Ex girlfriend drama, trying to decide if and how I should talk to her

[jrreez]

Hi, I am new to this site but I have a problem that I can't really solve on my own. My ex girlfriend and I broke up 5 months ago. It was her decision basically, she is in college and I'm considerably older and she cited my age as the primary reason, didn't give any other reasons. We didn't date very long but it was intense. I'll start by saying It wasn't perfect, but I fell for her very much. I wasn't perfect either. I had several overreactions on a few occasions during the first few months because she was not showing signs of being committed like I was used to-not calling some nights when she was partying with friends was the main thing. Otherwise we were monogamous, I'm almost positive she never cheated. I know my actions when I would get jealous bothered her. I apologized and we tried talking about it and kind of worked through it, but it caused a stain. So I was wrong in some ways. The trouble is she is just very independent and in this big city college life like I never experienced myself at hear age (she is 21). I wasn't used to this since all of my exes were clingy and usually would bombard me with texts late night. She was the opposite and this blase almost flakiness really got to me. Her flaws other than this were that she would make comments about sleeping with other guys even though she hadn't, would comment about how she could get dates with other guys, even my roommate, saying maybe he could make her dinner sometime. All of this happened before my first jealousy fit. It makes sense that she kind of drew me into the jealousy with her flirtatious comments. I knew it wouldn't last but we have a great chemistry, she is exciting and funny, as young girls often are, but also very jaded by her own past romances. I didn't make sense to end it because I knew we weren't headed for marriage or something, yet it hurt when it ended anyway.

I was also very kind to her otherwise, and she'd often say things about how nice I was and sometimes it seemed mocking even. I didn't want to be "too nice". But I'm older and don't see the point in playing games so why treat her like ? Things soured when her last semester started, she tried to break up with me two days into classes and we lasted another month before it ended. I guess the other options were more appealing. You can see how it was lopsided- I'm not entirely dependent but I cared more than her or at least wanted more than she did at this point in our lives. I don't blame her for that, she is young and I won't hold her back. I just really only met one other girl in my life that I was truly crazy about before and that was like 10 years ago.

The point is the end was bad. Before we broke up she was critical about my body size, teeth not being perfect and penis size. She brought the penis size thing up like 4 times saying it was tiny while flaccid or 'kind of small to medium size" when erect. It hurt and the last time I kicked her out of my house and we broke up like 2 weeks later. I checked and I'm above average size by a bit, I just think maybe she's just inexperienced or a "size queen". Post breakup we had limited contact but kept in touch by text probably no more than ten days apart anytime. I sent a horrible text right after we broke up which kind of pushed her away more than it would have normally if I hadn't. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't. I actually was acting very irrationally and regretted it as soon as she called me crying. It caused me regret and gave her what she needed to move on. I feel like things are completely wrecked between us forever. Even when we broke we spent a last night together and it was wonderful. She said how she could see us together again someday and I agreed. Now it seems horribly unlikely. So I didn't hear from her for one month from January til just after valentines day. She requested me on instagram and I denied her. Then she texted me saying I should accept her since she wants to see what I've been up to. I said I just don't know what to say to her now and that I think texts are cheap and I'd rather be left alone. I followed up saying I realized I do have a good sense of things actually and that I wasn't trying to be mean. She said that no, the texts were "good" but she doesn't want to text anymore.

So, I was doing well moving on for a whole month til she came crashing back. Now I don't know how to handle it. I feel as if she is playing games like she kind of has all along, the thing is I can't help the fact that I still care for her, yet I would in no way get back with her right now. I just want closure. part of the reason I was cold was she refused talking to me before we stopped communicating when I said I had things to say. I know she has seen other people and even met people before we broke up, which while I was jealous at the time I'm over it now. I've dated a lot of girls over the last 5 months, mostly meeting in seedy places, so my handling of things is progressive though not necessarily healthy I would say. I called her a few days ago, left a message saying I would like to talk and have some things to say, she hasn't gotten back. I just don't want to play games anymore and wish she had never contacted in the first place. I wrote a letter that's pretty scathing yet heartfelt and kind of compassionate at times, but don't know if I should send it because I don't want to push her away forever. Though she was horrible with how she didn't respect me in certain ways, maybe fatal ways, I still have hope for us in the future and I don't want to alienate her. I see she struggles with many personal things and I wish I could help her kind of too. I have feelings which sway from compassion to outright hate, resentment and contempt. It's hard to give up, especially when she comes back into my life without warning. What to do? I just feel like I don't think it's right to not tell her how I feel about her, mostly how she wronged me and that it's not right. Is it crazy to want to address the insecurities I see in her to try and make her a better person, so we can at least be on better terms? Almost in a friend-like way. I feel she has issues with men in general and is brainwashed by this Sex and the City-type mentality on relationships. It's almost like I want to take care of her her, which yes, seems crazy to me sometimes. Yet, I can't help but think she just took me for a ride and really doesn't care much about me.

P.s.there are other variables but too much info probably.

[Rowen]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, especially because I too was a casualty of the age-gap relationship.
But like with any other relationship, when we truly love someone, it never actually heals completely. Instead, I find we grow a tolerance to it and learn to live with it, eventually moving on so we may find love again. The original love is always in our heart, but it's only a special place the new love grows beside... That's my observation, at least. And sometimes that old love can come back and work out, and sometimes it can't.. It's all up to the future and the people we become for ourselves.

That being said, what you're going through I think is only a small faltering in finding something new. So, if I were you, I wouldn't mail the letter. Why? Because she made her choice, and as the ex-lovers of the past (or the old news, if you prefer it), we need to respect their choice when they part from us. Only they can come back, and if she's playing games, it's not being sure of what she wants. And relationships can only survive if both people know what they want from the other. Not to mention, the fact of the matter is that even though we may analyze it and re-analyze it, only this girl knows for sure how she feels- whether she's being nice only (in a way she thinks is nice) or really wanting you back.. Thus, because we cannot know for sure what she's thinking, it's wise to accept what she tells you she feels for face value..even if you may believe she's lying.

It's absolutely insane if you take the time to really think it over like that, but it's nonetheless true... And if it's meant to be, the universe will pull you two back together no matter how many times you part for good and how far you travel from one another. :S I realize this probably isn't the answer you'll be happy to read because I know I wasn't happy to hear it either (scared shitless was how I felt), but it's the best way, I find.
Stay strong...and keep going.

[jrreez]

Thanks very much for the response Rowen. You said a lot of great things about moving on from love and finding it again. I guess that point about not knowing if she's lying or not, or how she really feels is very important. I want answers to how she feels, but rarely if ever do we truly know how someone really feels, ever.
I think I might send her a short email sometime soon just saying I don't want to seem like i pushed her away during her last contact but that I still have ill feelings for how things went down between us. Or maybe I won't reach out again at all.

[basilandthyme]

Jrreez, I know you're the older one here - but you don't seem to have much experience in relationships. Given that you're much older than her, I would have expected you to learn some boundaries and not let silly little girls hurt you like she has. With any luck, this experience will be helpful to teaching you about the boundaries which you lack.

Anyway, about the relationship - the girl is a nutter. No, you're not an angel either, but she's one to stay away from. She's nothing short of a game playing, attention seeking child who's lacking in crucial relationship skills.

What to do if she contacts you? Given the awful things she's said to you, I think "I have no desire whatsoever to be in contact with you. Please don't contact me again" would be an appropriate response. (Actually, I'd probably say something far more harsh, but I don't think you'd say what I would). Her response to you refusing her in Instagram is downright laughable. She ended the relationship, therefore she has no right whatsoever to make any requests or demands of you.

Do not make contact with her if she doesn't contact you.

The stuff about helping her grow? Dude, this is the job of her father. You are not her father. And she dumped you, remember?

All in all, I think you need to reconsider your own boundaries. Block her from your life and pretty soon she'll probably be just a blip in the radar. Unlike Rowen, I rarely even think about any of my exes and certainly don't hold even the smallest amount of love for them. I hope that you'll get to this stage with her soon.

[moneyspills]

If you wish to have a second chance at your relationship, you need to put yourself in your ex's shoes. You need to understand how they are feeling at present and invoke feelings of curiosity and attraction towards you once more. In other words... If you are trying to get your ex back, you must understand that desperation will only push your ex further away from you.

- - - Updated - - -

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, especially because I too was a casualty of the age-gap relationship.
But like with any other relationship, when we truly love someone, it never actually heals completely. Instead, I find we grow a tolerance to it and learn to live with it, eventually moving on so we may find love again. The original love is always in our heart, but it's only a special place the new love grows beside... That's my observation, at least. And sometimes that old love can come back and work out, and sometimes it can't.. It's all up to the future and the people we become for ourselves.

That being said, what you're going through I think is only a small faltering in finding something new. So, if I were you, I wouldn't mail the letter. Why? Because she made her choice, and as the ex-lovers of the past (or the old news, if you prefer it), we need to respect their choice when they part from us. Only they can come back, and if she's playing games, it's not being sure of what she wants. And relationships can only survive if both people know what they want from the other. Not to mention, the fact of the matter is that even though we may analyze it and re-analyze it, only this girl knows for sure how she feels- whether she's being nice only (in a way she thinks is nice) or really wanting you back.. Thus, because we cannot know for sure what she's thinking, it's wise to accept what she tells you she feels for face value..even if you may believe she's lying.

It's absolutely insane if you take the time to really think it over like that, but it's nonetheless true... And if it's meant to be, the universe will pull you two back together no matter how many times you part for good and how far you travel from one another. :S I realize this probably isn't the answer you'll be happy to read because I know I wasn't happy to hear it either (scared shitless was how I felt), but it's the best way, I find.
Stay strong...and keep going.

You are absolutely right