I keep making the same mistake

**violet11** · 02-12-13, 05:27 PM

I need a bit of a psychoanalysis. Please try not to be too cruel.

Relationship pattern:

Intense relationships with men who are initially in awe of me, and fall hard for me. I'm a compassionate person and I hate fighting with people, so the guys feel like I understand them, never nag them or get mad.

Then they start to take me for granted / mistreat me / neglect me. I get hurt, put up with it for a few weeks, start to tell them I'm not happy, they keep doing it. Then I can't take it anymore, break up with them, and they proceed to chase me for months, or even years: telling me that I was the most amazing woman they ever met and they cant believe they messed things up with me.

And it's happening again. My most recent relationship just bit the dust, and now he's bombarding me with calls and texts, asking me to give him another chance. Unfortunately I really love this guy. Breaking up with him is killing me, but I can't bring myself to take him back, because I don't see how things would get better. I only ever took back one guy, and it just prolonged the misery.

I know it's probably hard for people to say, but I need some insight into why I either attract that particular kind of guy, or else I bring that behaviour out in them. Maybe I dont believe I deserve to be treated well. I also suffer from terrible anxiety around relationships. I cover it up really well, but I wonder if on some level they sense it, and it scares them off. One guy told me that I felt "dangerous to fall in love with". He was saying it in relation to how powerful he thought I was, and that he would always fear I was going to leave him.

Any insights would be really appreciated <3 And yes, I will go back for therapy...

**michelle23** · 02-12-13, 06:04 PM

Maybe you show weakness. Only a certain type of men are attracted to weak women. Im not saying your weak coz your obviously strong for not being a doormat but being too nice may give that impression.

Can you describe how they take you for granted? What exactly happened to make you end this one? Im only asking encase your standards are possibily too high/unrealistic.

Maybe your a shining knight. Do you try to "save" men who are going through a tough time.. helping them fix their problems or get over a breakup.. could they all be emotionally unavailable when you meet them? (White knight syndrome i think its called)

Do you go for guys who are insecure? Maybe they think your out of their league so they sabatage it coz they think it wont work out anyway..

I cant think of anything else without more info

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**violet11** · 02-12-13, 06:26 PM

Thanks for the response Michelle

I don't know if I show weakness... not initially anyway. I'm friendly and make people laugh. Being too nice could be the problem. I hate power games. I just want the relationship to be equal, but the guy always turns it into a power struggle. And once I get invested, I stupidly always put the guy's feelings first (until they push me to breaking point).

Taking me for granted: making next to no effort with me. Don't do anything that's out of their comfort zone, even get lazy in the bedroom (I'm very generous). This last ex started avoiding me (I wrote about it on a thread called Can-a-complicated-relationship-get-resolved)

Umm... yeah... most of my exes have been just out of relationships. It's really weird. I never know they're just out of a relationship when I first start seeing them.

I think this last ex did try to sabotage things. I know now that he loves me but doesn't feel ready; doesnt want to lose me but cant handle being with me, so he behaved in a way that made me leave him. Which I think was his fear all along

**basilandthyme** · 02-12-13, 07:30 PM

You're right about how always putting the guy's feelings first is stupid. If you want a relationship to be equal, you have to start putting your feelings and needs on an equal standing with his from the very beginning.

**TablesandChairs** · 03-12-13, 02:26 AM

Could it be that these guys are attracted to you because you're 'easy' (in the sense that you don't ask for much, you don't nag and are and you accept things). So, naturally, this is what they expect - the status quo. They start taking you for granted because they think they can - if you exude 'strength', then they'll think...'well, no need to do anything to make her feel loved or wanted, she's tough!'.

It's good to have some expectations - don't be the bottomless pit of giving and compassion because you'll attract takers and as soon as you have an expectation of them, no matter how small, they don't like it.

Instead, know your worth - don't make much more effort than is being shown to you and don't put on a brave face when something is pissing you off. Be upfront about it. You can be a nice person without being a door-mat - they need to know that you won't accept anything/everything and that effort will be required of them. I reckon you'll have an easier time attracting people who can give/compromise that way.

Just some thoughts.

**violet11** · 03-12-13, 04:00 AM

Thanks Tables and Chairs - that was really insightful!

Thanks basilandthyme

**michelle23** · 03-12-13, 06:51 AM

Ya i think you need to be more demanding tbh. You say "he gets lazy in bed, you give and he takes". Well you should be more demanding in that sense its supposed to be 50/50. Dont let him get lazy and dont keep giving if your getting nothing..

How long does a typical relationship last for you? Maybe your giving up too easily. Most people change for each other a little when it becomes more solid and your "in love". You kinda have to go through this power struggle stage to get there. Look up the 9 stages of love. It may help you

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**MeloveeNetwork** · 03-12-13, 08:02 AM

Instead, know your worth - don't make much more effort than is being shown to you and don't put on a brave face when something is pissing you off. Be upfront about it. You can be a nice person without being a door-mat - they need to know that you won't accept anything/everything and that effort will be required of them. I reckon you'll have an easier time attracting people who can give/compromise that way.

**HDBadger** · 03-12-13, 08:12 AM

It sounds like you're bad at picking men. And it doesn't really sound more complicated than that. If this was just a one time thing, I would tend to point at the guy. But you said yourself it's a pattern.

If the guys you are going for are the Alpha, domineering, brooding types, you're going to run into problems just like this.

My bet is if you look for intelligence, kindness, and generosity first, your "problem" magically disappears.

But I also think you're going to have a hard time adjusting the way you select men. From what you wrote, it seems as if, similar to a lot of women, you're attracted to assholes. That's going to give you problems.

**violet11** · 03-12-13, 08:19 AM

Michelle, thank you so much! I googled nine stages of love and it's really helpful

I probably have given up too quickly in the past, so I held out with this last guy, but things kept getting worse, so now I'm ignoring him.

HDBadger, I dont like Alpha Males. I usually go for sensitive types who withdraw. I probably need a guy who is more fiery, but really I don't blame the guys I was with at all. I believe you're always 50% responsible for a situation, and I'm obviously doing something to bring out this same trait in them all.

**Wakeup** · 03-12-13, 08:42 AM

All I'm going to say is: You teach people how to treat you.

That's something for you to think about and come to your own conclusion.

**violet11** · 03-12-13, 11:06 AM

Thanks Wakeup. I hear you and understand.

**smiling100** · 03-12-13, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by violet11;

Umm... yeah... most of my exes have been just out of relationships. It's really weird. I never know they're just out of a relationship when I first start seeing them.

I think this last ex did try to sabotage things. I know now that he loves me but doesn't feel ready; doesnt want to lose me but cant handle being with me, so he behaved in a way that made me leave him. Which I think was his fear all along

Don't get involved with guys who have recently come out of something.

They are not emotionally available even if they say they are.

**michelle23** · 03-12-13, 03:19 PM

Perhaps you ignore red flags? Do you get totally lost in infatuation overlooking subtle warning signs and then 6months later think wtf?

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**violet11** · 03-12-13, 11:09 PM

Originally Posted by smiling100

Don't get involved with guys who have recently come out of something.

They are not emotionally available even if they say they are.

I totally agree.... this is the weird thing though: I never know they're fresh out of a relationship until I develop feelings for them. In the case of my recent ex: it was only after three dates that he mentioned his ex. I seem to subconsciously be attracted to men on the rebound, and I'm not sure why...

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