Getting back together? Really need advice. Rough breakup

[Freebyrd]

Hi everyone,

I have never posted on one of these before as I have never been so vulnerable and feel I really need advice.
My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 3 nights ago and has turned my world upside down. He told me he does not feel the same about me, an that he doesn't think I'm the one. But this happend so suddenly and with absolutely no signs of his wavering feelings for me. He was also not willing to go on break or work on things. Here's some background.

Our relationship was stable, and besides a few fights (some big mostly small) we were always madly happy and in love. 2 nights before the break up we went out to dinner, had the same usual conversations we always have, cuddled for hours and he begged me to stay the night but I had work early the next day so I left. He kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me. We had plans for him to come over the next night. He told me he was busy with work so we delayed the plans for another night, he's always busy cause of work, usual for us to reschedule. So 2 nights later when he was supposed to come by he said he wanted to talk. This was the first sign that things were funky. He broke up with me hours later and said we shouldn't talk for a while.

How could his feelings change in 2 nights? He told me he's been thinking about this since we had a big fight 2 months earlier but I never saw any changes in his behaviour or treatment of me. And I was the one who initiated the fight 2 months ago.

I know most people think that not loving someone like before or not thinking their the one is a deal breaker but I can't seem to understand or accept this. How could he change so rapidly? Can someone please give me examples of when their long term relationship ended and they got back together? I can't accept that his love for me has faded so quickly with no chance of working things out. Does anyone out there think there is hope for us getting back? I think he's gonna miss me and want to work things out. This is the only thing holding me together now. Please help.

[Boisdevie]

There are two explanations for this.

1. He's a lunatic and can go from being happy to unhappy in a couple of days and then destroy a perfectly good relationship. So if he's a loony do you want him to stick around. Or,
2. He's not been happy with the relationship and you're the last to find out.

If he is going to want to work this out then you've no choice but to leave him be and when he wants to talk he will. If you try to pressure him into talking when he's not ready you'll drive him further away.

[smackie9]

He's been working late all the time? It's definitely a work romance started with a female co-worker. I can guarantee it. When someone does a 180 almost over night, that means there is someone else in the picture. OR he really hasn't been at work all those nights at all.........

[smackie9]

I say in about a week it will all come out that he is seeing someone.

[Wakeup]

How could his feelings change in 2 nights?

They didn't change in two nights, freebyrd. They changed two months ago when you had a fight. He's been just working up to actually ending it.

That doesn't necessarily mean that he was cheating or lying about working either (although it could mean that) but even if that were the truth and not just a guess, it doesn't matter now. What matters is that you, as quickly as possible, get to accepting that he's gone. That will help you to go through the other 5 stages of grief you'll be going through that will eventually get you to the blissful stage of indifference to him.

Go zero contact now. Do your crying and moping about for a short while and then push yourself to do things that will keep you busy with friends that will help you to keep your mind off of him. Thats what you should concentrate on now... not why or guesses from us as to why.

Breakups happen. People get through the honeymoon stage and start to realize that who they are with just isn't who they want to continue to stay with it can be that simple and you accepting that is all it is will help you get through it quicker.

P.S. Why does your thread heading have the question "Getting back together" in it. There is no indication that that is even a possibility? Don't hold onto that hope. It will make you stagnate in your pain even longer. He knows where to find you if he's going to come back but don't hold your breath. Get on with your life without him in it.

[Freebyrd]

Also I asked him if he was cheating. He sai he wasn't. I'm fairly certain he's not. I've been in his office with him while he's worked until late many times. I have access to his phone and don't see any indication. Also I have been with him long enough to know he hates cheaters and wouldn't do that

[Boisdevie]

Also I asked him if he was cheating. He sai he wasn't. I'm fairly certain he's not. I've been in his office with him while he's worked until late many times. I have access to his phone and don't see any indication. Also I have been with him long enough to know he hates cheaters and wouldn't do that

It doesn't matter one bit if he's been cheating or not. The simple fact is that he doesn't want the relationship with you to continue and there is NOTHING you can do about this. You might hope he'll come back but chances are he won't. Accept this and move on. Getting dumped happens. It's happened to me and amazingly I moved on with my life. You can move on with yours too.

[Wakeup]

Well, it's highly unlikely that any man would say "why yes I am" if asked that question... but like I said, don't worry about the why. Just take him at face value when he said he decided two months ago after that fight. It is very likely that that was a straw that broke the camels back.

[smackie9]

I will reword it then, he may have an interest in dating someone else, not cheating, hence the reason to breakup so he can make it legit. This would be (IMO) why he's not feeling it anymore.

I have heard that more than once on this site "Oh he would never do that" "I know him, he wouldn't" "I would know if he did..." etc, and it turned out they were cheating (oh shock)

He's not willing to work on "fixing" whatever it is, that means he already has an agenda.

But apart from out guesses you need to move on and stop wondering about what happened. Like Wakeup said, he knows where to find you........

[Lord Darkshire]

It doesn't matter one bit if he's been cheating or not. The simple fact is that he doesn't want the relationship with you to continue and there is NOTHING you can do about this. You might hope he'll come back but chances are he won't. Accept this and move on. Getting dumped happens. It's happened to me and amazingly I moved on with my life. You can move on with yours too.

I agree with this. You are causing yourself more anxiety trying to figure out what happened. You may never know. He was very clear, and it was fair. He told you like it is, he doesn't see you as the one, so why be in denial about it for another year or two only to cause more pain. Breakups suck, but are a part of life. Everyone moves on and so can you. Put your energy into focusing on yourself, spend time with family and friends, lean on them for support to help you through your pain.

[michelle23]

People break up all the time and its very common around the 2-3 year mark when the honeymoon period is well and truly over. Right now you are in denial and unwilling to accept it but please don't do what so many others in your shoes do and beg. That will only lead to you feeling humiliated after once the shock wears off. You need to cut contact with him. It takes some willpower but as of now, you will not contact him and you will ignore him if he contacts you. Make that a rule.

Its hard but grief and loss are a part of life and you need to be strong now. If he really loved you and saw a future he wouldn't have ended it. Period!

Yes he may come crawling back when he is bored or lonely or to try and use you for sex. You need to be firm and say no. If you get back together he will just dump you again in 2 months time so please for your sake, accept its over and never look back.

Its hard to spot the signs when you feel safe and think everythings rosey but he likely has been thinking of this for awhile and he likely is sure

Sorry your hurting. Its okay to feel like crap for awhile but dont contact him. Its not worth torturing yourself