Is this the best way to handle this situation?

[RobertWQ]

Ok, for those of you who have seen my other threads, you probably know about that asian girl who was my partner in bio lab this semester I like who has a boyfriend but has been flirting with or at least very friendly with me.

I like her, and I know that she likes me also. I don't know if she wants to break up with her boyfriend of 2.5 years, but I know she does like me and wants to continue a relationship of some form.

Here's how I know:


- The semester is over, and there is no school related reason for us to continue talking. However, she told me she owed me for all the help I gave her this semester and said she wants to treat me to lunch.

- Today was our final in bio lecture. Before the final she came and found me where I was sitting and we chatted, touching, etc. AFTER the final (I stayed the whole period) she just happened to be leaving exactly when I was and came over to me and she walked me to the light rail station, and I hugged her. When she was talking to me I could see something in her eyes that to me seemed like affection / love / being moved / emotion, or something like that (not my best area).



Anyway, so I want to have lunch with her over Winter vacation at least, but I also don't like being in such limbo with respect to her boyfriend.


So I figure there are two choices basically:


- I can try to seduce her, break her and her boyfriend up, and make her my girlfriend. I think this would be a mess for several reasons. For one, it may not work and make things uncomfortable, for another, I'm not the best at this type of thing; it could also cause a real mess given she's in a relationship, etc.



- So here is what I'm thinking of doing. I have lunch with her, and I basically tell her: "I like you. And I know you have a boyfriend. However, if anything happens with you guys, if you break up or whatever and you are interested in that point, I think you'd make a wonderful girlfriend / I'd like to date you. And in the meantime, I think we enjoy each other's company and can be friends."


Is this the best way to handle it? I feel like if I'm not upfront, then I'll be in limbo feelings-wise about this girl, and it could go on and on without anything happening other than me posting her about what that thing she did or said today might mean about whether she wants to date me now or not.


However, is this likely to make things awkward between us or something along those lines? And, is there ANOTHER, better way to handle this that I'm not thinking. Ladies, your help / advice would be very appreciated.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Go with option 2. DO NOT say you can be friends though. After the lunch(provided she accepts), stop talking to her.

[RobertWQ]

I don't want to play a lot of games with this girl like I would with a girl I don't care about as much. I see what you're saying on the friends thing though. Maybe I'll just say "well in the meantime we enjoy each other's company." But I don't want to stop talking to her to get her to chase me ...

[basilandthyme]

Robert if this girl wrote on here for advice, she'd receive an avalanche of posts telling her that it's inappropriate to stay friends (or enjoy each other's company) with a man who's fond of her while she has a boyfriend.

If you want to tell her that you're open to a relationship, do so. But then tell her that you can't be friends (or study mates or whatever) while she has a boyfriend because you have feelings for her. Tell her that you'd love to hear from her if she finds herself single.

[RobertWQ]

Well in that case I'm not going to say anything ....


How is this supposed to develop otherwise? I'm not going to stop talking to her, so let's eliminate that option.


I just think this is a difficult situation.


Ok, let's say I keep spending time with her and something does happen. Then her and her boyfriend break up. But what if she's actually better off with him?


The reason I wanted to do it this way was to give her a choice, so she can think over everything and make the best decision for her, while knowing I'm an option, while getting to know me better.

[basilandthyme]

She has a boyfriend: it's not SUPPOSED to develop between the two of you.

[RobertWQ]

I know. But haven't you ever met a guy when you had a boyfriend that you thought might be better for you than the guy you were with? What did you do?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dude, you're a ****ing sap. Just as pathetic as when you first got here.

You deserve to get played like you are.

[basilandthyme]

Back in my younger years, I did have a few flings on the side. But at no time did I ever think that they'd be a better choice than the boy I was dating at the time. Leaving the boyfriend for another guy was never an option.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

In college I "dated", ****ed, and fell for a chick with a boyfriend. We were friends(while I had a gf), and hooked up for months afterward. I met her boyfriend and had him in my apartment, during the time I was nailing his chick. She even told him we were hooking up, and she came down to visit me during a break against a raging boyfriend and her parents. Imagine, a straight up Italian chick from the Northeast going to spend the week with a black dude that she's been nailing behind her fiance's back and in front of his face, during her Xmas break. Ruined their joint family Xmas over it. I thought I had it made. She was gargling and swallowing my nut and everything. I was sure she was gonna leave him.


Yeah, they're married now.

[searock]

Tell her you like her and that if she ever breaks up you'd love to go on a date with her, but do NOT attempt at "being friends" with her. You can't be friends with someone you are attracted to. It's even worse if she is in a relationship (which she is).

A good friend of mine was in a relationship when another guy approached her and told her that if she ever broke up, he would have loved to date her. He never mentioned "being friends in the meanwhile" (that would have been absurd and a dumb suggestion). After a year or so, she broke up and the next time she met him, she went up to him and told him that if he was still interested, she would love to date him because she was single by then. They began dating and had a long term relationship (it ended after over 5 years due to problems that had absolutely nothing to do with the way they met).

[RobertWQ]

Back in my younger years, I did have a few flings on the side. But at no time did I ever think that they'd be a better choice than the boy I was dating at the time. Leaving the boyfriend for another guy was never an option.

So you're saying you always break up with a boyfriend first before you find another guy?

[basilandthyme]

So you're saying you always break up with a boyfriend first before you find another guy?

100% of the time.

[RobertWQ]

And you never had another guy in mind when you did this? That is the ideal way to go about it. I just don't think that's true for a lot of women. I mean I think a lot find a guy before they leave the current one, especially if they feel particularly vulnerable.

[searock]

Robert, most of the times when a person that is in a relationship thinks about someone else, they only think about that person because they don't feel satisfied with their relationship. It's a way to escape from the relationship. It doesn't mean that they want to get in a relationship with the other person: that person will, at "best", be a temporary rebound. There are exceptions to this, but they are very rare.