No Contact or keep reaching out? Confused as to how we got to this point...

[ElizabethStrong]

Hello– Haven’t had a chance to read much yet, but you all seem very kind and supportive, and I need some support and advice.

My boyfriend "B" broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We’re not super young or inexperienced- both divorced, in our early 40s, each with kids. Not the first relationship after marriage for either of us, both divorces were 3-4 years ago.

We were only together for 6 months but (and yes, I'm sure you've heard this before...) it felt more like a couple years. He started off a little faster than I was ready for, initially. But I fell in love with him, and - initiated always by him- we had discussed *eventually* getting married and a future together. He was always the one who brought these things up at first, which is important to the story. And - although none of you know me, trust me when I say that I do not take risks or lose my heart to people easily. I'm not a Pollyanna and didn't really believe in soulmates til I met him. But let me be clear: I believe we were meant to be together and up until recently, he did, too. My goal is to try my best to get him back, or to know that I did everything in my power to strive for that- and not have any regrets left. Now I need to know what to do about that...

I noticed (and discussed with my therapist, etc) that from a few months into the relationship, B overreacted at a few things I did (e.g., wanting space - I need alone time). From his description of his marriage, I suspected that he was still grappling with issues from her- and although he'd worked on them a lot and it was years in the past- that it was kind of emerging with me for some reason. It was an emotionally abusive situation he stayed in way too long. I brought this up with him and he discussed in therapy and they concluded that yes, he was having issues resurface that he'd not completely dealt with, and that the reason they were coming up now was because he was finally with someone safe enough (me) for him to address them. Which I was ready to hang in for.

But overall, things were great. I've never let my 6-year old get close to any man since my divorce, until B. After a few months, he was the one who initiated bringing our kids together and we did things as a family. He loves my daughter and has been wonderful with her. And I would never have done this had we not talked about a serious future together (again, please try to put aside the 6 months- at the risk of sounding trite, we developed a very deep relationship during that time.) He didn't seem unable to commit- it was me who was slower and more cautious – he was all in from Day 1… and it never ever slowed down. People were shocked he broke things off because he demonstrated over and over, in actions and words, how in love with me he was... Pretty much right up until the end.

It didn't come out of nowhere- we'd had a few discussions of things he was frustrated about- but it was like he just lost it one day after I'd been out of town (he always had a hard time with not seeing me for multiple days in a row) and decided that he couldn't deal with the (relatively small) issues. He sounded angry- and it literally came out of the blue. His initial reason for breaking up with me was that I wasn't doing enough driving and meal prep. We live 45 min away and he'd always told me it was no big deal that he mostly drove to me and he always was offering to figure out dinner, and I let him. So I screwed up by not being more sensitive, but admitted that and was willing to take on more of an equal share. But it didn't seem to be something to break up over. No, I am as certain as I can be that there is not someone else, btw.

After a week, he wanted to talk. We had a few phone conversations over a couple weeks and finally saw each other. He admitted to some long-standing stuff that obviously was contributing to his (what I now realized) deep fear around our relationship. He told me his missed me and loved me and the fact that he'd "gone dark" and was not acting emotional was his attempt at protecting himself (he's a very emotional guy- more like a girl, actually - which has its good and bad sides). Over the next few weeks I gently reached out a few times, sending him an email from time to time reminding him of all that we'd had - it was very confusing to me that HE, always the pursuer, the one putting 110% into the relationship, driving towards a life together, decided to break things off. And he would text me - mostly he contacted me.

I gave him space to talk to his family, his friends, his therapist, all of whom had either met or heard about me for the past 6 months and questioned what the hell was wrong with him when he'd been so happy with me? He initiated conversations like "what if we tried again- should we go to counselling? How do we let go of the hurt?" etc. He mentioned again how he still saw us having a future together, how much he misses getting our kids together for dinner every Sunday night. I suggested counselling, pointed out some communication work we needed, said how I would step up on the things he was bothered by. I got my hopes up several times because of the way he was talking- but twice he told me abruptly "I can't do this". He admitted finally that he was terrified, that he couldn't "fail again" (his divorce) and that he knew his fears had much more to do with him and his past than me. That he'd ignored warning signs with his ex and almost been destroyed by that. I encouraged him to see his therapist and talk about this, and maybe once a week I'd send him an email with memories of our time together, etc. Then he'd want to see me. And he was ok with me seeing his boys again (I suggested not, but he insisted, which made me think he was serious about getting back together- otherwise, why involve the kids?) The things he was saying and doing swung back and forth, like he was fighting with himself, his demons, and his love for me. But I felt by showing him what he was giving up through the emails (and other than that, I didn't beg, plead, etc.- I just quietly showed up and told him I wasn't ready to give up), he responded. He (has abandonment issues) said no one had ever "fought for him" like that, ever. That I'd made him feel he could be more than he ever thought, etc. But he was still scared.

Since his relationship fears have resurfaced since I came into the picture, I feel like I’m being punished for them. I know also I’m the first person since his divorce that has had any real potential for him (according to him)- so maybe the others didn't trigger this kid of thing. He said I was the one and he's not someone who says something like that lightly. And I'm pissed that he's letting his issues get in his way (I've got some too, but damn if I'm not going to grab on to something like this - How often does someone so good for you come into your life?) how dare he not grab this chance, when he admits he will probably regret ending things with me and most of us never ever get this kind of chance in their lives? How often do you say you have a great girlfriend who fits and accepts you in every way and in the ways she doesn’t, she is willing to put forth effort cheerfully and acknowledge she needs to make some changes, and/or go to therapy together (which I think every couple should do) to discuss any other issues? Who is willing to wait while you get your s**t together and work on it with you?? I’ve got enough experience to know that no one is perfect. You choose someone you love being with and are good friends with, despite their imperfections (which you decide ahead of time you can work with or accept) and then you go to work- together- to keep it good and improve it. HOW CAN HE NOT GRAB ONTO WHAT WE HAVE LIKE I’M READY TO??? Since he admits I’m so good for him….?

The only other clue that I have, other than him admitting he's getting in his own way, is that he told me that he has had a problem seeing me hurt- that when I've gotten down about something, he wanted to fix it so badly that he felt like he got dragged down too, and that was a place he didn't want to go- former depression, etc. Then he told me that I'm a "glass half empty" person (not true, although he did meet me during what has proven to be a challenging year personally--). I pointed out that I've felt that way too- that all of us do when we care about someone and that it's not unique to a relationship with ME. He agreed... But... then last week, after flip-flopping about wanting to see me twice, he called me and asked me to stop sending my "reminder" emails because they were too heart-wrenching for him, too upsetting. That he hadn't changed his mind yet, but that he might in the future. That if we're meant to be, we'll eventually end up together (god that hurts to hear-- and he didn't sound very convinced- I think he's just wary of getting my hopes up, even though he's done that repeatedly). And he finally asked for some “radio silence” (and please know that I have not been calling and texting him all the time- when we’ve talked it’s almost always because HE initiated, not me.) That he wanted to talk things over with his therapist, and we would talk mid-this week after a week of no contact - his idea. Now it's Friday, and he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t know what to do.

My emails and gentle contact after he called things off made him sit up and take notice. They made him cry and open up to me. I know all the “wisdom” out there- and maybe here too, is to go no contact. That that will bring someone to you if they’re inclined. But that is not what has worked so far with him. He only started responding after my emails and actually seeing me again (always at his request, except the very first time). So I question whether NC is the way to go with him at all- someone who needs to feel accepted and not abandoned--? if one of his major fears is being abandoned, and he vocally appreciated me fighting for him because no one has ever done that- isn’t it possible that that’s actually what he wants to see from me again? I took a huge risk in putting forth the effort after he broke up with me, and it seemed to pay off - in fact, he said it made him waffle and do some really hard thinking- that he's still thinking. Do I stop doing what was working just because he asked for space? I’m having a very hard time with this when he validated that my effort was what was making a difference in his thinking… and he only asked for a week of space...

I fear that he's telling himself it's easier not to deal with these issues of his (which he associates with me) by cutting off contact. That it will be easier and somehow the issues he has will disappear if he dates someone else. If I don't contact him, he'll be able to talk himself back into it being all about me instead of him if I'm not there to remind him of who I am. Obviously, he's got stuff to work on. But I'm willing and able to do the work with him, and I love him in spite of all of it, so please don't tell me he's a lost cause or anything...

I feel like I’m dying inside. I didn’t feel this bad when my 8 year marriage ended- because deep down I knew my ex wasn’t ideal for me. This one is. I know I sound like someone who is grasping at something that isn’t there – but it is- it was, at least.

Since he said he'd call and didn't, and it has taken all of my strength and self-control to not text or email him, but I don't know if he is waiting for me to communicate, I’ve thought of sending him one more (non-begging!) email- and just asking: “I don’t want you to feel abandoned, but I want to respect your request for space…” Anyone had experience with this type of person? I’m just so afraid that the longer he goes with no contact, the “easier” it will get (because, hard as it is to admit, it’s gotten a tiny bit easier for me over the past week, even though I don’t want it to…), and he will convince himself somehow that if he never talks to me again, and looks for someone else, that magically he won’t face these issues in himself with anyone else. It’s not true, unless he chooses to have some shallow relationship, which he’s not the type to be happy with. But something in me doesn’t trust that if I let him have his space, he will come back, if it’s “meant to be”- does that ever really happen?? What if the thing he really wants is for me to keep showing up and not running away like everyone else has? I have too much self-respect to do this forever, but I’m willing to hang in a bit longer- I’m choosing to, not doing it because I feel like I have no choice- because he’s worth that much to me.

I was still letting him have his space when my dog who had cancer took a turn downhill yesterday - I couldn't help it, I texted him because I felt alone and it was horrible. He responded immediately with “do you need to talk?” and I declined. It would be too weird and I was too vulnerable. I thanked him and called my BFF to come be with me instead. He continued to “check in” every several hours but used phrases like “how are you holding up?” and “be well”. He did say “just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you,” but most of the phrases made me want to cry- they were something you’d say to an acquaintance or something :-( . Each time I waited at least 30 min to a couple hours to respond and responded briefly with things like “thank you.” It was sooooooo hard not to jump all over his offer to talk and lean on him but I knew that right now, he would not be giving me what I really want and I would likely end up being sorely disappointed and more depressed than I already was. Hopefully my responses and “thanks but no thanks” don’t work against me…

Is anyone else as confused as I am by his behavior- all these months of romance and deep emotion, sincere plans for the future, etc. that I still believe were genuine- and then this? This is the man who told me a few weeks ago as he cried, that he missed ‘his’ little girl (my daughter). Who can feel that way and do this?? And it is genuine- his feelings. How can someone feel so strongly and do this? I can’t reconcile the two. Is it possible for his fear to be SO strong that it overcomes the depth of his feelings for me?

And, I’ve got his stuff, which he insisted on leaving at my place months ago. Clothes, shoes, etc. He knows I have them, yet hasn’t asked for them back. I know they’re important to him. He could ask me to drop them off or send them (he has a few of my things too, which I haven’t asked for back). Why wouldn’t he ask for them if he’s done? Is this a way of keeping a foot in the door?

thanks for listening, guys. Sorry it’s so long– all positive advice and support much appreciated-

WG

[4 ratties]

Sadly those intense feelings he once had for you, could be gone. And there's not really a way to get them back. A guy either feels them, or not. Guys are pretty simple. Sounds like he has some mental issues and I'm sorry u fell for a guy with problems like this. It's not fair to you to keep trying, trying, trying. I know u feel like that's what u should do, but it's not. When your In a relationship, the person should be putting in effort and if they are just not, then they don't care and don't have feelings anymore. I have a feeling he will keep u on the backburner and when he meets someone else, dump you, then have the same issues with her and so on.. Maybe he could turn things around and realize he wants you in his life. But based on how he's been acting, something is definetly not right with him and idk if he has feelings for you anymore.

[ElizabethStrong]

When your In a relationship, the person should be putting in effort and if they are just not, then they don't care and don't have feelings anymore. I have a feeling he will keep u on the backburner and when he meets someone else, dump you, then have the same issues with her and so on.. Maybe he could turn things around and realize he wants you in his life. But based on how he's been acting, something is definetly not right with him and idk if he has feelings for you anymore.

The confusing thing is that he DID put in effort- a lot of it. And then it was like he came up against these fears and just terrified himself and couldn't continue. I do believe he has feelings for me still- and he has told me that- but it doesn't do me much good if he's either too scared to be in a serious relationship or not ready to work on the things he needs to to achieve that... I feel like I'm literally dying inside. I know everyone probably writes that like they're the first person it's ever happened to, but I don't think I've ever had the feeling that my heart was literally ripped out of my body like this. And it doesn't seem to be getting any better over time.