boyfriend says he wants to end it but he changes his mind& acts like it nvr hppend

[marie1219]

So me and my boyfriend have been together foe 2 years . We used to fight alot because i didnt like him smoking pot but nowmive xome to accept it . We had broken up once about 6 months ago because he was losing feelings but it turned out that he wanted to see what else was out there . As in he wanted to grt into someones pants to see what it was like since he has only been with me and after that he realized that it was a mistake and that he wanted us together and he loves me more than anything and anyone. We recently moved to another state together he works and im currently looking for work but im working a couple times a monh for his boss. We moved into an apartment with my boyfriends relative but we are basiclly on our own. Ive gained weight since last year which im not proud of and he says that bothered him but its not why he*


feels different at least he doesnt think so**since the past few weeks he has been breaking it off with me then gettin with me again. Its usually whwn we start fighting about him smokig or its me who starts nagging at him for it. He says he feels different he doesnt know why or exactly what madenhim feel this way but that its unfair for me , but then he says its him that theres somethig wrong with him but once again he doesnt know why , now ive known hes always jad issues with him self his family has even told me hes alwaysnput himself down and stuff like that not to mention hes had a bad childhood . Well back to what i was saying hes been breakin up while the whole time hes crying which lasts about an hour a bit more and hes crying so much that he barely says a word. Then he says hes sorry he doesnt want me to go he loves me more than anything . I begged the first time he did this and the other 2 times i didnt even though i was crying i didnt beg then he says he takes me back because it would be a while before i actually left and he didnt want to see me sad . Now keep in mind i offered to leave a week later the first time due to the price amd dates of the flight , butnme and him both know if je really wanted me gone he would make me leave the next day simply because hes that way if he really doesnt want someone or something he pushes it away very mean like , yet i wee hes trying before he didnt out in as much effort now he makes sure i feel loved everyday he showers me with kisses and hugs holds me just because tells me he missed me all day talks to me in those little voices calls me by our pet name and if hes at the store or where ever and sees someone i think ill like he gets it for me then surprises me , he came home like last week and he lifted up his shirt and he had written "i love you bear" which bear is one of our pet names and he was very happy amd excited to come home amd show me . He does those little things that make me happy. Now when we dont fight je looks happy even when i try to be stand offish to see how he acts hes still sweet and tries to make me smile again . Now today we were at work togeher amd idk how it came up but i asked him if he was in or out and he said he doesnt know that he feels bad but idk is the answer. He says he only wants me and he cant sleep with out me hes not happy ifmim not here. Now just about an hour ago i was loking at some relationship forums amd i was telling him that some people said that after the first one to two years a relationship falls into a different stage andni asked him if he thinks i should still try and fixnour relationship and rekindle what we had and he said yes without thinking about it i asked again to make sure and it was still yes. Now what xouldni do to help our relationship ? How can i help him ? Please i dont want to give up and i dont think he really does either because he still tries.

[smackie9]

You have to fix whatever is broken. First off weigh gain, poor house keeping, lack of sex drive are symptoms of issues within oneself (low self esteem, stress, etc) or within the relationship that have not been properly addressed. You both have to make a list of things you don't like, want to change and are willing to change then sit down and discuss each thing fairly.

Next you both need to get a life outside the relationship to go do your own thing, like hang out with other poeple, get into an activity or sport. Time apart is key in a relationship to keep things fresh. If you spend all your time (which you do because you work together) will drive your relationship into the ground. It might be as simple as you finding work somewhere else.

[marie1219]

Thank you and my weight gajn was just from lazyness and being unmotivated which i take the blame for. And that was something i suggested yet he doesnt he work 10 hours a day so hes usually tired and doesnt like to go out but i tell him he can and that i dont mind. Usually we are in our room tigether all the time but now if he wants to be in the living room or whatever he does and i let him come and hang with me when hes done relaxing or something i just dont know why hes in and out, i can tell he loves me im not the type to make exuces for a man when i know he doesnt love me if that aas the case i wouldve left. He says he hates hurting me and doesnt want me to be hurt that was ine thing about his smoking cux i wanted it my way and i would make a huge fight over it so now its like he thinks it cant work becausenhecant change that even tho now i dont mind. And he wont go see a counselor because he doesnt like them so idk where to start to fix this

[michelle23]

Omg this is really pathetic. Ok so your bf dumped you so he could **** some whore and then you just take him back? And now hes telling you hes having doubts AGAIN and you just sit there like a little puppet on a string waiting for his next instruction? Darling go and take a good long look in the mirror and figure out why your self esteem is so low that you will settle for this bull****. I would tell him to go and take a flying jump coz your worth more and you need a strong man who knows what he wants. Hes prob staying with you coz he has a fear of being alone and is insecure and is waiting for something better to come along. You have given him all the power and control and you need to take it back. Dump him, move out and move on. He will admire you and respect you for it and he will also deeply regret all the crap hes put you through and likely beg you to come back. Then the powers in your hands but i wouldnt go crawling back. Id go find a real man. His pot smoking should be a deal breaker btw. You hate it but you put up with it... WHY?

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[Peaches1605]

I agree with Michelle.

He is not worth it and you deserve better. He will do this until he finds someone he wants to be with properly. He's keeping you as a back up for when someone else isn't available and as soon as someone else is available, he breaks up with you. Please build up your courage and walk out!

[Lord Darkshire]

Guys she wants to see if she can work through this with her BF one last time.....that is her choice. The explinations you give are fair, but don't get all over her to dump her BF, it's only going to upset her. Lets be a little more kind instead of running people off this forum. Thnx.

[michelle23]

Sorry. I know my post is a little harsh. I dont mean to hurt OP. Just want to shake her and wake her up a bit coz she is giving him ALL the control and thats not healthy

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[Lord Darkshire]

This is a complex situtation that needs more than "Dump his ass" solution. They have enough invested emotionally that it's worth one more try. I think she is intelligent enough to know when to call it quits.

[sajib]

That happens sometimes to some people after staying with their partners for a while and once someone begins to get those thoughts of breaking up, you just know that time is not yet but eventually it will happen anyway. I think you should give each other some place that is the only way you can know if he still loves you, if he makes any effort to get back after that break.

[Wakeup]

feels different at least he doesnt think so**since the past few weeks he has been breaking it off with me then gettin with me again.

When someone doesn't have enough invested in you emotionally to want to keep you around (instead of dumping you and then coming back to you) then it is usually natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong partner. You've invested two years into this relationship and it's only going to get worse unless the two of you (not just you) are willing to get some couples councelling to help you to get what the underlying problem is in your union.

You can try as much as you want, but if he isn't, then you are in what is called a non-reciprocated attempt at keeping the relationship going. When you are in that type of dynamic then he will keep leaving you and everytime he does that, it whittles away at your self-esteem, your value of self a little bit more until you're depressed and emotionally sick.

Ask him about couples councelling and if he won't go, if he thinks thats a stupid thing, then do seriously go yourself to a therapist so that you can get the strength you need to leave a one sided, non-reciprocated union. You owe it to yourself to be loved by someone the way you love them. This doesn't look like it's even enough to last a LIFEtime.

Be strong and take back your personal power and emotional health from his hands. He's not taking very good care of those.

[michelle23]

If a 2year relationship needs counselling to fix it, then it aint worth fixing IMO. Hes already got one foot out the door. Its only a matter of time before he cheats or leaves.

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[marie1219]

I am smart even to walk away as i have done so in the past with relationships that werent healthy far worse than this one. We are srillvtogether at the moment amd he seems to be very happy . A conversation we had today it came up that he is not happy with himself not sure why hes unhappy wih himself i see him trying to make a good life for us. But he said that himbeig unhappy has nothung to do with me ornus but with himself and that affects us obviously. He wants to try and make it work and so do i. He says i make him smile ajd make him happy and he shows it alot and tries his best to make sure he shows me he loves me . Our sex lives arent great we had intercourse for the first time in a few weeks yesterday. Im currently workig on myself both mentally and physically . Im also trying to find a way to help him in order to help us as well

[michelle23]

Just dont be a doormat. Its not fair on you how hes changing his mind all the time. I know couples whove been together between 5-50 years who have never split up or never almost split up. Your not gonna last if its on and off..

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[Wakeup]

I am smart even to walk away as i have done so in the past with relationships that werent healthy far worse than this one. We are srillvtogether at the moment amd he seems to be very happy . A conversation we had today it came up that he is not happy with himself not sure why hes unhappy wih himself i see him trying to make a good life for us. But he said that himbeig unhappy has nothung to do with me ornus but with himself and that affects us obviously. He wants to try and make it work and so do i. He says i make him smile ajd make him happy and he shows it alot and tries his best to make sure he shows me he loves me . Our sex lives arent great we had intercourse for the first time in a few weeks yesterday. Im currently workig on myself both mentally and physically . Im also trying to find a way to help him in order to help us as well

Like I said. You want to make it work with him, then he needs personal therapy so he won't take out his self-hatred on you by leaving you whenever the urge strikes him and you need couples councelling to learn how to communicate and so that you have the emotional tools to not be in a codependent, one sided affair.

Just taking his word (like you've always done) isn't going to help the two of you stay together. Or, you'll just keep taking him back after he leaves you. What does he do when he breaks up with you? Does he see other women then?