You are not pathetic for hanging on to a bad ex

[super]

Unfortunately there is a lot of social pressure when it comes to dating. especially the breakups. So when you have a terrible breakup, and the other person was completely so terrible to you, maybe treated you like garbage. your friends, your television, and the internet will all tell you that your pathetic for still being hung up on them or even wishing you were still in a relationship. Most of all you will tell yourself this. The logic behind this might make sense to you at first. This person was terrible to you; you should not love someone who is terrible to you; you are therefore a pathetic excuse for a human being for not being able to move on

but thats untrue.

let me break something down for you. sometimes love will blind you to a persons flaws for a while. or make you think that they can change, or think that they are only cruel to you because of something about you that you can change. Sometimes love will make you stupid, and not just in romantic relationships either, but with your family and friends too. you will take the good times you have had with this person and use them to obscure the bad times. Heres the good news now.

this kind of love is only secondary love. when you really love someone, you will see all of their flaws, and you will accept them (more or less) instead of pretending to yourself that they don't exist. And you can find that kind of love.

But your not pathetic for still loving someone who is cruel to you. I had an ex-boyfriend whom I deeply loved. we dated for 2 years, I moved an hour away and he got jumpy about long distance and broke it off. The kicker is I was pregnant, and he knew it. then when I moved he refused to speak to me about it, I was very young, and I was terrified. I miscarried, something I still can't even speak about. he appolgized later, said he was deeply ashamed, the whole nine yards. but he kept going. he kept doing things to make me feel like I was nothing to him, and worse like I never was, whatever he said.

Its been a few months since then and I love him still. but I am not pathetic, and neither are you. first off theres a difference between feelings and actions. do I love him and want to be in a relationship with him? yes, yes I do. will I ever? god no. never. I could never trust him again. having lingering feelings at the end of a relationship is normal, and whatever you want to tell yourself, they do not make you pathetic. they make you human, and blinded by love. and thats okay. you just need to know somewhere in your heart that your moving on. even if its just a tiny place in your heart at first. and one day you will move on.

[smackie9]

There's a difference between respecting yourself and having no self worth. You respect yourself not to be with this person again.... those who have no self worth and go back to be treated like crap ARE pathetic. This isn't about how much you love someone but how much you love yourself.

[Wakeup]

Its been a few months since then and I love him still. but I am not pathetic,

No, you're not "pathetic" what you are is codependent if you go back to him and the garbage he hands out to you. Sadly, and often... codependent people mistake addiction to someone as being 'love' when it's anything but that.

[L-Jay]

Yeah pretty sure thats what Im experiencing - codependancy. When things are great they are amazing but there is a lot of angst and hurt in between. The bad times are beginning to outweigh the good. This is anything but a comfortable easy going relationship. Its an emotional rollercoaster and due to the fact that I have an ex who would like to get back with me and is decent, but isnt ready and that I havent got any support to make the break from this person, I stay in the cycle. There is light at the end of the tunnel. This has opened my eyes to serious flaws in relationships - the difference between minor crap and the stuff that no human should have to tolerate. Add to that the fact that Im in a job with a boss who is a bully and abusive, and yeah I'd say my self-respect and confidence is at an all time low. If I had support from family and friends I could make the break from the first situation but that isnt there atm. I know I need to get out. My ex is sorting some stuff out with someone in his life to be back with me. I know this sounds like Im going from the frypan into the fire. but his biggest issue is he doesnt like confrontation. and he knows there will be but is prepared to face it for us to be back together after the end of a long term relationship we shared.

Once im out of this, the plug will be pulled forever, there will be no going back. I dont have enough self respect or independance to do that right now. But its seriously what he deserves.