Dealing with a paranoid partner

[uglyaugustine]

I have been with this guy for about a year. I like him, but his anger and paranoia is kinda scaring me away. He is constantly accusing me of not wanting to spend time with him, or cheating on him, or just generally having some ulterior motive in everything I do. He gets angry and argumentative, and I feel I am always trying to "redeem" myself, prove that I am not some terrible selfish bitch who is just using him. He admits that he is paranoid, but feels that this means I have to be extra honest and careful, so as not to provoke him. The rest of the time, he is funny, generous, and extremely intelligent; but I am exhausted with this behavior, especially as I was in an open relationship with my last partner, who was extremely respectful of my privacy and trusted my word.
Is there something I can do to improve this relationship? Do I need to get tougher ("you either trust me you don't have a relationship with me" type of thing) or just find ways to help him trust me?

[Valixy]

I think that you should ask him to treat you with dignity. You are an honest loyal person, entitled to respect, trust and privacy. These are the very basics of a relationship, and if he can't offer you this, nothing else you build together has a real chance of happiness. You should tell him how uncomfortable and stressed you feel because of the pressure he puts on you and ask him to make an effort to change if he wants you both to be happy. If he can't or doesn't want to, I think you should leave him. Paranoid controlling angry people make one miserable and living with them can be quite a traumatic experience. It isn't worth it.

[michelle23]

He sounds abusive. I would walk away

[smackie9]

His passive agressive behavior is pointing towards him being bi-polar. It's not you that has to adjust their behavior it's him. He needs to get professional help. I doubt he would be on board with that, he will just accuse you of trying to get rid of him and turn it against you. I agree with Michelle, you need to walk away from this relationship.

[uglyaugustine]

Yeah, that's what I keep coming back to. I feel guilty though because my last partner died just around the time we started seeing each other; and he was really understanding about my staying with him to look after him until he died (he had no other family, and we had been together 9 years). He took on my ex's cat, helped me empty his flat, and allowed me to store his stuff until I could face sorting it out.
Since then though, it has been kind of difficult for me to grieve, because he accuses me of "still being in love with my ex". I'm not though, it's just, I'd been with him since I was nineteen, and he died alone, a slow, painful death, and shit's hard sometimes?
I don't think he is bipolar though; he has no cycles of mania or depression, just anger and a paranoid personality. But I feel that time and again I am reasoning and talking and arguing 'til I'm blue in the face, and that's really not what I want in a relationship. It's just shitty because I like him as a person, and he helped my at a difficult time in my life, and I feel that I am letting him down.

[basilandthyme]

I vote for telling him "this behaviour ends right now or I walk away"

[michelle23]

Thats how abusive men trap you. They come on strong when your vulnerable, pretend to be the hero like some avenging angel and then turn into your worst nightmare slowly over time.. you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your not happy, hes hurting you so leave.. its simple really

[Wakeup]

but I am exhausted with this behavior, especially as I was in an open relationship with my last partner, who was extremely respectful of my privacy and trusted my word.

I think you would be best to just leave now and find someone that maybe has been in an open relationship before and understands the dynamic, rather then stay with this one who is freaked out by the dynamic and therefore can't relax and trust you without thinking you're out being "open"

You're seriously with the wrong man and him telling you that you should walk on eggshells in order to accommodate his mistrust and insecurity is one huge red flag that he should Not ignore about you and you shouldn't ignore about him.

No... there is nothing you can do to make this a functional, happy, trustworth union. You're with the wrong person.

[Valixy]

I think you would be best to just leave now and find someone that maybe has been in an open relationship before and understands the dynamic, rather then stay with this one who is freaked out by the dynamic and therefore can't relax and trust you without thinking you're out being "open"

If this is indeed the kind of open relationship you had before, OP, your current relationship with a very controlling, jealous partner is meant to have lots of problems and you shouldn't continue. I thought you meant an open relationship in a different way, like very honest, sharing everything, etc. Obviously I don't question your values or loyalty towards your partner, but he could sense that you have a wild side, I suppose, and his extreme male possessiveness could clash with it even uncounsciously. Besides he's got other problems too that don't make him a suitable partner for you.

[Wakeup]

^^^^ Maybe that is the way she meant it? We both took it a different way so it would be nice if Op came back in and clarified.

Like most of them... she appears to be a one hit wonder.