Abusive relationship advice

[sas1047]

I'm currently with my gf of 2 years now, and very much in love. She is extremely gorgeous in my eyes. The second I laid eyes on her, I was hooked. She just turned 30, I'm 29. She was married once, I have not yet. I met her about 2 years after her ex-husband and her separated. She came out of a 10 year marriage with this guy where they have 2 kids, she was raped, she had anorexia when growing up, taken advantage of financially after the marriage and had to file bankruptcy, lost her home, etc. We've lived together for 1.5 years. I have 1 son of my own 50% of the time. She is a very honest person, and very trust worthy, however she has a very hard time of dealing with her emotions, she keeps all her problems locked up inside of her and very rarely talks to me about what is going on. Shes a very strong woman, very independent, she doesn't talk or act like a typical woman. Marriage again isn't really a concern with her and so far, she doesn't want to get re-married because of what happened in her 1st marriage(I don't blame her). She doesn't love herself, but she knows I love her.

I feel every time I see her, shes pissed off and complaining about something. Stuff that she shouldn't be. Its hard coming home to somebody who rarely wants to talk to you, care for, help, and laugh with you. 1-2 times a week, she seems like herself and were having such an amazing time. I mean, so great, its worth me putting up with the fighting the other 5 days to get the amazing 2 days with her. The days that were good, were doing everything together, not spending a second apart, and having a blast with one another. I understand why she is upset, and I try to be that emotional support for her and be there for her. She lost her home in the marriage, and hates living in a temporary duplex at the moment(I don't blame her with 3 kids in the house). But she constantly compares her success to other women at her job, outside of work, etc that look like they have a lot more for themselves for the same age range, and puts herself down for not having what she thinks shes supposed to have. I want to buy her a house like she wants, but am not financially ready enough yet with my business I've opened up about 4 years ago.

It gets to the point where she just wants to go to sleep, locks herself in the room, and there I am stuck by myself all night again. I hate this, a lot of fights have happened from this because I don't understand. Fights that are pretty bad. I'm the kind of person that likes to fix things and cannot sleep unless I know were okay. When we fight, it gets to the point of bad mouthing each other so bad, pushing one another, and breaking up with one another, to finally settle back down the next day. She knows how to push my buttons, and I've talked to her about how bad I just want to be able to talk with her and fix things through communication. But there is no communicating with her when shes upset, tired, or stressed. She tells me she loves me, and I'm the best bf shes ever had, but doesn't really show it in person. A few nights ago, I was home cooking dinner. She fell asleep not even 3 minutes before dinner was done. I went in to GENTLY wake her up, kissed her forehead, and told her dinner was ready. She then didn't respond so I grabbed her hand lightly and went to tell her dinner is ready and she flipped on me. Said I'm selfish? Said all I care about is me and she shouldn't be forced to eat dinner at MY specific time? It was 6:30, its when we usually eat. 2 days later she apologized, but that's how long it takes for any talking to happen.

She puts up her walls so high, nobody can get through. But when those walls come down, she is the most amazing person I've ever been around. My issues are that her and I just cant seem to get things to STAY right. I am a person that needs to express my emotions, and I feel like she just takes me for granted. Her ex husband treated her like crap for 10+years, she told me how bad she wanted somebody to take care of her, provide for her, and give her the life she never had. She doesn't understand how much I sacrifice for her and how hard I'm trying. I own a business, a business just started 4 years ago. Most business owners, need to work A TON more hours than 40/hrs a week. She didn't like that, so I cut my days short at the office and leave work every night by 6pm, or sooner, just so she and I could spend more time together and she was happy. I feel that now that she has these things, she just blows me off and doesn't give me the time of day in return. I try so damn hard with her, so hard. I love on her constantly trying to show her I love her, and will never leave her. I tell her shes so beautiful to me, the most amazing girl I've ever met, how my life would never be the same if I lost her, how shes the only girl I ever want to be with. I hold her after sex, I cuddle with her, I do all the things no other bf of hers could figure out. I'm hoping shes just stressed and we just need to get through this. But, this has been going on now for a good year straight. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I crawl into bed at night just in tears because I know how my woman CAN BE with me, but I just feel emotionally and physically abandoned. Sex is great with her, when she wants it. Which is 1-2 times a week, if I'm lucky. Me wanting sex a lot more, frustrates her. I told her I love the connection we make, and to be honest, sometimes I feel like that's our only connection we have when she is not giving me any other kind of support. So maybe that is why I'm always wanting that from her. To fill the void.

I have to say I honestly feel like more of the girl in this relationship because I'm the only one ever asking her if she wants to talk, asking her if she wants to do anything after work. Asking if she misses me. I feel like I'm smothering her. And maybe I am. But I tried lessening my attention towards her and not being all over her, and then I'm being accused of being up to something and cheating because I'm acting distant. She never used to be like this when we first met(only for the 1st 3 months), and I guess the reason I've been putting in so much effort is because I want to figure out which side of her is real. I miss the girl that used to talk to me about everything. I love her, with all my heart, I want to know why she's upset so bad, I'm trying everything I can do to help. I want to be her man that can provide for her, take care of her, and get her on the right track each and every day.

I need help on how to handle this girl. I'm more lost with her after 2 years, than when I first met her. I love her to death, but I don't know if I can live like this anymore I'm 30 years old, scared to date again, I just want our family together. I appreciate any help given.

[THX]

My 2 cents. You say 2 good days to 5 bad days. The first question you must ask yourself is, if no matter what you do that will never change are you willing to stay? If the answer is yes you simply need to learn how to cope. No suggestions that you should leave the relationship will work because you can simply reply, "The good is worth the bad."

Your GF is a wounded soul. If her nature and nurture had found a friendlier set of circumstances she would be a lovely person to be around more days than not. Sometimes as an empathetic person it can be hard to say, "Im sorry for what happened to you, but I'm not going to pay the price for what others have done to you."

My 2nd question to you is, if you met an exact clone of your GF who you had that deep connection with 7 days a week would you leave the 2 days a week version? Would you struggle to leave the one who was taking you for granted? Would you feel like you were leaving her behind to persue your own "selfish" happiness? If you would leave 2 good days for 7 good days then what's the problem with leaving her? I would suggest that on a deep level you don't believe you can find something better. You have a bird in the hand. Why give up 2 good days for zero good days? Can you find something better? I'm not talking about some superficial resume, like better looking, etc. I'm talking someone who will treat you better,and make you feel better. Ibelieve there is no question you can find somebody better, but can and will can be worlds apart.

I think a question one should ask themselves when a relationship has gone bad is, "Have I met the other person half way"? It sounds to me that you have gone far past half way and the slack is hers. Smothering is a term people use when the other person in the relationship is pressing for something they do not value as much or at all.

I say cut this girl loose as kindly as possible. Jump back into the dating pool. You're afraid to go back for good reasons. Doubts and shortcomings will have to be faced.

I don't know how to wrap this up. Good luck man.

[michelle23]

Right everyone is always perfect and on their best behaviour the first 3-6months. You gotta stop waiting for that girl you met at the beginning to come back. The honeymoon period faded and now your both showing who you really are.

Your not getting anything out of this relationship. Theres no affection, intimacy, communication or fun. Why are you still there. She sounds bipolar tbh and i wonder is she a big part of the reason her ex marriage was awful. Theres too sides to every story

Anyway things are not going to get better-probably worse. I would break things off and go consentrate on your business.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[TablesandChairs]

Firstly, has she ever seen a counselor? Anorexia, abusive relationship, moodiness...that's not something you can fix for her, even if you did give her a house and all the things she thinks will make her happy.

Depressive people tend to look at what they don't have, rather than what they do have. Instead of saying - I have a partner who really loves me, I have a roof over my head, a job etc, she says "I don't have a house, I hate this duplex, other woman have more than me" and so forth.

Thirdly, the exhaustion could be a result of depression or it could be because she's working, raising kids and so forth...that takes the energy out of people so it's hard to say.

In arguments, some people want to deal with the issue then and there, others need time to process things. If you harass her for a resolution during this time, it won't be beneficial. Instead, say - okay, let's take 24 hour to cool down/think things through but after that, I want us to discuss the matter.

Do you give each other enough breathing space? For example, when I come home from work, the last thing I want to do is enter into long discussions. I need to chill out. Similarly, after 2 years together, having sex 1-2 times per week seems good, especially given you both work, raise children and so forth. I get a vibe that you push for too much and this gets her annoyed, which escalates. Could that be true?

[4 ratties]

This sounds a lot like me and my boyfriend. How I deal with the bad days when he's moody and doesn't want sex, is entertain myself. Play with my pets, watch youtube vids, clean, visit a friend etc. masturbate when he doesn't want to have sex.
You can't change her so find a way to live with her

[Boisdevie]

Choice 1. Accept the way she is because she is unlikely to change.
Choice 2. Leave her because you can't accept the way she is.

My view. Dump her. She's broken and it's not your job to fix her. Find somebody easier to get along with because life is way too short to put up with shit that you can avoid.

[sas1047]

Firstly, has she ever seen a counselor? Anorexia, abusive relationship, moodiness...that's not something you can fix for her, even if you did give her a house and all the things she thinks will make her happy.

Depressive people tend to look at what they don't have, rather than what they do have. Instead of saying - I have a partner who really loves me, I have a roof over my head, a job etc, she says "I don't have a house, I hate this duplex, other woman have more than me" and so forth.

Thirdly, the exhaustion could be a result of depression or it could be because she's working, raising kids and so forth...that takes the energy out of people so it's hard to say.

In arguments, some people want to deal with the issue then and there, others need time to process things. If you harass her for a resolution during this time, it won't be beneficial. Instead, say - okay, let's take 24 hour to cool down/think things through but after that, I want us to discuss the matter.

Do you give each other enough breathing space? For example, when I come home from work, the last thing I want to do is enter into long discussions. I need to chill out. Similarly, after 2 years together, having sex 1-2 times per week seems good, especially given you both work, raise children and so forth. I get a vibe that you push for too much and this gets her annoyed, which escalates. Could that be true?

Thanks for all the responses. Yes, this is true. I do push too much. Its not all her fault, I admit a lot of fault in this. I seem myself pushing so much because I feel so much lacking/falling between us, so I try to get things to come back together. Then when they don't, it escalates to more issues of me pressuring or expecting too much. Me personally if I could, I'd like to have sex every day with her. And she knows that, and that bothers her because she's fine at the 1-2. So I push the sex subject and try for more days.

But yes, shes definitely the person that looks at what she doesn't have, instead of what she does. I'm completely opposite in that retrospect. I don't think shes ever seen a counselor, shes told me she hasn't. Unless she just doesn't want me to know. That being more of her personal business, I've left that alone. She says how she hates her life. What she used to have (good credit and a house) to nothing now. Shes upset she doesn't have a 'home' for her kids. How nothing goes right for her. How shes afraid to be happy because then theres always something that'll come along and ruin that feeling. She gets upset and in a bad mood so easily, I feel like I'm always on pins and needles afraid to say the wrong thing to her to make her upset. Sometimes, as simply as me making a joke we'd usually laugh about, or saying something that may come out in the wrong way, will piss her off for the entire day, she'll cancel our plans(if we had any), and try to keep her distance from me.

She doesn't trust me, even though I do not lie to her or ever betray her(but shes insecure from what her ex did to her, she tells me all guys are like that and we only want 1 thing) But when things are going good, and her guard is down, she tells me she trusts me and shes sorry for being so hard to love, and just is afraid of getting hurt. I ask her all the time 'Can you just give me 1 chance to prove to you that I'm not like every other guy you've dated?' She stays silent most of the time when I ask that. I think she wants to trust me, but her insecurities really get the best of her. Me knowing her, I know she wouldn't stay with me if she really thought I was cheating or doing something shady to her. She has a sixth sense for that kind of thing, as I feel most women do.

I want to make this work. Shes so amazing when I get her to put her guard down. I just want to figure out how or if I'm doing anything wrong, how to fix it.

[basilandthyme]

sas, you want to make this work - this is clear. But does SHE want to make this work? If so, what is she doing to help the situation? If she's doing nothing to help remedy the situation, the relationship (and your sanity) is doomed.

You can't fix this on your own. Do not continue with her unless she shows by her actions that she's also trying to make it work.

[michelle23]

She needs counselling. Thats A LOT of emotional baggage. You cant fix her and your relationship will never be healthy unless she agrees to get help now.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[TablesandChairs]

You know, when you're kind of depressed, working, raising kids...and maybe experiencing some financial disappointments and set-backs, the last thing you want is someone wanting sex every day. I don't mean to point the finger solely at you, it takes two to tango obviously.

One of my ex's and I didn't actually have a bad relationship - he had some great qualities. But he pushed me away by *needing* too much during a time when I was struggling with certain things (I was in debt after my partner of 7 years and I broke up). I was working a lot and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere. It was just stress. But, the straw that broke the camels back was the fact that he made me feel like our relationship had to be yet another 'job' I had to do - he needed a lot - sex, attention, time...it's good to prevent a relationship from feeling like a chore to the other person. I'm not saying they should make no effort...but maybe she needs a break. She obviously can't just pack up and go on holiday, so this might me an alternative.

Try backing off a bit - keep yourself entertained and practice being less needy for a month. She might just need a period where you're not yet another person who needs something from her. She has that at work, with her kids etc. You might be surprised but it could end up changing things for the better.

I'm not giving you the 'just break up with her' treatment because you obviously want to work on things and nothing you've mentioned seems beyond repair. Sometimes, we do things for our partners when we recognize they're having a hard time, so we sacrifice a bit.

[sas1047]

You know, when you're kind of depressed, working, raising kids...and maybe experiencing some financial disappointments and set-backs, the last thing you want is someone wanting sex every day. I don't mean to point the finger solely at you, it takes two to tango obviously.

One of my ex's and I didn't actually have a bad relationship - he had some great qualities. But he pushed me away by *needing* too much during a time when I was struggling with certain things (I was in debt after my partner of 7 years and I broke up). I was working a lot and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere. It was just stress. But, the straw that broke the camels back was the fact that he made me feel like our relationship had to be yet another 'job' I had to do - he needed a lot - sex, attention, time...it's good to prevent a relationship from feeling like a chore to the other person. I'm not saying they should make no effort...but maybe she needs a break. She obviously can't just pack up and go on holiday, so this might me an alternative.

Try backing off a bit - keep yourself entertained and practice being less needy for a month. She might just need a period where you're not yet another person who needs something from her. She has that at work, with her kids etc. You might be surprised but it could end up changing things for the better.

I'm not giving you the 'just break up with her' treatment because you obviously want to work on things and nothing you've mentioned seems beyond repair. Sometimes, we do things for our partners when we recognize they're having a hard time, so we sacrifice a bit.

This is really good advice. Thank you. I will try backing off a bit, again. The first time I've tried that, she got upset at me that 'Im not being my usual self and I'm up to something." So I backed off, and was then accused of cheating/wanting somebody else. Yes shes a handful, but very rewarding when everything is right. That's another reason I give her all the attention and effort all the time, I want her to know I only want her and her only. But I guess with her past, she's not going to see it that way. I spend a lot of my day's just thinking what I can do to make her happy. I guess I'm just feeling a little unappreciated.

[confusedman2013]

I am amazed at how much your situation is to mine man, honestly it is frightening!

MY relationship ended a month ago and at the start, I was devastated. But now, I feel as though it was never going to work anyway because my girlfriend was exactly like yours. A LOT OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE and I felt as though it was always me trying to fix her, keep her happy etc it was exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally to the point of unhappiness beyond anything I have ever experienced. I just felt as though she didn't appreciate me but she had been through a horrendous amount of abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, mental etc she has also 3 children to 2 different fathers and it was all too much. She was depressed, insecure, unhappy, angry etc but I knew deep down she didn't want to be like this but it started turning me into a different person and I started to feel like the woman in the relationship, I felt really needy etc

My advice is GET OUT NOW but you are completely destroyed. I actually think you pity her more than you are "in love" with her. But you can't stand the thought of anyone else having her and you fear never meeting anyone else again. Truth is, you would be better on your own for the rest of your life than being in a relationship like that. It has taken me 4 weeks of lying around feeling sorry for myself to realise it.

I feel your pain man I really do. Please get out, for both your sakes! Good luck buddy

[Wakeup]

Don't grasp onto things you want to hear just so that you can prolong leaving her. Seems you've tried long enough but the problem is, she isn't happy within and if she doesn't love herself, how will she ever be able to show anyone that she loves them.

Theres too much water under the bridge to try and do some psycological manipulation that will magically turn her into the woman you want her to be so don't listen to anything of that sort. You know what you have to do, you've practically told us what you have to do. All you need now is to get the strength to leave. Do so for your own emotional well being. You can't fix her. She needs lots of professional help in order to be a good partner to you other then the sex.

I want to make this work. Shes so amazing when I get her to put her guard down. I just want to figure out how or if I'm doing anything wrong, how to fix it.

Can you give us some examples of how "amazing" she is? You've painted a picture of a woman that abuses your good nature and makes you feel like you are never doing enough. You ask in your thread for advice on "an abusive relationship" You're getting codependent advice at its finest from TableandChairs and your grasping at it like a drowning man reaches for a lifepreserver.

She will not change, not while she doesn't get any professional help... even then she may not. She's showing you who she really is, she's feeding you her poison and you're going up to her with empty bowl asking "please may I have some more." Why would you do that to yourself? Please enlighten the masses.

[confusedman2013]

She's showing you who she really is, she's feeding you her poison and you're going up to her with empty bowl asking "please may I have some more." Why would you do that to yourself? Please enlighten the masses.

10000000000000000000000% correct. Your mind is all over the place, the same way mines was. You need to put yourself out of your own misery, this is not good for your overall health as this is only going to end one way.... VERY BADLY!

[sas1047]

Don't grasp onto things you want to hear just so that you can prolong leaving her. Seems you've tried long enough but the problem is, she isn't happy within and if she doesn't love herself, how will she ever be able to show anyone that she loves them.

Theres too much water under the bridge to try and do some psycological manipulation that will magically turn her into the woman you want her to be so don't listen to anything of that sort. You know what you have to do, you've practically told us what you have to do. All you need now is to get the strength to leave. Do so for your own emotional well being. You can't fix her. She needs lots of professional help in order to be a good partner to you other then the sex.

Can you give us some examples of how "amazing" she is? You've painted a picture of a woman that abuses your good nature and makes you feel like you are never doing enough. You ask in your thread for advice on "an abusive relationship" You're getting codependent advice at its finest from TableandChairs and your grasping at it like a drowning man reaches for a lifepreserver.

She will not change, not while she doesn't get any professional help... even then she may not. She's showing you who she really is, she's feeding you her poison and you're going up to her with empty bowl asking "please may I have some more." Why would you do that to yourself? Please enlighten the masses.

I definitely hear what you're saying. When her guard is down, there are no emotional baggage issues. She trusts me, shes laughing, seems happy, and treats me well. Shes amazing because she makes herself a very trusting/honest girlfriend. She has never lied to me, cheated, or held anything from me. Shes the type of person even if some random guy messages her online to even ask how shes doing, she'll tell me right away. I like that about her. I've never met one woman that's been like that to me, or any other guy I know. I guess sometimes I feel like its worth putting up with the shit because I have somebody I can trust and be happy with when her walls are down. Maybe I do deserve better, maybe she does too. Im stuck in the moment and I don't know whats the real answer.

On the flip side, she can really push things. She's the type of girl during an argument to never back down, shes never wrong, and she will push push push you until you blow your top. I hate to say this, and I'm so ashamed to, but she pushed me a few times so far, said such mean things, that I pushed her by the neck away from me I didn't try to hurt her, but I did. I never thought I'd do that to anybody. Especially one that I love. I've never been in a physical fight my entire life. I've always gotten along with people. I never knew that side of me even existed until that night. I know I will not allow that to happen again. But I feel like I'm going to be paying the price now for a long time. I don't want to be in a situation like that. I'm scared, being 30 now, having to start all over again and possibly ending up loosing the best person I'll be able to find. Who's to say I'll ever find another honest and trustworthy woman like her again?