Question about bringing up the death of a best friend I was in love with

[randomguy85]

I've started talking to this girl recently.
I really like her. She really likes me.
I have this thing I want to bring up what is in the subject in conversation with her, but I honestly can't talk about her without just losing it and just balling.

It's a "baggage" that I have.
My best friend died of cancer in 2010 and we were both in love with each other. I never said anything to her because for one, I was a p*ssy and didn't say anything and she was my best friend, didn't want to take any chance of losing that. She pretty much didn't say anything to me because of that. A mutual friend told me this after her death.

How do I bring this up to a new girl that I really like and could see a future with?
This girl I felt like was, the one.

I feel the need to bring it up because it's a big part of my life and I want her to know. I want to be honest.
I don't want to scare this new girl off, but I want to be honest with her.
Do I wait till further in the relationship? Do I just leave it in the past?
I really just need some advice on this? What do I say? It's something I've thought about a lot because it CAN be a deal breaker IMO.

My only thought is, if she really likes me, she can look past it.
This is something I will NEVER get over. I think about my best friend every single day.

[smackie9]

There is nothing wrong with mentioning what happened to your friend (remember you WERE just friends), just don't talk about your intimate feelings for her....that you can keep to yourself. There is no need to tell her about that part.

Deal breaker, well not really but it would put a damper on the romance.....she will be asking you down the road if you still are in love with her...it will get worse as her feelings grow for you. She will feel like she is competing for you. That's not really fair. Just because you are going into a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to tell them everything.

And btw yes you will get over this as you move on to other things and relationships in your life. Just have to remember it's ok to let go.

[Boisdevie]

Why not just be honest with her? If she takes it badly then perhaps she's not as nice as she seems and isn't worth your effort.

[smackie9]

....from her perspective it would mean he isn't emotionally available for a relationship yet and it would be disheartening. I don't think it would be mean she didn't care if she declined a relationship at this time.....more like the opposite.

[randomguy85]

Thanks for the quick replies.

This is literately the first girl I've had romantic feelings for since her passing. I'm hoping that if we do decide to take the next step in our relationship that my feelings for my best friend fade away. More like directing my love towards another woman.

[randomguy85]

Why not just be honest with her? If she takes it badly then perhaps she's not as nice as she seems and isn't worth your effort.

In other conversations I've told her about the death of my best friend, but I said it in a nonchalant way.
I'm sure down the road as she gains more interest in me that she will ask more about her. I don't even think she knows my best friend was a girl at this time.
Only reason I brought her up, because I don't talk about her a lot, even to my other close friends and family, is because I told her I've been doing BJJ for 5 years but didn't train for 1.5 years after she died.

[randomguy85]

There is nothing wrong with mentioning what happened to your friend (remember you WERE just friends), just don't talk about your intimate feelings for her....that you can keep to yourself. There is no need to tell her about that part.

Deal breaker, well not really but it would put a damper on the romance.....she will be asking you down the road if you still are in love with her...it will get worse as her feelings grow for you. She will feel like she is competing for you. That's not really fair. Just because you are going into a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to tell them everything.

And btw yes you will get over this as you move on to other things and relationships in your life. Just have to remember it's ok to let go.

I don't know if 3 years is long enough for me to let go just yet. Hell, I stopped listening to a certain music group because I will lose it if I do.
Like my last post, hopefully as my feelings grown for this girl, my feelings for my best friend will fade.

We are still in the first stage of a relationship anyway, so this is not something that needs to be said now. This is just the first time I feel something for another girl since her passing.

I have a lot of regret as well for not saying anything to her while she was healthy, and definitively wasn't going to say anything while she was getting more sick.
Thought about seeing a psychologist over it.

[randomguy85]

....from her perspective it would mean he isn't emotionally available for a relationship yet and it would be disheartening. I don't think it would be mean she didn't care if she declined a relationship at this time.....more like the opposite.

She just got out of a long term relationship so she may not even be emotionally "there" yet either.

[Boisdevie]

I'm hoping that if we do decide to take the next step in our relationship that my feelings for my best friend fade away. More like directing my love towards another woman.

On second thoughts it sounds like you're not ready for a relationship. And it's a bit dishonest starting something with a new woman in the hope that somehow your feelings for the woman who died will fade.

[randomguy85]

On second thoughts it sounds like you're not ready for a relationship. And it's a bit dishonest starting something with a new woman in the hope that somehow your feelings for the woman who died will fade.

I know. I don't want to be unfair to her or myself.
This is why I'd want to tell her. I just don't know how to bring that up. Also don't know when in the relationships I should say something THAT personal.
If I start bringing the world "love" into a relationship that early, whether it be me loving her or speaking about a past love, I'm afraid it would scare her off.

[DalM0m]

How new is the new girl?

It sounds a little like you aren't over your friend who passed. If you aren't ready to move on, don't waste the new woman's time.

I will share this with you. 6 weeks after I started dating the man who is now my husband my EX died suddenly & tragically. I found out the morning after it happened. I was devastated & forgot to call my then new BF to cancel our date for that night. When he showed up that evening to pick me up, he found me lying on my living room floor, still in my PJs balling my eyes out. I had to tell him what was going on. I said that although I didn't want my EX back I did want him to be alive. This was the moment I fell in love with my husband because he cradled me in his arms, assured me that he had broad shoulder which I could cry all over & said that he'd be more concerned if I wasn't touched by the death of someone I used to love.

Our story worked because I wasn't pining for the EX. If you are, you may not yet be ready for a new relationship. Everyone's grief is different.

[smackie9]

I totally understand when you lose someone there is a lot of guilt that follows..... you are beating yourself up with regret because you didn't express your feelings for her. That is what is keeping you hanging on. In a way you feel guilty for wanting to move on am I right? You will not forget her and what she meant to you....and I'm sure she would want you to be happily in a new relationship.

[randomguy85]

How new is the new girl?

It sounds a little like you aren't over your friend who passed. If you aren't ready to move on, don't waste the new woman's time.

I will share this with you. 6 weeks after I started dating the man who is now my husband my EX died suddenly & tragically. I found out the morning after it happened. I was devastated & forgot to call my then new BF to cancel our date for that night. When he showed up that evening to pick me up, he found me lying on my living room floor, still in my PJs balling my eyes out. I had to tell him what was going on. I said that although I didn't want my EX back I did want him to be alive. This was the moment I fell in love with my husband because he cradled me in his arms, assured me that he had broad shoulder which I could cry all over & said that he'd be more concerned if I wasn't touched by the death of someone I used to love.

Our story worked because I wasn't pining for the EX. If you are, you may not yet be ready for a new relationship. Everyone's grief is different.

Almost 3 weeks.
I really really like this girl. First girl I've had feelings for since my friends passing, so I don't want to pass on it. I am a contractor and live almost 5 hours away from her, but just during the week. I'm back almost every weekend and every other weekend I'm down for 4 nights. I don't like the idea of a LDR but I'm willing to try. I just wan't to move on with my life.
I think I'm gonna tell her a little bit about my best friend's passing, and let her be the one that asks more. If she doesn't ask for more then she either A, isn't too interested in me. Or B, she doesn't want to know too much yet...or something like that, haha.
Who knows...she may be using me for a rebound haha.
We've had sex. We've both said to each other that we liked each other before sex, days before the first time we had sex.

I totally understand when you lose someone there is a lot of guilt that follows..... you are beating yourself up with regret because you didn't express your feelings for her. That is what is keeping you hanging on. In a way you feel guilty for wanting to move on am I right? You will not forget her and what she meant to you....and I'm sure she would want you to be happily in a new relationship.

I have a lot of guilt over it. I was living in the Northeast for work the whole time she was sick(she was down south). We still talked and all but I didn't get to see her enough. I flew down before she passed and was right next to her for the last 40 hours of her life, holding her hand. It was easily the worst day of my life. Obviously hers, and her parents and all that too. But I was a really traumatic experience for me since I couldn't be there physically for her. I know I have guilt, regret, and everything. I know that she knew understood but it's something that is gonna stick with me for the rest of my life.
So yes, I do want to move on, but I can't get over that guilt, yet.


I'm gonna keep going with it. We really click and it feels good to have someone in my life that I have interest in, even if it's brand new.
Like I've said, were gonna take this slow, because I know she's probably still hurting a bit as well.


Sorry for the grammar. I'm working and am very busy. Just wanted to take a break and reply.

[glitter_bug]

Sorry about your best friend randomguy85.

I lost my boyfriend in a fatal car accident. He was the most giving and respectful person, didn't have a cruel bone in his body. I'll never have that with anyone else.

If this new girl can't respect what you say and oversteps the boundary in any way, she's not worth it.

[smackie9]

I think I'm gonna tell her a little bit about my best friend's passing, and let her be the one that asks more. If she doesn't ask for more then she either A, isn't too interested in me. Or B, she doesn't want to know too much yet...or something like that, haha.

Death/the passing of someone close, is a sensitive subject. If she doesn't ask too much about it, she is doing it out of respect and doesn't want to pry because it's too personal. She will probably let you tell her more when you feel more comfortable doing so.

Me personally find it way too early to bring up something this personal. I met a guy years ago that I really liked and was considering dating him until he started talking about real personal emotional things that happened to him growing up......it turned me off. It ended promptly.....