Ex GF wanted to get back together - now isn't sure. Feel like a yo-yo...

[777doom]

Hi Girls, I was wondering if you might be able to understand my ex, of course everyone is different I understand but I would like an alternative opinion.

I’ll try keep it short:

I was in a relationship for 9 months of which the last 3 were long-distance as she had to move back to her own country. After going to see her in September for 5 days, she broke up with me on the last day and cried her eyes out.

There wasn’t a single clear reason for doing so but on reflection she seemed to have many doubts about the distance and how we would cope as she was due to start uni a couple of weeks later.

3/4 days after the breakup she says she thinks she rushed the decision and did in fact want to try while she was starting uni, I rushed back into it (which I shouldn’t have done but I was freshly heartbroken) and then another week later she broke up again after having a shitty entrance exam which she thought she had failed.

We spoke for a week longer then I told her I couldn’t speak anymore because it was keeping my hopes up and I went NC for a month.

At the end of the month I broke NC as I couldn’t bare it and we began to speak about once a week and over the next 2 months she said a few different things including:

She missed me
Still loved me (and wanted to prove it)
Her best friends said it was the worst decision of her life

She admitted to maybe making a mistake and I told her I didn’t think she knew what she wanted, but she replied saying she wanted to be with me. She said she could come to my country for a day in February so we could talk about things but when it got closer to actually having to take action and book eurostar tickets she didn’t seem to be ‘trying’ particularly hard.

Around this time she has also just started to revise intensely for January exams.

I asked how she felt about things and she said she wasn’t sure she could change some of the problems we had been speaking about and that she didn’t know if it was a good idea for her to come and speak to me. She said she didn’t want to get together and then have to stop again in 4 months.I was really disappointed and we decided not to speak for now, she said she thought she was lost. Next day I found out that she had stopped replying to me that night because she was so upset that she physically threw up.

I told her that only if she was 100% confident about what she wanted then we could talk again and we haven’t spoken since then.

Why was she so upset if she wasn’t even putting the effort in to reconcile?
Why do I feel like a yo-yo?

It feels like whenever she encounters stress in her life (first: moving to uni – we break up and second: revising hard for exams and she stops putting effort in) I seem to bear the brunt?

She responds very badly to stress and I feel like we could actually have a good shot at a second chance if she was only a bit more positive and as willing to work on things as I am. I am really determined to make it work and I’ve identified the problems we had and how to try and go about fixing/accepting them.

Only in the past 2 weeks really has she turned around and I’m having a very hard time getting her to open-up and discuss things like adults, she feels very emotionally immature to me but I want to understand exactly what she is feeling.

I have fallen more in love with her in the past 2 weeks so it is terrible timing for her to drop this on me again and I probably need to back-off for now but if anyone is willing to give an opinion then it would be much appreciated! Feel free to ask any questions as well!

Thanks!

[smackie9]

It's a real tough time for her so you need to take the pressure off, stop talking about the relationship and just be supportive through her stressful time. She will be ready to talk about things in her own time....that's providing you are willing to give her her space to adjust to uni and sort out her feelings. Don't be callin her immature, she has a lot on her plate right now, and doesn't have the emotional capacity to handle it. Give her a break.

[Wakeup]

Leave her alone now and start the process of getting over her. She's in no position to be in a monogamous relationship at the moment and she'll just keep waffling like she has been. If she loved you, trust me stress wouldn't cause her to leave you, it would cause her to tell you "I'm stressed with exams and if I'm distant in the next couple of weeks it's because I need to concentrate on this right now." BUT... she didn't do that she just bailed on you. When my daughter was stressed over exams and the new life at uni that is exactly how she handled it with her boyfriend and they are married now. She didn't break up with him, she wasn't on and off with him. She was mature and she communicated and they got through it together.

You haven't "fallin in love with her more in these last 2 weeks" she's tormented you, stressed you out, made you feel you want something that is apparently going away from you so you're scared which you interpret as you really needing her now more then ever.

Anyway... don't contact her and when she hoovers you back in again in a month or two when she's not being the emotional basket case that she appears to be, then you will be of clear mind and thought so that you can decide if you want such a nut in your life full time. Careful what you wish for.

When you're with someone who doesn't know what they want, then you will always be angst ridden and anxious. Let her go and check out outher options once you've gotten over the shit-storm she's laid on you in the last 2 weeks.

Good luck.

[777doom]

It's a real tough time for her so you need to take the pressure off, stop talking about the relationship and just be supportive through her stressful time. She will be ready to talk about things in her own time....that's providing you are willing to give her her space to adjust to uni and sort out her feelings.

Thanks for your response smackie.

I am perfectly willing to do that but I don't want it to be one of those situations where we speak after her exams and she goes 'I met a nice guy called ...'. I don't really have a choice though I suppose. There is also the fact that in mid Feb I am starting my own course of training which will be very intense as well, but will actually bring me closer to her for about 7 weeks. She has suggested once before we could meet during this period as it would be easy for her to get a train to me (2h journey).

It just seems a bit selfish that as soon as she has to study for exams, she can't handle it - I get chucked out, and yet she suggested meeting when I will be doing just as much (if not more) work myself in Feb/March. I would probably be willing to do this even if it will interrupt my course slightly but it makes me feel so worthless right now that she wouldn't consider doing the same, even though she said she loved me so much - how can it be so strong when I am the first thing to go as soon as she gets stressed?

[777doom]

If she loved you, trust me stress wouldn't cause her to leave you, it would cause her to tell you "I'm stressed with exams and if I'm distant in the next couple of weeks it's because I need to concentrate on this right now." BUT... she didn't do that she just bailed on you. When my daughter was stressed over exams and the new life at uni that is exactly how she handled it with her boyfriend and they are married now. She didn't break up with him, she wasn't on and off with him. She was mature and she communicated and they got through it together.

This is exactly how I would have expected to approach it and I was shocked to be honest, this is the reason why I said she seemed emotionally immature.
She has admitted that she has trouble expressing her emotions / talking about them to me. It almost seems the reverse of most relationships where the guy doesn't communicate well. I want to help her so much but she won't let me.

[smackie9]

Everyone on is different on how much they can cope with....maybe she doesn't have the resilience like you do. I would stop taking this so personally...your constant questioning. If you can't handle it, then just end it and go no contact, because there is nothing you can do to change it. It is what it is take it or leave it.


You never know she may feel the same that you will meet someone because she isn't able to make the time...ever thought of that? Maybe that is why she fears opening up.

[Wakeup]

This is exactly how I would have expected to approach it and I was shocked to be honest, this is the reason why I said she seemed emotionally immature.
She has admitted that she has trouble expressing her emotions / talking about them to me. It almost seems the reverse of most relationships where the guy doesn't communicate well. I want to help her so much but she won't let me.

You can't help her to grow up... she has to do that on her own. I think that no matter how immature someone is that if they want a man in their life, if they love who they have been with then they will talk to one another and they will try. If they keep running, if they can't be open with you then I think you're probably with the wrong person.

You can get on with your life without hoping that she'll be coming back to you and if by chance as she works through things on her own, and actually grows, matures from being alone, she knows where you are and she'll contact you. Just don't go back to her if she's not 100% sure that you are who she wants even when life's stresses are taking their toll on her.

Zero contact will help you to clear your own head and help you to realize that you can't be a victim to her immaturity any longer because it hurts you and it's not fair to your own emotional health. You can't fix her... she needs to do that on her own.

[777doom]

Everyone on is different on how much they can cope with....maybe she doesn't have the resilience like you do. I would stop taking this so personally...your constant questioning. If you can't handle it, then just end it and go no contact, because there is nothing you can do to change it. It is what it is take it or leave it.
You never know she may feel the same that you will meet someone because she isn't able to make the time...ever thought of that? Maybe that is why she fears opening up.

I know that I have a hard time understanding how people don't come to the same conclusions as me...for me there is a very clear cut set of responses to different situations which seem to make sense to me. I know I need to be more accepting but it takes time to grow that - I am at least willing though.
I'm in the situation now where I do want to 'take it' but she isn't ready for that, I can wait for a while but only if she could honestly tell me 'this is what I want for us... blah blah blah'

[777doom]

You can't help her to grow up... she has to do that on her own. I think that no matter how immature someone is that if they want a man in their life, if they love who they have been with then they will talk to one another and they will try. If they keep running, if they can't be open with you then I think you're probably with the wrong person.

You can get on with your life without hoping that she'll be coming back to you and if by chance as she works through things on her own, and actually grows, matures from being alone, she knows where you are and she'll contact you. Just don't go back to her if she's not 100% sure that you are who she wants even when life's stresses are taking their toll on her.

Zero contact will help you to clear your own head and help you to realize that you can't be a victim to her immaturity any longer because it hurts you and it's not fair to your own emotional health. You can't fix her... she needs to do that on her own.

I can do this but the thing that hurts the most is knowing that maybe one day she will grow up and mature a bit and she would blossom into an amazing person, and then she will have someone else... I already know she has a heart of gold, she is a very caring and unique person. Yet somehow she wasn't good at projecting this into our relationship :/

[Wakeup]

What will it matter how she has "blossomed" or (more likely) not "blossomed?" If you have gotten on with your life? If she wants to be with you, she will contact you again and try to hoover you back in. If she never contacts you again, then what is the point of worrying about her and what she does or how she has grown or not if she never wanted to be with you anyway?

The bottomline here is that you have to let HER decide if she loves you enough to be able to handle you while life gets in the way. Right now, she can't. She's not mature like my daughter is... If at the age she is now, she hasn't grown enough to even be able to keep you but be honest with you about the stress and ask you to be patient with her, then she's not going to suddenly be the person you want her to be. She's years behind you.

Carry on with your life and leave her to hers. See other women, forget about her and if she ever contacts you again BE SURE SHE'S changed into someone who can handle a man along with what life throws her. I'd not even bother with her if she calls you before she's got her degree and figured out what she wants to do with her life. Can you even imagine how fkd up she's going to be if you're offered a job outside of where she's grown up and she can't decide if you're worth moving away with? What about if she can't get a job in her calling where she's been raised? So much to think about when you're so young and she's not full on with you.

[smackie9]

I know that I have a hard time understanding how people don't come to the same conclusions as me...for me there is a very clear cut set of responses to different situations which seem to make sense to me. I know I need to be more accepting but it takes time to grow that - I am at least willing though.
I'm in the situation now where I do want to 'take it' but she isn't ready for that, I can wait for a while but only if she could honestly tell me 'this is what I want for us... blah blah blah'

Well maybe right now she doesn't know. Maybe she doesn't have the mental capacity to sort all her emotions out, and instead acts hastily or hides because she doesn't have any answers for you.

Just tell her what you told us. You will wait but not forever. Give her a timeline and if she can't then just end it.

[777doom]

I'd not even bother with her if she calls you before she's got her degree and figured out what she wants to do with her life. Can you even imagine how fkd up she's going to be if you're offered a job outside of where she's grown up and she can't decide if you're worth moving away with? What about if she can't get a job in her calling where she's been raised? .

Well her degree is 7 years and I'm a commercial pilot so it's pretty much a guarantee that I will be based nowhere near her. In May/June once I finish training I will be given a permanent base (could be anywhere in Europe but will change after 2-3 years) - I could request to be based close to her but no guarantees and I think that would not be a wise decision based on how thing's have gone so far...

On the plus side the job gives me the freedom to fly to her on my time off and vice versa, which makes it *slightly* easier to bridge the distance. Even typing this out myself I realise that I am far more willing to commit then she is.

[777doom]

Well maybe right now she doesn't know. Maybe she doesn't have the mental capacity to sort all her emotions out, and instead acts hastily or hides because she doesn't have any answers for you.

Just tell her what you told us. You will wait but not forever. Give her a timeline and if she can't then just end it.

I've been told that ultimatums are not good when trying to get back with someone as you don't want to force something to happen out of fear? I have considered it though and maybe I could do it if only for my own sanity, so I have something to work towards without keeping this false hope alive for a longer time yet.

I can tell her all of this, I sort of already have but to break NC this time around will show some serious weakness. I think I've already said a lot to her and anything extra right now will just go through one ear and out the other, considering the stress she is under.

[smackie9]

Ultimatums come from those who have self worth. If it's bad then it wasn't meant to be in the first place. You need to have their respect don't you think? You have to let her know she has a chance to make this work, BUT you are not going to let it control your life or your choices. You are only being human with wants and needs...if she can't come through, then you are better off moving on simple as that.

[777doom]

Ultimatums come from those who have self worth. If it's bad then it wasn't meant to be in the first place. You need to have their respect don't you think?

Yeah this is true, I have kind of already set a date in my head (17th Feb) as I really do need to concentrate on things once I start.
I am happy to potentially reconcile before this and carry the relationship through the following months, but do I break NC just to tell her I won't wait past this date?
What if she wants to meet up when I'm closer to her which is going to be March... would I be selling myself short?