I'm honestly not sure what signs she's giving me and how to read her.

[amm7s]

So I apologize in advance for the fact that this is going to be an overly long winded rant filled with loads of overthinking, but if anyone can make it through the whole thing and give me some insight, that would be appreciated. I'm not so much looking for advice on what to do, so much as insight.

I just started a new job back in October, and I met a woman there. I was instantly attracted to her, but because we are co workers I didn't want to make a move. But we talked and teased each other, and soon became Facebook friends. We continued talking and teasing each other thru that as well. But I did soon learn that she is a conservative Christian, which is notable because I am a liberal agnostic. Through some minimal conversation with her on the subject, I have come to determine that this is not a red flag, and while I am aware of the potential issues that may arise from this, I don't think it will be a problem. I even mentioned it to her at one point, telling her that it was one reason why I hesitated asking her out, I wasn't sure if it would have been a deal breaker for her, and that I should have just talked to her about it instead of assuming. Her response to that was "Yes, it would have been better to ask me", so it doesn't seem to be an issue on her end either. Also of note, she's a self described introvert.

But anyways, contact continued, and she made a post about how she made a really good dessert and I teased her asking where's mine? To which she joked she was eating it. At work later I continued to playfully tease her about it and she said that maybe she'd bring me some. She did the next day, and in my attempt to be playful I was admittedly kind of a dick. I told her, in the break room in front of everybody "I guess this means I have to be nice to you now... that will be pretty hard for me" which I think sort of embarrassed her, and later I told her " I can't really be much nicer to you, that's as good as it gets" to which she said "we're gonna have to work on that", and I could tell she was a bit frustrated. I later apologized, telling her I took it too far and I didn't mean anything by it, but I still went too far. She agreed that I did but said she appreciated my apology and that it wasn't a big deal.

Anyways, we continued being friendly, and soon enough I decided I wasn't so worried about her being a co-worker. One friday night after work, I asked her if she had plans for the weekend. She mentioned a couple things but said she didn't have much. I asked her if she wanted to make plans, and she got nervous (I read it as a good nervous, a "he's actually talking to me!!!" nervous) and said she was hosting a game night at her church I could come to but that she didn't live in my city, and she was in another city an hour away. This caught me off guard, and as I did have actual plans with family, I ended up having to turn down my own date request, but we kept in touch and she suggested a couple other things we could do at later dates.

Unfortunately, none of the backup plans ever came to fruition as one of us was always busy. And one day, she was telling me about her schooling (she's attending seminary pursuing a PHd) and I told her I'd love for her to tell me more about what she's studying over our lunch date when we make it happen. She told me that lunch probably wouldn't happen soon because she was busy with school, church, and the holidays (this was before Thanksgiving). I kinda took that as she wasn't really interested, so I started not worrying about it but we were still keeping I'm touch.

Somewhere along the line we started talking through Facebook PM's, and she was messaging me with conversation on a daily basis, on top of when we'd see each other at work. And at work she was starting to seem upset about something. I asked her what was wrong, and she confirmed that she was upset but didn't wanna talk about it. She later opened up to me and told me basically that she had dated someone we work with, but he dumped her to pursue another girl at work, and that's basically caused her problems at work as the other girl comes here with a whole group of people that all go to the same college together, and those people all treat her poorly. She said it was her fault for being the idiot that decided to date a co worker.

I gave her words of support, and finally told her "I hope you're not too soured on dating co workers, because I'm a bit interested myself". She told me that she was starting to get the idea that I was interested, but that she was already dealing with the consequences of dating a co worker and that while she said her ex was an asshole, it had only been a couple months and she wasn't totally healed and ready to try again yet.

I told her I understood, and that I was still interested and if the time came where she felt she was interested, I'd still love to take her out. But despite the apparent rejection, she started opening up even more with me, even telling me that the stuff with her ex bothers her thru her whole drive home and she knows shes too old to let it bother her but it still hurts her feelings. The next day she messaged me first thing in the morning. She asked me how my day the night before was, and I told her I had asked out this total hottie yesterday, and she blushed and had a positive response to that.

The next day at work she was real visibly upset still, and was saying things through the day about everything that had been going on. So when we were saying our byes for the night I told her "I know its easier said than done but don't let that stuff get you down. You have too pretty a smile to lose it to this pettiness. And if you need something to make you smile, just think about that date I still need to take you on." When I said that, she blushed and her eyes lit up and she showed a huge smile and it was obvious she liked my saying that.

And now just within the past few days, we've talked about our christmas dinner at work, talking about if we were going. She said she was going, and that she went out and bought a new dress for the dinner. So again I started flirting with her, telling her I'm sure she's gonna look great, but that she always does. Again, blushing and responding positively to me saying that. She said that she had made arrangements to not be placed near the group of people she's had problems with, so I told her she could sit with me, and that I'd love the company of a beautiful woman. She told me to go early to the restaurant and swap my name card at the table to be next to hers, and all week she's been telling me she's glad I decided to go to the dinner. She was also joking about the fact hat a lot of the other girls dress slutty to these dinners, and I called her out saying she was acting kind of catty. She insisted she wasn't being catty, just saying that its entertaining. I responded saying "normally I probably would enjoy the view but I think another girl with a sense of class in her new dress is going to have my attention" to which her reply was just "you're pretty confident" with a smile behind it.

Despite all that, my "friendzone" alarm went off when she gave me a christmas card with a really sweet message in it thanking me for all the encouragement I've given her and my positive attitude, and my overall presence in her life, but finished it off with "I appreciate your friendship". I had a moment where I took that as confirmation that I was friend zoned, but I finally took a deep breath and realized its just a christmas card, and what she did write was actually very sweet and touching.

Through all that story, we still talk daily in some fashion. Almost all communication is initiated by her and whether we're flirting or not its always very positive.

However, the night of the Christmas dinner, I felt went a bit differently. During the day, she sent me her daily Facebook PM on her break, and she told me that since it was the last day of classes (we work at a school), she was going to have a party with her class in the afternoon, doing games, art, listening to music, etc. I replied back flirtingly asking her if that was an invitation. She responded saying yes, so I told her I'd have to drop by. Which I did, and her and I shared some nice conversation for a short time, but I did have to get back to my own class (I'm a floater, with 2 other teachers in my class, so I wasn't neglecting my own duties to talk to her). Another teacher came in to cover her for her break, so I walked out with her, and I told her I'd walk out with her tonight after work (I work a 2nd job after this one, and monday - thursday I have to immediately rush off to get to the second job so I don't have much time to talk to her. But this dinner was last friday, so I didn't have rehearsal to rush off to).

As I saw her during the final shift of the day after classes, I was talking to her about all the gifts I'd received from students, and how much chocolate I got. I told her I'd offer to share some with her, but I know she's not a chocolate eater (something she told me previously), and she started talking about how she doesn't have much of a sweet tooth, etc. I told her "I don't get that", and then followed it up with "And if you don't do chocolate, what am I supposed to get you for Valentine's Day? You're gonna make me get creative!" But I felt my first sting of the night when she said kind of matter of factly "You're not supposed to get me anything." and then a moment later said "Valentine's Day isn't even for 2 months". So I just told her "Well I'm not gonna get it right now!" and we went on with the rest of our shift.

After it was done, I offered to help her carry some of her things, because she had a LOT, and she started telling me "you don't have to wait for me, I'm going to be about 15-20 minutes, you don't have to wait", and I told her that was fine, I still had to change myself, and do a couple things in the office (all true), so I was going to be around for a bit myself. Anyways, I probably won't get to talk to you much at dinner since you'll be at your table and I'll be at mine. She replied saying "Yes, that's true", but I was starting to lose my confidence a bit, and playfully said "Unless of course you're trying to run me off?" to which she immediately replied saying "No, I'm not trying to do that, I don't want to do that", so I ended up waiting for her.

When she did get done though, and we were walking to her car, she hadn't changed. She told me that she had changed into her new dress, but one of the directors told her to change back, saying "It's still a work function, not your first date". Apparently they thought the dress was too short, and inappropriate. So I told her "If it makes you feel any better, I appreciate your short dress" and she laughed and said "Of course you do, you're a guy, what guy doesn't?" to which I just replied saying "Yes, but you've got the legs for it."

So we get to her car, and I ask her to show me the dress, since she wasn't able to wear it that night. It was actually a really nice dress, and I didn't feel it was inappropriate at all (especially after seeing how some of the other women were dressed), and I told her that it was a nice dress and that I know she'd look great in it.

But I continued the flirting, and I don't know if I took it too far. I told her "You're going to make this whole us not dating yet thing real difficult on me aren't you? Well like they say, anything worth having is worth waiting for." I didn't get much of a response, it almost felt like I caught her off guard and she didn't know what to say, so we just left it at that and went to dinner.

I got there before she did, and we were at separate tables, but we were seated in a way where we were facing each other. Throughout the night, I kept catching her looking at me, and due to how the night had gone previously, I didn't know how to respond, if I should acknowledge her, or if I should just keep doing what I was doing at my own table and not really notice her. So I did a little of both, sometimes I'd smile, and sometimes I'd just keep talking at my table. But like I said, I did catch her looking at me all through the night. Then things became a bit more awkward for me, as I was seated right next to her ex boyfriend from work, and sitting right across from another young, attractive woman who was very hard not to notice.

As it was, when I finally left, I made my rounds through the room saying my byes to everyone, and then when I got to her, I gave her a huge, and a kiss on the cheek, and I told her to have a good break, and "don't be a stranger", to which she just said "uh huh", and I walked away feeling rather defeated. Feeling like, maybe I overdid things and pushed her away. I kind of expected not to hear from her anytime soon, and sure enough, the next day I didn't get my daily message from her. Then I didn't get my message from her on Sunday morning like she had typically done as well, so I was really starting to feel like I messed up and any chance I had was dead. But she actually did message me Sunday evening, and we chatted briefly, and she didn't make any mention of anything I may have done wrong at the dinner or that night at work. Since then, she has continued to message me, albeit not daily, but it has been Christmas as well, but she has been messaging me, and it's pretty much been business as usual. Slightly playful, a bit flirty on my end, and no real indication on her end that I did something wrong or that something is wrong.

Basically what I'm torn on is 2 feelings. The pessimist in me says "she's already said 'no' (well she didn't used the word 'no' but you know what I mean) and if she was interested then she would go out with me".

But there's an optimistic side that says "I think a part of her does like me and that does want to go out, and that time will come but that time isn't right now because she's still doing some emotional healing of her own situation", because I feel if she WASN'T interested on some level she would make that clear when I'm flirting with her and complimenting her and telling her that I'm still interested and yes, that its still eventually going to happen.

She's also leaving for a new job at some point, so we won't have the obstruction of being co workers for long.

Maybe I'm just crazy. Well alright I am crazy, and if this thread proves one thing its that I overthink. And I know I'm overthinking this, but I can really see this going either way and I'm not sure what to think. I see a bit of hope that maybe she is interested and this could work out, but I'm also afraid to get my hopes up only to get burned in the end.

If you made it thru this far, thank you for bearing with me thru my rants and overthinking, and apologies for being a big ol' idiot about this stuff lol.

[smackie9]

There is no way I'm going to read all that....you have OCD?

[smackie9]

Ok I sped read a few parts, She said no...don't take being nice as romantic interest. So stop pressing the maybe button over and over and over and over and over and over...............

[amm7s]

So you don't think the fact that I have been 100% completely open and honest with her about the fact that I still want to date her, and even completely open and honest with her about the fact that I still -think- her and I will end up dating, has no bearing on how she's acting?

[RipVanWinkleX]

Your setting yourself up for disappointment. You are a friend only.

[smackie9]

She told you no, so she feels since you are still around treating her nice that would mean you are open to being friends.

[AnErin]

I am guessing she is at least cute?
You probably think about her a lot and really want to be dating. She seems kind of weird.

Assuming she is not wanting to date, the best thing to do is to not waste time or money on her. Find several women you want to date and give each one somewhat of a shot. Do not make the mistake of getting to wrapped up in any one though cause if that round of prospects all fall through, all you have to do is round up another circle of prospects.

[amm7s]

Thanks for the input everyone. You all will be happy to know that you were right. She made it very clear today that her and I will not be dating.

[smackie9]

This isn't why give advice to prove you wrong. We give advice to share our knowledge from our experiences, in order to help the OP make better choices to help themselves.


Sorry things didn't work out for you. I hope you will find someone who does have an interest in dating you....best of luck

[Luis64]

I read the complete story. I feel based on your story she is interested. Maybe because of her religious believe you might be coming out a bit too aggressive which it could be making her hold a bit back. I see that also you guys are playing wayyyyyy too many games. Although you are saying the right things, maybe you should actually do more, ex. Surprise her by contacting her first every now and then. Also on a day you know she is available plan something nice (like a casual date) that way she cannot say she won't be able to make it (that will be a plus to know if she is interested or not). If everything seems good be straightforward. Tell her how you feel and if you don't get the feed back you're specting "RUN FORREST, RUN!!!".

Is obvious you like her a lot and you don't have much to loose; either you get the opportunity to be with the girl you want to be with or you will know if is time to move on.

Best of luck and hope whatever happens is for your best.

[smackie9]

I read the complete story. I feel based on your story she is interested. Maybe because of her religious believe you might be coming out a bit too aggressive which it could be making her hold a bit back. I see that also you guys are playing wayyyyyy too many games. Although you are saying the right things, maybe you should actually do more, ex. Surprise her by contacting her first every now and then. Also on a day you know she is available plan something nice (like a casual date) that way she cannot say she won't be able to make it (that will be a plus to know if she is interested or not). If everything seems good be straightforward. Tell her how you feel and if you don't get the feed back you're specting "RUN FORREST, RUN!!!".

Is obvious you like her a lot and you don't have much to loose; either you get the opportunity to be with the girl you want to be with or you will know if is time to move on.

Best of luck and hope whatever happens is for your best.

Dude read his damn post number 8.......she told him flat out she will not be dating him.

[Luis64]

Dude read his damn post number 8.......she told him flat out she will not be dating him.

I took too long reading the story! Lmfao

Thanks smakie