last four+ weeks, when she was inviting me to her pre-health group and walking with me there, when she gave me her email, when she talked for 3 hours each class period discussing various topics, when we were walking after class on numerous days ... all that time and just never had a reason to bring up the bf, huh?

[basilandthyme]

Thank you for the reply.

So you disagree that girl 2 is telling me she has a boyfriend simply to let me know she's not available? I'd like to know why she didn't mention him for the last four+ weeks, when she was inviting me to her pre-health group and walking with me there, when she gave me her email, when she talked for 3 hours each class period discussing various topics, when we were walking after class on numerous days ... all that time and just never had a reason to bring up the bf, huh?

The response I gave was based on the information you gave. If you want a better response, try giving the whole story, huh?

Based on the further information, she could well have made him up so that you know she doesn't want you to ask her out.

[RobertWQ]

You seem to want to pick the most pessimistic explanation. The other guy had no trouble analyzing it differently. People on the internet can be so annoying. Explain then why she keeps going out of her way to do stuff like ask me if I'd like her book from last semester, asking me to email her, walking with me after class, etc.

[xkandakex]

So here's my analysis of these two girls.

"Asian Girl": She likes to keep her relationship options wide open. This is normal behavior. She does like to have you around, but then again, she likes to have lots of guys around since she sees them as useful. I mean, come on, she's got guys driving her around, bringing her food, helping her study and carrying her stuff. She's a 'princess'. Serve me, man servants! Having several Asian girlfriends myself, I can tell you, 5 out of 6 of them are princesses, like they expect the world to wait for them. Not to perpetuate stereotypes, but that's just how they are. If you want to pursue her, go for it, but don't expect her to pay much attention to you. Also, take her dressing and makeup habits with a grain of salt. She's not doing it to look good for you, she's doing it for herself. She loves the attention she gets when she looks good.

"Horn of Africa Girl": She's much more down-to-Earth. Yes, she likes you. She was trying to drop hints all over the place, but it sounds like you repeatedly dropped the ball. Most guys are horrible at taking hints, but that's how women communicate: indirectly. If a girl invites you to do something, take the invite. If she talks about a restaurant she likes, take her out to dinner. This is a woman's way of asking a man out. As for her 'boyfriend', one of two things are going on. She is currently in a relationship that she does not like and is looking to break it off - but only if she can find a better one. Or, she is bluffing in order to make you jealous and get your attention. Either way, she wants your attention. If you do indeed like her enough to start a relationship, then give her the attention she's been asking for. With this girl, you will need to take the initiative.

So really, take your pick depending on what sort of relationship you'd be more into. They're both interested in you.

[basilandthyme]

You seem to want to pick the most pessimistic explanation. The other guy had no trouble analyzing it differently. People on the internet can be so annoying. Explain then why she keeps going out of her way to do stuff like ask me if I'd like her book from last semester, asking me to email her, walking with me after class, etc.

Sigh....giving ALL the story upfront would have been really helpful. Perhaps she has a crush on you. People who are in relationships do have crushes from time to time.

So from here; You can either respect that she has a boyfriend and back off or give her a push and see what happens.

[smackie9]

I remember this thread from like last year.......you a troll or something?

[RobertWQ]

You don't remember this thread from last year because you are remembering incorrectly, as I have never posted on this forum before. Your forum bullying is unwelcome in this thread and my suggestion is to go elsewhere to pick on someone (or don't).

[RyanJames]

Thank you for the reply.

So you disagree that girl 2 is telling me she has a boyfriend simply to let me know she's not available? I'd like to know why she didn't mention him for the last four+ weeks, when she was inviting me to her pre-health group and walking with me there, when she gave me her email, when she talked for 3 hours each class period discussing various topics, when we were walking after class on numerous days ... all that time and just never had a reason to bring up the bf, huh?

She may not have had a bf till the day before that conversation, really it doesnt matter, when it comes to relationships people either like each other enough to get into something or they dont, so what matters is to facilitate enough openness and communication to figure it out and get on with it. What would be wrong with openly flirting with these girls or even asking them directly if they have a bf, because you would like to take them out on a date? If they are interested and available then they will say yes and if not they will say no and either way you can stop having to worry about it.

By the way, I have a huge amount of respect for the folks who have taken the time to respond to you on this post, sure some of their responses could maybe have been a little less accusatory, however your reaction has been a little sharp and defensive, especially to B&T. We forge the world we exist in and personally I like to keep things polite, honest and respectful, I hope everyone in this topic can play nice and be constructive.

What is interesting here is what your defensive reaction reveals about you and how that might be affecting your ability to relate to these girls on a level that would be constructive towards having clarity about the situation. I was out to dinner with 2 girls and a guy yesterday, I had set it up in order to introduce him to the girls. He was quite shy and had a little defensiveness about him which made it difficult for him to be relaxed around the girls, so he ended up saying some things that took him from "in with a chance" to "on the doubtful list".This was a shame because these girls are genuinely nice, intelligent and open for relationships - when I met one of them I was able to get her phone number between ground floor and floor 5 of an elevator journey and I have had many discussions with her about her desire to meet a nice guy. The guy at dinner is a nice guy, heart of gold, as I suspect you do too (otherwise you would not be so concerned about the girls' feelings) so I wonder if it is shyness or pride that is blocking you as it is for my friend.

BTW just to be clear, I am not having a dig at anyone or trying to insult anyone here, I really just want to be helpful and for everyone to get on

[RobertWQ]

You can only read so much into someone or a situation from a few paragraphs.

Part of this has to do with the fact that I work with both of these women on a weekly basis in lab, and you know what they say about mixing business and pleasure. For now, my grade is more important than furthering romance. I figure that if either girl is interested enough, they will agree to get together with me for coffee / dinner after finals. Until then though things have to be a little more subtle so the working relationship is not disrupted too much.

[Boisdevie]

You don't remember this thread from last year because you are remembering incorrectly, as I have never posted on this forum before. Your forum bullying is unwelcome in this thread and my suggestion is to go elsewhere to pick on someone (or don't).

Listen pal, Smackie's comment wasn't bullying. Here on this forum I'm sure we can do bullying way better than that. And Smackie has a good track record in insightful replies so back off with the 'boohoo, you're not being nice to me' bullshit.

[RobertWQ]

Perhaps both of you should find another thread to post productive replies in.