Feeling jealous? Possessive? I don't know how to deal?

[constance]

Hi everyone-

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and he's always had a couple of friends that are girls that he was close with before I came along. They were all good high school friends from another country and they all met again here in CA. Anyways, I was completely fine with that until one day, I heard one of them (who is the closest to my bf) talk crap about me and him. She was comparing me to his ex-gf and saying how the ex was much more fun and better than me. Then she started talking about him too. After that incident, I stopped hanging out with them and never go to hangouts with my bf whenever she or his group of girl friends come along. What EXTREMELY bothers me about this is that... I told him about this and he never took the time to defend me or US to his friends. He doesn't hang out with them as much anymore and I never forced that on him, but whenever he does hang out with them for their birthdays or occasional hang outs, I feel so annoyed, mad, disappointed, and just fill up with negative emotions. I try not to show this, but I'm not that hard to read. I have had talks with him about this and he just nods and says that he understands, yet doesn't do anything about it. If I could force him, I would want my bf to ditch them as friends. However, I'm not like that with him, he can make his own decisions. It wouldn't be fair to him if he just cuts his close high school friends, but it bothers me so much.... and the feeling of disappointment comes back every.single.time. It drives me crazy.... is this being jealous? Possessive? What to do?

I don't want to break up with him or get another guy over this, so let's not make those suggestions. Everything besides that is wonderful. I just wish he realizes how I feel about this situation and makes me feel better.

[smackie9]

His friend just made an observation and you have blown it out of proportion. The reality is not everyone is going to like you, or say positive things about you. People have such private conversations.....it's normal. Oh well you just happen to hear it first hand. I'm sure there are friends of my husband's that are not too keen on me either but I don't give a rat's ass what they think, but it doesn't give me the right to tell him to get rid of his friends over it....that IMO is wrong.

I can see if she went out of her way to break you guys up by causing drama between you, but it was only an honest comment. Get over it because obviously it's not affecting your relationship in the least.

And don't tell me you never spoke ill or gossiped about someone negatively....we are all guilty of that. Most of the time it's best to ignore it, especially if it's a private conversation. I think it's childish to get into someone face about it when it was just words between two people. It's harmless. So get off your BF's back about it. I'm sure if he was there he would have defended you.

[smackie9]

To add I think this is more about that you feel they might be right that you are lesser that his ex and you are a little butt hurt about it. It's making you feel insecure about your BF's feelings towards you, like he's the one comparing you to his ex. That's your own insecurities talkin.

[Valixy]

I believe your boyfriend is wrong on ignoring how much this affects you and not offering you more emotional support. If he would actually discuss this with you instead of just nodding his head, you'd probably be able to get over this super quickly. I suppose you are all pretty young and at your age the concept of loyalty is still developing, which could explain his female friends' nasty comments. You do good in ignoring them, his ex is an ex for a reason and he has been with you for three years and this requires no other explanation

Those girls might be slow maturing and imagining that 3 years later their friend would be and hang out like he used to in high school. Fortunately neither you and him seem to have this problem and are building up a serious relationship that the eternal (and maybe a bit jealous too) high school girls can't have. Maybe when they'll work a bit more on their personality they will

I honestly think that they represent a connection to an important time of his life that he doesn't want to lose completely. Also he probably still needs to learn to communicate these things to you, but he has already started to see them less than he used to and more importantly, those girls represent his past, who he was, while you represent his future and who he is going to be. Enjoy your beautiful relationship and don't worry about two immature girls who still lack quite a bit of personality.

[TheEvilJester]

Was her part of the conversation, or was this friend of his talking to somebody else? Because I would agree that he should have defended you and your relationship if she was talking to him directly. If you overheard it, and then told him later, I'm not so sure I would agree that he should say anything about it. That would be a little awkward, as she would wonder how he heard about what she said. That could cause trouble with her friends, as she'd think they blabbed to him, or if she knew the truth, it could just cause issues between you and her. It could cause trouble between him and this friend, or even cause trouble for your relationship with your boyfriend.

Was what she said very nasty? In other words, was it very negative towards you? Or was it sort of just an observation on her part? I am not saying that makes it okay. She shouldn't be talking negatively about you at all, much less behind your back, and behind your boyfriend's. But, if it was more so just a small observation on her part, then all you can do is continue to prove her wrong. What I would suppose your boyfriend should do is to talk you up, and talk about how awesome your relationship is. If this friend of his wants to think less of you than his ex (who is obviously his ex for a reason) then that is her problem. You and your boyfriend enjoy your relationship, and who gives a crap what she thinks? Either she will change her mind and, it can all be water under the bridge, or she won't and why will that matter to you? Either way, good luck. :-)

[constance]

It was her talking to people in a group that he is included in. It's not HER and whoever is talking crap that I have a problem with. I can't do anything about that nor do I really care if I am compared to the ex. I know she is an ex for a reason. It's my boyfriend that doesn't seem to care that his good close girl friends are talking about his girlfriend. Simply nodding and saying that he understands does not make me feel good. He's not defending me nor says anything back. He knows they talk crap all the time yet doesn't do anything about it. I happen to actually hear it for myself, but he even admits he hears it too. If I was in a situation where my good friends were talking smack about the person I really love, I would be quite defensive and talk back and defend him ESPECIALLY if he has done absolutely nothing wrong. I wouldn't want to be around people who talks badly about anyone for no reason.

It's just bothering me that he seems to be OKAY with all of this. I don't think I am blowing this out of proportion at all.

[Mademoiselle V]

I agree with that totally but how do you stop your own insecurities talking? how do you totally trust someone's feeling when that person doesn't support you the way you beg to be supported? We know when we are pain in the butt but as women, we always manage to explain it, to send a "help me".. "not feeling right there.. make it all better please".. so how can't men listen to those calls and try to make it all better? and each time a call is not answered, there is a little crack appearing in our trust... insecurities or not, there is a problem but any advices about how to stop insecurities would be greatly appreciated.

[surfhb2]

Two sides to every story on this one What exactly did this other girl say?

He's a guy....were not going to jump on every emotional ride in the park. Not a big deal since Im sure your BF doesnt think your boring.....thats all that matter really. Why would we drop friendships just because one of his friends think you're boring? Guys dont work that way....we nod our heads and let it go and move on with life ( sound familiar ?)

Besides, you ladies are always talking shit about one another on some level.....we usually just blow it off

[smackie9]

So what have you done about it exactly?? Have you expressed your feelings about it to him and expressed your disappointment about his reaction to it? or are you one of those that sits there thinking you shouldn't have to.

[constance]

I met her twice and she's talking smack about not JUST me, but him as well. Honestly it doesn't even matter what she says, that's not my point of this post. My point is that he didn't do anything about it. Regardless of who does what.... it would be nice to know that my boyfriend of 3 years is willing to DEFEND HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND. That's like him not doing anything about it if people are making fun of me and I'm not enjoying it. I'm not asking him to get into an argument with his friends.... but at least say something about it. They might have been "making jokes" or playing around.... but it wasn't fun hearing all of that from his close friend. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. I never did anything.

And I have discussed how I felt about this and all he does is nod and says he understands. THEN DO SOMETHING. Argh. I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to. I just don't know what else to do.

[smackie9]

Looks like you just wasted 3 and half years dating a p ussy.

[surfhb2]

I still say we need to hear the other side of the story. I mean if she was calling you an asshole behind your back and your BF didnt back you up thats one thing but I have a strange feeling it didnt go down that way. Even you said: "they might have been making jokes or playing around..."

[someguyintexas]

Two sides to every story on this one What exactly did this other girl say?

He's a guy....were not going to jump on every emotional ride in the park. Not a big deal since Im sure your BF doesnt think your boring.....thats all that matter really. Why would we drop friendships just because one of his friends think you're boring? Guys dont work that way....we nod our heads and let it go and move on with life ( sound familiar ?)

Besides, you ladies are always talking shit about one another on some level.....we usually just blow it off

Wow, real advise and it was good! Spot on sir hope she listens to you.

[isolde.darling]

I believe your boyfriend is wrong on ignoring how much this affects you and not offering you more emotional support. If he would actually discuss this with you instead of just nodding his head, you'd probably be able to get over this super quickly. I suppose you are all pretty young and at your age the concept of loyalty is still developing, which could explain his female friends' nasty comments. You do good in ignoring them, his ex is an ex for a reason and he has been with you for three years and this requires no other explanation

Those girls might be slow maturing and imagining that 3 years later their friend would be and hang out like he used to in high school. Fortunately neither you and him seem to have this problem and are building up a serious relationship that the eternal (and maybe a bit jealous too) high school girls can't have. Maybe when they'll work a bit more on their personality they will

I honestly think that they represent a connection to an important time of his life that he doesn't want to lose completely. Also he probably still needs to learn to communicate these things to you, but he has already started to see them less than he used to and more importantly, those girls represent his past, who he was, while you represent his future and who he is going to be. Enjoy your beautiful relationship and don't worry about two immature girls who still lack quite a bit of personality.

EXACTLY!

[Valixy]

It was her talking to people in a group that he is included in. It's not HER and whoever is talking crap that I have a problem with. I can't do anything about that nor do I really care if I am compared to the ex. I know she is an ex for a reason. It's my boyfriend that doesn't seem to care that his good close girl friends are talking about his girlfriend. Simply nodding and saying that he understands does not make me feel good. He's not defending me nor says anything back. He knows they talk crap all the time yet doesn't do anything about it. I happen to actually hear it for myself, but he even admits he hears it too. If I was in a situation where my good friends were talking smack about the person I really love, I would be quite defensive and talk back and defend him ESPECIALLY if he has done absolutely nothing wrong. I wouldn't want to be around people who talks badly about anyone for no reason.

It's just bothering me that he seems to be OKAY with all of this. I don't think I am blowing this out of proportion at all.

The people we meet and fall in love with are not perfect, they will fail on us sometimes. This could be because they are less affected by some things than we are, have a different perspective on certain situations or they simply need to develop some qualities, as we do others. It's just life. If everything else is wonderful in your relationship as you say, try to be patient. No relationship has survived time without facing each other's limitations and forgiveness sometimes.

Hopefully he'll understand that you need a different attitude from him or maybe you'll be able to detach and concentrate on the positive. This won't be a permanent situation anyway, so try not to treat it like one.