Dear men

[LittleFox]

I have a rather uncommon question to you.

What is important that a woman appreciates in you?

How you like to be seen? What impression you like to leave? Do you like compliments about your look as well?

I had thinking about this recently and even more confusing it was when my boyfriend told me that he would like to feel more wanted from me and that I would make him feel more attractive in my eyes. It was confusing because I appreciate other things such as willpower and emotional stability, which I think are the most important qualities.

[smackie9]

I can easily answer that...understanding them. They love a girl that "gets" them and will support them emotionally.....kinda like what mommy did.

[LittleFox]

But can you really fall in love with the "mommy type"?

[searock]

I think smackie's reply is spot-on, but it definitely isn't limited to guys. Being understood is a very common human need, we all want to be in a relationship with someone who "gets" us. What's the point, otherwise?

[LittleFox]

Yeah, searock, a simple, but completely true answer. So I guess from this, can say that for every person it can be something else.

[Wakeup]

I have a rather uncommon question to you.

What is important that a woman appreciates in you?

How you like to be seen? What impression you like to leave? Do you like compliments about your look as well?

I had thinking about this recently and even more confusing it was when my boyfriend told me that he would like to feel more wanted from me and that I would make him feel more attractive in my eyes. It was confusing because I appreciate other things such as willpower and emotional stability, which I think are the most important qualities.

Do you tell him that you appreciate his willpower and emotional stability? You may think they are more important qualities but you've totally missed his point.

He needs you to show him that you appreciate him (for whatever it is you think is important). You're not fulfilling HIS emotional needs currently.

[smackie9]

It's not just about HIS emotional needs, but understanding him as a man, and how a man thinks.

[LittleFox]

yes, Wakeup, Those are the things I tell him I appreciate (not in the exact same words). I was thinking that by telling the things I see that are important will make him see that I DO appreciate him and I also can see that in time he has emphasized these qualities.

So you are saying that I should tell him what I like in him what he wants that I notice?

[LittleFox]

Smackie9, that was the reason I posted this thread, because clearly I didn't catch something. Plus I was comparing the guys that I know, and couldn't get to one conclusion.

[smackie9]

Did you ask the guys you know and what did they say?

[LittleFox]

smackie9, no, I did not ask, just was comparing other situations I had with guys related to this issue.
One particular guy who was important to me, told me that he thinks that I do not like him so much or that he does not feel I want him. Similarly I was appreciating other stuff I like in him, not looks or attractiveness.
Just I prefer not to judge someone by the appearance!
But it looks like guys what to feel that too!

[Wakeup]

yes, Wakeup, Those are the things I tell him I appreciate (not in the exact same words). I was thinking that by telling the things I see that are important will make him see that I DO appreciate him and I also can see that in time he has emphasized these qualities.

So you are saying that I should tell him what I like in him what he wants that I notice?

Why don't you get the book The Five Love Languages (google it) so that you can investigage what his love language is ~ what it is that makes him feel loved and you can show him in his way (not in your love language that he can't relate to) how much you care and value him?

We need to feel loved by our S.O in the way we were taught to love as children. There are Five Ways that is done so check it out and maybe it will help you with your questions.

Good luck, Fox.

[LittleFox]

The idea of giving your S.O the love you want, but he doesn't need, is told in other books as well, such as Women from Venus, Men from Mars. That is the main problem for many. Thanks, Wakeup, for showing me that I actually have it too.

[smackie9]

Maybe he is looking for an ego boost instead....maybe that is why this is confusing.

[dickriculous]

I have a rather uncommon question to you.

What is important that a woman appreciates in you?

How you like to be seen? What impression you like to leave? Do you like compliments about your look as well?

I had thinking about this recently and even more confusing it was when my boyfriend told me that he would like to feel more wanted from me and that I would make him feel more attractive in my eyes. It was confusing because I appreciate other things such as willpower and emotional stability, which I think are the most important qualities.

Do you believe yourself to be generally cold and/or emotionally unavailable? Why do you suppose he doesn't feel as wanted by you as he would like to be?

Don't get too caught up in your own values and what you appreciate in another person when trying to understand other people. Dale Carnegie had a great analogy on this "I may love strawberries and cream but I certainly wouldn't put it on a hook in order to catch a fish". You can't think in terms of what's important to you if you are trying to understand someone else.

If you want him to feel more appreciated by you then you need to express your appreciation for him in a way that he will understand. Is he naturally a touchy feely type? If so then maybe he needs more physical contact from you be it of the casual sort, of the playful sort, of the affectionate sort, of the intimate/sexual sort, or better yet all of the above. Does he dislike being alone? Then maybe he would feel more appreciated by you if you made more time to spend with him. Is he particularly sensitive to your tone of voice - as in he becomes elated when you compliment him and takes it particularly hard or becomes cold when you're not quite so flattering with him? Then maybe he needs verbal reinforcement to feel appreciated - being told that you love him, being paid compliments, being verbally encouraged, etc.

A lot of people fall into the trap of always expressing their love or appreciation one way while their spouse/bf/gf/whatever would understand it better another way, then they are confused when hit with "I don't feel like you appreciate me as much as I want to be appreciated". That's because the communication is broken somewhere along the way.

Hope this was helpful. Asking for advice on this is a good sign. A lot of people when hit with any such implication that they don't feel appreciated enough by you would simply blow off their concerns or at best try to solve the issue but without going through the trouble of finding a way to effectively communicate. In your case, your bf expressed a concern to you and here you are trying to find the best way to improve the dynamic of your relationship based specifically on the feedback he gave you. If everyone handled their relationships like that it would solve a lot of problems in the world so I give you a lot of respect for that.


Edit: I will also second Wakeup's recommendation on The 5 Love Languages, it's basically an entire book's worth of what I've been explaining to you in this post and will provide you with far more in depth information than anything any of us could post here. To this day it stands alone as the only not-full-of-shit relationship book I've read.