How to reconnect and cope together

[Shewolf]

Hello,

I hope you can help me. I would really need another opinion, view from another angle or advice. I am somehow lost lately. Well I may be I better start with the beggining so you get the whole picture.

I am with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. Till february this year we had distance relationship, we saw eachother every two months sometimes every 6 months while his army period. In those times our visits was going for one week, two weeks or a month. We talked a lot that time. I had (have but is going milder) jelousy problem as I got somewhat messed up after my ex. Before I was never jelouse, normal worried sometime but never felt this strong jelousy. Well this post is not about jelousy but this is also one stone in the whole mozaic. I know my boyfriend loves me and wants me happy, but as I said in the beggining Im somewhat lost at the moment. I changed the country, I have no job and at the moment Im in the third country companying my boyfriend on his buisnis trip. Im somewhat lonely couse Im staying in buisnis hotel and my boyfriend has friends who speak the language I dont speak well yet so sometimes when Im with them I feel outside, in general I have noone to talk to much and deep and I miss that so Im writing on this forum.

The thing is even though my boyfriend cares for me, well often I throw at him that he doesnt but I know is just his character. He is keen on himself, enjoying the life and simply expect for me to do same. He is very stable with himself and Well I used to be like that too, actually we were together before this relationship but in those times I was the one who was very keen on myself and I also wanted freedom and noone on my way, that is why I broke up that time. He said he learned that from me after we broke up. But after years I changed, I learned what relationship means my love became too strong and I wouldnt leave someone I love neither for big issue and for sure not for small issue. Although my boyfriend even he is keen on himself doesnt wanna leave me too, he stands by my side even when Im a mess and when I am not myself anymore and even when I hate myself for that. But in this moment I feel very vulnerable and unhappy with my life and myself. And I put a lot on him. I feel sad for everything, he is working a lot, at work and in hotel (ok i understand that) and where there is free time he is some with his friends and with me. I am happy for him couse he has friends around but I feel lonely. Well i dont want to put on him, but sometime i get angry. Couse sometime when we are with his friends they are speaking their own language and I fell out of the conversation. But he is person who cant be focused on more things and when they chat he is totaly in the chat, they are mediteranean people very chatty. Well he doesnt even notice he puts me out and doesnt understand when I get angry. I used to try to put them some on english (but is not my first language too, and his friends dont speak it so good, farely good but its harder for them, except my boyfiend). I know to take their interest I should be energetic and take their interest but I dont have any energy anymore, I feel like plant. So when we are with his friends I feel like we are not together, not connected (there are exception days) and when we are together in the room we are watching tv and again we dont talk much like we used to. I miss that, and I miss passion. When I say that, well sometime I attack him and not saying nicely (sometime I manage to say it nice too) he says is an old topic and we are just speaking same things. If I attack him to sharp he sometime just closes himself. Well luckly so far we managed to open again to talk after a fight.

My boyfriend is happy with calm time together but I need affection I need sth in the air between us. I dont need fireworks but normal affection everyday, and I know the circumstances right now make me even more sensitive on it. Well he doesnt even notice we are disconnected, for him we are good and when Im sad he asks me if we are ok (he learned that but before he didnt even notice). Our sex life is going down too. When he is tired we dont have sex anymore. We used to have sex every day, sometimes more than once and I understand that he is tired somedays but the other days he is just lazy watching tv. Then I feel like he is not attracted anymore, and the only thing that could be connecting us is gone too. I am fed up to have to ask for sex all the time. And with all this sometime my jelousy comes out again.

He is asking me to do something for myself, to be happy and he said he feels sorry for me couse it looks like Im wasting my life becouse of him. Well it is not his problem I know I have to put myself up. And he is right. I hope when I get a job, make my circle of close friends in a new place things will be better but right now when Im down and I need him who is the only close person to me I dont get any. He is happy with himself and wants me to be happy with myself too. I know he would deserve this, he would deserve a stable and self confident person like he is. But at the moment I am not much of this and I dont get much of him. He is not much affective person, and not a person of habits. He doesnt have need to call his close friends or family (on family we are same) for months. He is more like a lone wolf happy with his lone life of himself, he knows how to enjoy moment and not be too attached on anything. But I get very attached on people close to me, I changed as I said. And I miss that from him. I know I cant expect much, couse he is such person. But Im asking here, how to cope with him? How to cope with that different character? I know he loves me, but I need to get over this period and I know I have to set my life on tracs. When my life is busy, Im somekind of like him, I forget things Im happy with myself thats why I kind of understand him. But now when I need him, I feel bad like he is not there for me. Well he is in a way, but he is expecting me simply to put myself together by myself.

I hope I wasnt too long, and that anyone will take time to read this. Any kind of advice I will be very grateful for!

[chinagirl]

It seems like you already know the solution to your problem. Your BF has been that way since you met him and in my opinion, you should not ask him to change for you just because you are unhappy. You are responsible for your own happiness and it isn't fair to put this burden on him. Find a job, make friends, exercise... Do something to get up your butt and quit thinking about yourself. That's just selfish specially if your BF is working And you're not. Go to a local community there and find out some programs where you can enroll to learn the language.

You are sounding to be a loser and that's not a good picture you are painting yourself.