In relationship, like someone else...trouble

[mysteriouseyes]

Hi Everyone
I am 28 years old and in a relationship from 2 years. We started as a casual dating as he insisted. He was not sure if we were a good match as he was pretty open about relationships and had lots of girlfriends in past. Booze and party was half of his life. We were good friends and then I ended up having feelings for him. I told him about this and then he came up with casual dating idea. I knew it from starting that our thinking and living style does not match. I had 1 boyfriend before him who cheated on me and that was the only relationship experience ever had.

So we started dating and first 3 months were horrible. I wanted to be with him but he was not at all serious given that we were casual dating. He wanted it to be more like open relationship. It hurt me that time and slowly he did got feelings for me. 6-7 months later he said we should take a step forward to seriously date each other. I was happy. I changed myself for him. (I am from a conservative family and he is very open minded). I still had problem from his drinking habit and thinking about other girls. Then he promised he will cheat on me but if he is drunk and will do a mistake I should forgive him.

I was bit hard on me but I accepted it thinking it would never happen. Then he told we will get married in near future. Then we told our parents about us. Being honest we were not perfect for each other we started changing ourselve for each other. I always explaiend him why so much drinking and carelessness in not goo, how we should be focused on our goals. At same time he made me realize that we need not be serious all the time. How to party ( I was a nerd!)…… but somewhere in my heart I was not satisfied…. We moved in together and I ended up haing a role of housewife cum working woman…later he had a trouble getting job and that’s when I noticed we are not getting into bed at all…Everytime I ask him he said I am stressed out because of job situation I cnt perform. Thenhe got job ..life got a little better but I was not happy with he being lazy all the time …watching TV and then asking me what did you cook for today….He never helped me to clean house and someime when I get frustrated I asked him about this. We end up fighting. I know this type of things happens. He is not affectionate one, he dnt like to cuddle and he dnt like all that puppy love and I do. I feel this kind of love lacking (I know its bit childish, but I like it). Then here comes our familes into the scene. Initally my parents didn’t like this relationship. We made them agree. His parents were very happy the day they talked to me. They are happy that their son is going to marry a girl who is earning more than him and very career focused as compared to their son, they know I take care of him nicely and force him to do few things and change habbits (I am not praising myself, I am telling this from practical aspect..thats what his mom told me)…They know I am ambitious, hard working and strive for growth…

Now here at this time I want to be the woman of house, tender who wants to be taken care of. But when I think about myself, I am acting more like man of the house. Doing everything from paying bills to managing accounts, doing groceries to cooking , cleaning and washing. When he did not had money on him I gave him that money. He returned that money over the span of two years and his parents always knew that. Today I need some money for urgent matter and I cant afford a big amount. I asked him if he can help, he said he can give some his salary to me after paying his loan installment. His parents are rich and they have savings. He told me that his parents will help me if I ask help. I talked to his dad and his dad clearly said no that they dnt have money. Later he said talk to my mom so his mom said no too. But yesterday his mom called nad said she get money for me from someone and I have to pay interest on it. Well I am ok with that but I know its no one else , its her own money. I am ok with it as long as I can handle my urgent matter.

Now here is the twist in story, I joined new job 6 months back. When I got friendly with my colleagues they asked my relationship status. I told them that I am in relationship and thinking about getting married soon. At work I am facing a situation..people have their own groups and few people does show attitude. Since I am new and from different nationality, it took a bit more to mix with them. Initially I used to go for coffee and lunch alone. There was this old lady at work about my mom’s age who was nice to me. She started joining me for coffee. Later I realized that other people think we hang alone and they kind of took it as group thing again. I again tried to invite them for coffee or lunch but things did not work well. While other people slowly changed 3 of them (who have pretty much lead on everyone else in terms of group) did not became friendly. Even in morning if I say good morning they will not reply. I can see plain face. If I am walking and see them, I smile they don’t smile at all. This is overwhelming for me and I try to ignore them. I told my manager about a rude incident (which happened a few weeks before), he said such kind of thing Is not acceptable nad they did talk to those people. But after this talk, things got worst and these people actually sure that they will ask everyone to hang out with them and leaving me alone. They try be good with old lady and take her with them and leaving me alone. I bear this because I know I am here for work and not to play politics.

I am in project where people from outside companies also work. I always heard about this guy A from another company who everyone says is very nice and humble. So I met him 2 months back. When I met him, I was taken aback. He is the guy who will be admired by any girl. So decent so nice and humble. The group of people about whom I talked above they are friends to these people too. So whenever outside people are here they go for lunch and other activities.

So I met this guy, he took a sudden interest in me (I sensed it) and we did had few talks (not many). He visited office thrice after that for a week every time. We did talk and now I am thinking about him. Whenever I am in his cubicle his head turns toward me, I noticed that. May be he is just friendly, but I am taking interest in him. He is single and he knew I am committed. All I know now is this is the guy I want to spend my life with.

I like to be next to him and want to talk to him. At same time I realize that I cant do it and if I ll do its going to be bad for me. He was here this week. I tried not to talk to him on Tuesday (that happened unintentionally) I was walking with my teammate talking about project and I saw he was walking right after us. When we were at escalators even though he was with other people he kept looking on me (I noticed this from side eye) and later when we were in meeting room I caught him looking at me. But I did not look at him or talk to him. I think he thought it was rude and then rest of day he did not talk to me (not even a bit of conversation)..later I went for some work in his cubicle and talked to him. He was normal after that. Yesterday we were talking few times here and ther. I don’t know if he likes me or not (why I am even thinking about it..i am in a relationship)….but this is it..today he left for his city... and I am sad…. I really wish if I was single…I would have been with the man of my dreams…. (it is so stupid now to think like this)

Guys now you known whole story…could you please tell me what is happening here? Why I am not happy with my current relationship? Do I love my boyfriend? What is wrong with me? About my work situation…how should I handle this? I am new to culture and don’t want any stress? How to avoid all this situation.?? And about Mr.A, what should I do? I really wish he is with me for my entire life….You guys out there are experienced and wiser than me for sure…please advice your friend here…

[Wakeup]

Then he promised he will cheat on me but if he is drunk and will do a mistake I should forgive him.

sorry, I stopped reading seriously after that.

Any man who would tell you that is your clue to dump his playing azz because if you're not also the type to get drunk and "do a mistake" and he should "forgive" you also then you're so fundamentally incompatible that its logical that your union won't be a happy one.

[michelle23]

You are co-dependent OP. You are your problem. Your not happy with your bf. Hes a user, a cheat and he doesnt really care about you. He never did but you settled for him hoping you could change him. Now that you know you cant change him (duh!) Instead of just ending it and healing-you try to line up a plan B first (guy at work) because you fear being alone.

I think you have low self esteem, your emotionally dysfunctional and you will keep making the same mistakes if you dont work on yourself and set your standards higher.

Why do you let him call all the shots? 6months of casual "open" dating which you obviously wernt happy with but you went along with it anyway.. that makes you look desperate. A person with high self esteem would have dumped him a long time ago

[Valixy]

You don't sound happy in your relationship. Regardless of how it started, you've come a long way together and it's never too late to try to establish new clearer boundaries and better communication. Couples do this all the time and grow together but only you could know if it's still worth fighting for your relationship.

You're infatuated with the guy you met through work but don't believe everything you think. You felt lonely at home and at work and needed his attention, but besides this everything else is fantasy. There is a huuuge distance between exchanging a few looks and words with a guy and having a relationship and not even being single guarantees that. Besides work needs all your attention when you're there and developing a crush on someone would make many things difficult for you.

Be strong in front of the adversities, don't let some rude selfish guys from work bring you down. Trying to help someone feel integrated and saying hello are very basic things, and by behaving the way they do, it's very possible they envy some of your qualities or that they simply are mean ignorants.You will meet some nice people in time for sure.

Hopefully some of your confusion regarding your personal life will disappear and you'll be able to take the best desicion in a way or another. Good luck.

[mysteriouseyes]

Sorry i mean to say he said he will never cheat on me but if he is drunk and will do a mistake I should forgive him.

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Michelle, I appreciate your open response to my questions. But for me I invested 2 years in this relationship and I am trying to positive and negative side of this. In last 2 years he never cheated on me because he was trying to change himself for me. I know he is very practical person however I am not at all sensible. I should not have agreed to get into casual dating concept saying yes to all conditions. But here I am. Decisions were made and everything already happened. I cannot understand myself here...what is wrong with me? May be you are right I have low self esteem.but what next?
I understand that I like guy A but I am not going after him, I am thinking about him because may be i need that romance aspect in my life which is not there. For him I stand even a single chance because I will never ruin my job doing such kind of stuff at work. What I explained here is what my heart is feeling like and what kind of thoughts coming to mind.

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Valixy, thanks for replying. I know I invested 2 years of my life in this and It is a long period of time. Right now I am very confuse about all this - Do I really love him? If not then why it is so hard for me to think about getting separated? I understand that we should talk about this , communication is the key. Again, how many times you need to talk about stuff? 6 months ago, everything was smooth. It was what we say a perfect life - we both having good jobs and a good routine. Now we both are hitting rock bottom. I can see him getting stressed out for not getting a better job opportunity. One of my friend told me last week that she feels he envy me (because of good job and more money). Here I feel he is feeling bit insecure being a male. regarding having better job, we both had different journey of life. For me it was struggle being from a poor family and eldest daughter (I had responsibilities on me from a very young age and I wanted my younger siblings to have better life than me). For him he is from a well to do family and is only child.

This "ENVY" thing actually pinched me because after getting drunk he said that. He told our common friend that look at her (I was watching TV so I did not hear that). He said she have everything - a good job, she always scored good marks, she have a good friend circle even my friends like her more than me, everyone likes her and why i dont get the same in my life.

The above mentioned talk raised questions in my mind. Because above all I fell for him and wanted to be with him. Why he is not happy with my success? why he is not proud of me?

About the work guy, I understand what you mean,may be its the romance factor which i miss in my life making it more exciting. I will try not to think about. I dont want things to be complicated (not at this point of time)...my head is hurting with so much of thinking.....

[Valixy]

Valixy, thanks for replying. I know I invested 2 years of my life in this and It is a long period of time. Right now I am very confuse about all this - Do I really love him? If not then why it is so hard for me to think about getting separated? I understand that we should talk about this , communication is the key. Again, how many times you need to talk about stuff? 6 months ago, everything was smooth. It was what we say a perfect life - we both having good jobs and a good routine. Now we both are hitting rock bottom. I can see him getting stressed out for not getting a better job opportunity. One of my friend told me last week that she feels he envy me (because of good job and more money). Here I feel he is feeling bit insecure being a male. regarding having better job, we both had different journey of life. For me it was struggle being from a poor family and eldest daughter (I had responsibilities on me from a very young age and I wanted my younger siblings to have better life than me). For him he is from a well to do family and is only child.

This "ENVY" thing actually pinched me because after getting drunk he said that. He told our common friend that look at her (I was watching TV so I did not hear that). He said she have everything - a good job, she always scored good marks, she have a good friend circle even my friends like her more than me, everyone likes her and why i dont get the same in my life.

The above mentioned talk raised questions in my mind. Because above all I fell for him and wanted to be with him. Why he is not happy with my success? why he is not proud of me?

About the work guy, I understand what you mean,may be its the romance factor which i miss in my life making it more exciting. I will try not to think about. I dont want things to be complicated (not at this point of time)...my head is hurting with so much of thinking.....

Obviously not everyone can be a straight A student or have a fantastic job. The important thing is to have a good attitude and try to improve within one's possibilities even if the moment is not ideal, but one has to be able to pull his weight and collaborate towards everything, payments, housework and taking care of his partner. If you feel that you need to speak again with your boyfriend about the changes that need to be done in the relationship in order to be happier together, do that. Try to find solutions together. Maybe he doesn't feel like helping a lot with the housework but he would accept to pay together a house assistant that could clean a few hours a week and you'd both have less stress and more time for yourselves and split the other responsibilities too. If nothing changes though in a few months, maybe you should consider being on your own because this relationship doesn't fulfill your emotional needs.

[michelle23]

2 years is nothing OP. Thats the average amount of time it takes for two people to figure out if they are compatible and decide if they want to spend their lives together. Can you seriously see yourself marrying him and having kids together? I really think it would be a big risk to invest anymore time on a man who has completely different morals, values and beliefs to you. That isnt something you can change.

I mean I am a germ freak and it irritated me that my bf left the toilet seat up coz I didnt like touching the seat to put it down as I feel its unhygenic. Those little things can be changed and its not exactly a deal breaker but constantly looking over your shoulder wondering when he is going to cheat should be a deal breaker and is for most healthy people who believe in and value monogamy..

[mysteriouseyes]

@Valixy @Michelle Thanks for your replies. It gave me some relief mentally that i am not wrong here. I will think about your suggestions and for sure work on it. I feel sometime you have to be selfish to save your own life.

[woody]

Dear Original Poster,

You've been struck by cupid's arrow and regardless of whether or not it works out with the 'new guy' at work, in my opinion, your in a toxic relationship with that other guy. It is never easy ending a relationship. He told you he would only cheat on you if he was drunk? and you actually stayed with the guy? Gee, shouldn't be too hard to ditch him. Self respect young lady, that's what you need more of.

You need to do what's right for you. Be selfishly motivated so you can clear the way for one who is worthy of your affections; not someone who takes your money, makes you do all the domestic stuff and a full time job. Ridiculous isn't it? Indeed.

Get rid of the baggage. Be strong. Get yourself somewhere that's safe and for goodness sake, again, self love lady.