Confused about how to handle breakup and if i should ever contact her!

[bison67]

So hear is the deal, i had an amazing girlfriend for 2 years, we feel for each other very very quickly and it was an amazing experience falling for a girl like that and feeling that much love. But as with many relationships time went on, i got comfortable, i got lazy, took her for granted, and some of the cuteness and romance of us being together dissapeared. I made some massive mistakes in the relationship that ultimately led to her leaving me, texting other girls, partying to much, showing anger for no reason, lack of romance, etc. I was not a very good boyfriend although i loved her so much and really beleived and still do beleive she is the "one", she thought i was as well. We broke up for a brief period of time last september because she caught me text "cheating" with another girl and we split up for about 3 weeks, the break up didnt feel real then as we still talked everyday, hungout, slept together, worked together, all those good things, so eventually we just naturally ended up back together. I didnt change at all in those 3 weeks becuase i didnt feel the pain of losing her and didnt get a kick to change. So october and november pass and i feel things were going better then before, then out of the blue on my birthday she tells me things feel "off" for her, i think its partly cause the night before i was drinking with my roomates when she wanted to come over and countdown the clock to my bday and i blew her off to act like a dumbass college kid and get drunk with my buddies and then we fought and stuff and i said some bad things about her past and past relationship with guys. The next day she is all awkward and distant then suggest we go on a break from talking till finals are over, i agree with it cause i respect what she needs. Then after a few days of no talking i call her to ask her what the break is really all about, she tells me she wanted to do it in person but she is breaking up with me. Ouch most pain i have ever felt!!!!

So christmas break comes and goes, we email a bit, i send her flowers, and i survive 3 weeks of pain and torture that i never wanna experience again! Then after 2 weeks of not talking once we are back at school she calls me one night after she heard i talked to one of her friends. We are friendly and talk about how we are doing and everything, then she goes to tell me how she has kinda slept around in the 2 weeks being at school, hooked up with 4 guys and partying hard everynight, and consistently sleeping with one guy (who i knew from before) that was her "**** buddy". During the call i acted like it didnt phase me, then after i hung up my life seemed to have ended, didnt eat for 3 days, could hardly function. It was the worst feeling ever becuase i love her so much and the thought of her with all those other guys using her made me sick to my stomach....

After that we decide that we still enjoy each others company and being there for each other and how she loves talking to me as i am the only one who truly gets her and her problems and cares for her. We started hanging out, watching movies, cuddling, talking about future plans for ourselves, things like that. I told her how badly i wanted her back and loved her so much and how i did change my ways (ill get more into that soon). She said she wasnt ready for a relationship yet with anyone not just me, and that i hurt her so bad and she is confused on what she wants, but she still wanted to hangout and take things "slow" with me and see where they went. We did that for a week and it was soooo hard for me cause she would hangout with me and we would have a decent time but then after she would go visit her **** buddy cause she wasnt ready to get physical with me yet, although she said i was better in bed and missed that aspect of me she wasnt ready to just give it up to me yet. So after a week of that i take her out for her bday dinner, which is nice, then we go back to my apartment after, i suggest we hook up, she says that we can but it wont mean anything to her and that she will just view me as she views her other hook up guys, and nothing more. So we start to hook up and pretty soon she is in tears crying, she is upset and thinks i just see her as an "object" and doesnt understand why i cant be friends for now and give it time to get physical. This triggers a nervous breakdown for me as i promised myself i would never hurt her again, i broke my phone, said some nasty things, cried so much, begged for her back, punched a hole in my wall, she called my dad to drive 2 hours to come talk to us and calm me down. At about 4 am after talking to her and my dad for 2 hours she leaves my place while i am an absolute crying mess, she holds me looks me in the eyes and says to just focus on myself for now and getting my head on straight and to let her go and move on with my life. Seeing her walk out of my apartment and down the road is the most painful memory as it felt the love of my life was leaving forever.

The next day i decide to drop out of school, which i moved to for her. To move home, work, and focus on getting myself better. She texted my dad that day apologizing for triggering my breakdown and that she wants occaosiaonal updates on my status and how im doing. I emailed her an apology that night and tried to get her to call me, she just messaged me saying i dont think we should talk anymore, goodbye, its over. Since that last message it has been just over 3 weeks of no contact whatsoever. She is on my mind all the time though and i miss her so much. I want it to work sometime in the future alhtough i know neither of us are ready now, im sticking to NC for quite awhile.

I had made some amazing improvments on myself in the past month. Quit drinking, seeing a therapist and counselor, volunteering, working, lifting weights, training for a marathon, just being more of a grown man and transitioning from boy to man. I really think it can work for us in the future and just have to continue working on myself and giving it time, should i ever contact her? She must miss me to some degree like she did before, although we had some rough patches we had some great memories as well, those must shine ever more over time without her seeing me right? Well any advice from anyone helps! thanks for reading

[Valixy]

Bison, a lot of things have happened, a bit too much for any of you two to still believe in this relationship or to actually enjoy it if you had it again in your lives. You think that you could forgive and forget everything that happened while you were together and after you broke up, but the truth is that you couldn't, not for long anyway. As soon as you'd be together again and you'd stop missing her like you do now and having this tremendous anxiety, you'd remember...you'd remember that she hooked up with other guys, that she slept with them and you'd feel hurt again and again without being able to assimilate that. You were not together at that time and she had put up with your indifference, selfishness and your flirty texts to other girls at the end of your relationship, but still, you wouldn't be able to live happily without being very much affected by what happened. You're too young for being able to show so much detachment in front of so recent and powerful events, and actually most men and women, even much older than you, would feel exactly the same.

If you were together with her again, you wouldn't be happy for long. She probably misses you sometimes, but that's insignificant. For being able to start seeing so many guys after the break up and have a friend for sex and tell you about it like she did, she must have lost pretty much everything she felt for you at that time. She disconnected emotionally quite a lot before the break up and almost completely after that, if not she couldn't have done all those things, and continue doing them while rejecting any possibility of being with you.

I know that you're both young and immature but I think that while you were unfair to her, she was cruel to you. She should have never given you those details about those guys. It's up to you now to take good care of yourself, invest in yourself and in your relationships with friends and family, your studies, future career, and give yourself time to heal. It might seem impossible to you now, but you will feel better and better and you'll be able to forget about her and meet someone else who you could love and be happy with. We all lose love relationships because of mistakes we make, but we all recover if we learn to accept it - it's part of life - and take the correct steps, like trying to make ourselves happy in any possible way, do stimulating things and activities that we could enjoy and take the best decisions for our present and future. When you're ready, love will find its way in your life again and you'll enjoy it even more. Good luck.

[bison67]

Valixy, that was an incredibly complete and well thought out response. It made lots of sense to me and made me see things like i didnt before, sure i feel like i could forget about what she did now and forgive her but you are completely right, i would be upset to an extremely high level because of what she did if she came back and i stopped missing her. What kind of person can move on that quickly? Its painful to think about because i do love and miss this women very much, i dream about reconciliation with her close to every night. If we ever did get back together i wouldnt want it to be for awhile, till i have healed and potentially moved on, im not ready to confront those feelings i would have towards her after what happened. I know there is a connection between us and that we were right for for each other, and maybe still are, but just not right now in our young lives. I made a personal goal of 6 months NC and then going from there, i may have moved on and found someone new by then. Its hard to let go of the hope of me and her one day but i think that is something that may fade with time. I miss the good times with her very very much. I enjoyed loving someone in my life that much. I have done an immense amount of self improvement in the past 2 months and im very happy with the mental shift of perspective and growing up i have done. Things always work out as they should i am letting fate take over and just doing the best i can for myself.

Thanks so much for the help.

[Valixy]

I understand that you long for the past, it's natural, but who you both were then and what you had together is gone. You have become different people since then and started a new time of your lives. You can be really proud of how you personally have transformed this change in a great opportunity and best of and for you is yet to come :-)