Help me decipher his true meaning? :/

[Quizzical]

So I'll try to sum this up as best as I can. Maybe you will think I'm crazy over falling for someone online but I did, Harder than ever before, and I know it was the same for him. We planned to meet as soon as I returned from living overseas for a year. But he was jealous, insecure. He got upset I even spoke to my roommates when I walked out my bedroom door to the bathroom. I cared about this guy more than any real life boyfriend I had had because the kind of connection we had, talking, skyping for hours was greater than anything I could have ever wanted. :/ I had to start looking for a job when I moved here so I could support myself but that thought killed him, he said I would find somebody close and leave him. It literally broke me down.

That's when I started being mean. I wouldn't text him a lot, maybe 3 times a day, sometimes none, and this carried on for two months. I started becoming close to one of my friends, because he had been my best friend through it all. He saw me when I cried over this online guy, he picked me up when I drank myself to sleep and I trusted him. He told me guy A didn't really love me, and he never did. He was just insecure and trying to cage me and that wasn't right. And being hurt and stupid, I believed him. All this time before I resorted to name calling and ignoring guy A had been pulling away from me. Sending nothing but sad faces through text. Crying every time I had to go out, I honestly was at a complete loss. Then guy B tells me he has feelings for me and not knowing what to do I agree to be with him. I tell guy A and he swears up and down he will win me back. 2 months later he does. I can't get him out of my head.

When I tell guy A this, he completely flips on me. it was 8 months ago now but I still remember it like it was yesterday. I tell him I love him, I tell him I want to make things work, I tell him I will drop everything and book a flight to see him the next day. and he rejects me. Flat out rejects me. I was stunned, and broke again. But I kept messaging him every day. He was the only one who could hold conversations with me for 12 hours straight and I not get bored for even a second. But he still kept saying he couldn't be with me. This continued for a month or two, of every day being constantly rejected. He told me to move on with guy B. Not to wait for him because he lost himself along the way. And so I tried. I tried to move on. But every single time guy A would come back, telling me it hurt him to see facebook, to see me and guy B. and so I ended things with guy B. Guy A started telling me he wasn't in love with me the past few months. He didn't feel that way anymore and just wanted to be friends. But a few weeks ago he said he was in love with me again, but he couldn't be in a relationship. He looks at me more than a friend but less than lovers. And this has continued for the past 8 months. It has been the most heart wrenching experience of my life.

I was never completely into my boyfriends in high school but some how this guy managed to captivate me over the internet without my knowledge. I see his face everywhere, miss his voice with every fiber in my being, dream of his skin against my own. It's breaking me now even just writing this.

What I want to know are what are his motives exactly? Why is he doing this to me? Does he want revenge on me for seeing someone else? Does he even really love me? I honestly don't know.

A friend of mine said he was still obsessed with me but just wants to see how far I will bend to get him back. Because he does message or email me every once in a while if I don't reach out and message him first. It's been a week and a day since we last talked. And I forgot to mention when I ask him if he will ever love me that way again he says he doesn't know. He doesn't know if he will ever want to be with me again. I tell him to just tell me there is no chance in hell for us and I will move on, and he tells me he doesn't want to lie to me. And all over his xbox bio/facebook he has quotes about me, about us. It drives me absolutely insane.

I just want some answers, insight, anything. I know this is mostly my fault for getting weak and not seeing how much he was hurting while he was pulling away from me but I got hurt, too. I've never been in a relationship where I'd fallen for the guy. Even my partner I had dated for 3 years before that. I'm a very secluded person with my feelings. I've done everything I can think of until now. And I still can't get over him. Something inside of me just refuses to give up. So maybe advice from strangers will help? I'm pretty desperate at this point.

Sorry for boring you guys with the paragraphs, not sure if anybody will even read it. But it was worth a shot, I suppose.

[Mattiemae]

Just because it's online doesn't mean it's not real. People make this mistake. Fortunately both of you have to want the relationship work or it won't work. You kind of have to go to step 1. Start right from the begining over. Just like you met him. There is no other way, and of course it will take time. Really only concentrate on being friends and building on the foundation again. Once you break up that's just the way it rolls. You have to start at square one and earn each other's trust again.

Leave the past behind. Let go of the past, and understand he may or may not ever be with you again. You really have to be okay with that idea. You really have to focus on self worth and self love. Being independent and strong on your own. If he really loves you he will be there. Knock off the mind games with one another. Complete honesty is the only way real relationships work whether you're in the same place or not. Drop the negativity, and focus on being positive.

Focus on how you can make a positive world today between both of you, and not based on the past. You're not the same two people anymore. We change and grow every day. Except this reality. In your mind he is one thing in the past. Who is he today. Past is gone, and has no life. Today is the reality of what you say and do today. Today creates tomorrow. So let go of all the garbage from the past. write it down, paint it, make music, or whatever, but let it go.

Mistakes have been made, but there is nothing either one of you can do about it now. All you have is today. If you want to start over, than start today. The canvas of life is literally blank in front of you. What do you want to create with this guy?

[Quizzical]

Just because it's online doesn't mean it's not real. People make this mistake. Fortunately both of you have to want the relationship work or it won't work. You kind of have to go to step 1. Start right from the begining over. Just like you met him. There is no other way, and of course it will take time. Really only concentrate on being friends and building on the foundation again. Once you break up that's just the way it rolls. You have to start at square one and earn each other's trust again.

Leave the past behind. Let go of the past, and understand he may or may not ever be with you again. You really have to be okay with that idea. You really have to focus on self worth and self love. Being independent and strong on your own. If he really loves you he will be there. Knock off the mind games with one another. Complete honesty is the only way real relationships work whether you're in the same place or not. Drop the negativity, and focus on being positive.

Focus on how you can make a positive world today between both of you, and not based on the past. You're not the same two people anymore. We change and grow every day. Except this reality. In your mind he is one thing in the past. Who is he today. Past is gone, and has no life. Today is the reality of what you say and do today. Today creates tomorrow. So let go of all the garbage from the past. write it down, paint it, make music, or whatever, but let it go.

Mistakes have been made, but there is nothing either one of you can do about it now. All you have is today. If you want to start over, than start today. The canvas of life is literally blank in front of you. What do you want to create with this guy?

Thank you for replying,
It's so hard to start over. We have tried to be just friends. At the risk of sounding crude it ended in things we only exchanged and did when together. I got caught up in the heat of the moment, he wanted to stay just friends. I felt hurt, used, and backed off and cut off contact again. We try to be friends, he says he only wants friends now. But at the start he said that, and then would say he loved me, he missed how things were so much. But can't do a relationship. It's hard to be just friends when things like this are casually said between us.

[Mattiemae]

There hard because you both have to forgive and let go of the past offenses. Leave it be! It's hard letting go, because we revert to the past, but if you focus on the now moment, what do you have to share. What is happening today in your life. What did you talk about when you first met? The past relationship is not a topic. lol Music, literature, art, science, or what ever is a topic of conversation. What activities you do. There are all kinds of things to talk about with someone.

Fortunately you both have to do this, but of course if you believe that it's over even friendship wise, you need to let go of him then and cut off your ties and move on with your life and put it behind you.

You've made an emotional attachment and what do people do? The focus on the memories. go through love letters, music, gifts, and bury themselves in the memories of what used to be and live in the past. Now if you really want to get over someone you have to break all ties to them, throw out the junk that was given to you, take him out of your phone, social network sites, and move on. As long as you focus on the situation the more you will struggle with it, and get depressed, and dwell on things.

Most likely you will find love again. Most likely you need time to heal and get rid of all the garbage from past relationships. The pain will subside when you learn to let go, go through the emotions, feelings, and lay them to rest. The more personal power you give him, by focusing on him, the longer it will take you to heal. It's kind of like opening and old wound a hundred times and never allowing it to heal.

[Quizzical]

Mattiemae:

From the things I've told you would you think I need to move on? If you were in my shoes would you move on? I have tried every single day for the past 8 months to get him to give me another chance. He says he wants to. He says he's in love with me now. But he refuses to be with me. He wants to just do him. How can you be in love with someone and not want to be with them? This part confuses me the most. I'm the type when I fall in love I give it my complete all before I give up. I make sure there is no way it would ever work before I move on. Because I have devoted my entirety to him whether I like it or not. and even a week with no communication and he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep. It's pretty ridiculous for me.

[Mattiemae]

The best thing I can tell you is what a mentor once asked me in a similar situation. Can you love yourself enough to detach emotionally for the moment whether he comes back or not? Really a very hard question, and hard one to swallow. Love will always find you if you love you first. Really you need to be an independent woman that stands on her own two feet. Loving ourselves means we let go of love, because we never have to hang on to it so tight for it to stay in our lives. We have fears we will never be loved, that we will be rejected, and we will never find the one. It would be terrible to be alone, and we hate the feeling of being lonely.

We're afraid to be alone, and cling to any relationship that comes our way, whether it is healthy or not for us. We have to learn to love ourselves first. Become whole and complete inside for us to attract love that is healthy for us. The only way he will come back is if you let go and love you. Do what is best for you in the moment. It is unhealthy for us to dwell on it so much, and it really does block us from allowing love to flow towards us.

Self-worth is understanding you deserve to be loved by someone that gives you 100% as much as you give them 100%. For you to get there, you have to give yourself 100% Fill up your love tank with positive thoughts, a positive belief system, and believing in you. Having faith in yourself that you can accomplish anything you put your mind too. This is the lesson, you have to be alright with you and be unconditional love to yourself without judgment, forgive yourself, accept you are imperfect, and will always make mistakes. Mistakes are stepping stones to our growth. Without mistakes and chaos, we can never evolve and grow. We don't like hardship and it is uncomfortable. What this has to do with, is we go through many relationships through our life time romantically, and than you have the other ones like family, work, school, groups, etc. Each relationship teaches you how to love yourself or not love you. Everyone pulls out the best in you or the worst in you. You do the same with others. Romantic relationships we get tied up emotionally, mentally, and spiritually on some level. It's all about how you feel about yourself, and what you feel you deserve or not deserve in a relationship.

He is in love with you. You are in love with him. You both found out you have issues from the past to resolve, forgive, and let go. We trigger those issues in relationships, and they make you aware that parts of you need to be healed, before you can be close and intimate with a partner. It can be chilhood issues with parents, friends, church, or even romantic partners. We have fears, and insecurities to work through in relationships. We need to get rid of that garbage and dump it, before we can be successful in love. You gave alot in this relationship as you stated, but there is not use in giving to someone that is not giving in return. Why because it's like a puppy sitting next to a man on a nail, and the puppy can sit their and wine and yelp it hurts, but not get up off the nail even if the man tells him to move.

There is nothing wrong with giving it your all, but with someone that gives it all right back. You stated at this time he's not capable of giving it his all. My guess is he needs to heal some of those issues what ever they may be in his life. This is really not about you, although we'd like to make it about us all the time. It is about his beliefs about himself, his self worth, what he believes and perceives in his own reality, the same as you do. Waiting around will only harm you. If it is meant to be he will come back. Just like the butterfly in a jar. It can't fly in a jar, but if you let it out it will fly. It has the choice of coming back or not. This is the same thing, if you love someone you always have to let them go, and allow them to come back on their own terms. Even if they never come back, you have to be okay with that, because that is what they needed, and what was best for them in the moment. The same with you, you have to do what is best for you in the moment. What is healthy for you, and in your best interest. So yes, I know it is hard, but let go of him, and if he's meant to be a part of your life than he will work through his issues and come back to you.

[smackie9]

This is how it is with internet relationship and why they get this out of control. Internet relationships are 20% reality and 80% fantasy. The majority of you obsessing is from your imagination. When you don't have real life physical contact with someone, your imagination steps in and fills in the blanks, make that person more surreal than real. Also we desire most what we can't have, and the distance plays a huge part in this. Basically you are letting your imagination run away with you. The feelings are always termendously intense, that's why you have never felt this way with boy who you actually dated physically. It's a tough freight train of emotions to get rid of for sure, and you have to treat it like grieving the loss of a loved one. Losng love is no different than losing someone through death, you are grieving the deatyh of a relationship. With this type of relationship you get so high from it, that the fall is even more painful to recover from.

To top it off it turned into an abusive one even now. You are so blinded by love you just fight for them to love you again because you can't stand the thought of losing that high that they give you. It's a vicious cycle and it's very difficult to get out of.
Standing on the outside looking at this, this relationship will not work because of the distance and his passive agressive abusive manner.

The best thing you can do is walk away or you are fooling yourself other wise. Trust me when you look back on this you will say to yourself that you were such an idiot for getting all work up over this nonsense. You can't see this through all those emotions but you will start to see as soon as you let go.

[Quizzical]

Mattiemae : Alright, I will try to let him go the best I can. So that means no contact, right? I have to keep this up until I know I'm completely over him? cause it's really hard.

smackie9 : That's an interesting perspective on it. I can't disagree, either.

Welp, it's settled. I'm going to move on and find myself again. Thank you both so much. You've no idea how many nights I've tossed and turned thinking about some boy halfway across the world from me. But now I won't anymore.

[Mattiemae]

Smackie hate to tell you but people do that offline all the time. Our imaginations go wild and assume things, and create just about any scenario they want to about us, about you. That's why people judge with out all the facts, persecute, rumormonger, gossip. Stories we make up in our mind, and think we're right. lol Whose reality do we live in anyway!

[Quizzical]

That's so true. Mattiemae, do you think I should tell him anything? Mention what I'm doing? Be friends with him? I honestly have no idea how to get over someone you think about constantly. If it hasn't let up at all in 8 months I don't know how long it's going to take me to let go.

[Mattiemae]

It will take as long as you want too, but really the more we hang on to someone the harder it is. Focus is really where your thoughts are in the moment. Discipline the mind. The past is the past and there is nothing we can do about the past. It is where we have learned lesson's in life with relationships the good the bad and the ugly. We just have to let go of the negative thoughts that keep us there. Well we have made bad choice, good choices. We just dwell on the negative. We dwell on the memories. We dwell on the chats, the letters, the pictures, gifts, or what ever. It's kind of emotional attachments and we need to let go of them first. Take the person off your contacts where ever you talk to them. When we go over all that stuff, we give our personal power away and drift back into the past. It's not the present right now, nor our future. We have a tendency to swing to the past, recall conversations, events, etc. While they once were real and existed, it's not now right now. The now moment is where your thoughts are in the moment. So what can you do to stay in the present moment. Write out your feelings and emotions. Write in a journal, write a novel, an article, a poem. Validate your feelings and emotions. They are real no matter what they maybe. This is letting them go in one way. Or you could paint, draw, do crafts. Learn something new through literature- self help- religion, philosophy, art, photography, music, just learn to be creative, and learn something new. Meet new people, share, get a support network of positive people in one of those areas. It's really just distracting your mind in the moment. Call a friend, or buddy. There's dance, or other excercise classes. Also mediation helps learn to discipline the mind. Self guided meditations are on you tube under all kinds of feelings. anxiety, stress, letting go, depression, happiness, loving you, healing, relationships, so many different kinds and where ever you want to focus. Motivational video's, inspirational thoughts, positive thoughts, affirmations. It's just finding what helps you feel calmer and less anxious in the moment. Some people read, some sing, some listen to music, some create art in someway. Best thing is when you find others that share and grow ith you. Focus is just disciplining yourself. Doesn't matter how many times you fall down, just get back up and try again until you've got it.

[smackie9]

Qizz you do what you feel is right to give him and you closure. A final word will probably help you to move forward best of luck to you.

[Tall Penguin]

Speaking from exp, online relationships spark fast and intense, and there can be real emotion there. But there is also a tendency to overlook shortfalls that you would never accept in a physical date.

This discounting, for either emotional or physical shortcomings, is nothing more than a temporary deceit and over time the truth will out.

There are plenty of people who would love to be in a relationship all around you. Be as confident in the real world as you are online and you will attract people whom you won't have to compromise your attraction for.

[bekho]

The moment you start being happy with yourself is the moment u should be ready to piss other people off.

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[bekho]

Interdependence is a good thing when its beneficial. But in this situation it sounds like a world of hurt.

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