Office relationship with a slight twist

[Nikar]

Hi guys, need some advice here on an issue that is happening in my work place.

People always say office romance isn't encouraged, but the girl in question below and me will be moving to different companies very soon (different industries).

I'm putting the problem in point form below so it's easier to read:


The background
0) Me, I'm an introvert type of guy, but is known for being super direct and the "no-secrets-to-hide" type of guy.
I do tease girls from time to time and some flirting / touching, so I'm not those ultra-nerdy-scared-of-girls type of introverts.

1) Girl is a super-extrovert strong-personality alpha female, talkative. Single. No boyfriends.

2) At the beginning of this year all the way till July or so, Girl says she likes me, and asks me out for movies etc, in front of other people since our office hangs out as a group.
She even asked me to go on a holiday trip with her. I said no, and always treated her quite coldly and kept a distance.

3) Due to above, many times, she keeps saying I'm ignoring her. Over time, her feelings faded. From my observation of her behavior, it looks like only 5 - 10% left.

4) The rest of the folks always try to bring us together, but in vain, cos' I had no interest.

5) Recently, I realized she has a very gentle and sweet side, and I was slowly attracted. My view of her changed and now I've a deep liking for her.
(all along, I've been attracted to alpha females)


The Problem

6) Enters Guy A. A normal-level extrovert. Has a girlfriend. Rich. Tall. Average looks.

7) Guy A entered the company a week ago and sits next to Girl. They talk non-stop from morning to knock-off. Approx 30+% of it is work, the rest is personal stuff.
Guy A is the one initiating pretty much all the conversations that is non-work-related.
He doesn't seem to be the funny type, but is super good at keeping up conversations and continuing it non-stop. Mostly talk about more serious stuff like family, hobbies, life and non-love stuff so far.
(because it's non-cubicle environment, we can more or less hear it)


The Challenge
8) Now, Girl is leaving the company in 2+ weeks time. And all these while to the end of the 2+ weeks, Girl and Guy A will be really close to each other, and I've seen cases where 2 people working very closely together end up falling for each other.

9) Within these 2+ weeks, I wanna let Girl know about my feelings and ask her out.

10) I intend to ask her out with sentences like "So, are you and Guy A an item? If not, do you mind if I ask you out...."

11) I intend to say all these to her during the next 2+ weeks if there's an opportunity so it won't freak her out (ie: when everyone is laughing happily and the heat and rapport is big)

12) Another thing that's demoralizing is that since the rest knows I've no interest in Girl A, now they're teasing Guy A and Girl about being a couple (due to their constant talking non-stop whole day).
Used to be about teasing me and Girl in the past.


The Question
So, if you guys can analyze the situation, what are my chances now? My only advantage is that Girl used to like me some months back, but now faced with this potential threat, I'm not so sure anymore.

Here's a list of match-ups:

My Pros: Girl used to like me and now still has some lingering feelings for me but it's fading into oblivion. Honest, super direct, reliable, sweet (lol).
My Cons: Not that good at keeping up conversations. Not as rich, tall or loud-spoken as Guy A. Mild-mannered. Soft. Always like to keep work and personal stuff separate thus I very very rarely talk to Girl during work. The only time is during lunch or so.

Guy A Pros: Ultra legendary in keeping up conversations. The ultimate talking machine. Seems to be a very clean type of guy, doesn't talk dirty, not the bad boy type, rather serious and outwardly confident and vibrant.
Guy A Cons: Has a girlfriend, so that might restrict him (or maybe not?). Seems unwilling to share some parts of his past when we ask him about it. Still not super sure about him as he's only here for 1 week.

I'm worried that within the next 2 weeks, Guy A MAY or MAY NOT up the game and Girl will slowly fall for Guy A since he keeps talking to her about personal stuff and she might get drawn into his world and get emotionally invested in it. And when a woman is emotionally invested, it's screwed for me right? In any case, Girl A's interest in Guy A seems to be slowly increasing.

Slow but bit by bit.

Pls share your views and insight. What should I do? Tks!
Nik

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just ask her out. Don't mention Guy A. It's kinda telling that you think of him like that though. He is Guy A, you are Guy B...doesn't look good. Just be direct. Don't beat around the bush and ask if you can ask her out. That will be a guaranteed no. Ask her to a specific place at a specific time.

[Heart Healer]

Hi Nikar,

Well... a pretty thoughtful question. I liked the way you wrote things above.

Anyways, coming to your problem statement, there are few things that you need to know.

1) You are being too judgmental, a lot too much perhaps which is no required here. Initially, she liked you but you kept running away and now when there is this Guy A with her, you feel that inclination of owing her to yourself. Also, just because they both chat for whole day or sit beside each other in same cubical, does not mean they love each other. Moreover, the Guy A has a girlfriend which ideally should decrease the possibility of them entering into an alliance. So, stop being manipulative and judgmental towards this girl. They are just friends, as I could make out. Love is never done like this. If you start being manipulative, being judgmental about someone, you will never find true love. She has her own life, her own priorities, her own friends etc. She is mature enough to understand her own good and bad. If she really likes this Guy A, she would go for him, howsoever good you are. Love with your honest self. Show your true feelings and put your expectations low. High expectations will hurt you someday.


2) Just as BackUpOrGetStng said above, if you wanna ask her out, do that directly without even mentioning anything about Guy A. That would clearly give her an indication that your feelings are not nature, but your are into some competition with Guy A, or you are jealous of him. Any such indications can ruin everything. Just be what you are, if you believe in yourself and your feelings.

3) Don't go too fast. Move slow. You realize, her feelings for you are on a diminishing curve. For what she felt for you initially, there is only some percent of it still left. So, I would advice you to first, begin the things from scratch and bring them to a point that she starts feeling for you almost with the same intensity as she used to. talk to her more, go to her desk, si with her, spend a few moments, help her out in her office work etc so that, when you ask her out, it goes smooth and doesn't look like you are being too direct. I hope, you understood my point.

4) Just because two individuals work in the same office, they cannot fall for each other, they cannot love each other is a completely wrong notion. Let love be natural and real. Don't stop your heart to fall for someone if he/she is working in the same office as yours. Nothing else matters than your pure and true feelings. Nobody expects you to make love in office but yes, falling for your colleague is not wrong. Even if it raise eyebrows, it shouldn't bother you. You are not committing a crime. But just don't let it affect your office work. That's it !!


All The Best !!!
Take Care !!

[Nikar]

Tks for the precious advice, HeartHealer and BackUpOrGetStng!

The part about not mentioning Guy A is especially valuable; I never saw things in that light before. I agree I'm way over-analyzing and being too judgemental.

Will try to use the tips here and talk to her about this sometime next week.

1) Eventually when I ask her to go out with me, should I be as direct as saying to her "Hey XXX, I wanna go out with you next month" and wait for her response? Seems way too direct and might freak her out LOL
Or should I first tell her my feelings for her (ie: I wasn't interested in you last time but my feelings changed after I observe you being so gentle.....) and throw in "So, I wanna go out with you next month"?

2) When I talk to her about asking her out, should I do this in a casual group setting when everyone is talking and laughing etc, or is it better to do it in those more quiet situations when me and her are alone?

Tks! I'll continue to post updates here.
Nik

[TablesandChairs]

(ie: I wasn't interested in you last time but my feelings changed after I observe you being so gentle.....)

I wouldn't say that. It implies you don't like all of her, just a part of her - which might not be the biggest part of her. Get what I mean? If she's a social extrovert, she's not going to be 'gentle' a lot of the time - she's going to want to go out, be social, laugh, entertain and be entertained. All the reasons you weren't keen on her before still exist. The only thing you've noticed is that, like most people, she's not one dimensional. An extroverted person is not an extrovert ALL of the time - just a lot of the time.

Is your new found interest in her at all influenced by the appearance of Guy B?

Anyway, just ask her out. She either says yes or no and there's nothing to lose. You may have a good time or it might be crap and you can move on. I would simply say "want to go to a movie with me on X day?". You don't need to go into further detail about your feelings, guy B or whatever.

[Nikar]

Is your new found interest in her at all influenced by the appearance of Guy B?

Hi TablesandChairs, tks! Actually, yes and no. 2 months before Guy A came, my feelings for her started to rise but slowly. However, after Guy A came and this shit happens, I start to panic and realized i) I took her completely for granted and was mean to her at some point and ii) I have feelings for her. Because before Guy A came, it was more like "I like her, but maybe I'll just wait and see what happens....." LOL

Btw, HeartHealer mentions about getting close to the girl again etc so that when I ask her out, it will be smooth and easier, and I was thinking: is increased touching a good thing?

I'm thinking of just popping in and giving her a quick causal back-massage every now and then by using my fists to pound her back lightly. Nice idea?
(it feels natural to me cos' she used to massage my back once in a while)

Tks!
Nik

[Wakeup]

Just ask her out. You don't have to mention the other guy (he has a girlfriend and if you know that, so does the girl) or anything about the past whatsoever. Consider this the first day of your pursuit of a date with her.

If she turns you down, then get on with your life and find someone who you actually like from the beginning unlike this girl who you only saw the value in when you thought she was done with you and settingher sights on someone else.

Dont' give her a back massage. Everything you've suggested you're going to do is eeek-worthy. Just Ask Her Out.

[Nikar]

Hi guys!

Ok, some updates and need some advice related to the new situation.

1) I informed (not ask) her today to go out with me during this weekend.
She said she has plans on and can't cancel with her friends since they already made plans 3 weeks ago.
However, she told me she can make it on 24 December (long gap is due to her overseas trip during the coming 3 weeks, which has been verified by me lol)

So I guess she's at least somewhat interested.

The problem: Because she's the super-outgoing type, she says that usually she and her friends will make plans weeks in advance, so meaning that in future, if I ask her out, do I also need to make plans with her weeks in advance?
If I do this, it feels like I'm letting her control the entire courtship and it's bad.


2) During the period of time from now to 24 Dec, should I text her now and then so that the trail won't go cold?
It's almost 1 month, and I wonder if by the time she's back, the feelings would have "cooled". Or should I just not text at all and wait till she returns?



3) After the 1st date, how long do you guys usually wait before asking her out for the 2nd date? Also, should the guy be asking the girl out all the time?
If I consecutively take the initiative and ask her out for 3 dates, should I wait for her to take the initiative to ask me out for the 4th date? If she doesn't, I just drop her and move on?
Cos I figured if a girl is really interested, she would take the initiative instead.

Tks!
Nik

[michelle23]

Shes blowing you off. Shes not interested. If she was shed be going out with you tonight

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[Wakeup]

No it doesn't mean that you have to ask her out weeks in advance. You can ask her out a couple of days later and if she's interested in you she will be quite willing to go out with you. Work this one date at a time and quit looking to the future at this point in time. I don't think she's blowing you off... she has legit reasons for not being able to see you until the 24th. I'm surprised she agreed to that date since its Christmas Eve and most people are busy with family at that time (depends on your beliefs/background I guess?) Anyway. One day at a time and quit over-thinking it right now. Time will tell if she's blowing you off or not but that one conversation she had with you does not mean she's doing anything of the sort IMO.

[Nikar]

Tks Wakeup! Advice appreciated! Will follow it promptly.

Btw, one friend of mine whom I told this to, says I should just wait for her to come back from her trip, and wait for her to bring up the date of 24 Dec when she's back, as a test to see her interest level.
Is this a good idea? Tks!