Losing her was the worst decision I've made in my life.

[InfiniteSummer]

I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of two years who i've known for three years. I saw some helpful contributions by the community and decided to give it a try as well. My ex-girlfriend and I know each other through facebook as she was a friend of my friend and we get to know each other and chatted through whatsapp and viber for about a year.I got together with her during my summer holidays as i was studying abroad(about 8000km from my hometown). She was also studying abroad as well but is nearer to our hometown(which is about an hour of plane ride). So i took the initiative to visit her at her study place, so it's kind of a semi-vacation thing and we dated n chatted and i can feel us clicking. During the end of my summer holidays before I was preparing to go back to where i'm studying she was visiting home for a couple of days and that was the time i asked her to be my girlfriend. She was growing more and more interested in me and we were very intimate.
So it was the start of my university semester when we first started so basically we had to do LDR for 10 months before being able to meet up for just 2 months during my summer holidays. Our relationship was very intimate at first but then the problems grew. I have to admit I have not been a very good boyfriend as this was my first time on a serious relationship. Previous relationships I didn't put much effort because I wasn't the one making the move and I wasn't interested in the other party and some were just puppy love.
So then I was pressuring her to do stuff for me, change stuff about herself and other small stuffs. Due to this we have been going on and off breaking up and getting back together for multiple times and this went on for about 6 months. She was easy to convince at first but slowly grew stronger willed. Before you judge me on being an ****, I did alot of stuff on my part as well. In order to make this relationship last, I became more patient, more understanding, and less bad tempered. But there is something in me that I didn't change all this while and didn't know that it would affect me this much, and it is my behavior to constantly try to change something instead of realizing my own mistake. After that six months, things were better and we didn't have any arguments at all. I was able to handle everything well and I set up alot of surprises and made alot of effort to make her happy despite being on LDR. During the summer, again I visited her and she came home for me and our summer was so sweet and perfect I couldn't forget it even if i wanted to. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. She was as happy as I am about it as well. But being a human being, when I had something good going on for a long time for me, I take it for granted. I never called or texted her after I went back to studying. It was all done by her, she would greet me in the morning as it was morning at her place and nighttime at mine and call me through viber in the evening after her classes. As this went on for a couple of months I was beginning to feel a little neglected because there were a few times where she could've called me but didn't and I was too selfish to create any more spark for the relationship. So one day while I was in a pretty bad mood, she called while I was doing something else. Then she said she'd go to sleep as I was busy and it was nighttime at her place. So i got furious and asked her whether she cared for me or loved me at all as she doesn't even have the slightest interest to talk to me since we hadn't talked for days and I'd always wait for her to finish her stuff before I get to talk to her. I was thinking why she wouldn't have done the same and waited for me instead. The argument was not heated at first but I threw in a few assumptions which pissed her off and she ended her call by saying she'd never call me again. We didn't talk for two days and on the third day she messaged me asking if I had time and she wanted to discuss something with me. I asked what and she said she wanted to end the relationship. I was furious as she promised me she wouldn't say that she wanted to end it anymore and would discuss on our problems instead. Just to be clear I threatened her to end our relationship at the very beginning just to win an argument, which I regretted a lot. It was bad and childish on my part, I know. But she told me that she has lost interest in me and that she doesn't mind if i don't want to be her friend at all. I also agreed right away as I was angry at the time and lost all feelings for her as well.
I blocked her from facebook and other means of contact and tried NC but I really couldn't take the absence of her in my life. So I unblocked her two days later and tried to convince her back but again to no avail.
After half a week of heavy self reflection I realized that I was the one at fault because I didn't care for the relationship at all. I took it for granted and I really regret what I did.
I was ready to apologize and admit my mistakes but she doesn't want to listen to any of it.
She recommends that we stay friends and doesn't want to talk about anything relationship related. But I don't want to because the feeling is awkward and we know each other too well to have an interesting non-intimate conversation. But I can't bear the thought of her disappearing out of my life.
I am 100% sure that there is no guy behind this as her friend who's very close to her is also one of my close friends.
She said that being in a relationship is very stressful and after it ended she felt freedom. She felt that she currently has no feelings for me and that she would not give any comment about anything i say regarding our relationship. I couldn't even extract any information about why she was planning to end it in the first place.
I realized my mistakes on being very controlling and taking things for granted. I also realize that i should be more patient and accept the other party for who they are but I really hope i get a chance to show it to her in a new relationship with her.
She told me that she didn't want to converse about anything regarding relationships and that she doesn't know if she will ever open herself up to a relationship or stay single forever.
I feel so sad because i think it's probably my fault that she thinks that way but I also don't know if i should continue on pursuing her as I might just be wasting my time hoping for a chance to get back together. I am terrible at knowing what a girl is thinking and thought that it is possible to rationalize with them. Huge mistake. I now know that girls are instead meant to be loved than rationalized and am prepared to make this relationship better if i ever have the chance. Even if I don't get back, I would still have a better start in my next relationship.
Should I go back to NC? Will it make her miss me? She did told me that she missed the times we had together and although she's sad and cherish it, she will try to forget it. Does that mean all hope's lost for me? She did mention she still like me but I'm afraid that if I take too long she'd totally forget and give up on me already. Before this she told me that she would last in a LDR and that she'd prove it to others that we can do it but now it's ended . I'm so confused.
Any advice would be so appreciated. I cannot stop thinking about her for now and the chances of her getting with someone else later. I would give anything to hold her by my side again.
tl;dr : I was an **** and realized my mistake and am willing to try to create a spark and reignite our lost relationship.

[Mattiemae]

You really have to accept her as she is as a person, and if she's already stated she just wants to be friends, than that is what she can handle right now. Really you have to show her when you do talk to her that you accept her the way she is, and not try to change, fix, or save her, which is very hard to do. We naturally want to do this in relationships. This is where we feel judged and controlled when someone is always picking at us. It pushes them away. So Leave others be, and pay attention to how you interact with her. Let go of things, and leave her be. Really when we point out things in another person all the time we are well intentioned, but it suffocates others and makes them feel like something is wrong with them. Makes them feel like they have to be perfect. So really you just have to remember this, and that it makes them feel judged as well.

[Boisdevie]

A big round of applause for Mattiemae for reading through that wall of text. Did we miss anything interesting. I kinda dozed off when i saw the word LDR.

[rest77]

I would say if you cant win her back. Lesson learned. Dont take what you have for granted there are no guarantee. Hopefully in the next relationship you wouldnt repeat the same mistake again.