Why are you guys afraid of commitment?

[elephantgirl]

I dated this guy for 1.5 years, we had a wonderful relationship. We were open, honest with each other and one thing we made clear at the beginning of our relationship is that we don't want to put pressure on each other on where our relationship is going. Though, we did say 'I love you' pretty quickly into the relationship. Something neither of us regret or deny wasn't real.

Two months before we broke up, we were laying in bed talking about what we wanted in our future, I had him predict what my future will be like and how he described it was awesome, he knew me really well and at the end of it he added "...and I hope I'm there with you". I didn't say anything but held him tighter.

A month later we went on a break because I was feeling lost in life. I needed time to sort me out.(In January, I started to see a therapist because I suffer from extreme anxiety and in March we took our break) A week into our break we were talking on the phone and he surprised me with some news that he had been thinking about A LOT. He said that one day he would really like to travel with me but that won't be for a couple years because he needs to go to school still and find a job. Travelling was something I really wanted to do with him, I asked him a couple months ago and he said no and it made me sad. So the fact that he reconsidered made me so happy!

At the end of the month we broke up. He told me he was lost. He wanted to find himself and he was worried that one day he would stop loving me. Since the beginning of 2014 I have PASSIVELY talked to him about going to meet with schools (something he has been bringing up for a year now) everytime I brought it up he shut down and closed himself off, it became a problem with us that we ignored the last month of our relationship.

Also, I am done school, I have my own business and this year I have been reading a lot about investing my money and getting a mortgage, something my boyfriend at the time couldn't think about because he couldn't even fathom school.

Is it possible that he was afraid of committing to me because he couldn't find a career to even commit to? It is possible that my independence and successful career scared him? Before our break, he was a HUGE support for me for my anxiety but in March when we took our break I wanted to be alone because I didn't want my anxiety to be a burden on him anymore, I wanted to fix it myself. I know guys want to be the breadwinners and be the "hero" for their ladies, do you think the fact that I pushed myself away from him to fix me scared him? Almost that I didn't need him anymore? Especially after he had said he wanted to travel with me and the fact that he said he wanted to be in my future?

I love this guy so much that I am doing everything in my power to deal with this breakup right. I know guys need time to think so I haven't been talking to him since we broke up because I know he needs time alone. There are times I want to talk to him and cry but I know that'd only make him feel worse and push him away. I'm taking this break-up to make myself better and a better me FOR ME and for the possibility if the stars align he will fight for me again. He was chasing me for 2 months before we dated because I wasn't ready to date when we first met.

Let me know what you think.

Thanks!
Elephant girl

[Boisdevie]

He wanted to find himself and he was worried that one day he would stop loving me.

Often when people break up they will use a bullshit excuse to try to soften the blow. Perhaps this is one of those moments. But really it doesn't matter - he decided that it wasn't working and only he can decide to try again. But you'd already broken up once before this because of your own problems. I honestly don't think this will work. Why not accept that and move on.

[elephantgirl]

I noticed that when we were breaking up, he wouldn't say anything bad about me. He did the typical 'It's not you, it's me' and I think he did that because he already felt horrible and guilty for breaking my heart. With that being said, I had to walk away from this break up with no closure and what feels like no definite reason as to why we broke up. To say why not accept it and move on, is not as easy as it seems, I'm sure you can understand that. I need closure and I'm just looking for it. Thank you for that perspective, my realization left me with hope and I know that's not a healthy and your response confirms that - to not hold onto an idea I created in my head.

[basilandthyme]

I don't think he was afraid of commitment; I think he walked away because you pushed him away. Hon, if you push someone away....or take a break from them...you're running the very real risk that they may move on without you.

[michelle23]

I agree but also hes prob not ready for something serious. Hes no job, no prospects, no degree etc. Your successful, independant..

You dont need closure, you just need to move on. I know its hard but if you were really good together-you never would have split up

[dem862]

It is possible you made him feel inadequate with your success and achievement. However, that is not your fault. He should be pulling himself up, not pulling you back down. Also, your anxiety disorder probably caused a lot more drama than you realized. I have known women with anxiety problems and it can get very severe. They can get sharp and naggy, especially under stress. A man's first reaction is to find solutions to the underlying problem, while a woman just wants to be heard and validated over and over again. Women want to blame a man because he won't commit. From the male perspective, he doesn't want to commit if it is going to lead to a never-ending daily procession of worries, nagging, and feelings of inadequacy. Nor will the typical male admit to this unless he wants to get his head bitten off.

[Wakeup]

Timing is very important when it comes to committing to someone because most of us think that when we are committing that we hope it's going to be for a lifetime. Since neither of you seemed to be ready for that responsibility, then the timing was off for you two as a couple.

If you stop talking to this boy, get on with your life without hope that he'll be coming back to you then you'll have given yourSELF closure because YOU HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO DETERMINE THAT IT IS OVER. Don't leave your destiny up to him. You decide that and if he doesn't want to join you then that's his loss, certainly not yours.

You won't EVER get closure from him because no matter what lie or excuse or truth he tells you why he no longer wants to be your boyfriend, you will have a counter argument to his decision. So you make your own closure and stop stagnating yourself from getting over him with this false hope you carry with you.

Find someone as motivated as you are about your financial success, someone more compatible to you in other words.

[KingZ]

I want to know why her name is elephantgirl. Is it because she looks like an elephant or because she has the intelligence/memory of an elephant?

I also want to know why she signed her post like she was writing a god damn letter.

Thanks!
KingZ

[Wakeup]

Dear Kingz:
Thank you for reading Elephantgirls Opening Post.
Due to her busy schedule, she may not get back to you regarding
your request for further info until a much later date.

Your patience is appreciated.

Sincerely
Wakeup

[elephantgirl]

Coming up with a screen name is hard. And I love elephants so that's why. Elephants are extremely smart animals, btw . I wrote my post like a letter out of habit.

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

I know my anxiety affected our relationship, I take full responsibility for it and I am glad that I'm single NOW so I can get it under control and not have to rely on my boyfriend to help me out. He always said that my anxiety wasn't as bad as I thought it was and he just said I was being upset over typical white girl shit, haha.

I know me bringing up school pushed him away every time, I did it. It just hurt me to see him somedays upset and sad that his friends were succeeding and he was doing nothing. His confidence was so low the last couple months of our relationship, it sucked.

I analyze and need answers to everything and I will go ahead now not looking for closure. It is true whatever he says I will have a counterargument to it and it'll be a never ending cycle because there is no answer that will make me feel better, there are the logical reasons why we broke up and I understand them all and I agree with them. If he called wanting to get back together I'd say no because we broke up for a reason and that reason would still be apparent if we got back together so suddenly.

But okay, I'll just move on. So annoyingly simple.

[michelle23]

Look up anxiety. Theres 5 different types. I thought I had it coz I worry a lot about stupid crap but turns out I dont. Im just a worry wart

[KingZ]

Elephants are pretty brilliant: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elephant_cognition

In my opinion, though, the reigning champion of the animal world is the dik-dik, standing about a foot off the ground. It isn't smart, it doesn't have a long trunk, and it doesn't even have a particularly pleasant personality. In fact, it makes a really disgusting sound that keeps people up late at night. However, the cuteness factor totally blows everything else out of the water. The other attributes just stop mattering.



Let's be honest, here. That's the cutest son of a bitch you've seen since Internet cat videos. You should reregister as dikdikgirl.

[fearoflove]

I have wondered about this for a really long time as well until now when I am on the other side. The fear of commitment is not gender specific. It has to do with a person's upbringing and experience. There can be many reasons why he doesn't want to commit to you. But I think the reason is unlikely to be that he is intimidated by you. Men chase and desire women who are successful as long as she is feminine, of course. Some reasons I can think of is

1) You are not his ideal woman
2) He doesn't like the idea of settling down right now or ever because he like his freedom to date more women, like to have options
3) Your desire for commitment has scared him away. It is a psychological thing.
4) He is playing games.

When a guy see a woman he wants, he won't be like "omg, she is too great/successful so I will not commit". He would more likely be "Omg, she is too great/successful. I have to be better. I hope she will give me a chance." And if he has family values or want to have a family someday, he will be like " I want to wife her up".

I am leaning towards the idea that he thinks he can get someone better because of your strong desire to tie him down. Men only want to commit to a woman because he thinks he cannot do any better (whether that is true or not in reality). He needs to feel a few hits of rejection to know where he really belongs.

[elephantgirl]

I never said I wanted commitment from him. I had no strong desire to tie him down. Never once did I pressure him to make a decision to make our relationship a serious commitment. Which part of my post made you believe I was trying to tie him down?

Sure, I was trying to talk to him about doing something with his life but that was something he kept expressing to me for a year before I started to try to encourage him. Yes, I was looking into getting a mortgage ect. But the whole time I never brought him into the mortgage plan with me, I knew it was me on my own and not suggesting he would live there or anything.

[fearoflove]

I never said I wanted commitment from him. I had no strong desire to tie him down. Never once did I pressure him to make a decision to make our relationship a serious commitment. Which part of my post made you believe I was trying to tie him down?

Sure, I was trying to talk to him about doing something with his life but that was something he kept expressing to me for a year before I started to try to encourage him. Yes, I was looking into getting a mortgage ect. But the whole time I never brought him into the mortgage plan with me, I knew it was me on my own and not suggesting he would live there or anything.

Oh, excuse me. My impression of your post was that you wanted commitment from a guy but he doesn't want to commit. So, I am not sure what you are asking now.